


To Be Brave

by C_D_Donovan



Category: Divergent Series - Veronica Roth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:53:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 24
Words: 139,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25116466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/C_D_Donovan/pseuds/C_D_Donovan
Summary: I've learned that life is never what it seems. What you think you know may not even touch what really is. Five years have passed since I made my choice. Five years since I was told what I was. I have no regrets. I'm not sorry. I'm happy. But I wished I knew then what my future would hold. Who I'd become. Who I'd learn to love. But one thing was certain. There was no turning back now.  More than that, I would never turn from him.This is Part 1 of a 3 part series.
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Anything you recognize from Divergent is not mine. This Disclaimer is true for this chapter and all that follow.**

**A/N: Hello all and welcome! Before we get into it, there are a few things I need to state before we start:  
\- This is a mash-up of both the books and the movie, following the books a little more closely, with some of the movie changes thrown in. Hopefully it'll flow so you hardly notice it.  
\- Picture Eric as Jai since you can't have a good Divergent FF without him!  
\- The timeframe of this is a little skewed. I went with more the movie timeline. Ages were changed for the film and I went with Eric and Four being 24 to work my OC in better. So don't be alarmed!  
\- This story is rated M for a reason! If language, nudity, sex, abuse, or anything similar offends you than do not read past this point. There is plenty of all of it so if you can't handle it than don't read it. I will not be offended.**

**Okay, I think that's it. At least for now, and if there is anything I need to add, I'll add it later when I remember. Ha-ha. Now onto the story! And please do not hesitate to review! If you've read any of my other works, you'll know that I am not driven strictly by how many reviews I get. However, I will admit that every one I get is greeted with the excitement and enthusiasm as presents are on Christmas morning!**

**HAPPY READING!**

* * *

**Chapter One: Life**

Choices.

They will make you or break you.

We all have to make them. Dealing with the consequences of each one.

At the ripe age of sixteen we were supposed to know who we wanted to be. Where we wanted to be. In my mind, what do sixteen year olds know? How were we supposed to know who we were supposed to be? How were we supposed to decide how to live our lives when we'd barely begun to live it? When my time came to make that choice, there was no doubt in my mind where I wanted to be. But that was a wanting. I hadn't realized the strength and endurance I would need. Everything in my mind that I was raised to know no longer applied, throwing it to the wind, and becoming someone I never thought I could be. But as hard a decision as it was. As hard as the transition was. I had become the person I had always dreamed I would be. Feeling as if I had finally found where I belonged. Keeping the girl I was raised to be buried inside my chest, I showed the world what I was made of and I had persevered.

The rain pelted down on me but I didn't care. Running circles around our headquarters, my muscles were burning, wanting to give out, making me push myself just that much harder. My mind was racing, going through everything I'd been through over the past five years. Everything I had learned and had seen and heard and felt. Letting more and more of my old self go with every passing day. My body was nothing like it had been. I used to be soft and gentle, now I was hard and fierce. My body pierced and tattooed, calloused and scarred. Nothing like the smoothness it had once been. A choice had been made and I wouldn't change it for anything.

The shorter layers of my dark brown hair - now with orange, red, and yellow highlights - clung to my face, nearly obscuring my vision. My black tank and pants were drenched with water, weighing me down. When I finally finished my last lap, I slowed to a walk, making one more to cool myself down. When I once again stood at the entrance to the glass building, I sat on the curb, letting the rain continue to cool me. It wasn't cold but I could still see a thin mist coming off of me from my body heat.

Finally standing, I walked inside, moving past the fear landscape and making my way down the narrow path into the Pit. Walking the familiar route, I went to my apartment. It was one long room, nearly a full wall of windows that allowed me to see the city. The only part that wasn't was where my bed was. There was even a balcony. The other three walls had once been white, though I had been working on painting murals on them since I had been awarded such an apartment because of my ranking. I had a queen sized bed, a comforter I had dyed red, a desk with a lamp and artwork spread out all over it. Though my artwork wasn't just on the desk, it was everywhere. I had an attached bathroom, a square mirror hanging above the sink. I was also the proud owner of a mini-fridge. Though I didn't need much. I would be happy with just the bed and desk. As well as an endless supply of paper and pencils and pens. Which I did have. I had enough to last me a lifetime.

Undressing on the way to my bathroom, I turned on the water, letting it grow hot before stepping under the stream. Cleaning the sweat from my tanned skin, I ran my hands along the tattoos that littered my body. I preferred ink to piercing, but had my fair share of those as well. Running my hand along the tree on my left shoulder, I thought of my family. They were no longer a part of my life but I still loved and missed them. Even five years wasn't long enough to forget. They had raised me, taught me everything I knew, I couldn't forget them. At times I missed them so much that I second guessed my decision. Remembering the kind voice of my father. The loving touch of my mother. The bond between me and my sisters. They remained in Amity while I became a completely different person. I no longer valued kindness, peace, and harmony. They were still a part of me, but I no longer strived to achieve them. I now was brave and strong and fearless. I was Dauntless. I was the first transfer in my family. It was a shock, but I had never quite fit in with them. I wasn't as kind as I should have been. My temper was too short and I was nowhere near as trusting. The only part of Amity that I excelled at was forgiveness, for without it I would have been forced into being factionless long before now.

Spending a prolonged time under the hot water, I finally left, drying myself off as I stepped in front of the mirror. My five-seven frame used to hold a nice cushion of fat, only now I was a lean, mean, fighting machine. Having held onto kindness in my heart, nothing shown to the world was kind. I was known for my quick temper and the pain that was associated with it. You don't mess with me unless you know you can win. And I refused to pick a fight that I couldn't. For as brave and strong as I was, I was no fool. I knew when to back down, even if all of me is pushing to act, sometimes it was easier to just walk away. That in itself is one of the strongest forms of bravery you can show.

Combing out my hair, I gelled it before letting it air dry, applying dark eyeliner and mascara. I was more or less a simple girl, adding just enough to make my hazel eyes stand out. Dropping the towel I was wearing, I pulled on a tight black t-shirt and tight pants, bunching up at the top of my boots. Scrunching the layers of my hair, the longest falling nearly to the center of my back, I left, knowing it would look fine no matter what happened. It was straight with just the hint of a wave, thick, and most of the time I didn't care what it looked like. By the end of the day it would probably have blood in it anyway.

"Hey, Pen." I heard my name from behind me.

Turning, I saw Claude, a six-foot, lanky, tough ass bitch who initiated the same year as me. She used to be Candor but now was happily Dauntless. She fit so well into the faction I was jealous of her. She was the number one ranker between the transfers and the initiates. I had the scars to prove how Dauntless she was. The woman knew how to use a blade. I had learned that the night she beat me, dropping my rank to number two. We had worked hard to get where we were and no one was going to argue with us, or take it away.

"Breakfast?" I asked her.

"Always." She smiled, draping her arm across my shoulders.

She was all muscle. Not a single speck of fat on her body. Her hair was long, neon blue tipped, and nearly always in a messy bun on the back of her head. Her ears were so pierced that you could hardly tell what they were. She had so many imbedded in her skin, chains falling around her chest and neck, attaching to places that didn't look remotely comfortable. But I wouldn't dare judge her for it.

"Claude! Pen!" Our names were yelled, turning to see Henry streaking down the hallway.

He was Dauntless born and initiated the same year as us. Ranking number three, we had all bonded through our accomplishments and mutual competitiveness. His blond hair bounced on his forehead, getting it his eyes, watching as he jerked his head to swoosh it to the side. No one could say that he wasn't nice to look at. His broad chest and shoulders held more muscle than my entire body. He wore it so well you wouldn't know he was as strong or muscled as he was until you saw him use them. He was charming and way too clean for Dauntless. His tattoos were hardly visible and he had only a few piercings. Something unusual for a Dauntless born.

Catching up to us, he pushed in the middle, draping his arms over our shoulders as we made our way through the Pit, and through the gaping hole in the wall, finding seats at the lines of tables in the Dining Hall. Grabbing a muffin, I started to devour it, grabbing another before the first was half gone.

"Careful." A deep voice said from behind me.

Looking up, I furrowed my eyes at Four. "Whatever. I need to build up my energy now. The new initiates are only a few months out."

"You still going to help me?" He asked.

"Of course." I nodded. "Not that you need it. You can handle it all on your own."

"Yeah, I can." He told me.

Shaking my head, I tossed a piece of muffin at him, knowing that he'd appreciate my help on the inside but not so much on the outside. The initiation process was getting harder and harder. If we wanted to build the strength we needed then we had to push them. Push them to the breaking point and see what they were made of. They'd either succeed or fail. It was up to them. We had to make the same choice. They broke us. _Four_ broke us. And we just kept coming back. We'd shown them what we could do and now we would show the ones who chose us that they could do it too.

"There better be some decent transfers. I'm starting to doubt the strength in people. They're too flimsy and weak." Claude stated coldly.

"Says the transfer." Henry grinned.

"I'm more Dauntless than you." She said punching him hard in the arm.

"Ow." He said and laughed. Her knuckles were more scar tissue than skin. I doubt she felt pain anymore.

As soon as we were done with breakfast, Claude left us to return to the control room where she worked. Having ranked the highest, she had a choice and she had jumped at the opportunity to work in the control room. She was smart and efficient. Always able to see the end result before it happened. At times you'd think she could see into the future. I also had the option of working in the control room, but that wasn't for me. Not that I couldn't do it, I simply didn't want to. Tapping into my inner Amity, I had become the head nurse – by default – in our medical area as well as a tattoo artist. Amity were the only artistic faction and I had embraced that aspect of myself since I was a child. I was well sought after for my work and I was more than happy to deliver.

So began my day, checking up on the few members we had in the infirmary before running to the tattoo parlor to set up before people started to file in. In never failed, every day was busy, everyone wanted something.

"You're late." Tori told me.

"Barely." I smirked at her. "Besides, I had a wound oozing puss that needed to be drained and cleaned before patching it back up. I'm a busy girl."

"And that's the way you like it." She stated, having heard me say that on a nearly daily basis.

"Yes." I smiled at her.

"Any new work?" She asked me.

Sterilizing my workstation, I nodded at her, "Maybe."

"Can I see?" She asked with a raised brow.

"They're not ready to be seen." I told her. "But if you want, I can bring them by your place later."

"You know I like to see your work, Pen." She told me gently.

I nodded at her, "I know. I'm just particular about it until I think it's ready."

"It's always ready." She smiled at me. "Any more birds this time?"

"I'm constantly working on my ravens." I told her. "Been playing with trees a bit." I added touching my wrist.

"Remember you're Dauntless." She stated. "We like hard edges and bold statements."

Turning to face her, leaning against the counter, I folded my arms. "Believe me. There is plenty of that as well."

As if to reiterate her words, I spent the entire afternoon tattooing sharp edged symbols on many of our faction members. The broken segments giving them a hard look. The occasional Dauntless symbol was also given. But I was lucky enough to get a random request for a python to be wrapped around this guy's arm with flames coming out of its gaping maw. It was more complicated than I had anticipated, not to mention the guy was far more obnoxious than I had expected him to be. He made me re-stencil it onto his arm three times before he allowed me to put ink to it. Normally, I would have done the outline and had him come back, but he insisted that it had to be done today. I wasn't upset about that, but he had this annoying need to talk and I hated to talk while I worked. I wanted to lose myself in my art. Nothing made me feel freer then when I was either drawing or tattooing. But I had to be careful. Art was the Amity in me and it must show more often than it should since both Four and Tori enjoyed reminding me that I'm Dauntless now. I was well aware of who I was, and believe me, I was far more Dauntless than I was Amity.

It was far later then I had expected when I finally closed up the Parlor, making my way through the pit. Though the guy left well satisfied, going as far to tell me that it was the best he'd gotten. I wasn't modest about my gift, telling him that I knew and to tell his friends to come to me if they wanted amazing tattoos. He had several tattoos and it was obvious that they had not been as skilled as I was.

Going to my apartment, I changed and jogged to the training room. I was in need of some movement since I'd been sitting in a chair all day. Finding it empty, I started to jog around the room, doing sprints from one end to the other when I'd given myself a good warmup. Then I took to the punching bags. Despite holding a tattoo pen all day, my hand and wrist didn't pain me in the slightest. Bouncing on the balls of my feet, I hit the bags until my hands were close to bleeding. Shaking them out, I started to go through the forms I'd been taught during initiation. Forms that Four had taught me. He was amazing in nearly every way. He was what every boy who entered Dauntless should aspire to be. And he was as good a role model as any. There weren't many people around here you'd want to aspire to be. Not unless you were looking to become ruthless and unfeeling. If you wanted to be an attack dog or assassin. Then there were plenty of people you could aspire to be. But I didn't choose Dauntless for any of those reasons. I chose it so I could become brave and fearless. I wanted to be able to protect myself and those I cared about. I no longer aspired to be kind and gentle. I was hard as nails and a force to be reckoned with. Something many learned the hard way. Something I enjoyed showing off every now and again. Otherwise you'd consider me even tempered. At least more so than much of Dauntless. But I would have them any other way.

When my muscles burned with exertion, I finally moved toward the door, looking up to see a figure in the doorway. Freezing, I took in the tall form of Eric. His shoulders looked broader than usual as he leaned against the doorframe with his arms crossed. His impressively toned arms. His hair was partially shaved, the center longer and gelled back. His toned body was like a door itself. Meeting his eyes, the blueness of them bored into me, chilling me to the bone. His full lips turned up at the corner as if he was humored by me looking at him. Feeling anxious, not knowing what he wanted, I continued forward, turning myself to the side and slid past him, avoiding any touching. He stepped into the room as soon as I was past him, taking only a minute or two before the sounds of a fist hitting the bags reached my ears. Swiftly moving away, I went to my apartment, showering before settling down on my bed with my sketchbook.

Without meaning to I fell asleep, waking to pounding on the door. Getting up, I slowly made my way to the door, opening it to see a petite girl with long black hair and oval eyes that were slightly slanted. She was heavily muscled, needing to make up for what she lacked in size. Her look reminded me a lot of Tori even though there was no relation between them. And she could out talk anyone, and seemed to always find the bright side to everything. She was my sunflower. Despite the time of the day, she stood with a smile on her face as she rocked back and forth on her feet and her hands behind her back.

"Simmy?" I frowned at her.

"Hello, Pen." She smiled. "I've got something in the infirmary I could use your help with."

"It's late." I frowned, leaning against the door. "What is it?"

"An abscess." She grinned.

Smirking at her, I turned and changed, quickly following her. We weren't in a hurry but at the same time I was eager to see what she had found. She was my prodigy when it came to the med area, eager and willing to learn. You'd think there would be more volunteers to help out but people enjoyed causing pain, not many wanted to help cease it.

Walking into the med area, there was a clear stench in the air. Going to the only occupied bed, I put my hands on my hips as I took in the guy laying on it. He was older than me but, by the looks of it, not by much.

"So, what did you get yourself into?" I smirked at him.

He gave a short laugh, grinning as he pulled back the towel that was covering his leg. "I got a tattoo and I'm having some sort of reaction."

"Tattoo?" I frowned. "From who?"

"Mizer." He replied.

Sighing, I nodded. "Figures." I looked at his leg. "Jesus!" I exclaimed as I took in the abscess that was nearly the size of an orange on the back of his calf. "And you just realized that you should get this checked out?"

"My girlfriend made me come." He smirked.

"And where is she?"

"Sleeping probably." He replied. "It was starting to hurt and so I figured I'd see if anyone was here."

"And there was." Simmy smiled.

Nodding, I gently touched it, seeing him wince. "Okay." I sighed. "Simmy, we'll need lidocaine, an emesis basin, a 10-blade, and some lavage." She nodded and started to move away. "Simmy." I said stopping her as I looked closer at it. "We might need a few basins." Once everything was ready, I looked at him. "Okay. I'm gonna start. Let's make some small talk." I told him as I put gloves on. Injecting his skin around where I was going to make the incision, I took a deep breath, picking up the 10-blade. "So, what's your name?"

"Nathan." He told me.

"And what do you do for our faction?" I asked next as I put the blade against his skin.

"City security." He told me. "Though I have considered doing some volunteer work here."

"We can always use an extra hand around here." I told him. "And if you're with security than you much know Henry." I replied making the first incision. "Feel that?"

"Not really." He replied. "And of course I know Henry. He's a badass motherfucker. Scary as shit when he wants to be."

"In other words – awesome." I smirked up at him. "You're going to feel some pressure." The blade cut the skin but not the pocket. Cutting deeper, I felt the give and just the faintest amount of pink tinted pus started to lead out. Putting my pinky finger into the wound, I felt the pop, removing my finger to have a nice steady flow follow it. Simmy was right there to catch it. "And has he been behaving himself?" I asked.

"Of course not." Nathan smirked.

Laughing, I nodded, "Sounds about right then."

"You're Pen, right?" He asked.

"That's me." I replied, gently pushing on the back of the abscess.

Nathan looked at the wound, growing slightly pale. "He talks about you all the time."

"I'm a very popular girl." I said with sarcasm, grinning up at him. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine if I don't look at it." He said staring at the ceiling.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because watching that come out of my leg is disgusting."

Nodding, I looked at Simmy, "And if it was coming out of someone else?"

"It'd probably be awesome." He replied.

"Maybe you should volunteer here." I smirked at him.

Simmy grinned up at me. "It'd be fun."

"Maybe." He smiled at us. "If my girl doesn't mind."

"Does it matter?" I frowned at him.

He just looked at him for a moment, "No. Not really. But I respect her enough to ask her anyway."

Smiling, I nodded. "So there is a decent man still out there."

"Not many but a few."

"Did you transfer?" I asked numbing the area more before putting my finger into the wound and scrapping out anything that was loose.

"Nah." He replied. "Born and raised Dauntless."

Rinsing the shit out of it with saline, I packed it with iodine gauze, putting a large bandage over it to keep anything out of it. Taping the edges of it, I looked up at Nathan who was looking more at ease then he had earlier.

"Feel better?" I smiled at him, pulling my gloves off.

"Much." He told me.

Laughing lightly, I nodded, "And there is still enough time to get a few hours of sleep."

"I do enjoy sleep." He smiled back.

"Me too."

Simmy just shrugged, "I'm good."

I smiled as I furrowed my brows at her, "That's because you are some sort of freak." She just nodded. "Okay, guys. Let's get out of here." I told him. Helping Nathan to stand, he put little weight on his leg. "Put as much weight on it as you can handle. Keep the packing in for at least a couple days. You'll probably wanna soak it to loosen up the gauze when it's time for it to come out. If there is any problems just find me or Simmy or anyone else who's here. We or they will help you out."

"Thanks." He nodded.

Simmy walked him out while I started to clean up. It wasn't much but it was enough for us. Looking at the large narrow room, the two rows of beds against each wall were all empty, all the curtains pulled back, making the room seem bigger. Hearing Simmy, I looked behind me to see her at the nursing station on the opposite side. She was jotting down what had happened tonight in the log. Finishing my cleaning, I restocked the few supplies we had used, writing down the ones that were low. I'd eventually have to make a run to the main hospital to gather supplies. It was one of the few times I left Dauntless. It was just enough to make me feel content. After days in and days out of tattooing and dealing with the sick and injured, a drive to the hospital was refreshing.

"Heading out?" Simmy asked as I stepped up to her. I nodded, taking a deep breath and let it out slowly. "You okay?"

"Yeah." I told her. "Just another satisfied customer."

"You should get some sleep." She smiled.

Nodding, I stifled a yawn. "Sleep does sound appealing."

"But?" She asked.

"But if I go back to sleep I'll never get up."

"So?" She countered. "I think everyone will survive without you for one day."

"Not the point." I told her. "I am dedicated to this job and the other. And I can still tattoo exceptional work running on little sleep."

"I know." She smiled, running her hand along the scorpion on the bottom of her forearm.

Grinning, I nodded at her. "That was a good night."

She nodded. "So what are you gonna do?"

"Probably grab my sketchbook and grab some breakfast."

"Can I join?"

"Of course."

Making our way back to my apartment, I grabbed my book before we headed to the Dining Hall. Today there was toast, eggs and bacon. Grabbing plenty, we sat down and Simmy watched as I nonchalantly ate while I moved the lead across the paper, bringing things to life. I didn't notice much around me until I saw Simmy tense, steps coming from behind me. Seeing a hand grab a piece of bacon, they swiftly moved on. I tensed as well, knowing who it was by the smell of him. As soon as he was gone, Simmy relaxed, looking at me. I just glanced in Eric's direction before returning to my work.

"Why does he have to smell so good?" Simmy asked. "It masks how evil he is."

Laughing, I shook my head, "I don't know. Just stay out of his way."

"I know." She replied. "You tell me that all the time."

"I'm just looking out for you."

"He transferred a few years before you, right?" She asked. I nodded, putting down my pencil and looked at her. "Was he always like this?"

"Yeah." I nodded. "If anything he might be a little less malicious than he used to be."

"Really?" She asked.

"I don't know, Simmy." I told her honestly. "I really don't know him. He's been a leader since he was seventeen. He's Four's rival. He lingers in odd places. I mean, I don't know him, Simmy."

"You sound angry." She commented.

Laughing, I shook my head, "He's a bad guy. Just his name leaves a bad taste in my mouth. The things he's done…"

"I know." She nodded. "We all know."

"What do we know?" Claude said sitting next to me.

"Hey." I grinned wrapping my arm around her, pressing a kiss against her cheek.

"It's before dawn, what are you two doing here?" She asked putting her arm around me as well.

"Fun times in the med area." I replied.

"Have you ever heard of sleeping?" She said gently shoving me.

"I've heard of it but I don't really have it down yet." I smirked at her.

As soon as Claude had eaten, I joined her in the training room while Simmy went off and did whatever Simmy did. Working out together, we went through the motions of our forms, attempting not to hit and wound each other too badly. I could take her on with hand to hand as long as she didn't have a blade. I'd attempted to reach her level with a blade for years without success. However, I was still champion when it came to guns. I never missed my target.

Landing hard on my back, I backward summersaulted, bouncing onto my feet. Facing her again, I licked the blood from my lip as she wiped hers from her cheek. Both of us were frowning at the other, sweat dripping down our bodies. She lunged at me, making me swivel my torso forward to avoid her fist, slamming mine into her ribs. Her feet momentarily left the ground, hearing the air leave her lungs. It didn't slow her for long, her elbow coming down onto my shoulder blade. Falling to one knee, I swiped her legs out from under her, rolling onto my back as she fell onto hers.

"Done?" I asked her.

"Done." She smiled at me.

"Draw?"

"I win." She stated.

I laughed, "Like hell you win."

"Pen won." We both looked over to see Henry leaning against the wall. "Fair and square."

"No." Claude said getting up. "Pen gave up."

"Pen is tired." I complained with a childish tone.

"Claude is too." She said mimicking me.

After parting from my friends, I once again returned to my apartment, showering before once again making my way to the Pit. Tori would be there by now and I was sure that she would be ready to work. I just hoped Bud was there as well so I could tell him about Nathan and what Mizer had done. I'm sure it wasn't intentional, but I had been warning him for months about his tattooing. He sucked. He needed to stick with piercing. At least he followed the rules when he was piercing things. If I had to I'd go to Max and get him reassigned. Even he couldn't deny the safety of our members.

Walking into the Parlor, Tori was there with a content look on her face. "Morning." I smiled at her.

"Hey." She smiled back. "Did you bring me your book?"

"Per your request." I replied, handing her my sketchbook. She sat down and started to go through them while I went and grabbed a cup of coffee, returning to see her in the exact same position. "So, what do you think?"

"Amazing as always." She smiled. "I enjoy this one."

Looking, I couldn't help but smirk and shake my head. "That one is honestly just a random drawing. I never intended on it to actually be put into the collection."

"I like it." It was a stalking wolf. Simple and elegant. No dripping blood, ragged fur, or barred teeth. It expression more curious than anything. "It's probably about time I got another tattoo."

"No." I told her.

"No?"

"Even if I wanted to tattoo that onto someone, it's not ready."

"You never think your work is ready." She stated.

I was about to get into it with her about it when Eric walked in. He didn't say a word as he looked at the art on the walls. Tori looked at me, closing my sketchbook, sitting straighter. I attempted to look relaxed, watching him closely. My eyes moved to the tattoos on his neck, done by my own hand. I hated those simple tattoos with no depth. But that's what he had wanted. Though as soon as he had come he was gone.

"That's the third time within 24 hours that he's randomly shown up." I told Tori softly.

"You don't think…" She frowned at me.

"I don't, no." I replied.

"Then why?"

"You're guess is as good as mine."


	2. Bonds

The sun was shining through the windows, waking me slowly. It was the weekend and I had nowhere to be today. Ready to spend the day hoarded away in my home, sleeping and drawing, I was saddened when I heard the familiar drop on the balcony. Pulling the covers over my head, I attempted to ignore it, even though the doors opened and a body fell onto the bed next to me.

"No." I told him through the fabric.

"Come on, Opie." Four told me.

Pulling the covers down, I shot him a glare, "I hate when you call me that."

"Why?" He smiled.

"Because."

"I could just use your full name." He smirked. I shot him another glare. "Fine." He said. "But I'm not going to stop calling you Opie. Just maybe not in public."

"My name is Pen." I stated. He just smirked at me. "And you're never going to stop." I added finally cracking a smile.

"Probably not." He replied.

Rolling over, I met his eyes. "So what do you want? This is supposed to be my lazy day." His smile fell and he looked at me with seriousness. "Should I be worried?" I asked putting my hand on his shoulder. He took my hand, gently playing with my fingers. "Tobias?" I frowned at him.

"I've been thinking." He said without meeting my eyes.

"Hey." I frowned, putting my hand against his face, making him look at me. "Don't go thinking anything that changes where your home is."

He frowned back at me. "Is this really home?"

"I know you aren't happy here. You chose Dauntless to escape your father and to become stronger. I get it. I understand what you're feeling. But that was before I was here. You're family, Tobias. Whether you like it or not, you're stuck with me. Don't ask me to abandon my home."

"You wouldn't have to come with me you know." He stated, his expression softening.

"Are you saying you don't want me to come with you?"

He smiled, "I'm not saying that."

"Good." I stated. "Because if you go, I go. And if I go, then we've got a bit of a following already."

"Then I guess I'll just have to stay here. Henry will draw way too much attention."

Grinning, I leaned forward and kissed his cheek before growing serious again. "I wish you'd stop thinking about it."

"I know." He replied. "But I've put my time in."

"This is your faction, Tobias. This isn't you putting your time in. This is your home. I am your home. You don't get to just abandon that when things get a little rough. You're doing good things in the control room and with training the initiates. And you know I adore tattooing and everything. Our lives are not that bad."

"You don't have everyone watching you."

"And who's watching you?"

"Eric. Max. Who knows who else."

"They want you to lead. That's the only reason that they're watching you. Don't worry about it so much. You've made your decision and they'll respect it." I told him and paused. "If not, then you have my permission to kick their asses."

He smiled and took my hand in his again. "Thanks."

"That's what family is for, Four." I smirked at him.

"You know that I've never known family like you have." He frowned.

"I know." I sighed. "That's why I'm teaching you."

For a moment he just looked at me. "Thanks."

"Anytime, brother." I smiled back.

Getting up, we went to the training room to get a good workout before breakfast. I didn't want to but I felt bad saying no. Every once in a while he got this idea in his head that he didn't belong here and that he would rather be factionless then stay where he didn't fit. But he did fir. He fit just as well – if not better – than a lot of our members. He was amazing. He was also kind and smart. He was the perfect combination of all factions. But when it came time to choose our factions, he had wanted one trait above all others. Bravery. Not to mention fearlessness. He wanted to be able to protect himself and those he cared about. He wanted to be able to stand up to his father. He wanted many things. Many that no longer were found in Dauntless. He had mastered bravery and fearlessness. He had mastered everything he set his mind on. Part of the reason we had bonded. In many ways I was like him. I wasn't running from anything or anyone. But I too wanted to find out what I was capable of. And I had. With his help, I had found who I was. I was still kind and able to be nurturing. But more than that I was brave and confident. I knew my limitations and I knew how to push myself and those around me. All being done with Four's voice in my head.

"I thought you weren't coming in today?" Tori said as I walked into the Parlor.

Nodding, I went to my work station, "I wasn't planning to but Four came and bugged me and now I have too much energy to just lay around like I had planned to."

"Damn that Four." She smirked at me.

"Plus there is at least three people waiting. I thought I'd give you a hand if you wanted me to."

"Of course." She smiled, concentrating on the ugly-ass spider that she was putting on some girls' chest. God I hated spiders.

It was after seven when the Parlor finally cleared out and the Pit was starting to die down. Tori was humming to herself while she cleaned her tools, while I sat on one of the lounge chairs, swinging my leg back and forth over the side of it, bent over my sketchbook.

"Can I ask you something?" Tori said softly, sitting in front of me.

I smirked up at her, "Like you need to ask."

"Are you really doing okay, you know, with everything?" She asked.

Frowning, I spun my pencil around my finger. "Yes I am." I told her. "With everything and even the everything after that." I added smiling at her.

She smiled and shook her head at me. "Fine."

Sighing, I watched her look at my art, knowing she was thinking about other things. "How about you? Are you fine with everything and everything?"

"Yeah." She nodded but there was something in her tone.

"You do know that you worry too much, right?" I smiled at her warmly.

"No." She stated.

Sighing again, I leaned over and opened a drawer, pulling a deck of cards out and tossing them too her. "You deal. I'm going to go find us a drink."

Going to Bud's office, I scrounged through his drawers, smiling when I found a bottle of tequila. Most had their homemade stashes but I could always count on Bud having the good stuff. Going back to Tori, we spent the rest of the night drinking and having fun. Sometimes I felt like we didn't have enough fun. We spent too much time being careful. Not wanting to draw any attention to ourselves. Though I drew enough attention to myself by just being myself. I knew what I should and shouldn't do. I knew Tori worried about me but there were others that needed someone to worry about them as well. For no matter how many times I told her that I could handle myself, I always caught her watching me.

Come morning, I was sitting next to Claude and Four, once again dragged from bed without my permission. Claude wanted a running buddy before breakfast and Four wanted to go through a training regimen for when the initiates arrived.

"They are months out, Four. Months." I told him as we walked toward the training room. "And I am taking the afternoon off of any physical exertion."

"Come on, I put together a few of the newer initiates who are still eager and willing to learn."

"And?" I frowned at him.

"And you've never helped me out before."

"Because you've never asked me to." I told him with a raised brow.

He raised one back at me, "Not the point."

"Sorry, go on." I smiled at him.

"Call it a trial run." He told me with his brow still raised.

"Fine." I replied. "Though I don't know what you expect to happen."

"Teach." He replied. "You were the first initiates when the rules changed. Your input would be useful."

"Now, all of a sudden, I'll be useful?" I stated with another raised brow.

He sighed, "Listen, you know I don't agree with the new training style and I could use your help to make Max happy. Eric will be lingering and it'll be easier on everyone if I have a little backup."

Sighing, I was going to agree to him, when a hard voice interrupted us. "Four."

We stopped and turned, seeing Eric striding toward us. "What?" Four asked roughly. "We're in the middle of something."

He looked at me before Four. "Too bad. Let's go."

"Why?" I shot at him.

Four quickly gripped my wrist. "It's fine." He told me. I frowned at him, glaring up at Eric. He folded his hands in front of himself, gripping a wrist as he rolled his shoulders. "Just go to the training room. I'll join you soon."

"Fine." I told him, still glaring up at Eric.

"Pen." Four said making me look at him.

"Fine." I repeated and started to move away.

Glancing over my shoulder, Eric's chin was dipped, his eyes on me. Shooting him a disgusted expression, he let out a silent chuckle before turning and walking away. As soon as they were from sight, I went to the training room to see six young members, some talking, others messing around.

"Alright, listen up, I know Four asked you here but he got called away so I'm going to start out and he'll join us when he can." I told them with crossed arms. They all lined up and looked at me. "What did he tell you today was about?"

"To continue to train." A young blond, Neely, told me excitedly. Her doe eyes were glistening with excitement.

Unable to suppress a smile, I nodded at her, "Alright then. Show me what you remember."

For the next hour, I watched them go through the forms from initiation, correcting and coaching along the way. They were as eager as Four said they would be. Dane and Cleo were paired up and going at it hard, blood starting to trickle from Cleo's nose.

"Hey!" I yelled at Dane. "This is not meant to let out pent up aggression. Take it out on the bags." He frowned at me but did as he was told. "Okay, who wants to learn something new?"

They all eagerly grouped together, Neely at the head of them. Taking a deep breath, I took them through forms that Four and I had gone over just a few weeks ago. He was always playing around with his fighting techniques. He never wanted to be caught off guard and there was always something new to learn. Something he was kind enough to share with me more often than not. And he always needed something to distract him.

Calling Neely from the group, she was from home and I volunteered her to act as my Guinea pig, knocking her on her ass a few times before letting her get a good hit against me. It was good for morale. But soon it was obvious that they were not quite as skilled as I had hoped they would be. Calling Dane back, they repaired and started to practice. Correcting them nearly continuously, I attempted to add enough positive reinforcement to keep their spirits up.

After a few hours, we were all worn out and it was obvious that Four wasn't coming. "Alright, that's enough for one day." They all nodded, breathing hard. "Good job though." I smiled. "Go get cleaned up, grab some lunch, and do whatever it is that you guys do." They all just smiled at me and left. Turning to the door, I saw Four leaning against the doorframe. "How long have you been standing there?" I smiled, stepping toward him.

"Long enough to know that if I'm not around, you have the skill to take my place training the initiates." He replied stepping toward me.

"No." I told him. "I was simply channeling the man who helped shape the woman I am today."

"You give me too much credit." He replied with a raised brow.

"Maybe." I smiled. "But it's still true."

"Opie." He sighed.

"What?" I frowned. "Why can't I try and lift your spirits?"

"Because it always makes me think you're up to something." He replied.

"Like what?" I frowned.

He narrowed his eyes. "I don't know yet."

Sighing, I nodded, "Fine. You wanna come into the city with me?" I asked.

"No." He replied.

"You don't even know why I need to go." I frowned.

"Supplies for the med area. In other words, boring for me."

Crossing my arms, I raised a brow at him, "So what are you gonna do?"

He smirked and leaned toward me, pressing a quick kiss against my cheek, "Whatever I want."

"In other words, staring at the monitors in the control room."

"Gotta keep tabs." He smiled.

"Fine." I sighed. "You take the fun out of everything."

He smirked at me, "I know how to have fun."

"I know." I smirked back. "But sometimes I really wish you'd have more of it."

Walking to the control room, I stepped in to see several people monitoring the screens. Four went to his usual spot and I scanned the room for Max. Not seeing him, I went to his office, hearing him and Eric inside of it, as well as the voice of a woman. I knew whose voice that was. Turning, I made to leave when the door opened and I stopped, turning to see Jeanine Matthews walk past me. Her perfect blond hair framing her face, her oh holier-than-thou glean in her eyes as she raised a brow at me, though she didn't say anything as she passed me by.

"Pen." Max said from the office.

"I didn't mean to interrupt." I told him as I stepped into the office.

"You weren't." He said sitting down. He was dark skinned, broad shouldered, dark eyes and hair, gray starting to creep up his temples. I talked to him often enough, honestly didn't mind him, but Eric's presence was making me anxious. "Are you in need to supplies?"

"I am." I nodded. "We've had a little fun this week and I could use more gauze and such."

He looked at me and nodded. "Eric has to make a trip into the city. You can go with him."

"Are all the trucks being used?" I frowned at him.

"We don't have enough resources to last forever. You will go with Eric. Two birds, one stone and all." He replied with an even tone.

"Fine." I told him, looking at Eric. "When are you leaving?"

"Now." He replied and walked from the office.

Sighing, I looked at Max. He just chuckled at me, leaning back in his chair. Rolling my shoulders and neck, I nodded, turning and following Eric down the hall, keeping a decent length of space between us. I held a special place in my heart for Eric. A place where all the evilness dwelled. It was as if he had black smoke billowing around him, warding off anyone from ever getting too close to him. Though his mouth did that just fine all on its own. Not to mention his actions. It's hard to like someone who enjoys forcing people to beat the shit out of each other or just does it themselves for their own personal amusement.

Following him to the garage, he grabbed the keys, talking briefly with one of the guards. He got into one of the trucks, starting it up. Walking to the passenger side, I looked through the open window at him. I didn't want to get in. Being this close to him, for what could be hours, was not something I was looking forward to.

He met my eyes, keeping them for a long moment before he rolled them. Leaning over, he pushed the door open, "Get in." Sighing, I got in, buckling up and leaning against the door. "What do you think is going to happen?" He shot at me as he moved the truck forward.

"I don't know." I shot back. "And that's the problem."

He just smirked at me. "Then I guess you'd better behave yourself."

Anger started to rise and I knew that I should just keep my mouth shut, but I had a horrible habit of speaking without fully thinking it through. "Because I'm the one we should be worried about." I shot at him. "While you're the one who probably raped and beat someone for breakfast."

The truck jerked to a stop. He threw it into park before turning his torso toward me, leaning as close as he could get against the seatbelt. "You know shit about me." He told me with an even tone, his eyes boring into mine. "I would suggest silence from here on out unless you'd like an insight to my love for beating that you think I have."

"It's not something I think. It's something I know." I told him with bravery. "I treat your _victims_ all the time."

He smirked at me, still keeping my eyes. Then he sat back, taking the truck out of park and we were once again on the move. Keeping my mouth shut the rest of the drive; he dropped me off at the hospital while he went off to do whatever it was that he had to do. Watching him drive off, I turned into the hospital, feeling relieved to be apart from him.

"Clara." I smiled as I stepped up to the large nursing station.

"Pen." She smiled. "Long time no see."

I nodded, "We had a quiet streak."

She tossed me a canvas bag. "Have at it. I don't think you need an escort anymore."

"You know me." I told her with a slight cock of my head.

She laughed lightly, "Have fun."

Going down the hall, I pushed through the door to the supply room. Walking the several rows, I started to pull supplies off of them, tossing them into the bag. Grabbing things we weren't even in need of, I wanted to avoid another trip to the city. If I could just stick to my normal routine, I'd be happy.

When I was done, I made my way back to the nurse's station. Looking down, making sure I had everything I needed, I didn't even see the person before I was slammed into, knocking the bag from my hands. The bag was heavy, making the supplies scatter across the floor. I called my thanks to whoever had hit me, kneeling and started to pick it all up again. Following the trail they had left, I reached for a pack of gauze, gripping a hand instead. Looking up, doing a double-take, I quickly let go as Eric picked up the gauze.

For a moment I couldn't find my voice. He gathered the supplies around him and put them into the bag. "Thank you." I finally managed, grabbing the last few things and putting them into the bag. Gripping the handle with both hands, I stood only to have him take the bag from me. "Thank you." I told him again.

"You ready?" He asked kindly even though his brows were furrowed.

"Yeah." I nodded.

Saying my thanks to Clara, I followed Eric to the truck. We both were quiet all the way back to headquarters. Even after the truck was parked, he took the bag and headed inside. I followed him for a while before I finally felt awkward enough to say something.

"Eric, I can take the bag from here. You don't have to come to the med area with me." I told him.

"It's fine." He stated.

"Eric." I frowned.

He didn't say anything the entire way to the med area, setting the bag down at the nurse's station before he turned to me. "Remember this when you think that all I do is beat and rape people."

"Don't forget manipulation and random acts of malice." I told him with a raised brow.

His face contorted and he shoved me against the wall, a moment of pain coursing through my shoulder blade, his hands slamming against it on either side of me. "And what do you do, Pen? Other than inking people and fixing them up, what are you doing here? If it's testing patience than you're doing a damn good job of it."

Shoving him away from me, I got in his face, "And you're proving everyone right, right now, in this moment." Then I smirked at him. "Congratulations for being the most hated Dauntless of our time." Wiping the smirk from my face, I walked around the counter, starting to unpack the bag. He turned, meeting my eyes with a hard glare. "You can go." I told him.

He just scoffed, shaking his head before he left, his steps loud in the hallway. Taking a deep breath, I swiftly put everything away, wanting to be with friends. I was rushing from the room, when I slammed into a chest, I was going to act defensively but then Four's hands were on my arms.

"Hey, Pen, it's okay." He told me with furrowed brows.

"Sorry." I told him with a smile.

"What's going on?" He asked.

I shook my head, shrugging out of his touch, "Nothing."

"Something's got you all wound up." He stated.

Sighing, I looked him over. "Are you hurt?"

"Just some split knuckles." He told me. "I was just looking for some antiseptic."

Nodding, I went to the cabinet and tossed him a bottle. "Were you just working out?"

"Yeah." He nodded. "Did you go into the city?" I nodded. "And?"

Sighing again, I crossed my arms, "I had to go with Eric and we both know how much fun he can be."

"Did he hurt you?" He frowned, gripping my arm.

"No." I told him, frowning. "No, Four, he didn't hurt me."

"He could have." He stated.

I nodded, "I know."

"Just words?"

"Just words." I smiled.

"Did you lose your temper?"

I shrugged my shoulders, "Just a little bit. I've been worse."

He sighed and put his arm across my shoulders. "Come on."

Going to the Dinging Hall for dinner, we joined Claude and Henry, eating and talking about the day. I didn't say much, not wanting to fuel the hatred we all had for Eric. We all knew how he could be. We all knew what he was capable of.

Joining both Claude and Henry in the training room afterward, we pushed ourselves to the breaking point. Our limits had been lengthened over time, making it harder to tire us out. No one was in conflict with each other, but we were the security for the city. We were the only ones to wield weapons and learn to fight. We were the faction made to protect and to evoke justice. We were awesome. To keep our image we had to keep ourselves fit. Not only that but if we let ourselves go we'd end up in the Chasm.


	3. Suspicions

Music was blaring, bodies were everywhere, moving to the beat. Night had fallen hours ago and Dauntless was alive with activity. The Pit and hallways surrounding it were full of people, everyone enjoying themselves. Holding my glass in the air, Henry's hands were on my hips, his lips against my neck. He was drunk and was enjoying himself to the fullest. I'd let him have his way with me, to a point, and then it would time for him to go to bed. Though I wasn't nearly ready for that. Swaying to the music, I gripped his hair, pulling his head back. Pouring alcohol into his mouth, he kissed me, part of it pouring into mine. Grinning, I kissed him again, turning in his arms, allowing him to grind against me. His lips found my neck again, his hand resting against my bare stomach. Reaching my hand behind me, I gripped the back of his neck, turning my face against his.

  
Looking next to us, Claude was grinding with a short blonde, their lips locked. Laughing, I enjoyed seeing her happy. She put so much energy into her job that it was nice to see her unwinding. The only question was, whether the girl would be around come morning. Claude had a bad habit of having fun and then moving on. But we all had our crosses to bear. Hers would be less destructive than mine. I should never have let Henry so close and yet, he was one of my two best friends, he wouldn't read into it. My eyes just grazed the crowd, stopping when I saw Eric. He had his arms wrapped around some tall lanky brunette, though his eyes were on me. Frowning, I watched him kiss her, pulling her against him as he turned and led her from the crowd. More than likely going to fuck her and who knew what else. I'm sure she'd consent. Who wouldn't want to be Eric's bitch for a night? I'm sure it would come with some perk or two. Right up until he dropped them on the curb.

  
It was hours later when we finally made our way to our homes. I had Henry's arm draped across my shoulders, my arm around his waist, as I took him to his apartment. Tucking him in, I set a glass of water by his bed before quietly closing the door as I left. Smiling, I made my way to mine, feeling happy with alcohol, but not enough to feel crappy come morning. Opening it, I kicked off my shoes, undressing as I went to the bathroom, I took a shower before crawling into bed, content with the world.

  
Sitting at the small table in the Parlor, I sipped my cup of coffee, staring at a blank piece of paper in front of me. I couldn't help the frown that crossed my face, hating that I had no inspiration this morning. Maybe it was from the alcohol last night, or it was from something that was bothering me that I hadn't realized was bothering me yet. I hated that.

  
"Morning." Tori said coming in.

"Hey." I replied without looking up.

She stepped up to me, looking at my blank page. "Have an artistic blockage?"

"Mm." I replied frowning harder.

"It won't last long." She said running her hand down my hair. Sighing, I sat back, still looking at the pencil. "Draw me something." She said sitting across from me, a cup of coffee in her hands.

"Like what?" I asked her.

"Anything." She stated.

Scoffing, I rubbed my face with my hands. "That's the problem." I told her. "I've thought of anything and nothing is coming to me."

She smiled, "Fine." She looked thoughtful for a moment. "A flower. A dark flower."

"A dark flower?" I said and smirked at her. "Alright."  
Using soft lines for the petals, everything else about it was hard. The leaves were jagged, the stem bent, and rotting petals at the base of it, a few still falling to the ground. Adding purple and black, with just a touch of green and a dash of red, I put final touches to it before sitting back in the chair. While I was playing around with it, Tori had tattooed three people, cleaning up after the latest.

"There." I told her, sliding it across the table.

She looked at me, turning and looking at the drawing. A smile broke out across her face, "See, didn't last long." Smiling, I shook my head at her.

"Ladies." A hard tone interrupted, the owner of the voice appearing.

My smile disappeared as I stood, "Eric."

Tall, built, and hard as stone, Eric stood before us. For being one of our leaders he was more malicious than anyone. At first glance you'd think him a beautiful man. But the more you got to know him the less beautiful he became, an evilness in him projecting out.

"We're busy. Get out." I told him harshly.

"Really?" He asked stepping in and looking around. "You don't seem very busy to me."

"Well, we are. Get out." I replied crossing my arms.

"Careful." He smiled at me.

"What can we do for you?" Tori asked him just cheerful enough, a hard edge in her undertone.

He kept stepping toward me, but looked at her. I couldn't help but feel tense by his presence. "I was going to get another tattoo but it appears I'm unwelcome." He told her with a chipper tone.

"Have a seat." Tori told him.

"I don't want it from you." He said turning to me again. "I want Pen to do it."

Flicking him off, showing him the feather quill pen that ran the length of it. The feather moved across my hand and around my wrist, turning into ravens at the edge of it, the birds making one last loop around my forearm. He just laughed, stepping even closer to me.

"Pen." Tori said as a warning.

I kept Eric's eyes, the blueness of them burrowing into me. "I'm not afraid of him."

"Pen." She repeated with more force.

Eric gave me an evil smile. I finally nodded at him, "Have a seat." For a moment he just looked at me. "Where do you want it?" He smirked before slowly starting to take his shirt off. "Whoa, whoa, whoa." I said holding up my hands. "What are you doing?"

"Showing you where I want it." He smiled down at me, putting his hand over his shoulder.

For a moment my eyes fell upon his flexed bicep. It was beautiful. I liked arms and if his were on anyone else I'd already be drooling. Only it was him. Sighing, I raised a pierced brow, grabbing a different chair to make him more comfortable. Even now I couldn't deny that when he wasn't speaking, he was everything a man should be. His toned chest, six pack of abs, his large biceps that I'd already ogled, and the fact that he towered over me all made me wet with wanting. His smile grew as he watched me take him in. Raising my brow again, I pushed him toward the chair, watching him sit down, his back to me. His shoulders were broad in the back, his muscles smooth and touchable. Mouthing 'oh my god' to the ceiling, I took a deep breath, remembering all the hell he had caused. All the while Tori was silently laughing behind me. Shooting her a death glare, I set to cleaning his skin.

"What do you want?" I asked him.

"Surprise me." He replied, smirking at me over his shoulder.

"Careful." I told him with a mischievous smile. He just kept my eyes. "Seriously, Eric, what do you want?"

He stood and towered over me once more. "Surprise me." He replied.

Sighing, I put my hand on his shoulder, pushing him back down in the chair. "At least tell me exactly where and how big." He opened his mouth, meeting my eyes. "Yeah, yeah." I told him exasperatingly. "I'll surprise you."

His back was surprisingly untouched. Putting my hair up, tucking my slanted bangs behind my ear, I washed and dried my hands, before running them along his shoulders, down his spine, and along his sides, making sure it was clean. Running my hands along him in various directions, I tried to think of what I should put on him. I wanted to put a giant 'fuck you' but thought that would be inappropriate for one of our leaders. And if I pissed him off I'd be the one in pain. Trailing my fingers from the top of his left shoulder down his back, I was still waiting for inspiration to hit me when he shuddered, leaning away from my touch.

"Are you gonna get on with this anytime soon?" He shot at me over his shoulder. "Or do you just intend on feeling me up?"

Smacking the back of his head, getting him to turn in the chair, I met his glare with a soft frown. "If you want me to surprise you then you need to let me think. Your back is completely untouched which means I have a lot of canvas to work with." Turning his shoulders, I ran my hand along his left shoulder blade. "So let me think."

It was several minutes later and I still came up with nothing. "Pen." He stated with a hard tone.

Sighing, I pulled a chair up in front of him. "Eric, I can't." I told him sadly, sitting backward.

"What?" He frowned.

"I want to, but I can't." I stated.

"Why not?" He asked.

Thinking, I tried to keep myself even tempered. "Because it's going to be on you forever and I don't really feel like doing something fun for me but that you loathe."

"When have you ever given a tattoo that somebody loathed?" He frowned. "You did the ones on my neck."

"Yeah, I know." I nodded. "Because you told me what you wanted." Reaching my hand up, I touched his neck, strictly from an artist's perspective. "And it was exquisite work."

He turned his head, leaning away from my touch before he met my eyes again. "You did the ones on my arms too."

"Again, because you told me what you wanted." I replied gripping his wrist, everything but his arm falling away as I trailed my fingers across the abstract maze of lines on his arm.

"Stop it." He frowned, yanking his arm away from me.

"I did those and they are amazing. But that wasn't just for fun. You thought about them and you told me what you wanted."

He nodded, running his hand along the tattoo, his brows furrowed. "They are amazing and exquisitely done. So do it again."

Narrowing my eyes at him, I was the one to lean away, "If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were complimenting me."

"Well I'm not." He shot at me with a hard tone.

"Then why do you want me to put something random on you?" I asked him.

"Call it an olive branch."

"Why?" I frowned at him.

"Why not?"

"Because you don't like me!" I yelled at him. "Why the fuck are you even here?"

"Calm down!" He yelled back.

"Guys!" Tori said interrupting us.

We both lowered our eyes, taking a deep breath. "Fine." I told him. "Then you at least have to give me something to go on."

"Like what?" He frowned.

"Give me an interest." I replied. "Do you like trees? Skulls? Wolves? The moon? Naked women? I mean, come on, Eric. You have to give me something. Faction symbols?"

"Sure." He replied.

"Sure what?" I asked with annoyance.

"Let's go with one of those." He stated.

Sighing, I raked my fingers through my hair before pointing my finger him, "You are infuriating."

"And?" He shot at me.

"Stop it!" I yelled at him.

"And you have a short fuse!"

"So do you!"

"Guys!" Tori yelled again.

I looked up at her. "Sorry." I said and took another deep breath. "Fine." I said and stood, going to his back again. "Are we still doing this?" I asked.

"Yes." He stated.

Sighing, I shook out my hands, once again putting them against his skin. Taking a slow breath in, I let it out just as slowly. He jerked again. "Don't move." I told him through clenched teeth.

"Then hurry the fuck up." He shot at me.

"I am going to throw your ass out of here if you do not shut the fuck up." I stated on the verge of yelling again.  
Tori slammed her hands down on the table, making us look at her. "You two are adorable and everything but you both need to shut up. Pen, just put something on him. And, Eric? Shut up if you know what's good for you."

"What's good for me?" He shot and stood.

"Don't." I said putting my hands on his shoulders, gently pushing him back down. "I'll behave." He met my eyes before turning in the chair. "Sorry." I told Tori again. Rubbing his shoulders, more for my benefit than his, I felt a nice collection of knots, sighing as I calmed myself, continuing to think. He bowed his head, relaxing. Running my hands down his back again, inspiration finally hit me, making a smirk move across my face.

"How much time do you have?" I asked him.

"All day." He grinned. Turning his head, he didn't meet my eyes and at the angle he was at I could see the length of his eyelashes, the shape of his lips, and the relaxation that settled on him.

"Okay, let's do this." I told him, blinking repeatedly as I regained focus. Pulling out inks, setting them on the floating table, I picked up a pen, picking up a tip from the row I had set out. "Just remember, you told me to surprise you." I stated, pausing with the tip just above his skin. "You ready?"

"Do it, Pen." He shot at me.

Smiling, shaking my head, I started without stenciling or anything. It took all of two minutes for me to become focused and serious. Continuously running my hand along his skin, wiping the blood and ink away, every move I made was precise and calculated. The image was so clear in my mind it were as if the tattoo was already there and I was simply tracing it onto his flesh. This was one of the best feelings in the world. To be able to lose myself. People filtered in and out but for me there were only two people. Eric and me. As horrible a person as I thought he was, I took my work extremely seriously, and I wouldn't ruin it just to entertain myself.

After a few hours, we took a break. I went and grabbed us lunch, eating in silence, though there was a moment where he dropped ketchup all down his bare chest. He was clumsy as he attempted to wipe it and keep the rest of it from falling onto him. Actually laughing, I helped him out, though in the next second I got to witness him tear the shit out of some young teens. He had been unnecessarily cruel to them, all leaving with pale expressions. I called him out on it but that only ended up with heated words and another Tori intervention. Then it was back to work. The sooner I got this over with the better it would be for everyone.

It was several hours later when it was nearing completion. The Amity tree stretched out across the left side of his back, stopping above his waist. Subtly placed within the branches was the Abnegation symbol. In the center of the trunk an eye for Erudite. The scales of Candor entwined with the roots. Flames spread out from the leaves, lapping just over his shoulder. Using the colors of the factions, I created one single entity to depict them all. Though only three were noticeable without studying it.

"Damn." Tori said as she watched. The parlor had been closed for a while and yet we still lingered. "That is something."

Smiling, I kept going, adding as much detail as I could. Feeling rebellious, I looked at Tori, who frowned, knowing what that face meant. At the base of the roots, I gently intertwined my name with them, branding him. No one would notice unless they knew what they were looking for, and Tori wasn't about to say anything. She shook her head at me. I just shrugged and kept going. When I was finally done, I taped together a big enough swatch of gauze bandage before placing it over the tattoo, securing it, and took a step back.

"There." I told him. "All done."

He stood and turned to me. He hadn't said a word throughout the entire tattooing process. We had all said enough during the couple breaks we had taken. I was grateful for that. He would have ruined it if he had spoken with the pen in my hand. But since this wasn't the first tattoo I had done for him, he knew how I worked.

"I swear, Pen." He told me as he gently put his shirt back on, me helping with the back to keep it from catching on the bandage. "If you put something grotesque on my back I'll be coming for you. And you won't like what I do."

Grinning, not wanting to fight with him anymore, I stepped up to him, running my hand up and down his right side, brushing my breasts against him as I kept his eyes. "Bring it on." Then I walked away, calling over my shoulder, "It's on the house."

"Like I would pay you for anything." He called after me.

"Of course not, my fearless leader." I grinned, walking backward so I could meet his eyes. When I was out of sight, my small faded and I waited for him to leave so I could clean everything up. "Is he gone?" I asked Tori when she came into the back with me. She nodded. "Good."

"For someone who hates him so much you do flirt a lot."

"Flirt?" I frowned at her. "Wasn't it you who had to break up multiple fights throughout the day?"

She nodded, "Yeah. But there was still a few moments in there."

Scoffing, I shook my head, meeting her eyes, "I'm not a complete fool. I know what pissing him off will do."

She scoffed in return, "And what do you think he'll do if he figures out that you branded him?"

"Probably throw me into the Chasm." I grinned.

She didn't laugh. "That's not funny."

My smile disappeared and I nodded at her, "I know." Her brother had been murdered there. At least that's what she told me. Everyone else had called it a suicide. "I'm sorry."

"You should be." She frowned at me. "And stop antagonizing him. He will make your life a living hell."

"Okay." I nodded. She had become like an adoptive mother since I'd been here. The moment I met her and showed her what I could do, we'd been nearly inseparable. Which was nice. We were both transfers and even though she had been Erudite, I found the Amity in me needed the bond we had made.

Cleaning up the giant mess I had made, the Pit was lit only with the blue lanterns when I finally made my way back to my apartment. Throwing on a tank that was already covered in paint, I did the same with a pair of short shorts, starting to pull out the paints I needed. I had just picked up a brush when I heard someone drop onto my balcony. Hearing the door open and close; I didn't even glance behind me.

"Where you been?" Four asked.

"Tattooing Eric." I stated.

"Why?" He asked, I could hear the frown in his voice.

Turning to look at him, I mirrored the frown on his face as he lay on my bed. "Because he told me to."

"Tell him no." He stated.

"I tried." I told him. "He didn't want anyone else to do it."

He stood up and stepped next to me. "It's suspicious."

"He doesn't know anything." I stated already annoyed.

"Keep it that way." He stated as he looked at my wall. "Why ravens?" He asked.

"Don't you remember my fear landscape?" I countered.

"I do." He nodded.

"Okay then." I said and put my brush in the paint.

He stood and watched me for a few hours, watching with wonder at the shapes that started to appear. It was very abstract, many images mashed together in one. But if you stared at it long enough, you'd be able to pick out the different factions, each picture depicting my thoughts on them. People were represented but never shown.

"What did you tattoo on him?" Four asked.

"It was an elaborate tattoo depicting all of the factions in one." I told him. "And don't worry, I branded him."

"Branded him?" He frowned.

"I put my name in the roots of the tree." I grinned at him.

"Opie." He frowned.

"He doesn't know." I told him.

He sighed and raised a brow at me, "And when he finds out?"

"I'll worry about it then." I stated. "Don't worry about it, Four. I can take care of myself."

"Can you? Against Eric?" He asked.

Sighing, I lowered my brush. "You're ruining my creative mind."

"Remember, you're Dauntless." He told me making his way to the balcony.

Sighing heavily, I started to put away my paints. "I wish people would stop telling me that."

He just smiled at me, getting an eyebrow raise from me, leaping up and grabbing the edge of his balcony. It was kind of fun having him above me. After I cleaned up, I showered and crawled into bed. In the distance were the shouts of the Dauntless still awake, relishing the night as only we can. It had become my lullaby over the past five years, falling asleep quickly and soundly.


	4. Poor Judgment

Blood still covered my skin. Panting, the punching bag swinging in front of me, I continuously struck the faded black fabric. Feeling the prickle of tears threatening to come out, I simply hit the bag harder. Going through the forms I had learned during initiation, I tried to let go of what happened. Tried to not blame myself. Pacing away from the bag, I rolled my shoulders, crisscrossing my arms as I swung them out in front of me in an attempt to loosen myself up. Taking a deep breath, I finally felt the tears retreat from the corners of my eyes. Looking at my hands, my own blood mixed with hers, my knuckles open and bleeding. Lifting my bare feet, the balls of them were raw and threatening to bleed as well. Sighing, I stepped up to the bag, putting my hands at its side, resting my forehead against it. Shutting my eyes, I went through everything I did. I had attempted to stop the bleeding and to diminish her pain. I had tried to drain some of the fluid building up in her chest. I did everything I'd ever been taught since I'd arrived. But it wasn't enough. We didn't have doctors. We had nurses. If an injury was severe enough we shipped them to the hospital at the center of the city. We were too far away. Even if we had a doctor she wouldn't have made it anyway. I knew that. I knew it was a lost cause the second I laid eyes on her. But I had tried. I had tried and now her blood was on my hands.

"Pen." Henry's voice said softly, his footsteps coming closer.

"Just leave me alone." I told him, my tone defeated.

"It wasn't your fault." He said tentatively putting his hands on my arms.

Turning, I swiftly wrapped my arms around his neck, burying my face there. Biting my bottom lip as I attempted not to cry. But I failed, feeling the first slide down my cheek and disappear into his shirt. He wrapped his arms around me tightly, making me feel safe and protected.

"Pen!" My name was yelled and Claude came flying into the room. "Jesus." She said looking at me. "At least Henry looks happy."

"Shut the fuck up." He told her as he let me go, his tone serious.

She swiftly backed down before slowly stepping up to me. "Come on, babe. We have to get you cleaned up." She told me gently, tucking my bangs behind my ear.

"No." I frowned. "I'm good." Turning back to the punching bag, I was about to continue when an even more serious voice entered the room.

"Let me have a minute with her." Four told them. They looked at me, not leaving until I nodded at them. Four stepped up to me, looking at all the blood. "Opie."

"I know, okay? I know." I told him. "It wasn't my fault." He nodded at me with a knowing expression. "But she was just a child. She just initiated last year. I helped train her. I knew her, Four. And to see her mutilated like that? It shouldn't have happened. It should never have gone that far."

"Do you think he cares?" Four said gently. "He doesn't except weakness."

"Then hide me now because I feel very weak at the moment."

"You tried, Opie. Nobody is going to look at you any different."

Nodding, I knew that. But it didn't change how it felt to watch her die. Wrapping my arms around myself, I ran my hand up and down my arm, swaying back and forth in an attempt to comfort myself.

"Pen."

Four jerked around while I simply shut my eyes, furrowing my brows. I didn't want to hear that voice or see his face. Taking a deep breath, I made sure my eyes were dry.

"Eric, she's fine. We don't need anything from you."

"You sweet on her, Four?" Eric asked stepping forward, a smirk on his face and an evil sparkle in his eye.

"Four." I said softly. He met my eyes, seeing everything I wanted to tell him.

He nodded and turned to face Eric. "One more step and I will put you down, Eric. You aren't needed, nor wanted, right now." Eric nodded but kept his slow advance.

"I swear to god, Eric." I shot at him through clenched teeth. He kept moving forward. Feeling my anger flare, I darted around Four, rushing toward him. Leaping into the air, bending my legs, my fist made contact with Eric's face as I came down. Landing with ease I paced away from him, enjoying the sight of blood on his face. "She was just a child!" I yelled, rushing him again, dodging his arm and punching his kidney.

"Pen!" Four said rushing forward.

Eric held up his hand to him, hunched over, his other hand on his side. "Let her get it out." He grinned.

"She was trying to be strong and fearless as a Dauntless should be and instead you beat her to death!" I yelled, attempting to land a front kick to his face.

He leaned back, my foot meeting air. Regaining balance, I spun and landed a round kick to the side of his head, sending him to the floor. Attempting to kick him in the ribs, he gripped my ankle, swiftly followed by my arm and before I could react I was flying across the room. Landing on my side, I rolled briefly before I stopped, springing back onto my feet. His hands were up, motioning for me to come at him, a cocky smirk on his lips. It only fueled my anger. I did rush him. He attempted to punch me only to have me easily bypass them, punching him in the stomach, spinning and backhanded him across the face. He recovered quickly, barreling into my center and taking me to the floor with him. His weight on top of me made me immobile, no matter how hard I struggled against him, his hands pinning my wrists to the floor.

"Enough!" He shouted. I spit in his face. He let go of one wrist long enough to backhand me before pinning it once again. I felt my cheek split open and for a moment black specks covered my vision.

"Pen, enough."

"You killed her." I stated, shaking from the adrenaline and emotional high I was on.

"She was weak." He shot at me.

"She made it through initiation. All you had to do was give her a chance." I shot back, lifting my head off the floor so I could get in his face. "You disgust me."

"Do you think I give a fuck what you think about me?" He glared. "You are no better than that whiny girl I put down."

"Then kill me, Eric." I told him. "Kill me now like you did her. Because what's the point of faction before blood if you murder your faction members? You're supposed to be a leader of the people. You're nothing more than a whipping boy."

His hand found my neck, putting just enough pressure so I could breathe shallowly. "Careful, Pen. Or I might take you up on that."

"I'm not afraid of you." I told him.

Clenching my jaw, I gripped his wrist, twisting it away from my neck before I slammed my head into his, dazing him, and allowing me to push him off of me. Getting to my feet, I kicked him in the groin before looking at Four. He nodded, a small smile on his face. Turning, he flanked me closely as we left, Henry and Claude falling in step with me as well. Swiftly moving through the halls, I stopped at my apartment door, turning to my friends.

"I can take it from here." I told them. Claude rolled her eyes and pushed past me through the door. Henry followed while Four still stood in front of me.

He put his hand against my neck. "If you need anything you know where to find me."

"I do." I smiled.

"He's going to come after you, you know." He stated. I nodded at him. "Don't let him beat you down."

"I won't." I smiled, putting my hand against his face. "Especially if you're keeping an eye on me."

"You know I will be." He smiled and walked away.

Turning inside, Henry was watching me and I could already hear water running in the bathroom. Smiling, I stepped up to him, putting my hand through his hair, wrapping my arm around his neck. He once again embraced me, feeling his face pressing against my neck. Running my hand up and down his side, I heaved a heavy sigh. Taking my hand, he led me to the bathroom, pulling the tank from my body before pulling down my shorts. Not caring that he was going to see me naked, it was nothing he hadn't seen before. Claude was standing under the stream of water, holding her hand out to me. Taking it, I stepped in and let her clean the blood from my body. The water felt amazing and I had to admit that being pampered was making me feel so much better. As soon as I was clean, Henry wrapped a towel around me, gently rubbing my arms. Pulling on a clean tank and a pair of black sweats, I combed my hair out before going to the bed. Sitting down I pulled my knees up against my chest, gently massaging my shoulder.

"Here." Henry said and moved behind me, doing it for me.

"Thank you." I told him.

After a few minutes, he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me against his chest. "Feel better?"

"Yeah." I told him, putting my hand on his arm.

"Should I leave you two alone?" Claude asked with a raised brow.

"No." I said and moved to the middle of my bed. The other two laid on either side of me.

"What are you gonna do?" Claude asked.

Thinking about what I did and the consequences that would come with it, I shook my head. "I have no idea." I replied. "Fight, I guess."

"You've got it in you, that's for sure." Claude grinned. "I can only assume you beat him since you came walking out."

"I did." I sighed. "But he's gonna take me on when I least expect it. He's smart. Smarter than we give him credit for."

"That's because it's hidden underneath his douchiness." Henry stated.

Rolling onto my side, I put my arm across him, nestling into his side as he wrapped his arm around me. Feeling Claude's arm move around me, she pressed herself against my back. I was exhausted, and I was going to take advantage of their closeness while I still could.

The sun was just starting to rise when I woke. Claude was gone but Henry was still there, his arm still around me. Lifting my head, I met the blue of his eyes. He smiled at me, gently brushing my bangs out of my face, pressing a kiss against my forehead.

"Thank you." I told him, resting my head against his chest.

"Anytime, baby." He said softly.

Pressing a kiss against his chest, I sat up, scooting to the edge of the bed before standing up. Stretching out my body, I started to change, donning the usual tight pants, boots, and a long sleeved V-neck. The shirt was tight and bothered a few of my fresh wounds, but I'd look more or less normal. Though I couldn't hide the cut and bruise forming on my cheek.

Henry got up as well, taking my head in his hands, gently touching the cut with his thumb. "You want me to come with you?"

"Yeah." I told him. Taking his hand, we went to the Dining Hall. Having slept through the night, we grabbed a muffin, before leaving and going to the Tattoo Parlor.

"Where've you been?" Tori asked before doing a double-take, sighing at me. "I told you not to antagonize him."

"He antagonized me." I shot at her. "Now I'm here to work, not talk about it."

"Fine." She frowned at me.

Henry sat in the corner, watching everyone who came into the parlor with careful eyes. He was a genuinely good person. He was kind hearted and playful on the outside, but when he had to be I think I'd be more afraid of Henry than even Eric. He was vicious and had become more so since we were initiated. I was pretty sure he could have beaten me during initiation but had held back. It was no secret that he felt for me. Something I let him do despite how I felt about him. I cared for him deeply but I wasn't sure if he was what I wanted. He should be, but I hadn't fully opened myself up to him.

"Thank you." I told him again while we grabbed a burger for lunch. He wrapped his arm around me, pressing a kiss against my temple. "I mean it, Henry. Thank you."

He just smiled and ran his fingers through my hair. "And like I said, anytime."

Resting my head on his shoulder, I put my hand on his thigh, gently squeezing it. He lingered with me for the majority of the day. He only left when he was called away to deal with some fight that was breaking out, being that he was one of our heads of security. He was amazing at his job. I was grateful it wasn't until later, making it less likely that something was going to happen. Even if it did, I could handle myself. I was Dauntless after all.

"I heard about the girl." Tori told me gently.

"Her name was Neely." I stated. "She wasn't just a girl. She was a human being who was murdered by her faction leader."

"You tried, Pen."

"Stop saying that!" I yelled picking up the tray in front of me and slamming it back down with enough force to scatter everything that was on top of it. "I am so sick of people telling me how I tried! I know I tried! I know I couldn't save her! But that doesn't make it better and doesn't make it okay!"

"Pen." She said sadly, putting her hand on my arm.

Pulling from her grip, I moved away from her. "Eric killed her without provocation. To him she was weak and he was going to beat it out of her. Instead of helping her, he killed her. She was so broken she was coughing up blood. Her ribs were puncturing her lungs. Her body was so badly beaten, she could hardly move. He let her bleed out internally while she laid on the floor before he even allowed her to be brought to the infirmary."

"Pen." She said again, a sad expression on her face.

"I've seen injuries, Tori." I said nodding at her. "I've seen things. But I've never seen that."

"So you beat him?" She asked.

"Believe me, it was extremely gentle compared to what he deserves." I frowned at her.

She nodded, stepping up to me with a look of thoughtfulness on her face. I wasn't going to like what she was going to say next. "Did you ever think that maybe he didn't know how bad it was?"

"You're going to defend him?" I shot at her. "After everything he's done?"

"No." She said quickly. "I'm simply stating that despite how hard he is, I don't think he would intentionally kill someone."

"Have you met Eric? Have you seen how malicious he is? He would kill. He'd kill if he was told to." I shot at her.

"Are you saying he was told to?" She frowned.

"No!" I yelled. "I'm just saying he's capable of killing."

"Fine, he's capable." She stated. "So are you. So am I. We all are. We're Dauntless."

"Why are you defending him?" I asked her calmly.

"I'm not. I'm defending you. Don't let this eat you up." She stated.

Shooting her a glare, I finished closing up all my stuff before swiftly leaving. Rushing to my apartment, skipping dinner, I fell back on my bed, staring at the ceiling. Deciding to not feel sorry for myself, I grabbed some paper and a pencil, swiftly moving the lead across it. Soon features started to appear, an adorable button nose, doe eyes, long straight hair that perfectly framed her heart shaped face. When I was done, I felt the sting of tears, Neely's smiling face looking back at me. She had been so carefree. She had wanted nothing more than to be Dauntless and now she was gone. She had been from home. I was supposed to look out for her. Her parents had asked me too when they came to visit her, bringing me a bundle of artwork from my sisters. She had told me it was my bravery in choosing Dauntless that gave her the courage to do it too. She didn't ask for this. She didn't ask for what happened.

Putting the paper down, I put my palms over my eyes, silently sobbing, my shoulders bouncing with each one. Running my fingers through my hair, I took a deep breath, picking the picture back up and swiftly leaving the room. Running through the halls, there was no sound, night had come and everyone had gone to their homes. Hearing the Chasm, I raced to it, gripping the iron railing as I looked down into the blackness before. Going to the narrow path leading to the bottom of it, I made my way down. It was barely lit, the path uneven, but I'd been down there enough times to have it memorized. I was unafraid of falling, despite the end it would bring.

Finding a flat rock, I sat near the edge of it, the river rushing past me, spraying me with mist, splashing me with water. Holding the picture of Neely in front of me, once again feeling the tears. Not bothering to hold them back, I took the lighter from my pocket, opening it and striking the flame. "I'm sorry." I told her before lighting the corner of it, watching it burn before dropping it into the river. "I'm so sorry." It was then that I tensed, realizing that I was not alone. Turning my head, Eric was standing there, arms at his sides, a curious expression on his face. "Come to throw me in?" I asked. He didn't say anything, he simply came and sat next to me, resting his arms on top of his bent knees. "I'll let you." I added. He remained silent. "What do you want?" I finally asked.

"I'm sorry." He told me.

"What?" I shot at him.

"I'm sorry." He repeated with a gentle tone. Looking at him, I shook my head. "I'm not saying it again." He stated with the hardness back in his tone.

"Why?"

"I went too far."

"Do you even care?" I asked, my tone laced with venom. He frowned at me but didn't reply. "Eric, you killed her. You killed a human being and you don't seem to care. Her blood is on your hands. On my hands."

"It wasn't your fault." He shot at me. "Pull the massive stick out of your ass and don't try and take the blame for something I did. I did it, Pen. Me. You had nothing to do with it. So don't act like your perfect little hands have been tainted."

"I was supposed to watch out for her, Eric. I've known her since we were children. I'm the reason she chose Dauntless." I explained.

"Well maybe you shouldn't have!" He yelled. "What are you doing here, Pen? Why did you chose Dauntless to begin with?"

"Because I wanted to be selfish. I wanted to be brave and prove that I could be whatever I wanted to be. I wanted to become as tough as those kids that jump off of a moving train. I wanted to be more than what I was. Is there something wrong with that?" I shot back at him. "Why did you chose Dauntless? To show how heartless and cruel you can be? Because you've got that down to a science."

"Pen."

"What, Eric? What the fuck are you going to say to me?" I practically yelled at him. "You walk around here like you mean something. So what if you're a leader of Dauntless? You're too young and inexperienced. I've seen you and Max with Jeanine. I know who she is. So don't try and tell me that deep down you're a good person because I know for a fact that you're nothing more than a scared Erudite who is as alone as the factionless!" Yelling by the end, I stood and attempted to move away from him.

He was on his feet faster than I thought possible, gripping my wrist and spinning me into his chest. His other hand found my hip, gripping it tightly. Meeting his eyes, we both glared at each other. In the next moment he was shoving me against the wall of the Chasm, his lips meeting mine in a fierce kiss. For a moment I fought him, not wanting a moment of what was happening.

He was everything I never wanted, and yet in the next moment I was kissing him back. My hand found his side, the other moving to his face. His hands moved to mine, deepening the kiss as he pressed himself against me. Shoving him away from me, he stood there, staring at me. Both of us were breathing hard. For a long moment we simply looked at each other, long enough to think about what we were doing, but my mind was blank. Rushing to him, putting my leg behind his, my hand against his chest, as I forced him to the ground. Straddling him, I pulled at the base of his shirt. He sat up, his lips meeting mine again before he pulled his shirt over his head. Doing the same, pushing him flat, I leaned down, trailing the ball of my tongue ring up his body from his navel to his lips. His hands found my arms, his fingers slipping into my hair before his hands found my hips. He squeezed, taking my mouth in his, our tongues running against each other's. Biting his lip, he pulled away from me, frowning before he rolled me underneath him. His lips found mine once again, the taste of his blood filling my mouth as he unbuttoned my pants, pulling them and my underwear down in one powerful yank.

For a moment he paused, taking in the tattoo that was just above my groin. It was a raven, its wings partially opened. It was a frontal view, its expression dangerous. To top it off, flames ran along the top of it. Slowly lowering his head, he pressed his lips against it, gentle, the heat of his breath against my skin sending a shudder through me. Gripping his hair with one hand, my other against his hard bicep, I felt wet with wanting for him. He kissed and licked his way back to my lips, blood from his lip leaving streaks against my skin. Sliding my fingers into the top of his pants, I undid them, pushing them down, my fingers running down the V of his groin, taking his member in my hands. Rubbing him until he was hard, I arched against him, willingly allowing him to enter me. And enter me he did. With one hard thrust he was inside, rocking vigorously against me. Relishing the initial moment of pain, I brought my knees to his sides, gripping his bare ass, wanting him deeper inside of me. Taking my breast from my bra, he gripped it painfully, making me grip his hair, pulling his head to the side, trailing my tongue up his neck, biting his chin forcefully before kissing him, sucking his lip, blood once again entering my mouth. Our lips daringly moved across each other's skin, pain erupting every so often. But never from him being inside of me. Feeling myself start to tighten around him, my head spinning as my senses were completely overwhelmed, we climaxed, both arching away from each other, our groans of pleasure mixing, as our groins remained locked together. Coming down, I ran my hands down his chest, meeting his eyes. For a moment he just stared at me, then his brows furrowed and he swiftly pulled out of me, the cold air rushing over me. Standing with his back to me, I couldn't help but look at my artwork. It had been over a week and it was healing nicely. Swiftly righting my bra, I pulled up my pants from where I lay, reaching for my shirt as he pulled his own on. Getting to my feet, I stepped next to him, my brows furrowing as I we looked at each other for another long moment. Then I ran. I ran away from him, leaving him behind me.

Racing back to my apartment, I slammed the door behind me, sliding down it, my fingers in my hair as I thought of what I had just done. Hitting my head against the door, I felt disgusted with myself. What the fuck was I thinking?

Feeling nauseous, I rushed to the bathroom, throwing up into the sink. Rinsing my mouth, I swiftly turned on the water, taking a long cold shower, scrubbing my skin until it was red and painful. Pulling on clothes again, I paced my apartment. I wanted to sleep but I was afraid of what I would see. Or feel. The night played over and over again in my mind. He was Eric. I hated him. So what the hell made me consent to him? What the fuck was I thinking?

When morning came, I sat against my mural, staring at my bed. I hadn't slept at all, making me scoff at how long the day was going to be. The worst of it would be if I had to see Eric. I didn't want to think about what he was thinking. I didn't want to think about him at all. And yet…I couldn't stop. It wasn't even good thoughts. I was disgusted with myself for what I did with him. Did it feel good? Hell yeah. But he meant nothing to me. The loathing I had for him yesterday was just as strong today.

Hearing a knock on the door, my stomach dropped before it slowly opened, Henry's face popped into view. "Hey." I smiled at him.

"What happened?" He asked me. "What are you doing?"

"Couldn't sleep." I stated, slowly getting to my feet. I was far sorer than I had anticipated. Clenching my jaw, I didn't let pain cross my face. "What's up?"

"What happened?" He repeated, frowning at me.

Sighing, I went to the bathroom and closed the door. Looking in the mirror, I clenched my jaw so tight I thought I was going to break my teeth. There was bruising along my collarbone, starting to reach up my neck. Touching a bite mark on my shoulder, I took my shirt and bra off, seeing small circular bruises on my breast. There was another bite wound on my wrist.

"You son of a bitch." I whispered harshly.

I hadn't noticed it when I had showered last night. Now I looked like I had been in yet another fight. Which was normal for a Dauntless but not for me. I'd have to wear long sleeves to cover the marks.

Taking another shower, I pulled on clothes quickly, Henry watching me all the while.

"What happened, Pen?" He asked yet again.

"Nothing important." I replied.

"Pen." He frowned harder.

"Henry." I shot at him, opening my arms questioningly at him. "It's not important. Let it go."

Leaving my home, he followed me all the way down to the Tattoo Parlor. Going inside, I went to the back and pulled the curtain, separating myself from him. There were no patients for me to worry about in the infirmary and I wasn't hungry enough to go to breakfast. I watched Henry's feet pace for a while before he finally turned and left. I knew it wouldn't be the end but I was happy for the solitude.

Readying my station, I pulled my hair back into a pony, wanting nothing more than to return home and come up with some sort of reason for looking like shit. Though everyone seemed aware about Neely and was giving me space to deal with it. As Dauntless, the funeral was already done but I wasn't quite as hard when it came to death. Not yet.

"Morning." Tori said coming in.

"Hey." I smiled at her. "Sorry for yesterday."

She just nodded at me, smiling, "It's fine. I understand."

"Thanks." I told her, sighing.

She looked me up and down, a frown setting in. "Please tell me you didn't get into it with Eric again?"

"He keeps showing up so I keep getting into with him." I smiled.

"Pen." She said sadly.

"I'm not afraid of him, Tori." I stated. "I will fight for what I believe in and everything about him is wrong."

She didn't get a chance to reply as people started to drift it. Working until the late afternoon, I finally got a chance to slip away. Rubbing my neck, I rolled my shoulders, making my way into the Dining Hall to get some food. Seeing Four, I sat next to him, grabbing a burger and fries, downing several glasses of water.

"You okay?" Four asked.

Sighing, meeting his eyes, I shook my head, "Not really."

"Do I need to interfere?" He asked.

"No." I smiled. "But thank you."

Eating in silence, I didn't feel much like talking anyway. Returning to the parlor I was happy to find it still empty. Going to the back, I propped my feet up, leaning against the wall and shutting my eyes. I was asleep almost instantly, the sounds of the Pit acting as my lullaby.


	5. Too Many Thoughts

A week had gone by and I hadn’t seen Eric more than just a passing glance. I didn’t know what he was thinking about what we did but it didn’t matter. The less he thought about me the better. The less I thought about him the better. However, I wasn’t succeeding at that as well as I had hoped. I wished I could forget about him. I felt awkward seeing him or thinking about him. Not being able to talk or fight it out with him was starting to drive me crazy, since it seemed that I was unable to simply forget him. It shouldn’t be this hard.

“You’ve been quiet.” Henry stated as we lay on my bed. I was on my stomach, hugging a pillow. Shrugging at him, blinking slowly. He sighed, running his hand down my back. “You wanna talk about it?”

“No.” I told him, moving over and nestling against his side.

“Why do you do this?” He asked.

“Do what?” I countered with a sweet tone. He wrapped his arm around me, pressing a kiss into my hair. I knew what he meant and what he wasn’t saying. Propping myself up on my elbow, I looked down at him. “We tried, Henry. We’re better apart.”

“Yet here we are as if nothing has changed.” He stated. “Not to mention our closeness on the dancefloor.”

“Don’t read into it.” I told him gently.

“I’m not.” He replied. I could hear the hardness in his tone.

“Hey, don’t do that.” I frowned at him. “Just because we’re not together anymore doesn’t mean that I don’t still love you. You’re my best friend. That’ll never change.”

“I hope not.” He said pulling me down against his chest.

“It won’t.” I told him, leaning up and pressing a kiss against his neck. “Now cuddle with me so maybe I can get a good night’s sleep.”

He stayed the night, holding me for the majority of it. I did still love him. I was pretty sure I’d always love him. He was my first love. From what I’ve been told it’s always the first that stays with you the longest. Plus he was always around. He’d always be around. He knew me better than anyone. Except for maybe Claude.

“God I love muffins.” Claude said at breakfast the following morning.

I laughed and shook my head at her. “Yeah, I know. You look tired. Did you get any last night?” She just grinned at me. Laughing harder, I nudged her, loving her flamboyant personality. “I gotta go.” I told her, grabbing a muffin for Tori before taking my leave.

Tossing it to her when I walked through the door, she caught it midair, biting into it as she continued what she was doing. It was another long afternoon with many demanding people. I loved tattooing but sometimes I wanted to stab them and tell them to get the fuck out. If they wanted to be so picky they could waste someone else’s time. When the day ended, I was the last one left in the parlor, cleaning things up, enjoying the quiet, I was about to shut off the lights when I heard someone step through the door.

Hearing them, I stepped out from the back and froze. “Eric.” He nodded at me, his hand gripping the opposite wrist in front of him, his stance authoritative. “What can we do for you?”

He smirked at me, “I’m ready for another tattoo.”

“We’re closing.” I retorted with annoyance. He raised a brow at me. It took me a long moment to not go from three to ten. It was late and I honestly didn’t want to fight with him. “There’s probably no sense in fighting with you.” I told him with difficulty. “Sit.” He took off the jacket he was wearing, draping it over a chair. “If you plan on taking your shirt off again I will have to demand that Tori tattoos you.”

He laughed and sat in the chair, putting his forearm upside down on the pad of the workstation. “No.”

“Good.” I said and sat down. “Are you going to tell me what you want this time?” I asked. He shook his head. “Do you even like the other one I did? Why won’t you tell me what you want?”

“Because it doesn’t matter.” He shot at me with a serious tone.

“This is going to be on you for life, Eric. I will start to refuse you if you don’t tell me what you want.” I shot back.

“Then make it next time.” He told me with a raise of his chin.

“Next time?” I frowned. “Why, Eric, why do you insist on me doing it? Why can’t you leave me alone?”

“Because getting you to raise your hackles is entertaining for me.”

It was a metaphor and yet as soon as the words were out of his mouth my hackles were as high as they could go. My jaw was starting to get sore from clenching it in his presence. “Get out.” I told him, standing and moving away from him. “I’m refusing you now.”

He stood in one fluid motion, stepping up to me. “And what if I slammed you on top of this table? Would you refuse me then?”

Stepping even closer to him, I could smell his musk, the heat of his breath wafting over my face. “Get out.” I repeated. “And that will never happen again.”

He sat back down in the chair and held out his arm, meeting my eyes. It was several minutes of just staring at each other before I sat back down, grumbling to myself. After weighing the pros and cons, if I just got it over with then he could leave and I wouldn’t have to see him again for a while. Or so I hoped. Cleaning his skin, I ran my hand up and down his arm, taking in my canvas. I’d have to work around the existing tattoo. It didn’t leave much to work with. Inspiration was – once again – not my friend as I kept running my fingers down his arm. He jerked, making me frown up at him.

“If you want me to do this than hold still. Don’t make me keep saying it.”

He just frowned at me. Raising my brow at him, I had to refocus, running my hand down his arm again before picking up the needle and tattoo gun. Holding it, I ran my hand back and forth across his arm again, thinking about what to put there. I hated doing the patterned shapes like he had me put on his neck. The abstract patterns on his arms was a little more up my alley, but still not what I aimed to do. I liked doing things that held meaning. Once again being able to pick, I met his eyes, nodding before bringing the pen just above his skin. Resting my forearm against his, his fingers twitched around mine. He cleared his throat as he averted his eyes, a heavy frown on his face.

“Trust me?” I smirked at him with a raised brow.

His expression smoothed out, but there was hardness in his eyes. “Never.”

“Good.” I smiled before starting.

Once again seeing it against his skin before I put ink to it, I tattooed a Raven on his arm. Intertwining the wings with the existing tattoo, making it appear as if it were breaking free. Free from whatever cage it was put in. Something more surly looking probably would have been more appropriate, but I was playing off a deep down hope that he had a thread of decency inside of him. That he was just a caged animal searching for a way to escape. Smiling as I went, the only thing in focus from me was his arm, the raven almost alive in my eyes. I couldn’t help but love it as I put a few finishing touches on it. I thought it was amazing. Setting everything aside, I finally looked up, seeing Eric’s eyes on me. I still wore a smile while he face remained expressionless.

“You don’t like it?” I asked, feeling a twinge of disappointment as I put a gauze bandage over it, my fingers trailing along the edges. I had barely secured it when he stood, grabbing his jacket before leaving without a word. “Okay then.”

Cleaning up, I closed the parlor before slowly making my way to my apartment, grabbing a bite to eat along the way. Sighing with frustration, I reached for my knob before realizing that my door was open. Freezing, I slowly opened it, seeing nothing out of the ordinary. Stepping in and closing the door, I locked it, making a sweep of my apartment before deeming it safe. Stripping, I went into the bathroom, turning on the light to see Eric leaning against the sink.

“Get out.” I told him, not bothering to cover myself up. He just looked at me, a small smile starting to creep across his face. “Now, Eric.” I added, turning on the water, pulling the tie from my hair, letting it fall over my shoulder. He started to undress, a crooked smile on his face. “No, Eric. I’m not doing it again. I won’t stoop that low.”

“I’m the one who’s stooping.” He stated.

“Fuck you.” I shot at him. “Get the fuck out.”

He put his hands on my hips, his thumbs running along my raven. “Let me fuck you first.”

“Like you let me before?” I frowned at him. “And no.”

“Get in the shower.” He commanded.

“Get the fuck out.” I retorted. His shirt was off and his pants were around his ankles. “Go.” I said shoving him, making him stumble backward, falling and slamming his head against the wall. The sound alone was painful enough but to watch it made it worse, making me cringe for him. “Ow. You okay?” I asked. He sat slumped against the wall, his eyes shut. “Eric?” He didn’t move. “Oh, come on, don’t do this to me. I don’t want to care.” I whined and grumbled as I knelt next to him. “Eric?” I said putting my hand against his face. Gently running my fingers down the back of his head, I checked to see if he was bleeding. I was thankful he wasn’t. “Eric, come on.” Taking his head in my hands, I rubbed his cheeks with my thumbs. For a moment I took in his relaxed expression. He truly was a beautiful man. “I hate you.” I told him, though my tone was saying something else. In the next moment I was in his arms, his lips against mine. “Seriously?” I frowned at him.

He smiled down at me. “Now you owe me a shower.”

“I hate you.” I told him coldly. He laughed, pressing his mouth against mine, his tongue parting my lips. His taste flooded my senses and I found my resolve weakening. “Eric.” I frowned at him, his hands running up and down my back.

“It’s just sex.” He smiled before kissing me again.

“I really hate you.” I glared at him.

He pulled me against his chest as he violently attempted to kick his pants off. I couldn’t help the laughter that broke from me as he failed miserably. Letting him go, I reached down and yanked them off, pulling down his boxer-briefs and grinning at his penis. Looking over my shoulder at him, he gripped my waist, hoisting us both onto our feet. He pressed my nakedness tightly against his, his lips meeting mine as he stepped me backward into the shower. As soon as the water hit us, my hands were gripping him. His did the same, finding a sweet spot in my side, making me shiver every time he squeezed it. Finding one of his in his neck, gently biting it before sucking it, his breath quivering against my shoulder. Taking his head in my hands, I kissed him slowly, deepening it as I pressed him against the wall, the water flowing down my back.

“This is the last time.” I told him.

“You can’t refuse me.” He whispered in return, his lips still against mine.

“Yes I can.” I replied, before laughing hysterically as he gripped the back of my knee. I couldn’t hold it in. With his first guess he had found the spot where I was most ticklish. Just one more reason to despise him. Not even Henry had found that spot and we’d dated for months. “No.” I told him, still giggling, unable to help myself. He silenced me with a kiss, my head growing foggy. “Eric.” I said growing serious, a pit falling in my stomach. “I can’t do this.”

“Why not?” He asked.

“Because of who you are.” I frowned at him. “Because of what you do.”

He just looked at me, his smile falling, “Then let’s get this over with.”

Shaking my head at him, my frown deepened, “I’m telling you no, Eric.” My thumb running across the fresh tattoo on his arm. “You should keep this dry.”

He kissed me deeply, stepping out of the shower. Standing under the flow, his eyes slowly moved over my body, starting from my feet. They paused at the leaves that twisted around my ankle. Again at the shattered glass at my hip. Then on the flamed raven. The words against my ribcage. I watched his eyes follow the scar from just below my breast, curving up between them, and the imbedded barbell at the top of it. He slowly stepped up to me, gently brushing my hair over my shoulder, trailing his fingers across the tree on the back of it, the branches just visible from the front, but he had noticed them. I watched him take a strand of my hair, moving it between his fingers, taking in the different colors. Then he met my eyes. All the while I had just stood there. Despite the way he took me in, I felt nothing toward him. I wasn’t afraid of him. I didn’t care that he was staring at me. I just wanted him to go.

“It’s only sex.” He stated.

“No.” I told him slowly.

Then he was pulling me from the shower, picking me up in his arms. Carrying me to the bed, he gently laid me down atop it. I hated that he was capable of such gentleness. I hated that I knew this shouldn’t happen and yet I didn’t want him to stop. He laid himself on top of me, his weight comforting, his lips against mine just adding to it.

“Eric.” I said trying again.

“Shut up.” He replied.

He did just fine shutting me up as he kissed me again, pushing up inside of me. My head immediately went fuzzy. He knew how to get it done and in this moment he got it done quickly, yet it had been anything but disappointing. I’d never risen so high so fast with anyone. It was as if he knew more about me than he was letting in. Which was terrifying and yet so fucking pleasurable. He moved off of me, lying on his stomach, hugging a pillow under his head. Smiling at the ceiling, sighing, I propped myself up, gently trailing my fingers across the tattoo I had given him. He relaxed at my touch. Bending down, I pressed a kiss against his shoulder blade, trailing them up to his neck. I hated his personality but I found that I adored his body. The warmth of his smile. It was only when he spoke that I remembered why this was such a bad idea. Why I couldn't keep seeing him.

"Eric." I said softly, trailing my nails up and down his back. "Eric." His steady breathing made me lean back. His face was relaxed as he slept.

Sitting up, I looked down at him. His muscles looked too perfect to belong to him. It was as if he was perfectly sculpted, chiseled out of stone for all to see. Trailing my eyes down the smoothing of his back, taking in the small dip of his spine, smiling as I bent my knees, reaching my hand out and running it along his perfect ass. Slipping out of bed, I ran my hand down his leg, feeling the hair and muscle, as I moved to stand at the end of it. Wrapping my arm around myself, I put my thumb of the other between my teeth as I looked at him. He made soft noises as he slept, hearing a contented sigh leave him.

Feeling a wave of disgust and anxiousness move through me, I used the bathroom before slowly making my way back to the bed. He hadn’t moved. Lying back down, I pulled the covers over both of us before resting my head on my pillow, looking at him. Putting my hand against his neck, I ran my thumb across his jawline. Moving my hand to his hair, running my fingers through it, before running my hand down the back of it to his neck. "Fine. One night." I told him, leaning in and kissing him sweetly. "Why can't you be a good guy?" Shutting my eyes, I fell asleep, sleeping more soundly than I had in a long time.

When I woke, I jumped, momentarily forgetting that Eric was there. He was smiling down at me. Frowning, I rolled over, shutting my eyes again. He wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me against his chest. He put his chin over my shoulder, pressing a kiss against my cheek.

"Eric." I frowned, rolling over and meeting his eyes. His arm remained around me and I covered it with my own.

"I'm not asking for anything, Pen." He frowned back at me.

"This isn't a relationship. This is sex." I stated quite plainly. “I let you stay the night, but that doesn’t mean anything, because this isn’t anything.”

For a long moment he just looked at me, I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Then he pulled his arm from around me, getting up and putting what remained of his clothes back on. "I wasn't asking for anything." He repeated and left.

Sighing, I draped my arm across my forehead and stared at the ceiling. Feeling torn, I got up and showered. Taking an extra-long time to wash the soft spot away that I was forming for Eric. I didn't want to like him. I didn't want to feel bad for kicking him out. Only I did. Which sucked.

“What’s wrong with you?” Four asked at breakfast.

“Nothing.” I stated as I started to pick at a muffin, not eating any of it.

“Everything okay?” Claude asked as she sat next to me.

I sighed and raised a brow at her. “Everything is fine.”

“You sure?” Henry asked sitting across from me.

“What is this?” I frowned at them. “Worry about Pen day?”

“It was worry about Henry day yesterday. We like to keep it fair.” Claude smiled.

Scoffing, I stood, letting the muffin roll off of my hand. “Whatever.”

Spending the day in the Parlor, I worked until the sun went down. Then I went to the med area and helped Simmy out, even though there was nothing going on. For some reason I was avoiding going home. Only my friends who were family didn’t wait for me to get there. I was folding clean sheets when they all strode in.

“I’m okay, guys.” I told them before they could say anything.

“You were awfully short with us at breakfast.” Claude stated. “Something is going on.”

“Nothing is going on.” I stated.

“We know you better than that.” Four stated, crossing his arms as he stepped up to me.

“I had a thing that happened and it was, you know, a thing, but I’m dealing with it and it’s fine.” I said giving a vague explanation.

“A thing?” Four said with a raised brow.

“Yes.” I stated. “A thing.”

“A good thing or a bad thing?” Claude said sitting on the bed I was standing at.

“Dude.” I frowned at her. “I just made that bed. Get up.”

“Sorry.” She said standing.

“Is violence needed to deal with this thing?” Henry asked with a protective tone.

My eyes quickly moved to him, but I smiled, disarming him as I tried not to give anything away. “No.” I stated. “No violence is necessary.”

“Okay.” He nodded.

“It’s late.” I told them. “Go home.”

“I’ll wait for her.” Four told them.

“Maybe I want to wait for her too.” Claude shot at him.

Smiling as Four shot them a glare, they turned and left. Though I knew he wasn’t done with his questions. “Did Eric do something?” He asked.

“Why would you ask that?” I frowned at him.

“I stopped by the Parlor to talk to Tori. She didn’t notice anything but said you’d had a couple fights with Eric.”

“He’s nothing.” I frowned, shaking my head.

“I know.” He nodded.

“So where are you going with this?” I asked him.

“Done?” He countered.

“Yeah, let’s go.” I nodded. We were nearly halfway home and he hadn’t said anything. “Answer my question.”

“I wasn’t going anywhere with it.” He told me. “I just worry about you is all.”

“Don’t.” I replied.

“You know why we’re worried, don’t you?” He asked.

“I actually don’t.” I frowned at him. “Please enlighten me.”

“Really?” He frowned.

“Four, you guys never worry about me. So I really would like to know what the deal is.” I replied with annoyance. “I haven’t been acting different. Maybe a little on edge but nothing so out of the ordinary to condone all of you worry. Especially all at once.”

“You never get into trouble.” He told me. “You never let yourself stand out. You don’t pick fights, you end them. You protect those who need it.”

“Aaaand?” I frowned at him.

“And over the past week you’ve been a little off.” He stated.

“Sorry.” I told him.

“Just tell me if you’re okay.”

“I am.” I replied softly. “Anything that is going on is being dealt with.”

“Fine.” He nodded.

“And I haven’t even been that off. You guys are jumping to conclusions.” I smirked at him.

“I’ll give you that.” He nodded again.

“So why were you so quick to jump on the bandwagon? You don’t usually worry without proof.” I told him.

“I heard your name in the control room and it spiked my interests.”

“Who was talking about me?” I frowned.

“Eric.” He stated.

“And?” I countered, a pit falling in my stomach.

“And I didn’t hear much but he said it more than once and the way he said it maybe the hair on my neck stand up.” He replied.

“Do I dare ask?” I asked with furrowed brows.

“He said it like he knew you. Like something had happened.”

“I see.” I nodded and sighed. “Well, you know you don’t have to worry about me when it comes to him.” The words turning to ash in my mouth since I was lying to him. Straight to his face. I hated myself for it. “Right?”

“Of course.” He said putting his arm around me.

Doing the same, he continued on once we reached my door, moving on to his. Smiling after him, I opened the door, sighing, happy to be home. Stepping forward, my bedside lamp turned on, making me freeze and my head jerk toward it.

“Eric?” I frowned at him. Momentarily laughing, letting my head fall back against my shoulders, I sighed and looked at him. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Pen.” He said standing up from my desk chair.

“What are you doing here?” I shot at him. “Why the hell would you come back here?”

“Why not?” He countered.

“Because I don’t want you here!” I yelled at him. “I thought I made that clear last night. And again this morning.”

“Do you think I care what you want?” He glared at me as he stepped forward. “Do you think that you hurt my feelings?”

“You don’t have any feelings.” I glared back at him. “You’re here for a booty call and that’s all.” A smirk grew across his face. “You’re not going to get it.” I shot at him.

“Aren’t I?” He asked just inches in front of me.

I could smell him. He smelled amazing. I couldn’t figure out what he smelled like but it made my mouth water. “No.” I told him. “You’re not.”

Come morning, we were both under the covers, naked and newly bruised from the nights events. It had been fun. Way too much fun. That had lasted all night long. For a while I still felt gross, only then that feeling started to ebb away and I found myself enjoying it. I found myself wanting it. For that night and the week that followed it, Eric was in my bed. It was unexpected and completely wrong, but I couldn’t stop. No matter how many times I told myself and him that I didn’t want it. That I hated him and that it would never happen again. It would happen again. The hatred started to fade as well, and I found the smile on my face was real. The caressing of his face, the feeling of his lips against mine, making it feel like time stopped.

God I hated him.

I hated him for staying at night. Hating him for being the reason that I slept better at night, with him next to me. The noises he made and the heat of him pressed against me made me never want to get up. I found that I adored the way he slept, the expressions he made, usually one of contentment right before he fell asleep, more often than not with his arm around me, pulling me against his side. I found myself staring at him, enjoying his company more and more, even though I still played the cold card when he woke up. The only time we ever talked, and we never talked a lot. Not enough to actually learn anything about each other. We had learned everything we needed to know between the sheets. After all, it was just sex.

Holding his hand as he slept, I ran my fingers across the scarring on his knuckles, turning it and seeing a scar the length of his palm. Leaning up, I pressed a kiss against it, feeling the slightly raised flesh against my lips.

"That feels nice." He told me. Swiftly dropping his hand, he laughed rolling over and slipped his arm underneath my neck, gripping my left wrist, turning it and running the fingers of his other across the tattoo down my forearm. “Take Flight.” He whispered.

“Yeah.” I said pulling his arm out from underneath me.

He sighed, bending his underneath his head as he draped his arm across me, his chin against my shoulder as he pressed a kiss against my cheek. "I know you like having me here."

"You assume I like having you here." I corrected.

"Just admit it so I can go back to sleep." He said softly, pressing his lips against my shoulder.

Rolling over, facing him, he started to trail his fingers up and down my back. His eyes were still shut and his breathing was even. Putting my hand against his face, I leaned in and kissed him. "Fine. I like having you here." I told him.

"Good." He whispered. 

“Just for the sex.” I added. He opened his eyes and frowned at me. Lifting my fingers to his lips, I gently ran them across them. “And to feel those perfect lips against mine.” I whispered.

He gave me a groggy half smile, leaning in, parting his lips before pressing them against mine, gently sucking on my bottom lip. He tasted amazing. The warmth of them putting everything into focus and yet my head swam with the sensation. Putting his forehead against mine, he took a deep breath before falling asleep again.

Unable to suppress a smile, I kissed him once more, staring at him. I desperately wished he could change and be a good guy. That he could be worthy of being cared about and that he wasn't as hated as he was. He still pissed me off on a nearly daily basis but then he'd come to me at night and all of that would be forgotten.

The following night he came to me and we didn't even have sex. He came just to sleep. Which was weird and it took me a long time to fall asleep, even though he was out as soon as he fell onto the bed. If only there was talking in there somewhere as well. I found myself wanting to get to know him. Thinking of all the people I cared about, they would never approve of it. It made me feel guilty that I wanted to know him. I shouldn't. Reminding myself that he was the bad guy, like I always did when feelings arose, it didn't stop me from nestling against him and listening to him as he slept.

It had been another week of sleeping and fooling around, loud laughter erupting at all hours of the night, and mornings of being well rested with the gentle caressing and soft kisses that came along with it. Eric and I had started to develop a routine, making it easy to let him slip in and out without being seen. Or so I had thought. Eric had already left, leaving me to shower and get ready for the day, only to come out and find Four sitting on my bed.

I just smirked at him as I started to grab clothes, "What are you doing?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing." He frowned back at me.

"What do you mean?" I asked though I knew.

"Don't play coy, Opie. What the hell are you doing?"

"It's nothing. It's just sex."

"With Eric."

"It's none of your business." I shot at him.

"Pen, what the hell are you thinking? You can't sleep with Eric and think that he won't expect something in return."

"It's just sex." I told him slower so maybe he'd understand. He shook his head at me. "What's the worst that can happen, Four?"

"What if he starts caring about you?"

"So what if he does?" I shot at him.

"If you turn him down then he will make your life a living hell."

"If I don't then maybe I can make him a better person." I retorted.

"Opie, you can’t change him. Please tell me you haven't fallen for him. Not Eric."

"I haven't! If I've fallen for anything it's just his body and what it can do to me." He just looked at me. "Four, don't worry about this. I'm not going to do anything stupid."

"You already have." He replied, swiftly leaving the room.

Standing there, staring at the door, I didn't want him to be right. I hadn't fallen for Eric; I simply enjoyed the sex he gave me. Or that's what I kept repeating over and over to myself. Though the more I said it, the thicker the words became in my mouth. A feeling of dread started to seep into me.

Deciding not to leave my apartment today, I stayed in bed, staring at my mural or the ceiling, trying to convince myself that it was just sex. Rolling over, his smell hit my nostrils and immediately made me think of him and how he made me feel. He made me feel alive. Every time he touched left a trail of fire. It was euphoric. And he had seriously sounded pissed when I told him it was just sex. No matter how hard I tried I kept coming back to the same place.

"I think I'm falling for him." I said out loud, making it real.

The sun was setting, the perfect orange glow shining through the windows as I sketched on my bed. I hadn't seen or talked to anyone all day. I assumed Four had spun some lie for me. Maybe I was sick. Maybe I was hurt. Maybe I was dealing with something completely stupid and have to spend the entire day thinking about what I'd done. But it didn't matter. The object of my predicament came striding through the door.

“Hey.” I told him, setting everything aside.

“Ready for some fun?” He smirked at me.

Unable to even force a smile, I sighed, running my fingers through my hair, standing up. “This is just sex, Eric.”

“What?” He frowned.

“I just want to clarify that this is just sex. There are no strings attached or expectations or anything else. By ‘fun’ I hope you just mean sex. And sleeping.”

Anger crossed his face as he nodded at me as he put his hands in his pockets. "I know what this is." He stated. “But don’t you ever want more?”

Looking at him, I wanted to tell him yes, so badly. "Four knows."

"What?" He frowned.

"Four knows about us and he's pissed about it." I elaborated.

"It has nothing to do with him." He frowned.

I nodded at him, "I know."

"But you're going to listen to him." He scoffed and shook his head. "I don't know why I thought you'd be different."

"I am different, Eric.” I shot at him. “But we both know that as good as we might be – emphasis on the might - for each other, it will not be accepted with the rest of our faction."

"It's not up to them." He shot back at me.

"Are you telling me that you want to be with me?" I asked him. He just looked at me. "Do you want to make this official and walk around holding hands?" He still didn't say anything. "Are you falling for me?" He still didn't say anything. "You've gotta say something to me, Eric."

"If you want to stop just say it and I'll walk away." He replied.

"Just like that?" I frowned at him. "This morning you were looking at me like I was yours and now you're just going to walk away?"

"Tell me what you want, Pen?"

"It needs to end." I told him. "You're not good for me and if I attempt to make this into a relationship I will lose my reputation and my credibility. Not to mention my friends."

"All right." He said and moved toward the door.

"All right?" I said, needing the clarification.

He turned to me, meeting my eyes, "I was never asking for anything, Pen." He told me and left.

Sighing, I crawled under the covers, staring at the ceiling. That lasted all of two seconds before I got up, got dressed, and set to work on my mural. I needed to not think about him. Even if it was just for a minute.

Afraid to face him the next day, let alone anyone else, thinking they’d be able to see what I’d been doing, he was nowhere to be found. I knew that he had plenty to do in the control room but I figured I’d see him in passing. Only pretty soon a day had gone by, and then another, and another. And when I did see him, he barely looked at me and when our eyes did meet his expression was full of disgust and annoyance. I had clearly offended him, because it didn’t stop there. I had told myself it would never happen again. And yet one night he came calling and I couldn’t deny that I had enjoyed the sex. He was rough and made feel like every part of me was lit as we pulsated with each other. No words were broken and he left the moment we were done. This went on for a few weeks. It seemed his anger with me only grew as time passed. It got to the point where I swore it lasted only a few seconds. He even stopped kissing me. He'd become the animal I always took him for and yet every time he came calling I never once turned him down. The more silent he became the more silent I became, just to spite him even though I knew it didn't affect him. But it took two and if he wanted to play games then I could too.

Standing in the back of the parlor, it was late and I was the last one there. Bud and Mizer were gone, Tori had taken the day off. The guys weren’t good at cleaning up after themselves and honestly weren’t that great at their jobs. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. Bud was a good tattoo artist and Mizer did some amazing piercings. He’d done the embedded barbell between my breasts, my tongue piercing, as well as the double eyebrow piercing I had him do just the other day. A little bit of pain did the body good.

I was deep in thought, not hearing the door, when hands were on my arms. A body pressed against me and by the way it molded against mine, I knew it was Eric. “No.” I told him. He pressed harder against me. “No.” I repeated more forcefully, turning and shoving him away from me. “No more.” I frowned at him. “Especially when it doesn’t mean anything.” He just looked at me. “You won’t say anything to me. You don’t even kiss me anymore. How is this doing anything for me?” He remained silent. “I will no longer stroke your cock without a little something in return.”

He swiftly gripped me between my legs, making a shuddering breathe escape me. “Tell me again that you don’t want it.” He said with a hint of anger.

“I don’t want it.” I told him slowly. He pressed against me and I shoved him back. “I’m telling you no. This is over. It’s done. It should never have happened to begin with.” Taking my head in his hands, he leaned down, his lips barely grazing mine. His breath wafted over me, making me start to lose my senses. “You should go.” I told him, trying my hardest to mean it. He must have known I didn’t because he just smiled down at me, holding my eyes for a long moment. His tongue flicked out, running past my upper lip before he released me and left. For a moment I just stood there, taking quick breaths, everywhere he had touched had left fire, except my lip where his tongue had touched it, it was ice cold. “Holy shit.”

Going back to my apartment, I took a cold shower, staying under the stream until I was shivering, trying to wash his hold off of me. It was just sex. That’s all I wanted. Did I want everything that came with sex? Sure. But he hadn’t been performing to my standards of late so I had refused him. Not only because of that but because he was no good for me. I would ruin whatever reputation I had managed to build since I transferred. I refused to do that. I didn’t want to be associated with Eric in any way. I didn’t need sex. If I really wanted that, all I had to do was go to Henry.

  
Henry.

Shutting the water off, I got dressed before swiftly leaving, going to Henry’s room. I let myself in, finding him slowly moving through forms. He had a glistening layer of sweat, the masculine scent of him filling the air.

“Pen?” He said breathing hard as he looked at me. “What is it?”

“Don’t talk.” I told him, gripping him and pushing him onto the bed.

Straddling him, I kissed him deeply, running my hands up and down his chest. He didn’t ask questions, he simply kissed me in return, his hands moving up and down my back. Taking my head in his hands, he met my eyes, looking at me with confusion. Keeping his eyes, I kissed him slowly, my tongue gently brushing against his. He shut his eyes as he trailed kisses along my jawline and down my neck. Pressing my lips against his collarbone, I gently bit him before trailing my tongue along it. Pushing off of him, I slowly stripped in front of him. He quickly did the same before yanking me against him.

“God I missed you.” He whispered with his lips between my breasts.

“Make love to me.” I whispered in return.

For he did love me. Eric was just a body in motion. Henry had the heart and soul to go with it. I didn’t love him. Not the way he wanted me to, but I wanted to feel the relief that he would give me. Give to me without question. He may ask me about it later but right now he was giving me exactly what I wanted.

When morning came, I lay naked under the sheet, Henry pressed against my back. I trailed my fingers up and down his arm, hating myself for using him the way I was. It made me feel like I was no better than Eric. He used me for sex and now I was using Henry. It wasn’t fair. I’d have to make it up to him somehow. However he wanted me to. Henry was one of my best friends. I didn’t want to ruin that with my own petty needs.

“I know what last night was.” He told me.

“And what was it?” I asked.

“A moment of frustration. You needed relief and I gave it to you.”

Sighing, I rolled over and met his eyes. “And I appreciate it.”

“Wanna tell me why you needed me last night?” He asked.

“No.” I smiled, running my finger from one side of his face to the other.

He held my gaze for a moment before nodding, “Okay.”

Furrowing my brows, I ran my fingers through his hair, “Will it hurt you if I tell you that it didn’t mean anything?”

“No.” He replied with a small smile. “I know you well, Pen. I’m not naïve enough to think you were coming back to me.”

“Thank you.” I said kissing him before burying my face in his neck. “Thank you.”

“Anytime, baby.” He replied sweetly. Smiling, I pressed myself as close as I could get to him, letting the feeling of his fingers up and down my back make everything else fall away.

Finally getting up, we left hand and hand, making our way to the Dining Hall. We were just passing through the entrance when my shoulder was forcefully hit, spinning me, Henry’s arm wrapping around me to keep me steady.

“Hey!” I yelled with annoyance turning to the person who had done it.

“Watch your step.” Eric shot back at me.

Anger boiled and I felt myself shaking, “Go screw yourself.” I shot at him.

In the next second, I was on my hands and knees, the taste of blood in my mouth. Laughing, I darted to my feet, lunging at him only to have Henry grip me around my waist, holding me back. Eric just laughed and left the Hall.

“Bastard.” I said under my breath before I pulled from Henry’s arms.

“You okay?” He asked as he gently touched the corner of my mouth where it had split.

Nodding, I licked the blood off of it. “Yeah, babe.” I said taking his hand again. “I’m good.”

“Seriously?” Claude frowned at me when we joined her at our usual table.

“I didn’t start it.” I shot at her.

“Hey, it’s fine.” Henry said matter-of-factly. “Let it go.”

“Stay away from him.” Claude shot at me.

Feeling the anger rise, I wasn’t even hungry anymore. Standing, I leaned my hands on the table, gripping the edge so tight my knuckles grew white. “I plan to.” I told her calmly before walking away.


	6. Figuring Things Out

Going to the parlor, there was already one in Bud's chair and another waiting. Asking what they were looking for, I delved into my work, putting yet another Dauntless symbol on the back of another young Dauntless who was overly excited about being here, hollering all the way through the Pit when I was done. Soon the waiting area was full and the hours passed as I continued to put pattern after pattern in various places on various Dauntless members. Though one girl gave me a treat, asking that I tattoo the inside of her ears. It was intricate and tedious work, putting us both in awkward positions to allow me the perfect angle, and took far longer than I would have thought. But I had accepted the challenge, and when she left we both had smiles on our faces.

"Nice work." Bud told me. "There was no way in hell I was doing that."

"Thanks." I replied and shoved him. "We should be grateful that I'm the better artist here."

He laughed but nodded. "You're going to do wonders with your time in Dauntless."

"You make it sound like you're going somewhere." I frowned in return.

He gave me a small smile, "I'm not sure I have too many years left in me."

"Seriously, Bud, don't talk like that." I told him, feeling a wave of sadness picturing our own faction either kicking him out or letting him leap into the Chasm just because of his age.

"Come on." He grinned. "Let's get a drink."

Nodding, I followed him to the back and he took out his bottle of liquor. Pouring us both a cup, we drank heavily, hearing our faction members grow louder and louder outside of the parlor. Bud drank much faster than I did, clumsily refilling my cup before he and the bottle disappeared from the parlor, hearing the cries of our people as he joined them. Feeling warm and a little fogged over, I made my way from the parlor. Many had started drinking and dancing as a group lifted their voices, the sound of them echoing off the walls of the Pit. Still drinking what I had left, moving and flowing with a dense group of people, I felt the brushing of fingers across my back. Turning, they were gone, only to feel the touch again across the back of my neck. My fingers were gently pulled as a hand slipped in and out of mine. Turning again, I came face to face with Eric. He didn't say anything; he simply lowered his head, his lips just grazing mine before he was gone again. My heart was immediately racing as I spun to try and find him again. Only before I could, I hit the chest of another, meeting Henry's eyes in the fog the alcohol had put me in. Henry took the cup and finished off what was inside of it.

"Shit, Pen!" He exclaimed. "That's strong enough to put you on your ass with one cup."

"And I've had three." I grinned up at him, wrapping my arm around his neck as I kissed him passionately.

We stayed with the group until late into the night, swaying back and forth to the makeshift music, making out and drinking from the many bottles that passed through the group. When it started to quiet down, he brought me back to his place, once again taking me to his bed and making love to me like he always did. Only it was no longer rough enough. My body wasn't on fire at the mere touch of him. I didn't swoon or drown in the pleasure of his love. I simply let him fuck me, my orgasms mild, and yet he seemed to be as happy, if not happier, than he ever had been. Which was okay with me. If he was happy. And as long as he knew that this didn't mean anything.

"You look like shit." Four stated as I picked at my muffin the next morning.

"Well, that's what happens when you have fun." I smiled at him. "So clearly you've never felt like this." He just frowned and shoved me off the bench. I landed hard on my back but was laughing loudly. "I'm just kidding." I told him as I pulled myself back onto the bench. "You're always so serious."

"What are you doing, Pen?" He asked.

"What do you mean?"

"With Henry is what I mean." He replied.

Sighing, I shrugged at him, "I'm uh – filling a void."

He shook his head. "You should find someone else to do that with." He stated. "Henry is madly in love with you and all you're going to do is hurt him."

"I did find someone else to do that with and you disapprove of him." I told him, feeling a hint of annoyance. He shot me a death glare, making my stomach flip. "I'm sorry. And I know that I shouldn't be with Henry. But it's not like before. He knows that it doesn't mean anything because I told him it didn't mean anything." I replied. "He knows it and understands it."

"Does he?" He asked with raised brows. "So when he was discussing your future with Nathan this morning that means he understands that you're using him for sex? Come on, Pen. You're better than that. You don't need sex or a relationship."

"I don't?" I frowned at him.

"You're perfectly happy with your art and your work in the infirmary. Not to mention you have to be sure you're in top shape before the initiates arrive."

"Jeez, Four. I hadn't realized you'd already planned out my life." I shot at him. "What are you doing anyway, watching me on the monitors in the control room?"

"I see things." He nodded, digging himself a deep hole.

"You're an asshole." I told him, getting up.

"Why?" He frowned. "Pen!" He called as I walked away from him. "What did I say?"

Making my way to the training room, I suddenly felt the need to release some energy before I hit someone. Changing into less restricting clothes, I took my stance in front of the punching bag, punching, upper-cutting, side kicking, and round-housing the shit out of the bag as fast as I could. I wasn't as fast as Claude but I was fast enough. Moving to the center of the room, I punched with speed and accuracy, dodging invisible arms, staying on the balls of my feet as I jumped from side to side.

"Face me." A voice said startling me. Turning, Eric stood there with a hard expression on his face.

Not needing to be told twice, I moved toward him. He took off the jacket he was wearing, leaving him with a skin tight t-shirt. Trying not to let the bulge of his biceps distract me as he lifted his hands. Doing the same, we started to circle each other. I wasn't going to be the first to make the move. If he wanted a fight, fine, but he was going to initiate it. Which he did, flying a fist toward me with such speed I barely had enough time to spin away from him. His side had been unprotected but I wasn't able to take advantage of it as I leapt out of his reach as his other fist came flying toward me.

Bouncing on my feet, I feigned to the left before ducking under his arm, slamming my fist into his ribs. Dropping and sweeping his legs out from underneath him. He fell backward, slamming to the ground. Pacing away from him, I let him get back onto his feet. He glared at me with such force, it made me nauseous. Rushing at him again, I made the mistake of attempting the same maneuver, only to be clotheslined, my lungs emptying of air as I slammed to the ground. He let me get to my feet, an evil smirk on his lips. He came at me, his fist meeting my mouth while the other met my cheekbone. Deflecting a punch to my stomach, I forcefully pushed his arm away from me, throwing him off balance. Burying my fist in his stomach, I brought my elbow down onto the joint of his shoulder, forcing him to his knees. Gripping his arm, I spun it behind his back, threatening to pop it out of its socket.

"Now I can see why you ranked second. Four is twice the man you will ever be." I told him through clenched teeth, my lips pressed against his ear.

In the next second I was stumbling backward, my nose throbbing from the force with which he hit it with the back of his head. He turned, punching me hard across the cheekbone, feeling it split. In the process, I bit my cheek, blood swiftly filling my mouth. He gripped my throat, pulling me to my feet. Spitting the blood in his face, he wiped it off with the side of his hand. Looking at the blood, he grinned at me, licking the length of it, remembering the taste of his blood.

"You disgust me." I shot at him, swallowing another mouthful of blood.

He nodded, "I disgust a lot of people."

"Most people haven't been where I have." I replied, slamming my fist into the crook of his arm, breaking his hold on me. Head-butting him, I hit his nose with my forehead, swiftly taking a step away from him. Both of us looked at each other, breathing hard. "Now we're even." I told him, motioning to my own.

"Eric." Max said appearing in the doorway.

Eric looked at me with frustration before he moved toward the door. He paused about halfway there, turning and meeting my eyes. Feeling my anger toward him start to falter, I sighed and shrugged at him. He nodded, turning and followed after Max. It was only a few seconds later that Claude appeared, leaning against the doorframe.

"Feel better?" She asked.

"No." I told her.

"You look like shit." She stated.

Nodding, I started to palpate my many new injuries, "I know."

"You're gonna be a raccoon tomorrow."

"Yeah, probably."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"You're asking permission?" I countered.

She stepped forward. "What are you doing with Henry?"

"Why?"

"Because he thinks you two are getting back together. Now, I've attempted to sway him away from the thought but he's not biting."

Sighing, I sat down, feeling a pulsating pain in my knee. "I don't know, Claude."

"I get sexual frustration." She said mirroring me. "God knows I'm there myself. But you're not going to take care of me and Henry should not be taking care of you." I nodded. "He'll read into it. And we all know what his temper is like."

"He scares even me." I replied with a small voice.

"He scares the piss out of me and we all know not a lot scares me. Not when it comes to shit like that."

"I know. Okay? I know." I shot at her. "I will talk to him."

"You better." I just sighed again, nodding at her, feeling drained. "You in much pain?"

"Not enough to complain about."

"You've got a blood mustache."

"It's not broken though."

"I can change that for you." Shooting her a look, she laughed at me. "I'm kidding, Pen. I wouldn't do that to you."

"Ugh."

"Why did you fight him?"

Meeting her eyes, I shrugged, "I don't know. I guess I feel like someone should put him in his place."

"And that has to be you?"

"He thinks he can get away with anything. That he can take whatever he wants. Well, he can't! Just because he thinks he can have something doesn't mean he can or he should." I rambled.

"What did he take?" She asked.

"What?" I frowned.

"You sound like he took something from you. What did he take?" She elaborated.

Pausing, my mind racing to find an excuse, I shook my head, "Nothing. But it doesn't have to be about me. He took Neely's life. He antagonizes Four even though he already has what he wants. He's got the body to please anyone but he opens his mouth and takes your soul with it."

She frowned at me. "Was that supposed to make any sense whatsoever?"

Sighing loudly, I stood, moving to the door fluidly despite the pain I was in. "Never mind, Claude. It doesn't even matter."

"Pen, wait." She said following me.

"It doesn't matter." I repeated.

"Clearly something matters and if it matters to you then it matters to me." She replied.

Stopping, I turned to face her. "Why can't he be a good guy?" I asked her.

"Because he's Eric." She replied quickly with a look of disgust. Rolling my eyes, I started down the hallway again. "What, Pen?" She asked following me. "Why are you acting like you give a shit about him?"

"I don't." I shot at her too quickly.

"Well, if you did, kicking his ass is not the way to show it. Also, that would be really gross. You'd have to stoop super low to do anything with him." She went on. "And you're way better than that. I'd let you fuck Henry as much as you want if the alternative was Eric." She made a noise as she shuddered. "The thought alone makes me wanna throw up."

"Thanks." I told her shortly.

"Sorry." She stated. "Do you need me to help you clean up or anything?"

"No." I replied, veering off toward my apartment.

"Are you mad at me?" She called after me.

Turning, walking backward, I raised my arms, "I'm mad at myself, Claude. It's not all about you." Turning, I started to jog, ignoring the throbbing in my knee.

"Pen." She called after me. "Pen!"

I didn't stop this time. Going straight to my home, I let myself in, closing and locking the door behind me. Walking to the bed, I fell backward on top of it, staring at the ceiling. Letting confusion wash over me, I tried to give myself the benefit of the doubt. He was a bad guy. He was the wrong guy. Henry was the right guy and all I could think of was Eric's hands against me, the taste of his blood in my mouth. Who the hell was I becoming? Because I sure as hell wasn't acting like myself.

The lock clicked and Henry let himself in. He still had a key and I wasn't about to take it from him. He took one look at me before swiftly moving to my side, gently running his hands across my new wounds, frowning at the blood that still covered my face. Without asking what happened, he led me to the bathroom, turning on the water before gently taking my clothes off. Stripping himself, we stepped into the shower. I knew that I shouldn't have let him do anything, but I needed his gentle touch right now. He gently scrubbed the blood from my body, careful around the bruising that was already forming and the few areas where the skin had split. Soon his lips also trailed across my skin and how I hoped that it was doing something for me. He was a wonderful guy and he loved me. That should have been enough. But it wasn't.

Even now, I felt bored. He would do everything he could to make me happy, but that wasn't what I wanted. Eric challenged me. He made me feel like I was on fire. The passion he had shown me had seeped into me and I couldn't shake that feeling. Trying to just made me angry and unlikeable. But I also didn't want to give in to him. The feeling would pass. I didn't need him or his body or his lips - oh mother of god - I lied. Even the feeling of Henry's lips against mine couldn't make he think of anything other than Eric's. They were perfect and fit perfectly with mine. Now Henry's lips felt awkward and I suddenly felt like I was kissing my brother. And I don't have a brother.

Trying my hardest to be in the moment, I let him seduce me, letting him think that he was doing a good job of it. When he had tended to my wounds, he led me to the bed, gently lying me down atop it, pressing his naked body against mine, feeling him harden almost immediately. I needed a little more coaxing before I was ready, trying to get in the mood by remembering all the moments when I had enjoyed this. When he finally pushed inside, he rocked against me with slow, deep thrusts. I didn't want slow. Deep was fine but I wanted to feel it. Telling him harder, he picked up the pace, only I found myself repeating the word, practically yelling it as I gripped his ass. All the while I was picturing Eric in my head. Arching against him as the climax came; he kissed me, bringing me back from my own thoughts, reminding me that he was not the man I was imagining.

"Jeez, Pen. You never liked it that hard before." He smiled at me, panting as he fell to the side.

He may have been tired but I was still a bit on the bored side. I had no choice but to stop this. It wasn't fair to him. "What are we doing, Henry?" I asked him sadly.

"Getting back together?" He offered with uncertainty in his voice.

"Oh, baby." I smiled. "I can't."

"Then what was the point of the past few days?"

"I told you it didn't mean anything." I frowned at him. "You said you understood that. So why all of a sudden are you spouting shit about getting back together."

"Don't sugarcoat it." He said staring at the ceiling.

Sighing, I rolled over, putting my hand against his face. "You and Claude are my best friends. My family. But that's all we can be. I thought I could do this. I thought I could be with you. But I can't."

"You're not screwing her too are you?" He shot at me as he got up.

"Henry, don't be mad." I said softly, sitting up.

"I'm not." He told me, but color was already rising in his cheeks. "Not at you anyway. I'm mad at myself for thinking you'd come back to me."

"You are amazing, Henry. You really, really are."

"Just not your kind of amazing?" He asked with a bitter tone.

I shook my head. "As much as I would love you to be, but no."

"What do you want, Pen?"

"Nothing you can be, Henry." I told him as gently as I could. "Don't try and change because of me. I'm your best friend and that, I guarantee, will never change. I wish it could be more, you have no idea how much, but it just can't be. It's not fair to you."

"Damn right it's not fair." He told me, pacing.

"Henry." I said feeling a wave of anxiousness.

"I should go." He said quickly pulling on his pants, grabbing the rest of his clothes before he moved to the door.

Letting him leave, I let out the breath I had been holding. He had held himself together well, but I knew that when I saw him tomorrow his knuckles would probably be broken open and someone would be sporting new wounds. Unless he was smart and just went to the training room. Then he could at least work off his anger. Getting dressed, I went to the parlor hoping to find Bud there. As luck would have it, he wasn't there but he was happily drinking with a group of others. Walking up to him, I took the bottle from his hands and walked away. There were enough ruckuses in the Pit that I didn't want to hear. But I didn't want to be home either. Finding a dark hallway where it was quiet, I knew there was no one around. Taking long drags off the bottle, I let it warm me. Letting the liquor sit on my tongue, I swallowed it slowly. My head was starting to feel foggy when voices drifted toward me. It was Max.

"We're right on schedule."

"By the look of it I'd say we've hit a snag." The woman replied.

Jeanine.

"It's nothing." Eric's voice entered.

"Remind me what your purpose is again." She demanded.

"To find the Divergent." Eric replied. My veins ran cold and the effects of the liquor swiftly disappeared as adrenaline started to course.

"They can still be out there. If they're smart they would have learned how to project what we want to see. Divergent Rebels are everywhere. Just because you don't suspect them doesn't mean they aren't there. I need to make sure that you're prepared for the new initiates and that you're paying attention."

"I am." Eric told her with annoyance. "You don't have to keep reminding me of how I got my position or what my purpose is. I understand, Jeanine."

"Good." I heard the clicking of her steps retreat while Max and Eric passed the hallway I was sitting in.

"I still can't believe you let a girl kick your ass." Max told him. "Grow some balls, Eric. Act like a fucking leader. Stop letting her get to you."

"I don't let her get to me." Eric shot at him.

"You can't lie to me and I'm not blind." Max told him. "Whatever she means to you needs to end. She's nothing. No one. Got it?"

"Yeah, I got it."

Now they were out of earshot and I tried to move but found I was too afraid to. I needed to find Four. I needed to tell him what was going on. I needed to tell someone. Finally getting to my feet, leaving the bottle behind, I raced to Four's apartment. It was empty. I couldn't find him in the Pit or the training room or anywhere. Racing to the parlor, I found it empty. Once again running, I skidded to a stop in front of Tori's room. Letting myself inside, I saw her in bed with some guy I didn't know.

"Get out." I told him.

"Who the fuck are you?" He shot at me.

"Pen?" Tori frowned.

"Get the fuck out!" I yelled at him, rushing toward the bed.

He got up, put his clothes back on, and left. Tori didn't even attempt to stop him. As soon as he was gone, I rushed to the windows and closed the curtains. I shut all the doors and turned the water on in the bathroom.

"What is it?" Tori asked with a heavily confused expression as she pulled a sheet tight around her.

Staring at her, wanting to tell her, I suddenly realized that I couldn't. Not yet. "Sorry." I told her and left the room.

Rushing to my room, I slammed the door, locking it and doing the same to mine that I had just done to Tori's. My mind was swimming with the information. I had heard whispers but I hadn't taken them seriously. After years of listening to Tori I was still skeptical about the dangers against the Divergent. Now I knew that it was all true. All the fears that Tori had for me were completely justified. What happened to Georgie must be true and now I knew that I, and everyone like me, was in trouble. I was still pacing when there was knocking on the balcony doors. Rushing to them, I opened the curtains to see Four. Opening them, he swiftly took me in his arms.

"You know?" I asked.

"I saw you in the hallway right before Max and Eric appeared." He replied. Burying my face in his neck, I finally let go, letting him comfort me. "What did they say?"

"They're after the Divergent."

He nodded, "But you already knew that."

"I didn't realize Eric was as involved as he was. And that it was Jeanine who got him his position amongst the leaders. Did you?" He nodded. "What else aren't you telling me?"

"You're a beautiful woman." He smirked.

"Stop." I told him, gently shoving him despite the smirk on my lips.

"You know as much as I do. They're looking for us and everyone like us. Why do you think I've been so hard on you since your initiation? Or why Tori has been to adamant on you keeping a low profile."

"I know." I nodded. "To protect me."

"Exactly." He nodded. "Don't let this get to you. Just keep doing what you always do. Minimize your use of the Fear Landscape and don't talk about any simulations with anyone else. Those are what give us away. Remember that."

"I will. I do." I told him.

"Then you have nothing to worry about." He smiled.

Meeting his eyes, deep set and brooding, I took a deep steadying breath before nodding. "Plus I've got you."

"Yeah, you do." He said and pressed a kiss against my forehead before pulling me against him. "Is this a bad time to ask what the hell happened to you?"

Sighing, grumbling a little, I leaned away from him. "Another fight with Eric."

"Opie." He frowned.

"I'm sorry, okay?" I frowned back. "I was training all by myself when he came and told me to face him. We went at it."

"Did you at least win?"

"More or less. Though one might call it a draw. Though I was the last to land a hit before Max interrupted us and took him away."

"And what did you do with Henry?"

"I ended it."

"Good girl."

Nodding, I shrugged, "He didn't take it well but it's done."

"He'll be over it and back to his normal self tomorrow."

Just looking at him a moment, I smiled, "Thank you, Tobias."

He nodded, knowing I only used his real name when I really meant what I was saying. "Anytime." He smiled running his hand down the side of my head. "You smell like liquor."

"Wanna go get more? Now that I've been on a bit of a high I could totally use a drink."

He grinned at me, "Let's go."

Walking down to the Pit, Four disappeared only to reappear with a full bottle of tequila. My favorite. He bowed before handing me the bottle. Laughing, I shook my head at him, taking it and poured a mouthful down my throat. The music was playing and soon his hand moved to my hip as I swayed back and forth, my arm draped across his shoulder.

It was nearly the middle of the night when I finally found myself in bed, and I wasn't alone. Though I was thankful that it was completely unromantic. Falling asleep quickly, it felt like I had just closed my eyes when I was being gently shaken awake.

"It's time." Four told me.

Groaning, I rolled over, wiping the dried saliva from the corner of my mouth. "I'm not ready yet."

"Two nights in a row." Four grinned. "You might want to take it easy for a while."

"God I love tequila." I stated as I sat up, forcing myself onto my feet before making my way to the bathroom. Looking at my reflection, I knew it was going to be a long day. "Jesus." My eyes had dark circles moving around them. The cut across my cheek was red with bruising spreading out from it. My jaw was bruised. Slowly stripping, my ribs were bruised, my knee was bruised, my shoulder was bruised with abrasions along its curve. The majority of my knuckles on both hands were broken open, red moving between my fingers.

"I'm headed to my own shower. See you at breakfast." He told me.

"If I don't die in the shower." I called to him.

"I'll see you at breakfast!" He called back before I heard the door close.

Taking a long shower, letting the water help loosen my muscles, I was regretting all the alcohol. With a towel wrapped around me, I grabbed the tequila bottle from the desk, taking the final shot out of it to take the edge off of the hangover. Forcing myself into clothes, I slowly made my way to the Pit and into the dining area. Four was sitting with his head against his fist. Dropping into the bench next to him, I put my head in my hands, running my fingers through my hair before I looked at him.

"Good thing you don't look like shit." I smirked at him.

"Not like you." He replied with a raised brow.

Laughing, I nodded at him. I really did look like shit. Doing a double-take, I was happy that I wasn't the only one. Eric looked just as much like shit as I did. He wasn't as raccoon-like as I was but I still took pleasure in his injuries.

"Hey." Henry said sitting across from me, breaking me from staring at Eric.

"Hey." I smiled at him. "How are you?"

"I'm good." He smiled. "Sorry about yesterday."

"Don't be." I told him. "I deserve it."

He looked at me up and down, a frown crossing his face, "No, I think you've already got what you deserve."

Laughing, I took his hand, squeezing it tightly. "Love you." I whispered to him.

"Love you too." He smiled.

Talking like we always did, it took away the majority of my guilt knowing that he wasn't mad at me. After breakfast I went to the parlor where Tori was already there and waiting. I smiled at her, starting to get ready for the day. For several minutes she didn't say anything, giving me the illusion that she wasn't going to say anything. But it really was just an illusion.

"So, are you going to tell me what that was about last night?" Tori asked.

"Are you going to tell me who the guy was?" I countered.

She grinned at me, "Hell, I don't even know his name." Laughing, I shook my head at her. "Well?"

Having already come up with a story, I leaned against the counter and faced her. "I tried to get back with Henry, it didn't work out. I felt super guilty and thought I wanted to talk about it. But I don't. He's not mad at me so it's okay."

She nodded and looked at me. "I know that that's the truth but that's not the reason you came to see me." I frowned at her. "You were scared, Pen. And unless Henry is beating you, you're not afraid of him or anything that happens with him." I just looked at her. "Just tell me what happened."

Going to the back of the parlor, she followed. Keeping my voice low, I told her what I had heard and what Four had said. The look on her face went from supportive of what I had to say to full blown pissed off with a hint of fear. George had been killed for being Divergent and now they were at it again. Only they were actively looking for them now. For me and all those like me.

"I don't know what to do." I told her.

"Do what Four says. Keeping doing what you're doing and no one will find out." She replied. "I'll keep my eyes and ears open and I'll warn you if I hear anything."

"I wasn't supposed to be in that hallway. I shouldn't have heard anything."

"It's a good thing you did, since they're looking for you." Nodding, I didn't feel any better about the situation.

Spending the remainder of the day in the parlor, Tori went and grabbed us lunch while I finished the tattoo I was working on. Yet another Dauntless symbol going on yet another shoulder. I had done so many of them that I could probably do it with my eyes shut. It was boring. And I hated being bored.

"You get the next one." I told Tori as I grabbed my plate of food.

"It better not be another faction symbol."

"So I'm not the only one who's getting sick of them?" I smirked at her.

"Let it be some sort of elaborate tiger or give me a dragon breathing fire. Give me anything but another abstract shape and faction symbols."

"You're not bitter at all." I said tossing a green bean at her. She caught it, eating it as she grinned at me. Mizer showed up then, getting his piercing gun ready. He did amazing work, just not so much with a tattoo gun. Or anything else for that matter. "You're late."

"Who gives a shit?"

I furrowed my brows when the scent of him hit me. "And you reek of alcohol."

"I had fun last night." He replied with a mischievous smile on his face.

Hearing the painful cry of a few people wanting things pierced that shouldn't be, I swiftly lost my appetite, throwing away half my lunch as I thought of what the guy behind the door next to me had just gone through. He had asked me for a tattoo on his penis and I had to draw the line at that. Bud could do all the tattoos he wanted down there but I refused. Even if you were a woman, there was still no way in hell that I would do it. The raven I had was as low as I would go. For myself or anyone.

When the day started to wind down, Bud and Mizer left early with a bottle in their hands. I couldn't help but shake my head. They were crazy. After two nights of drinking I was going to be good for a long while. Drinking an enormous amount of water, I attempted to flush my system, hoping that by tomorrow I'd feel normal again. Even though drinking would dull the pain that my body was feeling. Yet, I couldn't deny the sense of pleasure it gave me. Every time I moved I'd remember his touch, even if it was out of anger and disgust.

Tori had gotten her wish, tattooing an elaborate skull with blood red flowers sprouting from it. She did a beautiful job. I had watched her for a while before going into the back and pulling out my sketchbook, now that Tori had finally returned it. Sitting on the spare bed, I bent my knee of one leg, stretching it out in front of me, while the other dangled over the edge. Gently swinging it, I delved into the drawings I had already done, using them as inspiration as I started new ones. Even the slightest alteration made it prefect for whoever was requesting it. When Tori left, the parlor grew quiet, which was just the way I liked it. I could tune out anything, but the quiet was nice.

Hearing steps, I looked up to see Eric, a frown on his face. "Hey." I said with surprise. He was carrying a plate, which he set down in front of me. "What's this?" I asked with a smile. "Bringing me dinner after I kicked your ass yesterday?"

"Because you look so much better." He replied with a soft tone as he bent his leg, sitting on the end of the bed.

I picked up the plate and he picked up my sketchbook, starting to finger through them. I couldn't deny that I was starving, which was obvious as I devoured the burger and fries he had brought. There was even a piece of chocolate cake. "Thank you." I told him. He nodded. "Though you probably shouldn't be here. People will talk." He nodded again. Taking him in, he looked like something was bothering him. Frustration over not finding any Divergent? Frustration with me for refusing him? Both? "Are you okay?"

He looked at me, a heavy frown on his face. "Why are you talking to me like we're friends or something? We just beat the shit out of each other and now you're acting like it was no big deal."

"Then why the hell are you bringing me dinner?" I shot back at him, my temper flaring. "Why the fuck would you even speak to me? You never talk to me. You never bring me food. All you do is give me mixed signals and then go do whatever horrible thing you've been told to do. What's next? You've already committed murder."

"That was an accident and I told you that!" He yelled at me, getting to his feet.

"What are you doing here, Eric?" I asked him attempting to calm down.

"I don't know!" He yelled back at me.

"Hey." I said running my fingers through my hair before gripping his fingers. "Calm down. I'm sorry."

"Do you ever think before you speak?" He frowned down at me, though his fingers moved around mine.

"Sometimes." I told him. He shook his head, but a small smile was on his lips. God I wanted to touch them. Moving the empty plate, I pulled him down next to me. He mirrored me so we were facing each other. Taking his hand in mine, he let out a long sigh, my sketchbook still in his other hand. "And it's weird not talking to you like I know you. Because despite everything, I probably know more about you than most around here. Which is barely anything."

"I know nothing about you." He told me.

"You know I'm a good artist." I smiled at him.

"Yeah." He nodded, finally releasing my sketches.

"You know I'm from Amity. You know I'm hot and sexy. I mean, you have seen me naked."

"Stop." He frowned.

"Stop what?" I asked. "Talking to you?"

He met my eyes. "I don't need to know anything about you. It'll just make anything that happens harder if I think of you as a friend or a..." He said but trailed off.

"Or what? A lover?" I smiled at him. He just furrowed his brows. "I know you're supposed to be the devil and I'm supposed to hate you. But you can trust me. If there is one person here that you can be yourself with. I can be that person."

"Why?" He asked.

Thinking a moment, I had no idea why I had just said that. He was the bad guy. But hadn't I wanted him to be the good guy? He can change, right? I could help him. "I don't know." I told him honestly. "Maybe because everyone else hates you so much that I want to see the good in you."

"What good?" He glared.

"If that's what you believe, you've been listening to the wrong people." I told him.

"Careful. Your Amity is showing." He smirked at me.

"And your Erudite shows all the time." I smirked back.

He smiled, meeting my eyes before it fell. "It's been a long time since I've talked to anyone like this."

"I believe that." I nodded at him.

"Are you capable of this?"

"Of what?" I frowned.

"Talking like this, then beating the shit out of each other, and then antagonizing each other till we hate each other, but not sleeping with each other?"

Playing with his fingers, I took a deep breath, "I am more than capable." I told him. "I'd say we should just be friends but I know that that would mean hell for both of us."

"At least when we were sleeping together we weren't fighting each other."

"No, we weren't." I agreed.

"But I'm no good for you." He stated.

"I know." I told him. "Believe me, I know. Everyone is very clear on that."

"Everyone?" He frowned.

Feeling heat rise to my cheeks, "Well, I may talk about you from time to time. And they think I have a death wish for fighting with you. But I'm learning something to."

"How to get hit?" He smirked.

"Hey, you don't look any better than I do. And we are both number two."

He nodded, smiling. "Claude is a beast."

"Yes she is. And she is just plain mean with a blade."

"Is that where this came from?" He asked, brushing his fingers against the scar on my collarbone. "And the one between your breasts?" He added, his fingers trailing down my skin.

"Mm-hm." I replied, hoping he didn't feel the shudder that went through me at his touch. He noticed, smiling at me. "Stop it." I told him unable to stop the smile from crossing my face. "How can you be so sweet one minute and then piss me off so bad I want to beat your ass the next?"

"It's part of my charm." He smiled.

"What charm?" I smiled and laughed as he gripped my sides. He leaned in, moving to kiss me but at the last moment thought better of it, leaning away. "Seriously?" I said tilting my head to the side. Though it was then that I remembered Max's words. Sighing, I put my hand against his face, leaning up and pressing a long kiss against his forehead. "It's probably for the best." He nodded. "Then stop teasing me."

He laughed lightly, bringing my hand to his lips and placing a kiss against the palm of it. "Okay."

"Because I wanted to kill you after the last time we were back here together." I admitted to him.

"And you say I have no charm."

"I'm defective." I told him and laughed.

"You must be for being with me." He smiled. Laughing again, I continued to play with his fingers. "I should go."

"Probably." I told him, studying his hands, running my fingers over every inch of them. "You have nice hands."

"So do you." He said pressing a kiss against them before he stood. "I'll see you around, Pen."

"Eric." I said sighing, not wanting him to go.

He leaned down, pressing a kiss against my forehead. Watching him walk away, I took in his formed ass, laughing at myself when he was out of sight. Grabbing my sketchbook, I made my way to my apartment, thoroughly happy.


	7. Problems

Over the next few days, I felt pretty damn happy and it was all because of Eric. Not that I could admit to that, so when people asked, I just shrugged and told them 'just because'. Claude and Tori knew something was up and I think I made Henry feel bad since I'd just re-dumped him, but I didn't care. They could be suspicious or down about it but it wasn't going to stop me from being happy.

"Seriously, Pen. You haven't stopped smiling and it's starting to freak me out." Claude said eating an apple as she watched me put together packs in the infirmary.

"Why can't I be happy?" I asked her. "It's better than being depressed or angry all the time."

"I'm neither of those things and am still not as happy as you." She stated.

"No, you're just desperate to find a fuck buddy that will do whatever you want." I replied with a raised brow. She just glared at me, telling me I was right. Laughing, I shook my head at her, "The newbie's will be arriving soon."

"I know." She nodded. "It just sucks is all."

"I'm sure you haven't met everyone in Dauntless. You might get lucky with someone who's already here."

"I want fresh meat." She stated, holding an invisible steak.

Laughing again, I finished the packs and moved on to the bedding. Claude got bored and left to find something more entertaining to do. Sorting, folding, and putting everything away. It had been a slow week in both the parlor and the infirmary. Mizer had been pretty busy and Bud was helping, but taking a step back was healthy every once in a while. And I was in the mood for real blood. My own injuries had more or less resolved themselves, with only minor rib pain and still the visible bruise or two.

"Incoming!" Simmy said running toward the entrance.

Quickly putting aside what I was doing, I was just in time to see two Dauntless holding onto another who was thrashing in between them. He was huge, bald, muscled, and bleeding. Max and Eric were following behind them. For a moment my stomach fluttered but then I focused on the task at hand.

"Far bed." I told them, wanting him far enough away from anyone else who showed up. "Simmy, get a tranquilizer."

"Don't you fucking touch me you little cunt!" The man bellowed at me.

"Shut your fucking mouth and lay the fuck down!" I bellowed right back at him. He did, though the men who brought him in still stood next to him, ready to grab him again if they needed to. Starting to look him over, he had several lacerations to his face and arms, most actively bleeding. "Simmy!" I called.

"I'm coming!" She replied, swiftly taking his arm.

She was about to administer it when he started to thrash again. "Get the fuck away from me!"

"What's his problem?" I asked one of the guys who now had a hold of him again. The wounded knocked one of his restrainers away, giving me no choice but to grab him. Looking at Max and Eric, they were just watching. "A little help here?" I shot at them. Max stepped forward, pushing down on the man's shoulder while Eric just stood there looking anxious. "Eric!" I yelled at him. He looked like he was about to move forward when the man used whatever energy he had left and flew up and off the table, taking me to the ground with him. His fist found my face, re-splitting it, while his knee dug into my stomach painfully. "Eric!" The man was forced off of me by the two others and Max. Getting to my feet, I glared at Eric, only in the next second I was hit so hard, I was out before I hit the floor.

Waking to a throbbing headache, I was still in the infirmary. Quickly sitting up, ignoring the pain in my head, I looked around. The man was strapped to a bed down the way. He looked like he was out for now. Putting my feet over the edge of the bed, I stood, slowly making my way to the nursing station. Simmy was there with her head on her hands, sleeping with a concerned look on her face.

"Hey." I said softly nudging her. She flew back with wide eyes. "Sorry." I told her. "I didn't mean to startle you."

"Pen." She said quickly standing.

"You're fine." I smiled at her.

"Are you okay?" She asked. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine. Just a headache and nothing I can't handle."

She gave me a nervous look, "You haven't looked in the mirror yet have you?"

Frowning, I stepped in front of the one mirror we had in the infirmary. Sighing, I gently touched my left cheek. The cut was nicely stitched though nearly the entire side of my face was a red bruise. The corner of my right eyebrow was split and swollen as well. I must have hit the floor on that side since that was completely new.

"So what happened?" I asked.

"You went down like a fucking rock." She replied.

"After that." I stated with a raised brow.

"Sorry." She said quickly. "Eric grabbed you before the asshole over there could fall on you. I finally managed to sedate him but since I couldn't get into a vein it took forever for him to finally calm down. I've been dosing him every few hours to keep him down."

"Eric?" I frowned. "The one who just stood there while it all happened?"

"He was reluctant to put you down." She told me with a smirk.

"Stop it." I shot at her. "If he had just helped it probably wouldn't have happened." She just smiled. "Simmy, whatever you're thinking forget about it. And if you even think about saying something to anyone about whatever it is you're thinking you better think again. Because if you do, you'll have to keep one eye over your shoulder because I'll be coming for you."

Some color drained from her face and she quickly nodded at me, "Okay."

"Good." I told her and left.

It was late, making the halls quiet as I slowly walked back to my apartment. Opening the door, there was a figure standing at the doors to the balcony. I wasn't in the mood to talk to him. I didn't want to hear his excuse. I had literally called out to him and he didn't even blink. I don't know what I had been expecting, but a stationary Eric wasn't one of them.

"What are you doing here?" I asked him.

"Pen." He said turning to me. I could hear the apology in his voice but he would never say it. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I got knocked out by some overly large man while you just stood there." I shot at him.

"What did you want me to do, Pen? Jump to your rescue?" He frowned back.

"I expected you to do something, Eric." I said moving toward him. "I needed help and Max did more than you. You just stood there."

"Max already thinks that I let you get to me. If I rushed to help you then I would have been proving him right and then it would be my ass."

"So watching me get punched out was your solution?" I asked angrily. "While this –" I said lifting up my shirt to show off the giant bruise the man's knee had left against my stomach, "-was happening?"

"See? This is what I was talking about!" He yelled at me. "One moment of normal conversation and you already think you have some sort of control over me!"

Laughing, I just shook my head at him. "I'm not stupid enough to think I can control anything you do. The most control I have over you is your access to my vagina. Which is completely off limits to you so that ends any power I may have over you." I told him before word vomit spilled from my mouth. "And would never allow myself to think you give a shit about me."

He stepped up to me, so close that his breath wafted over my face, the scent of him warm and masculine. He held my eyes for a long moment before he left, slamming the door behind him. My head throbbed even more than it did before. Taking a shower, I crawled into bed, frustrated and annoyed, hugging a pillow before shutting my eyes, attempting to fall asleep.

Come morning I was in more of a foul mood than I had been last night. My head still had a dull throb. It took all of two seconds for me to decide that I was not getting out of bed today. No one would miss me and one day wasn't enough to cause any trouble. Claude came to see me, laying with me for a while in silence. It was nice to know that she was there for me without have to say anything. The same couldn't be said for Henry. Claude told me I couldn't sulk forever, and I needed to get up and act like the Dauntless I was. Yeah, whatever.

"Everything okay?" Henry asked at dinner.

"Yeah, I'm just frustrated is all." I replied.

"Need a full body massage?" He grinned.

I was still a walking bruise. The very thought of them being touched made me want to cringe. Instead I managed to force a sweet smile for him, "No thanks, baby. But I appreciate the offer."

"I can't wait for the new initiates." Claude said slamming her plate next to me.

Having already gone over this with her, I let Henry take it on. "Sexually frustrated much?"

"I just need some fresh meat. Someone I can mold and make my own."

"You're such a control freak." Henry stated.

She shot him a glare, "So what if I am? At least I get the job done." He just shook his head. "You feeling okay?" She asked me.

"Yup." I stated flatly. "Just sick of feeling beat up when I'm trying to prepare for the newbie's. At this rate I won't be ready to teach."

"You will be. You're second in our group. Even though you're wounded, you're still ready. You kicked every Dauntless born ass during initiation and could easily do it now. And all your injuries will just solidify that they should think twice before messing with you."

"Train with me?" I asked.

"Of course." She said with a slightly raised voice. "Like I'd let you fail."

"I just need to get my head in the game."

"Are you sure you're ready?" She asked. "You've had a long night."

"I'm ready." I replied. "Plus I'm not going to let a punch to the face keep me down." Henry gave me a worried look, but I simply smiled and pressed a kiss against his cheek.

"Pen!"

"What now?" I frowned, looking to see Simmy running toward me. "I'm fine, Simmy." I frowned at her.

"No." She said with a hushed voice. "You need to come with me."

Seeing the seriousness on her face, I quickly stood, following her from the Dining Hall. Claude and Henry were right behind us as we made our way to the Chasm. A crowd had already formed, whispers moving through it.

"It's him." Simmy told me.

My head snapped to her. "Are you sure?"

"Him who?" Henry asked.

"I'm positive." Simmy replied.

"What happened?" I asked her.

She shook her head, "I don't know. All I know is that they found him dead in the Chasm. They have no idea who did it or if he did it himself."

Frowning, I had a hard time believing that he had committed suicide. There was only one person that would have done it. I should have felt some sort of relief or sentiment but I couldn't. All I felt was pissed off.

"Let's go." I told Claude.

"You still wanna train?" She frowned.

"Let's go." I repeated and rushed off.

I wasn't going to let this stop me. Now more than ever I needed to release some of my pent-up emotions. I wasn't a patient person and I was having a hard time not blurting out to Claude everything I'd done and heard. I knew she wouldn't approve of what I'd done with Eric and what I had overheard would send her into a frenzy. And yet I needed to talk to someone. Anyone. Though I knew I couldn't. I'd be ridiculed beyond belief and I was not interested in defending myself over something as personal as this. Not to mention I wasn't about to admit to being Divergent. Not to Claude. Not to anyone.

After several hours of training, Claude and I were both littered with cuts and bruises. We weren't afraid to land blows and as long as we didn't land too many head shots we'd survive. Despite how much we'd learned there was still plenty more. Something that was shown to us when Four appeared and started to help us out. Only his teaching fueled my frustrations. Panting, I glared at him, wiping the blood from my brow. When he came at me again, I ducked under his arm, spinning away from him, biding my time. He darted toward me, making me leap to the side, finding my footing before I gripped him, digging my knee into his side before pushing him to the floor. Letting him get up, he was now glaring at me. Attempting to land a punch, I leaned back, gripping his wrist, twisting him away from me as I punched him in the side of the head. He was dazed enough for me to punch his side, bringing his face down onto my bent knee before once again shoving him to the floor.

Panting, I paced away from him, letting him get to his feet, wiping the blood from his lip. He was frowning at me with a look of both anger and concern. "What?" I shot at him.

Then he was flying at me, his fist collided with my cheek, his other burying itself in my abdomen, then my ribs, feeling his knuckles dig into my opposite cheek as he backhanded me. Spinning to the floor, he kicked my abdomen, pushing the air from my lungs. Then he kicked my ribcage with enough force that I flipped, rolling out of the arena. Gasping for air, I recovered as quickly as I could, facing my mentor and friend. Everyone else just stared at us in silence. Part of me wanted to keep going, but every breath I took hurt and I knew that I couldn't take anymore. He had allowed me to get the upper hand and then I pissed him off. In just seconds he had beaten sense back into me and I was going to reap my rewards of it. Nodding at him, I started to move from the room, slowly and in a great deal of pain. I was nearly halfway to the infirmary when I needed to rest. Dipping into a dark hallway, I slid to the ground, my knees bent, letting my agony cross my face. I was alone for only a few minutes when there were steps. Looking up, I could make out Eric's profile. He sat down in front of me, his knees bent on either side of me. He didn't say anything. Feeling a wave of relief, I wrapped my arm around his knee, leaning against it. He shifted closer to me, pressing a kiss against my forehead.

"It was you, wasn't it?" I asked him. He didn't say anything. "Listen, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about last night and I'm sorry about what I said weeks ago. Okay? I'm sorry." He nodded at me. "Are you punishing me?"

"What?" He frowned.

"I mean, I did reject you for who you are but –"

"And I'm pretty sure I'm still me." He stated, interrupting me.

"There's been moments since then." He nodded. "Let me know you, Eric. Let me in." I retorted without realizing I was going to say it. "And even though I was pissed at first, I kind of adore you for what you did. I was more pissed at the fact that I was happy about what you did. No one's ever killed someone in my defense."

He raised a brow at me. "You're not developing feelings for me are you?"

"Of course not." I shot at him. At the same time my stomach dropped. "I miss your body and want it all the time. I will admit to that. I want the sex you give me. More than that I want your lips against mine." I whined. "And you depriving me of that is not doing you any favors either."

He laughed, running his fingers through my hair. "You're adorable when you're wounded."

I frowned at him, "Don't you go developing feelings for me now."

"Never." He stated but the tone of his voice made my stomach flip.

Gripping his shirt, not wanting to lean forward, I gently pulled on him, "Kiss me, Eric." His smile fell and he just looked at me. If he wanted me to ask, then I'd ask. I didn't care anymore. I needed his lips against mine. "Kiss me."

He gripped my thighs and pulled me toward him. Draping my legs over his, he leaned me against the other, his hand moving down my hair while the other moved to my face, his thumb running along my lips. "And if I don't?"

"Can you really say no to me?" I smirked at him, my arm wrapped around his shoulder, my other hand against his face.

He pressed his forehead against mine. He was so close to me and yet was still depriving me of what I wanted. Then he leaned away, meeting my eyes, "No."

Kissing me passionately, warmth filled me, running through every inch of me. Kissing him back, all my pain ebbed away and for a moment it was pure and undiluted bliss. I hadn't realized how addicted I was to his lips until he stopped letting me touch them. When we finally parted we were both breathing heavily, our foreheads once again touching.

"Thank you." I whispered.

He laughed, his other arm moving around me as he hugged me to his chest. "You're thanking me for kissing you?" Nodding, I smiled, kissing him again, gently sucking his lip to make the taste of his linger in my mouth. "I should be thanking you."

"For what?" I asked, trailing my fingers down his face.

"I don't know yet." He replied.

Smiling wider, I wrapped my arm around his neck, burying my face there. Taking a deep breath of him, he leaned his head against mine. Running my nails up and down his back, he relaxed, sighing lightly. He squeezed me tightly and an odd sensation filled me. Coughing once, I swallowed moister, making me lean away from him as a coughing fit ensued.

"Pen?" Eric said with a hint of worry, his hand on my back.

Taking deep breaths, I looked at the dark liquid in my hand. I knew what it was without needing light to tell me. "Eric." I said as panic started to seep in, shaking starting to take me over. Coughing again, I tried to take in air in between but they were more gasps than anything. "Can't." A gasp. "Breathe."

"Pen." He said putting his hand on my face as I tilted my head back to try and get air into my lungs.

In the next moment I was in his arms, coughing violently against his shoulder, still unable to take in enough air. Once we were out of the hall I could see the red sliding down his arm and over his shoulder. Attempting to grip him as he bolted down the hall, I was starting to lose consciousness. Finding a small moment of relief when air filled my lungs, I rested my head against his neck. His vice grip on me comforting and yet I could hear the fear in his breathing. I was unconscious before we got there.

When I woke it felt as if everything was coming on one thing at a time. It was slow and annoying. Not to mention there was an oxygen mask covering my nose and mouth. It was maddeningly uncomfortable. Slowly cracking my eyes open, the first person I saw was Four. Sitting in a chair, his elbows on his knees, wringing his hands against his mouth. Looking at me, he smiled, scooting the chair closer to me. Gently picking up my hand, he pressed a kiss against the top of it.

"I'm so sorry, Opie." He told me. "I didn't mean to hurt you this bad. I would never want to hurt you." Furrowing my brows, I shook my head at him, not able to find my voice. "I just was so pissed at you and I don't even know why. You were kicking my ass and then I just went too far. I didn't think you were hurt that bad." I just shrugged at him. "Then Simmy came flying down to the training room to tell me what happened." I nodded at him, taking a deep breath. "She said Eric brought you in." I nodded again. "He was covered in blood. Did he hurt you, Pen? Did he do something after you left?" I frowned and shook my head. "Don't lie to me." He frowned back. "If he touched you then you need to let me know. He's already been banned from the infirmary. You're safe. Just tell me what he did."

Pulling the mask from my face, I slowly lifted myself, propping myself up on my elbow. "He didn't do anything." I told him with a clear voice. It hurt, making me lay back down, putting the mask over my nose and mouth again.

He nodded, standing and leaning over me, pressing a kiss against my forehead. "Okay. Rest." Nodding, I still held tight to his hand as I drifted back to sleep.

When I woke next, I was graduated to a nasal cannula, propped up a little more than I had been before. Opening my eyes, I was now surrounded with people. Claude and Henry of course, Nathan and Simmy. Heather and her twin Hannah as well, they were a couple years older than us. They were all sleeping, making me wonder what time it was or how long they'd been holding vigil over me. Claude had my hand and I squeezed it to wake her up. She immediately stood, sitting on the edge of the bed to get closer to me. Draping my arm around her bent knee, I smiled at her.

"God damn you, Pen." She frowned at me.

I just smiled at her, "It wasn't my fault."

"Why did you have to push him so hard? He wouldn't have gotten pissed and put you in here. They were going to send you to the hospital until you started to perk up a bit."

"How long have I been out?"

"Three days." She replied. "Long enough for your breathing to regulate and then you finally got some color back. It was scary as shit. You were coughing up blood and for a while they thought we had another Neely on our hands."

"Is that why they banned Eric?" I asked.

"He wouldn't tell us what he did." She nodded.

"He didn't do anything." I frowned at her. "He found me, that's it."

"I don't believe you." She shot at me.

"Claude, seriously, Eric did not hurt me. If anything he saved me. It wasn't exactly a pleasant experience." I told her slowly. She shook her head, not wanting to believe me. "Underneath all that angst, he is still a human being."

"You're defending him now?" She shot at me.

"I'm not defending him." I told him. "I'm simply not going to let you blame him for something he didn't do. I'll be the first to call him out on all his crap. This just isn't one of them."

She nodded, sighing heavily, "Fine. But I don't like him any more just because he may or may not have saved your life."

Laughing, lightly, frowning when my chest hurt, I squeezed her hand. "I'm okay with that."

It was another two days before they even discussed me leaving. I had a fractured rib they were concerned about, and the many cuts and bruises made it look like I had been attacked. Only it was just a learning experience. Claude and Henry were constantly with me. Four showed up at least a few times a day, the others filtered in and out. It was nice that they cared. But there was only one person that I wanted to see and he wasn't allowed to set a foot in my vicinity. I wanted to thank him. To make sure he was all right. Though I don't know why he wouldn't be. He was Eric after all.

"Pen." Tori said late into the night.

"Where the hell have you been?" I shot at her with a smile.

"Been busy trying to catch up on the work load you left behind for me." She smiled, sitting on the edge of the bed. "I heard it got scary for a while."

"I guess." I sighed, taking her hand. "But I'm okay."

"Rumor has it Eric attacked you." She frowned.

"No." I retorted a little louder than was necessary. "He didn't hurt me. Why does everyone want to put all the blame on him? He saved me. I could have bled out in the hallway I was sitting in if he hadn't come."

"It's funny that you say that since you hated him for letting Neely bleed out." She said softly.

"And after this I can understand your point when you said he may not have known what he'd done." I replied. "Four would never hurt me. Not like this. But he did. It was an accident but it happened. So I have a better understanding of what Eric did to Neely. Or at least I think I do."

"Does it help?" She asked.

"Yeah." I nodded.

She looked at me a long moment, sighing, "He came by the parlor this morning."

"Just to say hi?" I smiled.

"He was asking about you." She went on. "He looked like he hadn't slept in days."

"What are you saying?" I frowned.

"What relationship do you have with him?" She retorted.

"Tori." I frowned.

"Just tell me." She said with a sad expression. "You know I can keep your secrets."

Nodding, I took a deep breath. "I've been sleeping with him for nearly two months now."

"Two months?" She frowned at me. "Why?"

"It started right after Neely was killed. I didn't want it but he made me feel things I never had before. It's just been sex. It's been purely physical. But there are moments when I fear it's becoming more." I confided in her. "I know who he is. I know it's wrong. But I care about him."

"Do you love him?" She asked.

"No." I told her. "No, Tori. I may love what he does to me, but I'm not in love with him."

"But you care about him."

"I really do." I nodded at her.

"And he cares about you." She stated.

"I think so." I frowned at her.

"You were with him when it happened."

Nodding, I sighed, "I was." She nodded, wrapping her head around everything I had just told her. "What did you tell him?"

"Nothing." She replied. "I wasn't going to tell him anything until I talked to you."

"So he still doesn't know that I'm okay?" I asked.

She shook her head, "I don't think so."

"I need to go." I told her, sitting up. It hurt but it was bearable.

"Pen." She frowned.

"They're letting me out in the morning anyway." I shrugged at her. "Just get me some clothes and I can take it from there." She just looked at me. "Please, Tori. I'm fine."

"I did not help you." She said pointing her finger at me before she disappeared.

Returning with clothes, she helped me into them, careful not put too much pressure against my ribs. Slowly pacing, I warmed up my muscles, feeling extremely achy and tired. As soon as I was ready, Tori led me from the infirmary, making sure no one was watching me. Not that it even mattered. They couldn't keep me there even if they wanted to. I'd find a way to escape no matter what they did. Since it was so late, the halls were empty, making it easy to move through them without worry. As soon as we were near Eric's apartment, Tori stopped and turned to me.

"I hope you know what you're doing." She stated.

"Me too." I smiled hugging her tightly.

Watching her leave, I slowly made my way to his door, having to use the wall to steady me every few steps. The door was unlocked, so I let myself inside. There wasn't a lot of light, but enough to see by. This was the first time I'd been in his home. Taking it in, I couldn't help the smile that crossed my face. The sheets and comforter were black. The walls were such a dark blue that it was nearly black. But he had nice lamps that added much needed light to the room. One of them was on as he sat at his desk. There was also a small table with two chairs. There was more round the corner and I could only assume that it was a bathroom. He also had a nice balcony. The several windows would give ample light during the day. With the sun down, the lamp made all the difference. Running my fingers along the end of the bed, my eyes returned to Eric, his head resting on his arms that were folded on top of the desk. Slowly moving to him, I ran my nails up and down his back, pressing a long kiss against his neck. When he didn't wake, I stepped around him, kneeling down so I could see his face. He looked exhausted even in sleep. Gently running my fingers through his hair, I leaned in, kissing him sweetly. He slowly opened his eyes, meeting mine as his brows furrowed.

"Hey." I smiled at him. Then I was in his arms as he swiftly moved to his knees in front of me. "Careful." I told him, making him falter. He leaned away from me, taking my head in his hands and staring at me. "I'm okay." I told him.

His brows furrowed and he pressed his forehead against mine, taking a deep breath. Then he kissed me, slow and deep. Wrapping my arms around him, I moved as close to him as I could get, kissing him repeatedly. He gently ran his hands up and down my back, his lips never leaving mine.

"Thank you." I whispered to him.

He just laughed and kissed me again. "Shut up." Using his arms and shoulders, I slowly got to my feet, making my way to the door. "Where are you going?"

"I wanted to see you." I smiled at him. "Now I have."

"Pen." He said stepping toward me.

"Eric." I grinned, putting my hand on the doorknob.

He frowned, sighing heavily, "Don't make me say it."

"Say what?" I asked, tilting my head.

He scoffed at me, "Just go." He said with annoyance.

Laughing lightly, I slipped out of his room, making my way to my own. It was slow going but I managed to make it without too much trouble. No one was around so it didn't bother me to take my time, stopping as often as necessary. Going to my bathroom, the first thing I did was brush my teeth, wondering how the hell Eric could stand kissing me when I hadn't brushed my teeth in days. I was a bit OCD about brushing my teeth. Which didn't bother me. After my teeth were clean, I made sure to clean the rest of me, enjoying a nice hot shower. Putting on a pair of sweats for bed, I discovered one of Eric's shirts that he must have forgotten at some point. Picking it up, it still smelled like him. Taking a deep breath of it, I put it on, bringing the fabric to my face to smell it again. I was about to crawl into bed when there was soft tapping against my door. Unlocking it, I opened it to see Eric.

"What are you doing here?" I smirked at him.

"I wanted to see you." He replied. Opening it wider, he stepped inside, closing the door and relocking it. Turning to me, his hands found my face as he smiled softly at me. "Hey."

Laughing, I wrapped my arms around his neck, bringing myself onto my toes so I could kiss him as deeply as I wanted. Dropping back down, I kept his hand, leading him to the bed. He crawled onto it first, opening his arm to me. Lying on my good side, I pressed myself against his, and rested my head against his chest. He gently ran his fingers through my hair, pressing the occasional kiss against my forehead.

"Okay." He told me.

"Okay?" I replied.

"I was worried." He stated.

Smiling, I kissed his chest, "I thought as much."

"I thought of that girl and..."

"And?" I asked, shifting away from him so I could meet his eyes.

He rolled over, his hand moving up and down my side. "And she died."

Smiling at him affectionately, I kissed him, "I'm tough, Eric. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon."

He nodded, sighing as he averted his eyes from mine. "But there was a moment."

"Baby, I'm fine." I told him, making him meet my eyes. "And what happened was your fault." I teased, getting a frown from him. "I was so frustrated with you that I pushed Four too hard and this is what happened."

"I think you have that backwards. If you had just kept your mouth shut I wouldn't have been so frustrated with you and this never would have happened." He retorted.

"And if you had just kissed me properly instead of withholding those perfect lips from me it also would never have happened." I countered.

"I don't understand you." He frowned at me.

Smiling, I kissed him, gently biting his bottom lip. "Maybe that's the point."

"Well stop it." He said putting his hand against my face.

"Never." I smirked at him.

"Just when I think I've discovered something about you, you do something and I no longer have any idea who you are."

"You wanna know what helps?" I smiled. "Asking me."

"We don't talk, Pen. We have sex and we part ways." He stated.

"I'm too sore and tired to have sex with you right now. Otherwise you'd already be inside of me." I told him, kissing him as I played with his fingers. He did the same, watching our fingers slide back and forth across each other while I stared at his face. "Eric?" I said wanting to say more but I didn't know what to say that didn't sound ridiculous in my mind.

"Hm." He replied still watching our fingers. When I didn't say anything, he laced his fingers with mine, bringing my hand against his chest before meeting my eyes. He must have seen something there. "What is it?" He asked.

"Nothing." I replied, averting my eyes.

He pressed a kiss to my forehead, before kissing me deeply. "I'm glad you're okay." He told me.

"And I'm glad you're here." I replied, knowing it was true but also knowing that I shouldn't care for him as much as I did. "Tell me something that no one else knows."

"I am allergic to peanuts." He told me.

Smiling, I shook my head. "Why did you transfer?"

He lowered his eyes, once again playing with my fingers. "Because I didn't belong in Erudite. I'm too bold and have too short a temper. And I never thought I was smart enough to be in Erudite. Something those around me weren't afraid to agree with. I'm a better Dauntless." He replied. "What about you?"

"I'm not kind enough to be in Amity. And I too share your short temper." I smirked at him. "I can forgive, but that was the only attribute I had that made me fit in Amity. Everything else just screamed Dauntless to me."

"You can forgive?" He said meeting my eyes.

"I forgave you." I replied.

"I don't deserve your forgiveness."

"It's mine to give."

He kissed me, not meeting my eyes again. "Were you close to your family?"

"Very." I replied. "Leaving them was the hardest thing I've ever done. My two sisters both remained in Amity. I'm the youngest and I chose to leave. They were devastated. But I had to make the right decision for me. Not for them." He nodded. "What about you?"

"No. We were never close." He replied letting go of my hand.

Quickly taking it again, I pressed it against my chest. "That's probably for the best since you left them. Faction before blood, right?"

He met my eyes, "Right."

"How about something easy." I smiled. "Do you like the tattoos I've given you?"

He ran his hand along the raven, a fond look crossing his face. "Yeah, I do." He replied. "But you could tattoo a dragonfly on me and I'd love it the same."

I grinned at him mischievously, "Are these the no feelings coming out?"

"Stop." He smirked. "You are an amazing artist. Even I can't argue about that."

"I guess that would be the Amity in me as well." I stated.

"Your work is flawless. I don't know how anyone goes to anyone else when you're in the parlor."

Smiling, I ran my hand down his face before kissing him deeply. "You don't need to flatter me, Eric."

"I'm just telling you what I think."

"Then there is far more going through that thick head of yours than I thought."

"I'm not what I seem." He told me with a sad edge.

"Then show me who you are." I replied. "I want to know you, Eric. I want to see who you truly are."

"No you don't." He frowned. "I may not be what I seem but that doesn't make me a good person. You're a good person, Pen. If I had the strength to stay away from you I wouldn't be here right now."

It felt as if I had fallen downhill. I felt dizzy and yet things had never been more clear. "I'm afraid I may be developing feelings for you." I told him.

"Then stop it." He stated with seriousness. "No good will come from you feeling for me."

"If you don't feel for me then what are you doing here?"

"Feeling for you is me bettering myself. You feeling for me will just taint you." He moved to get out of bed.

"No." I told him, gripping his arm. "Stay."

"Pen." He frowned down at me.

"I won't say anything else." I stated. "Just stay with me. I feel safer when you're here." I whispered to him.

"Don't tell me that." He whispered back.

"I won't lie to you." I told him.

"This whole talking this sucks." He stated as he laid back down. "When you're better we're going right back to having sex and that's it."

Smiling, I ran my hand back and forth across his chest, tilting my head back so I could meet his eyes. "You go ahead and try."

"I'm a stubborn ass. I'll be just fine." He frowned.

"Oh, I know." I replied, laughing, stopping as my lungs screamed their displeasure.

"Pen?" He said freezing.

Sighing, I nestled against his side again. "I'm okay."

"Jesus, Pen." He said angrily.

I could hear his heart start to race. "Those non-feelings are pretty powerful." I told him softly, wanting to laugh but not wanting to feel the pain of it.

"I hate you." He stated, his grip on me tightening.

"I know. I hate you too." I replied sweetly.

Keeping my word, we were quiet as he held me in his arms, falling asleep knowing that we had taken a step in an unwanted direction and yet it seemed as if we couldn't turn from each other. He was so unexpected and yet fascinating and addicting and…more than I had ever expected him to be.

Waking to liquid in my mouth, I sat up, taking slow deep breaths, wiping the blood from my mouth. I was okay. It was normal. I knew it was. Not only that but they told me it could happen a few times yet before I fully healed. Looking at Eric, he was still sleeping, making me get out of bed carefully so I wouldn't wake him. Going to the bathroom, I spit the blood into the sink. It had already stopped. Rinsing out my mouth, I gripped the sides of the sink, continuing to take slow deep breaths. My lungs didn't protest so I knew I was on the mend. Sitting on the seat of the toilet, I swallowed, making sure the blood was done. This sucked. But I was tough. This wasn't going to slow me down for long.

"Pen?" I heard Eric in the other room. "Baby?"

"I'm in here." I called to him.

"Pen!" He yelled, now with panic in his voice, rushing into view.

"I'm fine." I told him, feeling drained and exhausted.

"Jesus, baby." He said kneeling in front of me, his hands running up and down my thighs.

Putting my hand on his face, I put my forehead against his. "Just breathe, baby." I smiled at him. "Don't let those non-feelings get the best of you."

"Shut up." He said and kissed me deeply. Smiling at him, I stared into his eyes. He stared back for a long moment before he took his hands from me, standing. "I have to go."

"Eric." I frowned.

He didn't even look over his shoulder as he left me sitting there. Hearing the door slam, I stood and walked out into the other room. The light was on, and I saw red on the bed sheets. He cared more about me than either of us were willing to admit. It made me feel amazing and yet terrified. I shouldn't care for him as much as I did. Nothing good would come of it. If he knew who I was – _what_ I was – he would never look at me the same. I'd lose him because of something I couldn't control. But I didn't really have him now. We were just fooling around. Feelings may be developing but for all I knew he was coming to his senses. This was all far too complicated. If I was smart I would leave him the hell alone and ask for the same in return. Though I wasn't sure how probable that was since all I wanted was for him to be here.

This was all screwed up.


	8. Balance

Unable to sleep anymore, I took another shower, getting dressed before going to the parlor. Spending the remainder of the night deep cleaning it before preparing for the next day. I wasn't about to lay in bed and feel sorry for myself and confused about the relationship I was forming with one of the most feared and hated Dauntless among us. One that was becoming something I never thought possible. One I shouldn't want and needed to stop thinking about.

"What are you doing here?" Tori asked, shuffling her feet as she walked in. It was still early and she looked a little disheveled.

"I couldn't sleep."

"Boyfriend problems?"

"If I had a boyfriend." I replied with annoyance.

She sighed, "Not that I care, but what happened?"

"He's very complicated." I replied. "Just when I think I've started to melt that frozen heart of his, he suddenly leaves without any explanation."

"He cares about you." She stated.

"And it scares the shit out of him." I replied. "I have a feeling we're going to be taking a giant leap back here."

She nodded, clearly about to say something I wouldn't be happy with. "Maybe it's for the best."

Sighing, I nodded back at her, "Maybe it is."

"Really?" She countered with a nervous frown.

"He's Eric." I shrugged.

"Remember, he's the bad guy." She stated.

Sitting on a stool, I spun to face her. "Not with me." I told her. "With me he's sweet and caring and gentle."

"Gentle?" She asked with a raised brow.

I felt a blush rise in my cheeks, "When he wants to be."

She laughed. "I don't approve, Pen. I really, really don't."

"You don't have to." I stated. "But I'm going to be with him for as long as he'll have me. We'll fight constantly but he is a better man than we give him credit for."

"I'll believe it when I see it." She sighed.

Though it would be a long time coming to show her how he could be. I hadn't seen more than a passing glance of him for nearly a week. And even then, when we were face to face, he treated me as any other Dauntless. He was so frustrating I couldn't stand it. I didn't understand how he could turn it on and off so quickly.

"You shouldn't be here." Four told me as I entered the training room, ready to get back to work.

"I'm healed." I told him. He just looked at me. "I'll start off slow."

"You have three weeks to prepare for the initiates." He said pointing a finger at me. "You need to be ready to help me. So heal before you get too deep into it."

I nodded, "I will. Just let me hit something."

"No." He said leading me to the targets and the table of knives. "Throw if you must. Go to the roof and shoot. But nothing physical until I clear you for it."

"You caused it." I shot at him, frowning.

"Don't get snippy with me, Opie. I'm still higher ranked than even you." He told me matter-of-factly. "And don't try and change my mind because I feel guilty about what happened. It won't happen."

"Fine." I pouted, going to the table and picking up a knife. Flipping it in my hand, I threw it. It hit the center of the mark but more pain accompanied it then I had anticipated.

"See?" Four frowned at me.

"I just need to move." I told him.

He took the knife I had picked up, putting it down before taking my hands in his. "Then go for a walk. Get your muscles moving again but you're not ready for this. Find Claude or Henry. They'll keep an eye on you."

Nodding at him, I left the room, feeling useless. Though I knew if I had to I could still fight, throw, or shoot my way out of anything.

Deciding that I did not want to walk, or be with my friends for that matter, I went to the infirmary. There was always something that needed to be done there. Walking in, I was met with smiling faces, the occasional welcome back, before I was handed paperwork and bombarded with questions. Before me, no one stuck around long enough to make procedures and then to follow them. I had created a system off the work of my predecessors but I had still managed to stick around longer than all of them. They all had the right idea; they simply didn't like the slowness of the work. As Dauntless we thrived on hard work but we also liked instant gratification and this was anything but that.

"It's about damn time you showed your face here." Simmy smiled. I just smiled back at her. "How you holding up?"

"I'm good." I told her, knowing I couldn't tell her the truth, smiling at her.

"What?" She asked.

"Nothing." I told her. "Just missed you is all."

"If you showed up every once in a while you wouldn't have to." She stated. "Besides, you slipped out of here without telling anyone and then haven't been back since. You're lucky I don't tie you to a bed."

"It's been a week. I'm fine, Simmy." I stated.

"Any more blood?" She asked with concern.

"None."

"Pain?"

"None that I can't handle." I replied.

"Sit down." She said pointing to a bed.

"No." I shot at her. "I'm fine."

She met my eyes with a hard look, her tone telling me I was going to lose no matter what I said. "Sit the fuck down."

"Fine." I said and obliged her.

She just grinned at me. "You've taught me well if the student can command the teacher."

Smiling, I shook my head. Spending several very uncomfortable minutes as she checked me out, asking me questions the entire time, she deduced that there was bruising on my lungs and diaphragm but I should be feeling better in just a matter of days. The only issue I would have would be the fractured rib. It was healing but it would still be a bit before it didn't bother me. She was very proud of herself despite the fact that I talked her through the whole thing.

Not allowing her to baby me, I made myself useful, cleaning and organizing between the few people that filtered in and out. I felt horrible for one girl who had her front teeth knocked out during a fight. She was devastated and I couldn't blame her. It sucked that I couldn't do anything for her. We ended up shipping her to the city hospital, hoping they might be able to at least get her some fake ones so she didn't look like the Factionless. Not to mention, a toothless Dauntless wasn't very intimidating. Might as well send her on her way now.

"Hey, you hungry?" Tori asked leaning against the bed of the guy I was stitching.

"What's up?" He smirked at her.

I burst with laughter as Tori gave him a death glare. It shut him up. He'd already tried that on me and hadn't gotten much further than that. "Yeah." I finally told her, snipping the thread when I'd finished. "Starving actually."

"Good." She said nudging me. Cleaning up the station, I thoroughly washed my hands, joining her at the entrance. Walking across the way to the dining hall, I felt relaxed and happy. Something that hadn't crossed my mind for a while. "You look good."

"I feel good." I smiled at her. "Today was a good day."

"Not pining over Eric?" She grinned.

"Not today." I told her.

We were just sitting down when I noticed Eric on the opposite end. He was watching me with a very focused look on his face. Not reacting to him, I sat down, grabbing two burgers and a handful of fries, devouring it all within minutes. Tori seemed pleased by my appetite and I couldn't deny that it felt good to have one again. Eating one burger with just ketchup, I was happily sated. A few hours of drawing and a good night's sleep was in my future.

"You gonna be in tomorrow?" Tori asked as we walked from the hall.

"Of course." I nodded.

"Got anything new?"

"I'll probably work on some tonight."

"Bring it." She smiled before veering off.

Returning to my apartment, I took a hot shower before settling down on my bed with my sketchbook. Opening up to a blank page, I started to sketch Eric, I hadn't even thought about it but right now I couldn't deny that I missed him. Talking wasn't our strong suit but I missed his company. The sex was amazing and I could totally go for some of that, but I also missed just being near him. Soon his face appeared on several pages, relaxing me far more than I thought it would. Finally deciding to put them away so I could attempt to focus on something else, pulling the pencil from my hair, letting it fall over my shoulder. Putting the pencil between my teeth, I shook out my hair, humming to myself before my mind started to race with inspiration.

I was just about as deep in thought as one can get when there was a knock on the door. Looking at the clock it was almost eleven. Not that that was terribly late, but I wasn't expecting anyone. Sighing, I got up and went to the door, opening it to see Eric, blood dripping down his face.

"Jesus." I said gripping his hand as I opened the door wider. "What the hell?"

"I know I shouldn't have come here but I wasn't going to stay at the infirmary." He told me.

Taking him straight to the bathroom, I sat him down, running the water hot while I grabbed a towel. "What happened?"

"Nothing you need to worry about." He replied.

"Who said I was going to worry?" I frowned at him. He just smirked at me. "Fine. So what if I worry about you?" Cleaning his head, he flinched and his breathing was a little too labored for my liking. "Broken ribs?"

"Not exactly." He said looking at me with furrowed brows.

"Let me see." I told him.

"I'm okay." He stated.

Frowning, I gripped his jacket, attempting to pull it off when he gripped my hand. "Eric." Meeting my eyes, he sighed, knowing he wasn't going to stop me. Pushing his jacket off, I gripped the bottom of his shirt, gently pulling it off to reveal a stab wound. "Eric." I repeated with worry. "What the hell, babe?" I said kneeling so I could see it better. It was low and close to the edge. I didn't think it was even remotely life threatening, and judging by the pain it inflicted when I touched it, he was going to be okay. "Baby, tell me what happened."

"I lost my temper." He told me.

"Eric." I frowned at him

"Don't look at me like that. You're as even tempered as I am." He frowned back.

Sighing, I ran my fingers through my hair. "Do they know what damage they did?"

"No." He said shaking his head. "I sent them all to the infirmary but I played mine off as nothing. Just a little blood."

I had a bag of supplies for emergencies and this definitely qualified. Grabbing what I would need, I brought it back, seeing all the dirt and blood on his body. Setting it all down, I knelt and took off his shoes and socks, pulling off his pants and boxer-briefs, leaving him naked before me. He didn't say anything as I took his hands and pulled him toward the shower. Letting it grow hot, he stepped in. Doing the same, still in my clothes, I took a cloth and started to clean him. Gently rubbing circles against his skin, he shut his eyes, trailing his fingers down my arm. He gripped my shoulders tightly when I reached his wound, tilting his head back as he let out a small noise of pain. Pressing a kiss against his chest, I watched the red mix with water, it appeared to have nearly stopped bleeding, making some of my worry disappear. When I was done, I dried him off, feeling his eyes watching me, making a small smile cross my face. Putting antibiotic ointment against the wound, I took a large piece of gauze, taping it securely against his skin.

"You don't need stitches. It should heal just fine." I told him. "Just be sure you watch for any infection."

"Okay." He nodded.

Meeting his eyes, I ran my hands up and down his chest, "Okay."

He sighed, putting his hands on my arms, "This is a bad idea."

"I know." I agreed.

"We should end it now. I'm not good for you."

"I know."

"Is that all you're gonna say?" He frowned.

"Would you like me to anger you to make it easier?" I smirked at him.

"No." He said kissing my forehead. "I want to be able to look at you and smile."

"You're so sentimental." I said and laughed lightly.

Pulling me against him, I wrapped my arms around him, careful not to press against his wound. "It's been fun." He said leading me out into the main room. I handed him a clean set of clothes.

"It really has." I told him, stripping the wet clothes from my body and putting dry ones on.

He moved to me, kissing me deeply, his tongue parting my lips as he took my head in his hands. "See ya."

"Yeah." I smiled, more air than sound. I was going to miss that.

He turned to leave when he noticed all of my drawings. My eyes moved to the drawer that I had stored the ones of him in. But all the others were still littering the bed. My art touched every subject I could think off or had been asked to create. Some I were happy with, others still needed a lot of work before I would willingly put it permanently on someone's body. He started to pick them up, moving them around to see the ones underneath. Then he picked up my sketchbook, turning through the pages, looking unblinkingly at my work.

"These are good." He told me, his expression telling me that he thought they were more than just good.

Smiling, I stepped up to him, "Thank you."

"Were you done?" He asked.

"No." I stated. "I'm pretty wired now so I'll probably put a few more hours in."

He met my eyes, a question in them. For a moment he just looked at me, deciding whether he should ask it or not. "Can I watch?"

Raising a brow at him, I nodded, "Yeah. If you'd like to."

He carefully sat on the bed, moving over and looking up at me. Sitting next to him, I pulled my book into my hands, opening up to what I had been doing. Playing with skulls tonight, I had a variety of different types and accessories. Personally, I was not into skulls, but I had a few ask for them and I wasn't about to disappoint. For a steady length of time, he watched, pressing against me, his chin resting on my shoulder. Normally I'd be annoyed with the distraction but in this moment it was wanted. Feeling him leaning harder, I paused just as his full weight fell against me. Jerking back, he ran his hand down his face.

"I should go." He told me.

"It's late, just sleep here." I replied. He met my eyes looking exhausted. "It's just sleep, Eric. I promise I won't do anything."

Putting his hand against my face, he kissed me slowly. Shifting, he pulled his pants and shirt off before he laid down, moving under the covers. As soon as he was comfortable he put his hand against my back. Not tired yet, I kept drawing, feeling his hand fall away from me as he fell asleep. Making soft noises, I looked at him, unable to keep a smile from my face as I took him in. When I couldn't fight sleep any longer, I put everything away, setting aside what I was going to bring with me to the parlor. Crawling back into bed I moved close to him, resting my head against his bicep as I nestled against his side, careful of his wound. Thinking I wouldn't be able to fall asleep with ease, I had barely finished the thought when sleep took me.

Waking, the room was oddly bright, making me frown. I was on my side, Eric pressed against my back, one arm underneath my head, the other draped across my side. Putting my arm over his, he was unusually cold. Shifting, there was a stickiness that I'd never felt before. Lifting my head, I realized that the sheets were soaked in blood. Red covering my side and arm, feeling it against my neck and face. Panic filled me, turning over as fast as I could. Eric lay on his side facing me, his face relaxed, his skin too pale. Rolling him onto his back, it looked like his side had split, all the blood he had drenching the sheets. All the while there had been no sound, but when I opened my mouth, a blood curdling scream ripped from my throat.

Shooting awake, finding myself too close to the edge, I tumbled to the floor. My legs were still on the bed, the sheet wrapped around me. Laying there, shaking, I was too afraid to move. Breathing rapidly, I stared at the edge of the bed, not wanting to see if it had been a nightmare or reality. The room was quiet and it appeared that I hadn't woken him. Taking my legs from the bed, I slowly moved to my knees, looking over the edge. He was still on his back, sleeping soundly. I could clearly see the rise and fall of his chest. Crawling back onto the bed, I moved the sheet to check his side. The bandage was dry with very minimal bleeding having come through. He was fine. Running my fingers through my hair, I sat facing him, bringing my knees up against my chest, resting my head on top of them as I put my hand against his chest. Staring at him, I realized that I was getting too close to him. I cared too much for him. He was right when he said that this was a bad idea. He wasn't good for me. But I was good for him. If I could help him become a better man, I could handle the bad in him. Hell, I wanted the bad in him. Watching him until I finally felt like I could sleep, I laid back down, keeping my hand on his chest.

When I woke next, his arm was around me, his fingers moving back and forth across my back. Opening my eyes, Eric smiled at me; the blueness of his was charming. "How'd you sleep?" I asked, putting my hand against his face.

"Better than I have in a long time." He replied pressing a kiss against my forehead. "You look like you could use a few more hours."

"Bad dream." I told him.

"About what?" He asked. Taking a deep breath, I shrugged. "Tell me."

Meeting his eyes, I leaned in, kissing him sweetly. "You died."

"What?" He frowned, laughing lightly.

"It's not funny." I frowned back at him.

"Sorry." He said attempting to relax his face.

"Stop." I frowned. "It wasn't exactly pleasant. Your side split open and you bled to death." I told him. "Speaking of which, how is your side?"

"It's fine." He said.

"Let me see."

"It's fine, Pen."

"Just let me see, Eric."

Taking my head in his hands, he kissed me long and deep, the warmth of him flowing over me. "I'm fine."

"Well, my subconscious thought otherwise." I smirked at him.

"Those feelings are acting up again." He frowned.

"Stupid feelings." I frowned back.

He smirked, kissing me again, "Very stupid feelings."

Resting my head against his chest, I was on the verge of falling asleep again, his fingers trailing up and down my back, when there was pounding on the door. Jumping, I looked at Eric before moving toward it. Opening it, Four was looking at me with a very dissatisfied expression.

"Hey." I frowned at him.

"Hey." He replied, seeing Eric sitting up behind me. "Seriously?"

"He just slept here." I explained. "Though as I've said before, it's none of your business."

"I know." He nodded. "Doesn't mean I have to like it."

Crossing my arms, I blocked Eric from his sight. "You don't, no. What can I do for you?"

"I just wanted to make sure you're okay."

"Thanks." I smiled at him. "I am."

"I don't mean with him. I meant your lungs and everything." He clarified.

Smiling wider, I leaned forward and kissed his cheek. "I know. And I am."

"Why would he just be here to sleep?" He asked.

"Because he enjoys my company." I stated even though that wasn't it.

"See, now that I'd actually believe." He replied, kissing my forehead before leaving.

Still smiling, I shut the door, turning to see a frowning Eric. "What?" I asked walking back over to him, sitting on the bed, leaning my arm across him.

"Does he have a thing for you?" He frowned putting his hands on my arms.

"What? No." I told him laughing lightly. He just looked at me like I was withholding something from him. "Eric, no. Four is like the big brother I never had and always wanted." He nodded. "You're not jealous are you?" I smirked, giving him a bashful look.

"No." He said but the word was too long and he wouldn't meet my eyes.

Laughing, I wrapped my arm around his neck, kissing him deeply. His arms moved around me, but one hand swiftly moved back to his side. "Does it hurt?"

"Not really. It was just stretching a bit." He replied.

"I should get to the parlor." I sighed.

"And I should get to the control room." He sighed as well, his hands moving up and down my arms.

"Talk later?" I asked.

"Do you mean sex later?" He retorted with a smirk.

Raising a brow, I leaned in, letting my lips brush his. "I thought we were ending it."

He sighed again, kissing me quickly. "I forgot already."

"The least we can do is give it a try." I told him. "If you just can't live without my vagina we'll pick it back up."

Gripping my arms, he rolled me into his. "It's you who won't be able to live without my cock."

Laughing, I put my hand against his face. "You keep telling yourself that."

"Because it's true."

Running my thumb across his lips, I leaned in, running my tongue along his bottom lip before kissing him. "No. I can live without your cock. But living without your lips might be a completely different story."

Kissing me passionately and repeatedly, I wrapped my arms around him as I pressed myself as close to him as I could get. Only stopping when I couldn't breathe anymore. Even then, my lips were still against his. "I hate you." He whispered.

"I hate you too." I smiled, kissing him again. "Alright. Movement. Things to do." I told him, removing myself from his arms. Standing, I grabbed clothes and started to put them on.

"Pen." He said making me pause with only my bra and underwear on.

"Yeah?" I said looking at him.

"Nothing." He replied, getting out of bed and pulling on his pants and shirt. Finishing at the same time, we walked to the door, both pausing. He snaked his arm around me, kissing me slowly. "You'll never make it."

"Just don't ignore me like you usually do when you attempt to stay away from me." I stated with a raised brow.

"Promise." He said brushing his nose against mine.

Hugging his shoulder to me, I ran my fingers back and forth across his collarbone. "Why aren't you leaving?" I asked him, staring into his eyes.

"Because I'm not done yet." He replied with a smirk.

His eyes moved back and forth across my face. Pulling me tighter against him, he buried his face in my neck, pressing a long kiss before gently sucking my skin, running his tongue along the spot before leaning away from me. Sighing, I put my hand against the back of his head, kissing him passionately. Resting my lips against his, I kept my eyes shut, wanting to recall them at any moment.

"This is going to be harder than I thought." I whispered. Kissing me again, he laced his fingers with mine as he opened the door, keeping it as we walked down the hall. "One more." I said pulling him into a dark hallway. Kissing, groping each other, it had to last us for god knew how long. I didn't think I was going to last long. He was like a drug. One that wasn't good for you, but you couldn't stop taking it. He had become my addiction.

"Jesus, Pen." He said with his hands against the wall on either side of me.

"This isn't going well." I smiled at him., running my hands up and down his chest.

"I don't want to ruin you. So this really is one more." He said kissing me deeply before walking away.

Taking a deep steadying breath, I finally stepped out and made my way to the parlor. Realizing I had forgotten my drawings, I ran back to my apartment before once again returning to the Pit. It seemed like many were looking my way, but it didn't bother me. Not until I got to the parlor and found Max sitting at my station.

"Hey." I smiled at him. "What brings you here?"

"You." He smiled back, though his was of hidden intent.

"Okay?" I replied with furrowed brows.

"You've been seeing a lot of Eric lately." He stated.

Leaning against my counter, I crossed my arms as I frowned at him. "And?"

"Why?" He asked.

"Why not?" I countered, seeing Tori give me a warning look from behind him.

"He's been neglecting his duties which is unlike him." He elaborated.

"In other words, he hasn't been around to be your little lap dog?" I shot at him.

In one fluid movement he was on his feet and less than an inch from my face. "Watch it."

"Or what?" I shot at him.

"Keep your hands to yourself." He shot back at me.

"I'm pretty sure as long as I'm doing my job I can do whatever the hell I want. We are still allowed a personal life you know." I retorted.

"Maybe it's time your job changed. Something that takes up more time."

I couldn't help but laugh. "I'm the best tattoo artist in this faction. I don't think our people would appreciate you taking my job away from me. If memory serves, you have five tattoos from me and you've commended me quite highly on every one of them."

For a long moment, he just stared down at me. "You're lucky I like you, Pen." He finally commented. "Stay away from him."

"I'm sure he appreciates you looking out for him." I replied. Smiling, he shook his head and turned to leave. "And Max?" He turned back. Lowering my defenses, I nodded at him, "For the record, we've already decided that it's not a good idea."

He smiled, nodding, "You're too good for him anyway."

As soon as he was gone, I couldn't help the frown that crossed my face. Someone saw or heard something. Though Four and Tori were the only ones who knew for sure what was going on. Turning to her, I looked at her questioningly.

"I didn't say anything." She told me with a hint of anger.

"Okay." I said setting my sketchbook next to her before starting to set up my station.

The morning was slow, only a few people coming with far too simple requests, providing too much time to talk, and today Tori was taking full advantage of that. It's not that I didn't want to talk, but my mind was already moving a mile a minute trying to figure out if I should be worried or not. Max himself had come to see me about Eric. So what the hell was Eric not doing and why the hell wasn't he doing it? I found it hard to believe that he would let me distract him enough to cause a problem with the other leaders.

"Were you lying to him?" Tori asked as we putzed around with things.

"No." I told her. "I did not lie to him."

"So you and Eric are...?" She asked elongating the last word.

"No longer seeing each other."

She nodded, "And when was that decided?"

"Right before I got here." I explained.

"And it's gonna stick?"

Sighing, I looked at her. "If Max is asking questions than I guess it probably should."

"You weren't going to go along with it, were you?"

"No." I told her, feeling annoyed and sad. "He - and I - and - I just -" I stammered.

"You've fallen for him." She stated sadly.

Looking at her, I shrugged, "I don't know. Sometimes I think I have and sometimes I don't. When it's just the two of us he is everything I want. When he's with other people he's the old Eric and I hate him again."

"So you just love what he does to you." She nodded.

"Yeah." I nodded. "I really, really do. I mean his lips are amazing. His body is fantastic. And the sex is euphoric."

"Careful. You sound like a woman in love." She smirked at me. "What if you get pregnant?"

"What?" I frowned at her. "Don't even joke about that." She just laughed. "No, seriously." She grinned at me shrugging. "Tori, stop." I shot at her. "You're horrible."

Shoving her, the rest of the day felt relaxed. We had a busier afternoon which helped take my mind off of everything. Tori and I ate dinner together before parting ways again, my sketchbook tucked underneath her arm. Going back to my apartment, I opened the door to see Eric. I was both ecstatic and annoyed to see him.

"Baby, if you keep showing up here then we're both going to get into trouble." I told him.

"I know." He said and stood. "Max was waiting for you?"

"Yeah, we chatted."

"And you told him we were over?"

"I did." He nodded. "Isn't that what we decided?" He nodded again. "Eric, you are so confusing. Tell me what you want."

"What do you want?" He asked.

"I want you." I replied without hesitation. "You've become my addiction."

"But you don't love me?" He frowned.

"Do you love me?" I countered.

"No." He replied, his tone giving nothing away.

"It's better this way. I don't want you getting in trouble because of me." I told him.

"You're not bothered that I don't love you?" He asked.

"No." I told him. It really didn't make me feel anything. There was maybe even a hint of relief.

"Okay." He nodded. "Good."

"He didn't come after you did he?" I asked next.

"No." He replied shaking his head. "No, we're good."

"Then go be a good boy and return to the control room. Otherwise he'll think we were lying." I told him.

"Were you?" He asked.

"I want to be." I told him with furrowed brows.

He nodded, pressing a kiss against my forehead. "Me too."

Gripping his hand, I didn't let go until he was out of reach, staring at the floor so I didn't have to watch him go. Feeling confused and frustrated and sad and relieved, I went to the bathroom, stripping and sitting under the hot stream. Rolling everything around in my head, I knew that this was for the best. I didn't love him so it was okay that we stopped seeing each other. And it's not like it was a real relationship. There was maybe one day every few weeks that felt like we were actually in a relationship. More so recently than ever before. Just one more reason to end it before we both got in too deep. Feelings had already been formed, and now was the time to break them.


	9. They Have Arrived

Having attempted to go to bed early, needing to get up to start training before the initiates came, I found that sleep wouldn't take me. All I could think about was Eric. About what Max and Tori said and about what I really wanted. I didn't lie when I told Eric I wanted him. I just wasn't sure I wanted him in the way I should. Not if I was going to genuinely pursue him. Laying on my back I stared at the ceiling, deciding that my mural should probably spread up there too. It would totally help in moments like this. The night was quiet, so when I heard a key in the door, I sighed, knowing who it was. Now I was annoyed. Staying silent as he closed the door and walked to the bed. It shifted as he laid down, a heavy sigh coming from him.

"You awake?" He asked.

"You know, Eric, it makes it really hard to stay away from you when you keep showing up all the time. This was your decision. You were the one who thought it was a good idea to end it. So end it. Stop showing up every spare moment you have. In the matter of one day you've broken your word twice about this being over. Not to mention you show up here with a key to my apartment. Is there no such thing as privacy?"

"Wow." He said but I could hear the smile in his voice.

"Stop it." I shot at him. "You cannot keep doing this."

"Why not?" He asked.

"Because I'll start getting used to it and then you're going to get bored, leave, or something else is going to happen."

"Like I might fall for you?"

"No. I might fall for you." I said running my fingers through my hair as I rolled over away from him. "So, stop it."

Feeling him roll over, he trailed his fingers down my arm, his lips finding my neck. "You haven't kicked me out yet."

"I'm not having sex with you." I shot at him. "If you can't do it than I will."

"Can I at least sleep here?" He asked kissing my neck again, his breath wafting over me.

"Fine." I told him shutting my eyes. "And stop kissing me."

He laughed lightly but did as he was told. Hearing his shoes drop to the floor, the bed jostled as he undressed, his clothes hitting the floor as well. He moved against me, his arm wrapping around me tightly as he put his face against my hair. At least he wasn't naked. I'd have a harder time sleeping if he was. He was asleep within minutes, leaving me to once again lay awake, only now I felt excited. He was right here. Lacing my fingers with his, I hugged his hand against me, pressing a kiss against his palm. I hated that I loved him being here.

When morning came, I got up, changing into training clothes before pausing at the end of the bed. Eric was sleeping soundly, but he always did when he was here. I'd never heard him complain about not being able to sleep. Going to his side of the bed, I sat down, putting my arm on his far side, leaning over him. Smiling, I gently ran my fingers down his face, able to stare at him forever. Bending down, I kissed him softly, running my fingers through his hair before getting up and leaving the room.

Making my way to the training room. I was alone, making me happy since it had been a couple weeks since I'd done any heavy training. But I was healed and had to be ready for the initiates. Going through all the forms Four had taught me, my muscles felt alive despite the pain that coursed through them. It was only a matter of minutes when a glean of sweat covered my body. Not that it slowed me down. Every time I felt like I was getting tired, I ran a lap of the room before starting again.

"Hey." Four said as he walked in, his jacket in one hand. "Want some company?"

"Yeah." I nodded at him, out of breath. "You can show me those forms you used to kick my ass." He smiled and nodded. So now the pair of us went through the motions, his critiquing making me better. That was always my goal though. To be better. To exceed expectations.

"Nice job." He told me out of breath. "You always were a fast learner."

"I had to be to beat the Dauntless born." I replied.

"It'll be nice to have someone I can trust train with me. Not to mention you can keep Eric off mine and the initiates backs during the training process. He loves seeing them bleed." I just nodded at him. "Did you end it?" He asked, a hopeful tone in his voice.

"I'm trying to." I told him. "But it's a lot harder than I thought it would be."

"You fell for him." He nodded.

"I don't even know if that's what it is. I fell in love with what he does to me but when I think about who he really is, what he's done, the way his mind works...I'm not sure anymore." I replied, feeling repetitive. I'd told Tori something very similar. But if they believed it I'd still spin it.

"When did you become a sex addict?" He grinned at me.

Laughing, I shook my head. "I became an Eric addict."

"Gross." He stated, his smile gone.

"I know." I nodded at him. "But he is so completely different with me than he is with everyone else."

"God I hope he does something to piss you off." He stated.

Laughing, I nodded, "Me too, my friend. Me too."

Running back to my apartment to shower, I found the room empty, which I was genuinely grateful for. Showering and getting ready, I made my way to the parlor, walking in to find a muffin on my desk. Happily eating it, I got everything ready, going through some sketches that I had been working on weeks ago and had been meaning to revisit. Tori was late, making the parlor quiet as I tattooed the first few of the day. No one was overly chatty and I guess I wasn't going to complain. I was a focused worker as it was. I didn't like a lot of conversation. For a while anyway.

"Hey, what's going on?" Tori asked as she interrupted an argument I was having with Henry.

"I'm not going to do it." I flat out told him.

"It's my body, Pen."

"No." I replied.

"You don't get a say anymore."

"I do and I will and you won't." I stated.

"What?" Tori asked.

I just glared at her, "He gets it."

"What does he want?" She smiled.

"I want a naked woman on my arm." He replied.

"Yeah, mine." I added. "Which is gross."

"What?" Tori asked. Handing her the sketch he had brought, it wasn't exactly me but there were enough similarities that it was just creepy. "Henry." She said sadly.

"It's not her!" He yelled.

"Close enough!" I yelled back, smacking the side of his head.

"This is great." Claude said from the chair, lounging as she snacked on some nuts.

"Okay, Henry? No." Tori told him. "No one will be doing this for you."

"I need a break." I told her. "Will you be good for a while?"

"Yeah." She nodded. "If I need help I'll get Mizer."

"He sucks." I frowned. "Don't give him anything complicated."

"Why do you think he only does weekends?" She smiled.

Grabbing Claude's hand, we went up to the roof for some target practice. Even with food in one hand she still made better shots than me and she was hardly trying. It was annoying and yet gave me the competitive edge I needed to keep pushing myself. She would always be better than me, but at least I could try. When we were done, we made our way back down to the Pit for some food. I asked if she wanted to throw some knives next but she denied me. Doing it myself, I returned to the parlor with just enough time to do a quick shoulder tattoo before heading back home. Finding it empty again, I took out paints and started to work on my mural. This was the second one I'd done since I'd been here. I painted over half of it when I decided that I didn't like it anymore. Now the center of the wall was swiftly coming together, looking a lot like the tattoo I put on the back of Eric's shoulder. I had fallen in love with that tattoo. I was proud of it and had already decided that it was going to go on my wall. Also deciding that it would never go on another person. Not by my hand, and anyone else's would be inferior.

When I'd had my fill, I showered, washing all the paint off my skin, before crawling into bed. I sketched for just a little while before I was too tired to focus. Turning off the lamp, I laid down, hugging a pillow as I fell asleep. I was sleeping happily when the shifting of the bed woke me and I felt an arm move around me. Rolling onto my back, I didn't open my eyes as I turned my head toward him.

"How did you get a key anyway?" I asked groggily.

"By being sneaky." He said kissing me sweetly. "Go back to sleep."

Sighing, I rolled toward him, resting my head against his bicep as he put his arm around me. Taking a deep breath of him, I fell back asleep as he trailed his fingers through my hair. When morning came, he was still here, sleeping soundly. Smiling, I kissed him deeply, making him shift toward me but hadn't woken up yet. Putting my hand against his face, I ran my thumb along his lips, unable to get enough of them. Kissing him again, I got up, changed and once again went to the training room. Spending a good amount of time with the punching bags, I was going to call it an early morning when I heard steps.

"You get up early." Eric smiled at me.

"And you're too adorable to wake." I smiled back stepping up to him.

"Wanna train with me?" He asked.

Looking up at him, his towering frame made me shiver with wanting. The sound of his voice like chocolate. "Yeah." I nodded, hoping it would take the edge off of wanting him so badly.

Thus began our newest routine. I got up early to train, him joining me nearly every day, just for a little while before he went to the control room. Four usually joined me, even if Eric was there. Claude and Henry on occasion but those days Eric wouldn't stay. But he always showed up at night. It didn't matter how early or late he got done with his day, he was always in my bed. It took only a few days to realize that being near him made all the difference. I slept better with him than without, finding I needed the noises he made and the heat of him. I needed to know that he was within my reach. There was only a night or two when he was gone all night and I found myself restless without him. The night before the Choosing Ceremony was one of them. Waking early, I felt exhausted, the bags under my eyes felt palpable. Deciding that a short run would help wake me up, I made my way to the pavement outside the headquarters, starting to lap the building. By the third one I was feeling the burn, pushing myself for one more before I called it good. I was just finishing up when I saw Eric standing to the side. Slowing to a walk, he fell in step with me, looking as tired as I did.

"They kept you busy all night?" I asked him as I caught my breath. He nodded, lacing his fingers with mine. "You okay?"

"Yeah, just tired." He replied.

"We probably have time for a quick nap." I smiled up at him. The thought alone made me excited. I too could use a little more sleep.

"No, I'll be okay." He said leaning against my side. "I've gotta get back."

"Damn." I said stopping and stepping in front of him. "I could've held you for a while."

"I'd never get up." He smiled, one hand moving to my face.

"You're so sweet when you want to be." I smiled back.

"Only with you." He said leaning down, kissing me sweetly. "When I want to be." He added, grabbing my ass forcefully and pulling me tightly against him, grinning down at me.

Laughing lightly, I wrapped my arms around him, resting my head against his chest, sighing contentedly. "We're both going to have a long day."

"But then the night always comes." He said with his lips in my hair. "You stink."

"Shower with me?" I smiled up at him.

"Don't tempt me, Pen. We've been doing good."

"Fine." I frowned slowly walking backward away from him. "I'll shower alone. You know, naked. Nice steamy hot water flowing all over me. Making me all slippery."

He rushed forward, making me scream playfully, as I started to run backward, only to have him grab me, throwing me over his shoulder. Laughing loudly as he spun me in circles, I felt his teeth against my ass before he put me back on my feet. Wrapping my arms around him, I kissed him deeply. He gripped my sides, making me squirm against him as we went back inside, him giving me a quick kiss in the process. I wasn't lying when I had told him I couldn't live without his lips. He let me have just enough of them to keep me quiet, but not enough to satisfy. Reentering the world of people, our playfulness ended, knowing we had to return to a safe distance, not able to look too happy in each other's presence. Smiling at him, I gently played with his fingers until people came into sight, reluctantly letting them fall apart from his.

Showering and putting something nicer on, meaning leather pants and a dressy blouse, I pinned one side of my hair up. I wanted to attempt to make a good impression. Not that it mattered. They were going to hate me before I knew it. Something that made it all the more enjoyable. Pushing them would better them but make them think I was the devil. But if they wanted to make it than they'd listen.

"You look nice." Tori told me as I joined her before going to the parlor.

"Thank you." I smiled. "I have a little time to kill before the initiates arrive."

"Good." She smiled.

"I concur." Claude said coming in and sitting in my chair. "I need another one taken off." She stated.

Smiling, I her, I sat on the stool faced her. "Seriously? Another one?"

"I'm on a role." She grinned.

"Go you." I smiled starting to get ready. "Sticking with black?" I asked.

"Yeah. I'll keep it uniform. I want this one a little bigger." She replied looking pleased with herself.

Getting everything ready, she put her arm out, forearm up, crossing her ankles as she grinned at me. Prepping her skin, I ran my fingers across the ones that preceded it. The first number had been eleven. After a few weeks it had dropped to ten. After another month or so it was down to nine. Fears. She had faced her fears and was slowly lowering her number. Today I would be tattooing the number seven.

"I've almost caught up to you." She stated with a raised brow.

"Getting close." I smirked at her.

I have five fears. My initial number had been seven but I'd managed to knock off a couple during my time here. Most people did. Unless you were special like Four. He wasn't called Four out of randomness. He was Four because he had four fears. Four then and four now. He was a rare one that man. There would never be another one like him again.

"There." I said looking at it. All the numbers varied in size, depending on the strength of the fear she had overcome. Nine so far was the biggest. Seven was now second in line. I couldn't wait for her to surpass Four. "If you beat him we're totally renaming you Three or something."

"I'll let you if I ever get that low. My first accomplishment will be to just beat you." She stated.

Shaking my head, I put a bandage over it. "Just in time for the initiates to arrive."

"Thank god. I am in need of fresh meat." She stated for the zillionth time.

"You're a pig." I laughed at her.

"No, I just know what I want." She replied. I just shook my head. Watching her smile fall, she looked at me with a serious expression. "You tell me everything, right?" She asked.

"Of course I do." I replied quickly.

"Because I heard something in the control room and I won't believe it until you say it."

"What did you hear?" I asked, realizing where this was going.

"Max cornered Eric in one of the offices the other day. He was questioning him heavily and I swear I heard your name." She told me. "Is something going on between you two?"

Meeting her eyes, I knew I couldn't lie to her. "Yeah." I nodded.

"Okay." She nodded, already looking upset. "I don't want to know any more than that."

"Okay." I replied.

It took all of two seconds for her to sit up and face me, resting her elbows on her knees. "I lied. Tell me."

"I've been sleeping with him for a few months now."

"Penelope Farrier!" She yelled as she stood and started to pace.

"For the past couple weeks - nearly three - we've stopped sleeping together but he stays with me at night. There's still the occasional kiss and a lot of touching and closeness, but we have successfully stopped having sex."

"Okay." She nodded still pacing.

"We've grown quite fond of each other. I know him far better than I ever thought I would. And him me."

She stopped and glared down at me. "You've kept this from me for months?" I nodded. "Does anyone else know?"

"Tori and Four." I replied. "And maybe Max. But both Eric and I have told him that it's over."

"But it's really not." She stated.

"We're trying, Claude."

"Why, Pen?" She asked with both anger and sadness in her tone.

"Because he caught me in a moment of weakness and then he's become like an addiction." I told her.

"Addicted to Eric." She nodded wrapping her head around it.

Tori appeared, looking at Claude before me. "Stop telling people."

"I'm only telling her because she already knew something was up." I replied. "She works in the control room. She sees him."

"Not lately." She stated. "Which I thought was weird since he's Max's right hand man." I nodded at her. "That's because he's been with you, right?" I nodded again. "Are you in love with him?"

"Why does everyone assume I'm in love with him because I'm sleeping with him? Was sleeping with him. Did you ever think that maybe I just liked the sex?" I frowned at her.

"You're not the type." Tori stated getting a nod and gesture from Claude.

"Well, I am now. I am Dauntless you know." I shot at them. "Something else people like to remind me of. Now that I'm acting like it it's as if you don't like that I am."

"We'd just be happy if it were Henry and not Eric." Tori stated.

"Oh my god!" I said standing, officially frustrated. "Henry and I tried. It's over. Done."

"And Eric?" Claude shot as she crossed her arms.

"In the works of letting him go." I stated.

"It's easy. Just stop." She said calmly.

Crossing my arms, I met her eyes, feeling a wave of emotion threaten to take me over. "It's not that easy, Claude."

"She cares about him." Tori stated.

"A lot." I added.

"But it's not love?" Claude asked.

"We've talked about it and no. It's not love." I told her. She just looked at me unconvinced. "Please, Claude. You can't hate me for this. You cannot turn away from me because of my feelings for him. He's not what he seems."

"He's still Eric, isn't he?"

"Claude."

"Then he is what he seems."

"So you're going to disown me then?"

"No." She frowned. "You're my best friend. I will stand with you till the end. That doesn't mean I have to like all the decisions you make."

"Thank you." I told her with sincerity.

She took a deep breath, letting it out slowly before she wrapped her arms around me, hugging me tightly. "I love you, Pen. You fucking idiot."

Laughing lightly, I hugged her back. "I know."

"He's a bad guy." She stated.

"I know. So does he. Hence the distance he's attempting to put between us." I explained.

"It was his idea?" She asked letting me go.

Sitting on the bed again, I nodded at her. "He doesn't want to taint me."

"Wow. That's actually really decent of him." She said, the hate ebbing from her voice a little.

Nodding, I took a deep breath. "He knows he's bad for me. But I can't help but think how good I am for him. If I can help make him a better man, isn't that a good thing?"

"He can't change, sweetie." She replied sadly.

"If anyone can change him it's you." Tori added.

"Then let me and stop judging me." I told them sadly.

"But will he let you?" Claude asked.

"Yes." I replied quickly.

There was a long moment of silence before Claude broke it. "Okay, this is just an observation but...if you don't love him you did a good job of defending him right there. And a few months is plenty of time to fall in love."

"He's still Eric." Tori stated.

Claude nodded, looking at her before smiling at me, "He's Pen's Eric."

"So now you're on board with this?" Tori shot at her.

"No." Claude replied quickly. "But I support her. She's my family here."

"Thank you." I smiled at her.

"But he's still a bad guy." Claude told me with a serious expression. "And I'll remind him of how he should be treating you."

"No you won't." I told her forcefully. "He doesn't know I've said anything. He cannot know my friends know or it'll just piss him off."

"Does Henry know?" She asked nervously.

"God no." I replied. "He'd kill both of us. And probably you because you knew about it."

"That's good. And yeah, he would."

"He's scary when he's angry." I stated, just the thought making me nervous.

As if on cue he came running into the room. "They're here." He smiled. "It's show time."

He was going to be with Lauren training the Dauntless born while Four and I took on the transfers. It was clear that he couldn't be more excited to be involved with training. But I couldn't deny that my stomach flipped when he'd said it. It was show time and we were going to have the time of our lives. We knew how hard it was and to be able to do that to them would be immensely entertaining. Or it could be the complete opposite. Training had become ruthless, and now that I was becoming more involved with it, I couldn't help but think it was our leaders attempt at flushing out the Divergent. Making me feel like I needed to be just that more vigilant with not only myself but the initiates as well. I needed to find them first, to protect them. If they were worth protecting that is. Even I could be just as ruthless as any in Dauntless.

Looking at Claude, she nodded at me, offering me a small smile. "Thank you." I told her again, kissing his cheek. "I'll see you later." I told Tori before getting up and rushing out the door. "Let's go." I smiled at Henry. Running through the halls, we reached the net before any of the initiates had jumped.

"It's about time." Four said as I stepped next to him.

Looking up through the hole, I could see Eric walking the ledge of it. Smiling, I was starting to get far more excited. I was going to have fun. "You think it'll be one of us who jumps first?"

"Do you mean transfer or Dauntless?" He smirked.

"No, I mean the other thing." I stated. His head jerked to me so fast I was pretty sure he gave himself whiplash. "Kidding." I said nudging him. "And I meant Dauntless. Since that's what we are now."

"Yes we are." He stated. "Your boyfriend looks like he's having fun."

Hitting him hard in the chest, he just grinned at me. "Knock it off."

"No one heard me." He replied and nudged me.

"Dude, I will end you."

"Bring it on."

Letting it go, grinning, I punched him hard in the shoulder. "Don't be a jerk. We're going to be spending a lot of time together."

"And boy will he be jealous." He beamed at me.

"And you're going to take far too much pleasure in that." I said shaking my head. "You're lucky I don't remotely think of you as anything but my brother."

"Thank god." He replied. "I was totally worried there for a second."

Laughing, I wrapped my arm around him, kissing his cheek. "You're such an ass."

"Whatever, you love me."

"This is true."

"We got one!" Henry yelled from where he stood next to Lauren.

Watching, sure enough, a small body was tumbling down from the rooftop. She landed, bouncing until she stopped, staring at the gaping hole above her. Four stepped forward and yanked on the net so she rolled toward him, catching her by surprise. Watching him help her down, I took in the grey clothes she was wearing. Completely surprised that an Abnegation had made the jump first. She was plain with a narrow face, grayish-blue eyes that were wide and round, and a long, thin nose. She had straight blonde hair that framed her face, a long neck, and knobby-knuckled hands. All-in-all not much to look at but for a split second, something crossed Four's face.

"What's your name?" He asked her. She just looked at him, muttering something inaudible. "Is that a hard one? Think about it," he told her, a faint smile curling his lips. "You don't get to pick again."

"Tris." She finally told him.

"Tris." Lauren repeated, grinning. "Make the announcement, Four."

"First jumper—Tris!" He shouted.

The crowd cheered and pumped their fists in typical Dauntless style. Then another person dropped into the net. Her screams following her down. Everyone laughed, but they followed it up with more cheering.

Four put his hand on her back, telling her, "Welcome to Dauntless."

"Over here." I told her. She slowly moved to my side, watching with me as the others started to jump. "Some high, huh?" I smiled at her.

"Yeah." She smiled.

Nodding, I just grinned down at her. "And that there was the easiest part of the initiation. I hope you brought your balls because you're going to need them. Especially coming from Abnegation."

"Where are you from?" She asked.

"You're assuming I'm not from Dauntless." I told her with furrowed eyes. "Ballsy."

"Well, I brought mine."

Laughing, I nodded at her. "Okay." She smiled at me. "And Amity."

"Really?" She said with surprise.

"I know." I nodded. "Hard to believe."

For a moment I let her take in my tattoos and piercings. I'm sure she was wondering why I transferred. I'm sure she'd ask me someday. Because just knowing her for a few minutes, it was clear that she did not belong in Abnegation.

After everyone had jumped, we all made our way down the narrow tunnel, watching as they took in their new home. Since the tunnels were lit at long intervals, you could see them trying to adjust to the light and dark.

"This is where we divide," Lauren told them. "The Dauntless-born initiates are with me. I assume you don't need a tour of the place." She smiled and beckoned them toward her.

Watching them move away from us, it left only nine with Four and I. Four spoke then, wanting to get the show on the road. "Most of the time I work in the control room, but for the next few weeks, I am your instructor," he says. "My name is Four."

"Four? Like the number?" The dark skinned Candor asked.

"Yes," Four says. "Is there a problem?"

"No."

"Good. We're about to go into the Pit, which you will someday learn to love. It—"

The girl snickered, "The Pit? Clever name."

Four walked up to her, making me grin, leaning his face close to hers. His eyes narrowed, and for a second he just stared at her. "What's your name?" he asked quietly.

"Christina," she squeaked.

"Well, Christina, if I wanted to put up with Candor smart-mouths, I would have joined their faction," he hissed at her. "The first lesson you will learn from me is to keep your mouth shut. Got that?"

She nodded. Making me laugh as he turned and started toward the end of the tunnel. Everyone was silent as we moved on.

Staying at the rear of the group like some herding dog, I made sure everyone stayed together. We didn't want anyone discovering the Chasm without supervision. Especially when they still looked like the faction they were from. They were going to have to prove that they belonged here. Something that was far harder than any of them realized. Watching as they took it all in, I realized that not a single Amity was among them. Plenty of Candor and Erudite, Tris from Abnegation, but no Amity. It didn't bother me but it was the one time I could ask about my family. I was Dauntless, and I loved my faction, but I still cared about my family. I wanted to know how they were doing.

"I'm here!" I called to Tori, taking a break from the initiates while they ate.

She appeared from the back. "How'd it go?"

"So far it's been fine. Plenty of Candor and Erudite. No Amity and one Abnegation."

"Abnegation?" She replied, concern crossing her face briefly before she attempted to hide it.

"Yeah. Tris. She's feisty." I replied. "Something wrong?"

"What does she look like?" She asked.

"Plain. Like all Abnegation. Blond, narrow face, blue eyes. Nothing really worth looking at." I replied. She nodded but I knew there was something more to it. "Tori?"

"If it's who I think it is, we've got another one."

"Seriously?" I frowned at her. "We're becoming awfully frequent. No wonder the Erudite are worried about us."

"What do you know?" She frowned.

"Nothing really."

"Then why would you say that?" She asked.

"I don't know."

"What has Eric said?"

"Nothing." I replied quickly. "I don't know anything. I'm sorry I brought it up."

"Pen, you need to be careful. Especially around Eric. Who knows what he knows and who he'll tell."

"He wouldn't turn me in." I frowned.

"Because of the love he claims to not feel for you?" She shot.

"Screw you, Tori. I'm my own person and I will make my own decisions. If they end up costing me more than I bargained for at least I know it was done by my own choice." I shot back at her.

She sighed, stepping up to me. "I'm just worried about you."

"Well, what do you know?" I asked.

"Just what I've already told you." She replied. "They kill the Divergent. So you need to keep yourself safe."

"I will."

"And you can't trust Eric."

"I know."

"Even with the little stuff." She added.

"I don't believe that he'll hurt me." I told her.

She nodded, sighing again. "Just don't let your guard down. Be careful. I do not want to find you at the bottom of the Chasm."

"I will." I nodded. "Besides, I'll be busy with training. That'll take up a lot of my time."

"So you won't be around Eric?" She asked.

"Only when we're sleeping." I stated. She just frowned at me. "I'm not kicking him out. I don't sleep well without him anymore. Nor him without me."

"Are you listening to yourself?" She frowned. I just shrugged at her. "If that doesn't scream relationship I don't know what does."

"Shut up." I frowned attempting to busy myself.

For the remainder of the day I couldn't help but run all their words through my head. I couldn't deny that Eric had definitely complicated my life. Before him, I spent all my spare time with Claude and Henry and with Four or Tori. Now I hardly saw them, surprised that they hadn't complained. But they were just as busy as I was and we were still there for each other when we needed to be. But my relationship - especially with Henry - had changed. Claude and I were the same but the time I spent with Henry had gone from crossing personal boundaries to keeping him outside of my personal bubble. The times I'd let him hold me, sharing moments like we had when we were together, were now in the past. Even if he asked I didn't think I'd willingly allow it to happen. Not unless it was to comfort him. Even if Eric and I weren't anything official or public, I'd feel like I was betraying him.

"So?" Claude said sitting next to me at dinner. Her eyes were already locked on all the new initiates. "Anything good?"

"Not really." I said looking at the initiates next to us. Four sat across from me, a stoic expression on his face. They all glanced in my direction but weren't brave enough to say anything.

I was going to talk to her more about them when Tris and Christina sat in the open spaces next to Four. They already seemed to be buddying up, only Christina was tall with long slender legs and a willowy frame. Her skin and eyes were a dark brown and had short black hair. She was pretty. Too pretty to buddy up to a Stiff.

Four raised a brow at me. I just bowed my head to hide a smile. They were transfers. We all remembered what it was like to be them. You had to assert yourself or risk being left behind. Something told me that the pair of them were going to be fighters. They were also probably going to piss us off.

Eric stopped by the table, wanting to be introduced to the initiates sitting next to us. I shot him a glare but his personality button had been flipped and he sounded like the snake he was, antagonizing Four and grinning at Tris and Christina like he wanted to undress them. Kicking his shin underneath the table, he didn't even flinch before he moved on.

"Such a charmer." Claude said giving me a look.

"I love the fear he instills in the newbies." Henry smiled. "The smell of urine in the air."

"You're gross." I laughed and smacked the back of his head.

As soon as dinner was over, the tour continued. Eric was the one who was leading them now; I once again followed behind them, more out of curiosity than anything. I wanted to get to know them as quickly as possible. Especially since I was going to be spending so much time with them during the first leg of training.

"For those of you who don't know, my name is Eric." He told them as we walked. "I am one of five leaders of the Dauntless. We take the initiation process very seriously here, so I volunteered to oversee most of your training."

I watched the looks that passed through them, none were un-phased, but I caught a glimpse of Tris and her expression of loathing. I didn't know why she had taken an immediate dislike to him. They'd barely interacted with him. But I spose he just had an air about him that turned people off.

One of the initiates, distracting me from ogling him, not that he was any less attractive. In fact, I was a little taken aback by him. I had heard a rash comment, making me focus on him but I had expected a gangly punk that I would enjoy beating the shit out of. Only I was met with a tall, attractive kid with dark shiny hair that seemed to gleam even in the darkness of the hallway. But, similar to Eric, when he opened his mouth he became extremely unattractive.

"Pay attention. You're only going to be shown this once." I told him as we passed through the Pit.

He smiled a wide white smile, his nose was long with a narrow bridge and his eyes are wide and dark green. "Sorry." He replied but I knew that he didn't mean it, especially the way he looked me up and down.

"Eyes forward." I told him, right before he slammed into the corner of a wall.

"Some ground rules," Eric went on. "You have to be in the training room by eight o'clock every morning. Training takes place every day from eight to six, with a break for lunch. You are free to do whatever you like after six. You will also get some time off between each stage of initiation. You are only permitted to leave the compound when accompanied by a Dauntless." Eric added stopping at their dormitory. "Behind this door is the room where you will be sleeping for the next few weeks. You will notice that there are ten beds and only nine of you. We anticipated that a higher proportion of you would make it this far."

"But we started with twelve." Christina protested, making me raise a brow and look at Eric, gauging his response.

"There is always at least one transfer who doesn't make it to the compound." Eric stated, picking at his cuticles. He shrugged. "Anyway, in the first stage of initiation, we keep transfers and Dauntless-born initiates separate, but that doesn't mean you are evaluated separately. At the end of initiation, your rankings will be determined in comparison with the Dauntless-born initiates. And they are better than you are already. So I expect—"

"Rankings?" Asked a mousy-haired Erudite girl. They didn't know when to shut up. Something that would have to be remedied quickly if they wanted to survive. "Why are we ranked?"

Eric smiled, and I could see the old him in the blue light. They needed to be careful. That look never meant anything good. "Your ranking serves two purposes." He told them. "The first is that it determines the order in which you will select a job after initiation. There are only a few desirable positions available. The second purpose is that only the top ten initiates are made members."

This was the fun part. I remembered the panic that had coursed through me when he had told us. It would either make you or break you. And the panic was tangible in the air. The shock as well when Christina asked what they were all thinking, "What?"

"There are eleven Dauntless-born, and nine of you." Eric continued. "Four initiates will be cut at the end of stage one. The remainder will be cut after the final test."

"What do we do if we're cut?" Peter asked.

"You leave the Dauntless compound," Eric replied indifferently, "and live factionless."

The mousy-haired girl clamped her hand over her mouth and stifled a sob. I'd seen plenty of factionless to understand what must be going through her mind.

"But that's…not fair!" The broad-shouldered Candor girl, Molly, cried out. Even though she sounded angry, she looked terrified. "If we had known—"

"Are you saying that if you had known this before the Choosing Ceremony, you wouldn't have chosen Dauntless?" Eric snapped. "Because if that's the case, you should get out now. If you are really one of us, it won't matter to you that you might fail. And if it does, you are a coward." Eric pushed the door to the dormitory open. "You chose us," he told them. "Now we have to choose you."

It was harsh and yet I just smiled at him. It had been some time since I'd seen the hard side of Eric and I had to admit that I was completely turned on by him in this moment. Taking a moment, I looked at the bunk beds, the chalkboard, and the small mirror, memories of my time in this room came flooding back. Claude and I had shared a bunk, her on top of course, supporting each other through every stage of our initiation.

"Well that was fun." I told Eric as we walked back toward the Pit

"I wish I could say I liked initiates." He told me.

"You don't?" I asked a little surprised. "Don't you think it's exciting to mold them into the next generation of our faction? To push them to the limits and take joy in their accomplishments and their failures?"

He just looked at me with an odd expression, "Who are you?"

Laughing, I shook my head, "Someone who will be anxiously awaiting you in her bed tonight." I told him before rushing off, finding Four in the Pit. "Hey."

"Hey, how did the rest of the tour go?"

"Fine." I replied. "They're in the dormitory, terrified that they won't make it through initiation."

He gave a short laugh, "Sounds about right."

"Do you need anything else from me today?"

"Nah." He told me. "Just be sure you're in the training room before they are tomorrow."

"I will be." I nodded. "I'm excited, Four."

"Good." He said putting his arm around me.

"Alright, well, I'm gonna check in with Tori and Bud and I'll see you in the morning." I told him. He simply nodded. "It'll be fine. And fun." I said giving his cheek a quick kiss before rushing off toward the parlor.

I never made it there, Claude grabbed me, dragging me to Henry so we could discuss our first impressions of the initiates. Which didn't bother me, while Henry was full of comments about the Dauntless-born, it was hard to tell them much about the transfers when they didn't get a chance to speak much. I told them about Tris and Christina, commenting on how fowl Molly looked and that Peter was like a younger version of Eric. Claude shot me a look which I returned with a glare. I was not going to get involved with an initiate, if that was what she was thinking. I wasn't attracted to that personality, just Eric, she'd have to make peace with that eventually. Otherwise they seemed like the normal bunch. There were a few I already knew weren't going to make it and a few that I was eager to see what they were made of. They didn't realize the pressure that came with choosing Dauntless, but they were swiftly going to find out.


	10. One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

When the Pit started to grow quiet, we finally dispersed. All of us had early mornings and we all needed the sleep, though in my case, I was simply eager to be joined by Eric. Since we weren't having sex, we were actually starting to talk about things. It was nice and had, by far, become my favorite part of my day. Opening the door, my apartment was empty. Taking a long shower, I had hoped to waste enough time till he arrived but the room was still quiet. Sighing, I took out my sketchbook, starting to doodle random things. When he still wasn't there, I decided that I needed to sleep, lying down, I had just started to drift off when the door opened. Turning toward it, I watched Eric undress, pulling the covers back before he laid next to me.

"I was worried you wouldn't come." I told him putting my hand against his chest. He rolled over, meeting my eyes, a frown on his face. "What is it?" I asked him, running my hand up to his face. He leaned in, kissing me deeply. "Baby?" I frowned. He remained silent. "Okay, Eric, come on, say something to me."

"I used to love my role here in Dauntless." He frowned.

"What changed?" I frowned back at him. "You seemed perfectly in character earlier."

"That's just it, Pen. It's a character. I'm a pawn."

Softening my expression, I kissed him. "And this is the real you?"

"I want it to be." He said putting his hand against my face.

"But?"

He just looked at me before his expression softened. "Nothing. I'm just thinking."

"You can tell me, you know." I told him, kissing him sweetly.

"I know." He nodded. "But not yet. We've got a lot on our plates already."

"If you need to lighten your load, my plates got room." I told him.

He smiled, kissing me, "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Alright, tell me what you think of the new bunch." He said, pulling me against his chest.

Smiling, I told him what I thought, lulling him to sleep as I spoke, trailing my nails up and down his back. As soon as he was sleeping, I couldn't help the frown that crossed my face. I knew that his actions were preapproved by Jeanine and Max, and that he didn't have a choice. I should be careful with what I say and what I asked him. If I started to learn too much than I'd be putting a target on my back. One that he would probably have to put a bullet through. I didn't think he would ever hurt me, not if he didn't have to. But I might be giving him far more credit than he deserves.

Come morning, Eric was still sleeping soundly. It was still early but I couldn't sleep anymore. I hardly slept as it was and if I fell asleep now I would probably oversleep and then Four would be pissed. Making my way through Dauntless, I came out at street level, starting a slow jog around the building. We'd be spending most of our time outside as is but I needed to have time to calm my thoughts. I hated seeing him torn. But I also knew that when I saw him today his switch would be flipped and I'd have to deal with the ruthless, unfeeling Eric that Dauntless knew and hated. I just wished he could always be the Eric I had grown to care about. The one that knew every one of my ticklish spots and the spots that if he put just enough pressure would send a shiver through me. He had memorized my body, just as I had memorized his. I just wished we knew each other's minds just as well.

"Morning." I told Four as I entered the training room.

"Morning." He replied. "You ready?"

I grinned at him, "Oh, yeah." Before long the initiates arrived, grouping together outside the door. "Follow us." I told them, leading them up to the roof where the gun training would take place. "Line it up."

Four paced in front of them for a few long minutes, gauging them. When he spoke it was with all the authority he had, which was far more impressive than one might think. "The first thing you will learn today is how to shoot a gun. The second thing is how to win a fight." Four pressed a gun into each of their palms. "Thankfully, if you are here, you already know how to get on and off a moving train, so I don't need to teach you that."

It was fun to see their expressions as they realized that there would be no coddling here. There would be no hand holding and no classroom to explain what being Dauntless meant. There was only action and learning from experience. This was going to be interesting. Having been where they were, it was weird seeing it from this side.

"Initiation is divided into three stages. We will measure your progress and rank you according to your performance in each stage. The stages are not weighed equally in determining your final rank, so it is possible, though difficult, to drastically improve your rank over time. We believe that preparation eradicates cowardice, which we define as the failure to act in the midst of fear." Four explained to them. "Therefore each stage of initiation is intended to prepare you in a different way. The first stage is primarily physical; the second, primarily emotional; the third, primarily mental."

"But what…" Peter yawned through his words. "What does firing a gun have to do with…bravery?"

Four's eyes briefly glanced to mine, before he flipped the gun in his hand, pressing the barrel to Peter's forehead, and clicks a bullet into place. I did the same, pressing my gun to the back of his head. Peter froze with his lips parted, the yawn dead in his mouth.

"Wake. Up." Four snapped. An evil smirk crossing my face. "You are holding a loaded gun, you idiot. Act like it."

He lowered his gun, while I kept mine at the back of his head. "Show a little respect." I told him. "One wrong move and you are out of the running." Lowering my gun, I stepped back. He was clearly embarrassed, his cheeks red as he glared at Four, glancing over his shoulder at me. I just waved my fingers at him, grinning. I enjoyed it when those from Candor were put on their ass.

"And to answer your question…you are far less likely to soil your pants and cry for your mother if you're prepared to defend yourself." Four stopped walking at the end of the row and turned on his heel. "This is also information you may need later in stage one. So, watch me and Pen."

It occurred to me that they had no idea who I was. Stepping through the initiates, slamming my shoulder into Peter's in the process. We faced the wall with the targets on it – one square of plywood with three red circles on it for each of us. We stand with our feet apart, just the way Four had taught me, holding the gun in both hands, and fired. The bang is loud and I can feel their eyes on us, all murmuring as they moved to see the target. There was a hole in the middle of both targets. They all just stood there and stared at us.

"What are you standing there for? Line it up!" I hollered at them. One girl jumped, the gun going off, pain in my arm as it grazed me. Disbelief crossed my face as I looked at her. She was petite with red hair and green eyes. She was slender and shaking like a leaf as I met her eyes. Stepping forward, my fist met her face, snatching the gun from her hands as she fell back. "Take note, if you're afraid to be here and are unable to handle the first hour of initiation, you might as well leave now." Stepping closer to her, I looked down, "What's your name?"

"Terra." She told me.

Nodding, I put my hand out to her. She took it and I hoisted her to her feet. "I suggest you put a little extra time getting rid of your nerves. If something like this happens again I'll kick you out myself. Understand?" She nodded vigorously. Handing her the gun back she was still shaking. Lowering my voice, I gently gripped the wrist of the hand she was holding the gun with. "Calm down. This is not the end of the world."

"Your arm." She stated, pointing to it.

Looking at it, blood was running down my arm. "And?" I frowned at her. "This isn't the first time I've been shot and it won't be the last. Just wait till we start with knives." I told her, smirking. She offered me the smallest of smiles before it disappeared from her face. "I will admit that it was close and being killed by an initiate is not the way I want to go down. Call that your free pass with me. Anything else happens and you'll see a whole different side of me, got it?"

"Yeah." She nodded.

"Now steady yourself." I told her again. Keeping her eyes, she nodded at me. I took a deep breath, gesturing for her to as well. She mirrored me, her shaking slowly stopping until she held the gun with a firm hand. "Good job." I told her. "Fear is the enemy. You need to learn to control it. Sooner rather than later." She nodded again; a determined looked entering her eyes. "Good girl." I smiled.

Stepping through them, I watched Four glare at her as he passed through them as well. "Take your stance!" He yelled at them. "Now fire!" They all pulled the trigger and bullets hit everything though most missed the actual target. "You okay?" He asked.

"It's just a graze wound. Not my first. I'll take care of it when we break for lunch." I replied.

"I can't say that's ever happened before."

"Not on your watch." I smirked at him. "And it was my fault. I probably should have waited till I was behind them before I started yelling at them."

"Probably." He smirked back at me.

"Lesson learned." I added and laughed.

He laughed lightly before the room grew too quiet. The firing had died down. "Reload! You are not leaving here without at least hitting the damn target."

They were lousy shots but there were a couple that showed promise. Edward, an Erudite, picked up on it as if he had been doing it his entire life. He wasn't hard on the eyes either. Peter wasn't horrible, disappointing me since I'd be perfectly happy if he had sucked at it. The others would learn, though I was worried for Myra and Terra. They were weak. I couldn't understand why they chose Dauntless to begin with.

When we broke for lunch, I momentarily left them, going to my apartment to clean myself up. The blood had made enough lines on my arm that it were as if my veins were on the outside of my body. They had dried and now looked rather grotesque. When I walked through the door, Eric was lying on the bed on his stomach. He was still, hugging my pillow underneath him. Smiling, I went to him, running my hand down his head before pressing a kiss against him.

"Baby." I whispered.

He stirred, rolling as he took a breath, letting it out slowly. "Hey." He whispered back. Running my hand up and down his chest, I bent down, kissing him slow and deep. "That's nice."

"Are you okay?" I asked him. "You don't usually nap during the day."

"I didn't sleep well. Especially when you decided to leave so early." He complained.

"I didn't sleep well either. I thought you were asleep when I left so I wasn't about to wake you." I told him.

"I don't expect you to." He said with a hard tone.

"I know." I replied gently, carefully treading since his tone had instantly turned dark. "I was just making un observation."

"I was just looking for a few minutes of sleep." He shot at me.

"Eric, what's going on?" I asked him, starting to feel annoyed. "What's with the attitude?"

"Attitude?" He frowned, sitting up. "I don't have an attitude."

"Then why are you talking to me like I did something wrong?" I frowned back as I stood. "I just walked in here. Into my home."

"Fine." He told me, moving toward the door. "I'll go."

"Fine." I shot back at him.

He was halfway to the door when he turned back, his expression dark. "I'm supposed to be a fucking leader of Dauntless. I'm supposed to show strength and power. Not weakness."

"When did you show weakness?" I frowned, trying to pinpoint where he was going with this.

"Every fucking day! To you!" He yelled, getting in my face.

Laughing, feeling anger boiling, I stood, "And we're back to blaming me. You can leave at any time, Eric. I'm not stopping you."

"You did though." He asked standing. "You did when you asked me to stay so I stayed."

"That was weeks ago!" I yelled at him. "You didn't have to keep staying! You can leave right now!"

"Now you're kicking me out?!" He yelled back.

"If you're going to act like a spoiled child, than yes! I didn't ask you to be here right now. I gave you the option and you seized it. You don't have to come here every night, you do that because you want to."

He laughed, "Because I want to."

"What the hell, Eric?!" I yelled at him. "What is the matter with you?"

"This is all your goddamn fault!"

"Get the fuck out and feel free to not come back. I'm not your girlfriend. You don't have to come back to me." I shot back at him. "I will not be blamed for whatever you've got going on today."

"Whatever." He said and left the room.

"What the hell?" I asked myself, going to the bathroom and forcefully washed the blood from my arm.

It had clotted but I had made some fresh blood start with my angry cleansing. Throwing the rag into the sink, I gripped the sides of it, frustrated with Eric. What the hell had happened today? Has he flipped his switch too much in the short time since the initiates arrived? Had Max said something else to him? Did Jeanine? Four? Jesus…Claude? Going to the Dining Hall, I found Claude and slammed into the seat next to her, ignoring the peas and grabbing several chicken legs, devouring them quickly. I didn't have a lot of time before training recommenced. I was overly eager now for them to start fighting. I needed the release now more than ever.

"What the hell happened to your arm?" Claude asked.

"One of the initiates shot me." I told her.

She burst with laughter, "Seriously?"

I couldn't help but laugh with her, "Seriously. And she's just a little thing. I made her jump and the next thing I knew I was hit."

"Which one?" She asked looking at the table of them.

Looking, they were all at the same table. "The redhead on the end."

"The one that looks like she's about to throw-up?"

Laughing again, I nodded, "That's the one."

"She's cute." Claude stated, now staring.

"Hey, slow down friend. You are not going to go after her." I stated.

"What? Why not?"

"Because she's small and weak. She's never going to make it."

"She will if I help her."

"Claude, its day one. Give her at least a week before you start to corrupt her. For me. Please."

She looked at me and frowned. "Fine. But if I'm not getting anything before then, I'm going after her."

"Be my guest." I smiled. "Shit, it's time already."

"Well, what took you so long?"

"Eric decided to have an attitude." I replied. She frowned up at me. "We fought. You should be happy." I frowned back. She just shrugged and nodded. "Bitch." I said shoving her before starting to move toward Four. "I'm so ready to teach them how to fight."

"Eric looked pissed." He commented.

"I'm pissed too." I replied. "Am I aloud to beat them up on their first day?"

"You already punched one." He smirked.

Frowning, I showed him my arm, "She shot me, remember?"

He laughed, "I do. Come on."

After they had all gathered, we led them to the training room. To them I'm sure it looked huge, with its wood floor that is cracked and creaky and has a large circle painted in the middle. The chalkboard is on the left wall, many were looking at it as if it were foreign to them. Dauntless weren't big on technology, training was always first. But they did stare at it when they realize that their names are on it, alphabetically. They take in the faded black punching bags hanging at three-foot intervals along one wall. They all lined up behind them while Four and I stood in the middle, where they can all see us.

"As I said this morning," Four started, "next you will learn how to fight. The purpose of this is to prepare you to act; to prepare your body to respond to threats and challenges—which you will need, if you intend to survive life as a Dauntless. We will go over technique today, and tomorrow you will start to fight each other." He told them, giving them a moment to let it sink in. "So I recommend that you pay attention. Those who don't learn fast will get hurt."

Four named off a few different punches, demonstrating each one first against the air and then against the punching bag. Eventually it will be against me as well, but they weren't ready for that yet. It was day one and they needed at least a slight chance to learn before they met flesh against flesh. Soon we incorporated kicks as well, though they were all only the basics. The longer we practiced, the more cringing I saw as the bag started to redden their skin. All but a few have little muscle. They would need to work harder in order to insure that they stayed.

All the while Four and I wandered through the crowd of initiates, watching as they repeated the movements over and over again. Stopping here and there to correct them. Edward was kind of amazing, making him the favorite already. He was nice to watch. Peter looked cocky but he still had a long way to go. I watched as Four stopped at Tris, his eyes following her body from head to feet. It wasn't in a lingering, wanting sort of way, but more of a judgement on her build and posture.

"You don't have much muscle." He told her. Which means you're better off using your knees and elbows. You can put more power behind them."

Not really knowing why it bothered me so, my eyes narrowed as he pressed his hand to her stomach. He whispered something to her but I couldn't hear it. When he stepped away from her, I quickly averted my gaze, once again pacing behind the initiates.

"Keep your hands up." I told Terra. "Use your hips as momentum. Twist them and you'll punch harder. You don't have a lot of muscle going for you so try using your elbows or knees." Four had just said the same thing to Tris. If I wanted Terra to stand a chance then she deserved the same advice. Especially since Claude had taken an instant liking to the girl.

When we're finally done for the day, I grabbed two plates of food and went to the parlor. Tori was just finishing up, offering me a warm smile. "Thank god. Last one for right now."

"Good. I can tell you about my first day with the initiates."

"Sounds good to me."

Settling down in the back, I delved into my day, though I was afraid that the most animated part of it was when I told her about Eric. I was still pissed about whatever stick got shoved up his ass. Though she found the part about me getting shot to be as humorous as Claude did.

"I'm sorry, but the best part is still you being shot by an initiate." She laughed.

"Shot?" A voice said making us both jump.

"What are you doing here?" I asked Eric. I didn't say it unkindly, but I was sure he could hear the annoyance in my voice.

"Still in a foul mood?" He asked with a raised brow.

Frowning, moving past annoyed and right to pissed, I stood, Tori gently gripping my wrist. "Me in a foul mood? I'm pretty sure you were the one who put me in a foul mood."

"And we're going to act like a child about it?" He shot at me.

"Again with the fact that I didn't ask you to be here. You came of your own accord."

"Pen." He said with an authoritative tone.

"No, Eric." I shot at him. "I'm not the one in need of an attitude adjustment. I haven't done anything to deserve it. If you're still going to act like the Eric everyone knows and hates, you should just go." He clenched his jaw but did as we was told, spinning and quickly leaving. "Seriously." I said turning back to Tori. She was smiling at me. "What?" I shot at her.

"Nothing." She smiled. "It's just that you've spent so much time defending him that it's nice to see you not giving in to him."

Raising a brow, I smiled down at her, "I'm not blinded by love, you know. And we fight more now that I'm not sleeping with him than we ever did before."

"That's called sexual frustration." She nodded at me.

Laughing, I shoved her. The new initiates were starting to filter in and out. Al, the big guy from Candor. He was too gentle to be here. He was the tallest and broadest of the initiates, with extremely dark brown eyes and bushy eyebrows. He looked older than sixteen but his kind face and clumsy ways made me worry for his place amongst us. Especially when I saw Bud tattooing a spider on his arm.

"You could have attempted to be original." I smirked at him.

"Pen." He said tensing at my presence.

"Relax." I frowned at him. "Training is done for the day. What do you think I'm going to do?"

"Do you work here?" Christina asked as she, Tris, and Will appeared.

"I do." I nodded. "I'm by far the best tattoo artist in this faction."

"You are from Amity." Tris stated.

Smiling, I attempted not to lose my temper with her. Her tone hadn't been in answering a question, it sounded almost like a judgment. For a moment I took in her new appearance. A knee-length black dress, eyeliner, and her hair was down in waves over her shoulder. It wasn't much, but it did the trick. If she wanted to fit in with us than I would treat her like one us. "And you're from Abnegation. I'm happy you left though." I told her. "I'll enjoy kicking your ass into submission. Remember, I have to report to others on how your training is going. Do you really want to piss me off on the first day?"

"I'm sorry." She said quickly.

Stepping closer to her, I crossed my arms. "I like that you have balls, Tris. They'll serve you well. I understand that you've never been able to be yourself until now. However, I will not tolerate any insubordination. You are not a member of Dauntless yet, which will save you for now. However, keep up this attitude with me and you will never make it to stage two. Am I clear?"

"I'm sorry." She repeated. "I really didn't mean anything by it."

"I hope not. I don't want to hate you, Tris." I told her with a smirk. "Especially not after the first day. My respect lost once is very hard to get back. You're the first jumper that earned you some points. It'd be wise of you not to ruin that so quickly."

"I understand." She told me.

I nodded, giving her the cue that she could walk away. She moved away from me, looking at the artwork that littered the walls, glancing at me every now and again. At least half of it or more was mine, making me hope she didn't pick one that was created by my own hand. Tori met my eyes, and I nodded at her with a clenched jaw. She nodded back, moving toward Tris.

"So, who else wants a tattoo?" I asked looking at Christina and Will.

It seemed like everyone was eager to brand their skin to make them more Dauntless. But it was fun talking to Christina and Will on a one on one basis. Christina was full of life, witty, and eager to please. She reminded me so much of Claude it was ridiculous. Then it occurred to me that they may actually know each other.

"Do you remember Claude Carpenter?" I asked her.

"Um, no, I don't think so. Was she Candor?"

"She was." I smiled. "Only now she is more Dauntless than the ones who are born into it."

"Best friend?" Will smiled.

"Beyond measure." I told him. "There's always a few you really bond with. If it's your competitiveness or your strengths or your weaknesses…there's always a few that you can never quite shake, that stick with you until the end."

"Hey." Henry said stepping up to me, pressing a kiss against my cheek, "Don't get too attached yet." He whispered in my ear.

"Guys, this is Henry. Dauntless-born and initiated the same year as me." I told them.

"Hello, Henry." Christina said eyeing him up and down.

He just grinned down at her, "Take a good look because it's never going to happen."

She immediately blushed while Will and I laughed at her. Henry winked at me. "What's up?" I asked him.

"Party time." He grinned. "And I was sure to get the good stuff."

I smiled up at him, "And this is why I love you."

"Yes, it has nothing to do with my amazing good looks and my charming personality." He said before leaving, being sure to annoy Tori on the way out.

Laughing, I shook my head before growing serious again, pointing my finger at them. "Never piss him off." I told them. "And I am completely serious. He is exactly what you just saw unless you piss him off and then you might as well run and hide and pray to god that he doesn't find you."

They both looked a little afraid. "Okay." They said in unison.

"Good." I smiled. "I'm kinda like that too but I'm more bark than bite. But if you ever do get physical with me, remember, I trained with Henry and he could kill." They were pretty quiet while I finished up their tattoos. They waited for Tris to be done and then they all took their leave. Stepping up to Tori, I crossed my arms. "Well?"

"She's Divergent." She replied softly. "And wants to talk."

"You said no right?" I frowned at her. "It's not safe for anyone. Plus you already have an obnoxious Divergent to keep you busy. Me."

She laughed, "So true. Now come on, I heard Henry say he got the good stuff."

After an evening of drinking and dancing, I was feeling pretty good when I made my way to my apartment. All in all it had been a decent day. For training at least. Nothing too horrible had happened and even though my arm stung whenever I made the wound on my arm crack, I was still excited about watching them grow and find themselves. Helping where I could, knowing that not all would make it to member status. But the whole experience was still fresh enough in my mind that I could help those who held promise. Or those that I felt deserved it. Since I'd already picked out the few I would do the absolute minimum for, that left plenty of others that would learn more by simply being a decent human being.

Opening the door to my home, I switched on a light to see Eric in my bed. He woke and turned to look at me. I grabbed clean clothes and went to the bathroom, taking a quick shower, spending extra time in front of the mirror, not feeling like going back out there just yet. Taking myself in, I was starting to look normal again, my most recent wounds fading. Sighing, unable to avoid him forever, I went out to see him sleeping, or at least appearing to be asleep. Shutting off the lights, I crawled into bed. Laying on my side, facing the edge of the bed, I didn't want to look at him, let alone touch him. Shutting my eyes, I was just starting to drift off when I felt his fingers against my back. Shrugging away from his touch, he sighed, rolling over so we were back to back. Feeling proud of myself for not forgiving him by him merely touching me, I fell asleep with a small smile on my lips.

When morning came, he was already gone. Running my hand along his side of the bed, it was still warm. I hadn't heard the door so it made me wonder if he was in the bathroom. Deciding that I didn't care, I laid there attempting to doze. When that failed, I finally got up and went to the bathroom. Sure enough, he was there, gripping the edge of the sink, his head bowed. Taking a few steps toward him, I saw the subtle shaking, his knuckles white. All my anger toward him melted away, leaving just a hint of annoyance waiting in the wings, just in case he wanted to go at it.

Stepping up to him, I gently put my hands against his back, running them across him as I wrapped my arms around him. For a moment he put his arm across mine, only then he turned and slammed me against the wall. He met my eyes with a look he'd never given me before. It wasn't anger or confusion or fear. It was almost as if he was completely empty. For the first time in a long time I actually felt a little afraid of him.

"Eric." I said raising my fingers to his face. "Where are you?" He released me, punching the wall before he left the room. Taking a steadying breath, I followed him, watching as he sat on the edge of the bed. "Eric, talk to me." I said gently. He sat looking at the blood from where his knuckles had broken open. Flinching, I looked at my arm, seeing red starting to move down my arm from the graze wound. Tentatively kneeling in front of him, I put my hands on his knees. "Baby, please just talk to me. It's like you're a completely different person since the initiates came and they just got here. You flipped your switch so fast and now I'm the one spinning. So tell me what's going on. Did someone say something to you? Did Max come down on you? What happened? Please, Eric." He wouldn't even meet my eyes. Taking his head in my hands, I made him. "Eric, tell me what's wrong. Tell me what happened. Please, baby."

"I have to go." He said swiftly putting his shirt on.

"No, Eric." I said gripping his arm, yanking on him so he would turn toward me. "You're being an asshole. Why?" He clenched his jaw, meeting my eyes. "Eric."

"I have to go." He repeated and left.

"Eric, don't –" I started but he was already gone.

Getting dressed, I went to get breakfast, sitting next to Claude and Henry, picking at my muffin without eating any of it. Soon it was just crumbs sitting in front of me. They had already picked up on my mood but were nice enough to not ask about it. Not that there was anything to tell. I had no idea what was going on. Without having eaten a bite, I stood and moved away from them, not having said as word to them since I sat down.

"You look like hell." Four told me when I walked in.

"I'm grumpy." I replied.

"Wanna talk about it?" He asked. I shot him a glare. "Okay, never mind." I just sighed and rolled my neck and shoulders. "You can spar with them today if you'd like. They'll be fighting each other but in between I'm sure they'd appreciate your help."

"I'll probably hurt them."

"What's the deal, Opie?" He asked. I just shrugged at him. "Opie."

"There is nothing to tell you because I myself don't even know." I replied with annoyance.

"Is this an Eric thing?" He asked with furrowed brows.

"Yeah." I told him bowing my head.

"Speak of the devil." He replied, watching as Eric walked toward us.

He had an evil smirk on his face. "I'll be watching the new initiates today."

"Glad to have you here." Four retorted with obvious sarcasm. "Pen." He said taking my hand and leading me away from our leader. Soon the initiates came and made an arch around us as we stood by the chalkboard. "Since there are an odd number of you, one of you won't be fighting today." Four told them, stepping away from the board in the training room. He gave Tris a look. The space next to her name is blank. "Get moving, Will and Al, you're up."

Will and Al moved to the arena, standing across from each other. They put their hands up by their faces to protect themselves, as Four had taught them, and shuffled in a circle around each other. Al stood half a foot taller than Will, and twice as broad. Everything about Al is big, making him look menacing but he's too afraid to use his natural assets to his advantage.

"Get a move on it." I called out to them. If this is what Eric was here for I wanted it done and him gone as soon as possible.

Watching as Al punched Will hard in the jaw, I see Eric smirk from across the room. He glanced at me and I quickly averted my eyes. Paying attention to what was happening in the arena, I watched as Will stumbled to the side, one hand pressed to his face, and blocked Al's next punch with his free hand. Judging by his grimace, he's just learned that blocking punches can be just as painful as a blow would have been. Al may be slow, but he's powerful. If only he took advantage of it.

They faced each other for a few more seconds, more hesitant than they were before. It took all of me not to encourage them in some way. They needed to get it over with. Will flicked his pale hair from his eyes. They glanced at Four like they're waiting for him to call the fight off, but he stood with his arms folded, giving no response. Then they look to me on the opposite side, hoping I would give something away. I raised a brow at them, Will seemed to understand but Al looked more confused than ever. And then I watch Eric check his watch.

After a few seconds of circling, Eric shouted at them, "Do you think this is a leisure activity? Should we break for nap-time? Fight each other!"

"But…" Al straightened, letting his hands down, and replied, "Is it scored or something? When does the fight end?"

"It ends when one of you is unable to continue." Eric told him with annoyance.

"According to Dauntless rules," Four added, "one of you could also concede."

Eric narrowed his eyes at Four. "According to the old rules. In the new rules, no one concedes."

"A brave man acknowledges the strength of others." Four replied.

"A brave man never surrenders."

They stare off for a few seconds, enough for my annoyance to spike. "Are we here for a pissing contest?" I shot across the arena at them. "Because I thought we were here to teach these initiates how to fight. I'm all for watching them beat the shit out each other, but they don't need to see you two squaring off. So either take it outside or shut the hell up." All eyes were now on me. I had just overstepped my bounds and I knew it. Both Four and Eric looked at me with anger. It was like good and evil were attempting to win and I just didn't want to deal with it. "Boys, get on with it." I told Will and Al. "You heard him. No conceding. If you want it to end, take a hit. Only that will also reflect on your scores. So decide and act. We don't have all day." Al wiped sweat from his forehead. He was starting to freak out. "Al." I said. "Reign it in and get on with it."

"This is ridiculous." Al said as he shook his head. "What's the point of beating him up? We're in the same faction!"

"Oh, you think it's going to be that easy?" Will asked with a grin. "Go on. Try to hit me, slowpoke."

"That's the spirit. Come on, Will." I said shifting, keeping my eyes on them so I wouldn't look at my best friend and at this point I was pretty sure my ex-lover.

Will put his hands up again and I can tell that now he wants it. He's finally showing determination. Al tries a punch, and Will ducked underneath it, the back of his neck shining with sweat. He dodged another punch, slipping around Al and kicking him hard in the back. Al lurched forward and turned. He charged at Will, grabbing his arm so he can't slip away, and punched him hard in the jaw. I had to flinch at the sound of it. Will's eyes dimmed, rolled back into his head and all the tension from his body fell away. He slipped from Al's grasp, dead weight, and crumpled to the floor. Al's eyes widened, and he crouches next to Will, tapping his cheek with one hand. The room fell silent as they waited for Will to respond. Moving to him, I knelt at his side, checking his vitals and such as I took his arm out from underneath him. For a few seconds, nothing happened, but then he blinked, looking at me with a dazed expression.

"Having fun yet?" I smiled at him.

"Get him up." Eric ordered. He had an odd expression on his face. Like a vulture circling its next meal. Four turned to the chalkboard and circled Al's name. Victory. "Next up—Molly and Christina!"

I frowned at him, helping Al get Will onto his feet, draping his arms across our shoulders as he removed him from the arena. Christina cracked her knuckles as she stepped into the arena. Molly had already earned the nickname "The Tank" and it fit. She was large and broad where Christina was narrow but tall. She could win if she set her mind to it. But these teenagers were new to this. They'd never fought anyone before and now they were forced to face off and bring each other down. It wasn't a fun feeling.

Four stepped up to me, taking Will round his waist. "Keep an eye on them. And don't let Eric do anything stupid." He told me softly.

I nodded at him, smiling, "I've got this."

"Don't let him get to you." He added before he was gone.

Turning my focus back to the arena, Christina tucked her hair behind her ears before cracking another knuckle. She was trying to act tough but the only thing I saw was nerves. After watching what happened to Will, I was sure she wasn't overly eager to take on someone larger and more powerful than she was.

Though Christina proved to be a fighter, making the first move as she kicked Molly in the side, causing her to gasp and grit her teeth as if a snarl was going to escape her. A strand of hair falls in her face and she doesn't even bother to brush it away. The beast in her was about to be released. Taking a step closer, I crossed my arms, ready to spring if I had to, to stop anything catastrophic from happening. Glancing at Eric, he was staring at me, a hard expression on his face. Trying to glare, I couldn't manage anything more than a pained expression.

Blinking repeatedly, I turned my attention back to the fight at hand where Molly was smirking at Christina, and without warning, dove, hands outstretched, at Christina's midsection. She hit her hard, knocking her down, and pinned her to the ground. Christina thrashed, but Molly is heavy and didn't budge.

She punched, and Christina moved her head out of the way, but Molly just punches again, and again, until her fist hits Christina's jaw, her nose, her mouth. Shifting, it was hard to watch. Christina was getting pummeled and there was nothing I could do unless I wanted to bring Eric's wrath down on top of me. Which at the moment wouldn't bother me, he needed to get out whatever was going on with him and out of everyone it might as well be me. Frowning further, I watched as blood ran down the side of Christina's face and splatters on the ground next to her cheek.

"Jesus." I said wanting to avert my eyes but I couldn't.

Christina screamed and dragged one of her arms free. She punched Molly in the ear, knocking her off-balance, and wriggled free. She moved to her knees, holding her face with one hand. The blood streaming from her nose is thick and dark and covers her fingers in seconds. She screamed again and crawled away from Molly.

"Just pass out already." I said under my breath.

Molly kicked Christina's side, sending her sprawling onto her back. "Stop!" Wailed Christina as Molly pulled her foot back to kick again. She holds out a hand. "Stop! I'm…" She coughed. "I'm done."

Molly smiled while I stood there and shook my head. Swiftly moving to Christina, I put my hands on her arms. "It's okay. You're okay. Let's get you out of here." I told her softly. Glancing up, Eric was slowly moving toward us, standing over us with his arms folded. "Back off." I told him.

He laughed lightly, speaking quietly, "I'm sorry, what did you say? You're done?"

"Back off, Eric." I told him again.

Christina was on her knees, she had already spilled so much blood that when she pinched her nose to stop the bleeding, a bloody handprint was left on the floor. She nodded to him, she was done.

"Get up." He told her. His voice quiet and his words precise.

"Eric, she's done." I retorted. "Eric." I said just below a shout as he grabbed Cristina's arm, yanking her to her feet and dragging her toward the door. "Eric, stop."

"Follow me." He said to the rest of us.

He led us to the Chasm. Gripping his wrist, he stopped and looked at me. "Stop this. Whatever you're thinking, just stop."

He pulled free from me, standing near the railing. Since it was midafternoon, the Pit was almost empty. Even if there were, I doubted anyone would do anything to stop whatever Eric was about to do.

He looked at me before shoving Christina against the railing. "Climb over it."

"What?" Christina asked like she expected him to relent, but her wide eyes and ashen face suggested otherwise. Eric wasn't one to back down.

"Eric." I said stepping closer to him. "This isn't necessary."

"Climb over the railing." He repeated to Christina, saying each word slowly. "If you can hang over the chasm for five minutes, I will forget your cowardice. If you can't, I will not allow you to continue initiation."

"Eric." I said through clenched teeth.

He didn't budge. Looking at Christina, she was taking in the narrow, metal railing. The spray from the river coated it, making it slippery and cold. Both would make holding on for five minutes difficult. She has two options, decide to become factionless, or risk her life.

"Fine." She said with a shaky voice.

She's tall enough to swing her leg over the railing. I held my breath as her foot shook. Putting her toe on the ledge as she lifted her other leg over. Facing us, she wiped her hands on her pants and held onto the railing so hard her knuckles turn white. Then she takes one foot off the ledge. Then the other. She looked determined, but I knew that it wouldn't last long.

"This isn't necessary." I said to Eric softly.

"If you continue to undermine me in this I'll put you right next to her." He replied harshly.

"It's so nice to see that the old Eric is back in full swing." I glared at him.

Squatting down by Christina, she was holding on. Her arms weren't shaking yet and she was firmly gripping the railing. Only then the river hit the wall and white water sprays against her back. Her face struck the barrier and she cried out. Her hands slipped so she was holding on by just her fingertips. She tried to get better grip, but now her hands are wet.

"You've got this." I told her. She met my eyes, nodding. "This is easy. You can handle this."

"Pen." Eric told me.

Glaring at him, I wasn't going to let him stop me, I wasn't touching her. "Just hold on." I said looking at Christina again.

She nodded but then her expression crumpled and she let out a sob that is louder than the river, making my heart start to race. I wasn't about to let her fall. Preparing myself to lunge for her if I had to, I watched as another wave hit the wall and the spray coated her body. Her hands slipped again, and this time, one of them fell from the railing, so she's hanging on by only four fingertips.

"Come on, Christina." Al called out to her. She looked at him. He claps. "Come on, grab it again. You can do it. Grab it."

"You can do it, this is easy." I told her.

She swung her arm, fumbling for the railing. No one else was cheering her on, but Al brought his big hands together and shouts, his eyes holding hers.

"One minute left." Tris called.

"Hear that? One more." I told her. Christina's other hand found the railing again. Her arms shake so hard it made me fear that she would fail in the last few moments of her test. "Less than a minute."

"Come on, Christina." Tris and Al said together, her voice growing in strength.

"Seconds, Christina. That's all you've got." I told her as another wave of water splashes against her back. But she was still hanging on. She grabbed the bars of the barrier.

"Five minutes are up." Al told Eric, practically spitting the words at him.

Eric checked his own watch. Taking his time, tilting his wrist, he finally spoke, "Fine. You can come up, Christina." Al walked toward the railing as I reached down for her. "No." Eric shot at us. "She has to do it on her own."

"No, she doesn't." Al growled. "She did what you said. She's not a coward. She did what you said."

Eric didn't respond. Al reached over the railing, using his size to her advantage as he gripped her wrist. She grabbed his forearm and allowed him to pull her up. I gripped her as soon as she was in reach; Tris as well as we hauled her over the barrier. She dropped to the ground, her face still blood-smeared from the fight, her back soaking wet, her body quivering.

"It's okay." I told her, swiftly checking her over. "You're gonna be okay."

"Everyone back to the training room." Eric told them. All did as they were told except for the four of us that were still on the ground. "Get moving." He told Al and Tris.

"I'm going to take her to the infirmary." I told him, standing over Christina protectively.

"She can suffer through it." He replied.

"No." I shot at him. "She's had enough for the day. She did what you demanded. I'm taking her to the infirmary. If I see Four I'll be sure to send him back to the training room to relieve you from babysitting them." He clenched his jaw before walking away. Bending down, I put her arm around my shoulders, hoisting her to her feet. "Come on. I'll make it all better."

It was slow going but she was holding her own. "Thank you." She finally told me, breaking the silence. "You're the only one I've see stand up to him."

"You haven't been here very long." I stated.

"No." She replied. "But I still don't think anyone else beneath him would dare talk to him the way you do."

"Well, believe it or not, he has his moments where he's actually a decent human being." I told her, not wanting them to hate him just yet. Even though I was having trouble with that myself right now.

"Something that I think he shows only to you." She replied.

I frowned at her. "You don't know anyone well enough to make such judgments."

"I know. But from what everyone says about him and about you, it makes sense."

"What do they say about me?" I smirked, curious.

"That you're tough as nails." She grinned. "And that you are stubborn and have a short temper. Something that if you trigger you might as well make a run for it otherwise you'll end up right where we're going."

Laughing, I nodded. "I'm kind of awesome then."

"They also say that you're one of the kindest that Dauntless has had. Something refreshing from the hard ways that they've been taught."

"Who the hell have you been talking to?" I frowned.

"I hear things." She smiled.

"Well stop. Make your own judgments about us all on your own."

"I am."

Frowning, I dug my finger into her side, making her flinch. "Then stop looking at me like to know me."

She frowned at me, gently touching where my finger had just been. "So far what they've said is true."

Laughing, I shook my head. "Fine. I'll attempt to behave."

"That's not very Dauntless of you." She smirked.

Finally making it to the infirmary, I spent the remainder of the day tending to Christina. Giving her IV fluids and something to relax her. She was going to be sore for a while. I did not envy her in the slightest. Sitting with her, it was nice to get to know her. My hard demeanor wasn't needed here and it appeared she appreciated a little laughter and attention.

When I felt like she had recovered enough, I escorted her back to the dormitory, lingering in the doorway as she reunited with Tris, Will, and Al. It made me think of my own trio. Claude, Henry, and myself. Christina turned and smiled at me, nodding, I turned to come face to face with Edward.

"Excuse me." I told him.

"Stay." He smirked.

"Get the fuck out of my way before I put you on the ground." I smiled. His face fell and he stepped aside.

"Listening to a girl now?" Peter grinned.

"He knows what's good for him." I said turning to look at Peter. "I look forward to teaching you that lesson as well."

"You can teach me anything." He replied with a wink.

Stepping up to him, I leaned down, bringing my face closer to his. Heat rose in his cheeks. For a moment I just took him in, then I head-butted him as hard as I could, knocking him off his bed. The rest burst with laughter.

"Remember to always clench your teeth and press your tongue against them. It makes it hurt less." I told the room before leaving.

Peter was a complete and total tool. He would do everything he had to do to become a member. That scared me. I'd have to keep an eye on him just to make sure the others remained safe. They were lucky he wasn't half bad; otherwise I'd have to warn them to watch their backs.

Silently thanking Christina for getting her ass beat, it was late and I was exhausted by the time I finally opened the door to my home. Stepping in, I sighed, turning on the light to see Eric standing in front of me. His face was expressionless and his hands were crossed in front of him.

"I'm tired, Eric." I told him. He just looked at me. Feeling a wave of emotion, I sighed, stepping up to him. "Are you going to talk to me yet?" Reaching my hand up, before I could place it against his face he hit me, sending me to my hands and knees. Staring at the floor, dazed, I side sat and looked up at him.

"Never speak to me that way again in front of the initiates. You are barely better than they are. Your job is to help train them. That is all. Are we clear?"

"Yes." I replied, glad that my voice was strong and not agonized like I felt inside.

He nodded and left, slamming the door on the way out. Moving against the wall, I brought my knees up, draping one arm over them while I gently touched my cheek with the other. Sighing, I stared ahead, wondering what the hell I did. Why was he acting this way? What was going on? But then I couldn't help but laugh. This was the Eric everyone warned me about. This was the Eric that everyone wanted me to see. The one I knew was inside of him. He had come back with a vengeance.


	11. Confusion Amass

It was a couple hours later when the door opened and Four came striding in. I hadn't moved, I still sat, staring at nothing. He paced in front of me, before finding a place against the wall next to me. He turned his torso and gently touched my cheek with his thumb.

"I'm fine." I told him, taking his hand away from my face.

"Why?" He asked.

"I don't know."

"He didn't say anything?"

"He basically told me not to speak to him. At least that's what I got out of it."

"Why?"

"I don't know, Tobias." I shot at him angrily. "I don't know what I did. I don't know what I said. I just don't know! I don't know why! All I did was try to talk to him! All I wanted was to show him that someone actually cares about him! I just – I wanted to – and now –"

"I know." He nodded putting his arm around me.

"I know who he is. I know that this is for the best, but you just don't understand, Four. This is so confusing."

"I know." He repeated.

"You don't though." I frowned at him.

He pressed a kiss against my forehead, "It's going to be okay."

"Sure." I said resting my head against his shoulder.

With only a few hours left to sleep, Four went to his apartment, telling me that I needed some rest. He was right, but it wasn't going to happen. My mind was still alive and my cheek and eye throbbed every time I moved. Slowly getting to my feet, my body ached from being in the same position all night. Showering, I made my way to the Dining Hall, finding Claude sitting with Henry and a much happier looking Terra.

"I am so sorry." She told me as soon as I sat next to Claude.

"Stop." I smiled.

"What happened to your face?" Claude asked, gripping my chin and turning my face so she could see it better.

It had bruised a good portion of my eye and temple, creeping down across my cheek. It was a dark bruise too. Not like when I got punched out by the creep in the infirmary. It was obvious. The hit had been completely intentional. To cause me pain and to make sure I remembered the lesson that was associated with it. Good thing I was a member of Dauntless and bruises were common.

"Nothing, it's fine." I told her.

"You look like hell." Henry stated.

Attempting not to let my temper start to rise, I nodded at him, "Yeah, I know."

"She didn't sleep last night." Four interrupted. "Come on; let's get to the training room before the initiates arrive."

Standing, I grabbed a muffin before walking away from the others. Nibbling on it as we walked, I could see Four's worried look out of the corner of my eye. It was a very clear and obvious expression. Sighing, I glared at him, not wanting to talk about it or dwell on the fact that my non-boyfriend-ex-lover hit me harder than I'd been hit in a long time. On purpose anyway.

"Can we not dwell on it?" I asked.

He nodded, putting his arm around me. Sighing, I did the same, smiling at him as we stepped into the training room. Then my heart fell, seeing Eric standing in front of the chalkboard, writing the names of who would fight who today.

"Isn't that my job?" Four asked.

"Yeah." Eric replied. "But my pairing is more interesting."

He turned his head and did a double-take when he saw me. I could see him tense and I couldn't decide if that was a good or bad thing. Part of me thought he was going to come after me, but then I realized that that was completely ridiculous. Despite the past couple days; I still didn't think that he would seriously hurt me. Then I mentally kicked myself since he had hurt me. I was just trying to see something that wasn't there.

"Are you going to be here all day?" Four asked.

"I plan to. Unless something more interesting happens." He replied.

"Like beating women?" I shot at him, meeting his eyes. He clenched his jaw. "Like mind games? Because watching initiates beat the shit out of each other is way more interesting than both of those things."

Four stepped up to me. "Opie, calm down."

"Why?" I shot at him. "Why should I calm down when I'm not the one with the fucking problem?! He's the one who has something going on! He's the one who needs to look in the fucking mirror so he can finally place the blame where it belongs! And stop putting it on those who are just trying to help him!"

Pushing against Four, he held me back, "Take a walk."

Meeting his eyes, I nodded, moving toward the door. Stopping, I looked back at Eric. He gave nothing away. "I was never asking for anything, Eric." I told him, taking a line out of his book. "Only for you to talk to me."

Leaving, I could hear the initiates coming. Turning down a hall, I hid in the shadows as they passed me by. I didn't want them to see me upset. I didn't want to be upset. Taking a deep breath, I moved to the control room, going inside and looking for Claude. Finding her monitoring the screens, I rushed to her side.

"I need to talk to you." I told her.

"Pen, what is it?" She frowned.

"Pen." Max's voice said from behind me.

Straightening, I looked at him. "I'm sorry. I just need a few minutes of her time." He nodded. "Thank you." Gripping her wrist, I pulled her from the room and out into the hall. Pacing in front of her, I nodded, trying to decide why I was even here. "It was Eric." I told her.

"Your face?" She frowned.

"I don't know what is going on, Claude. I don't know if he's being put up to this or if he's really been playing me all along. I thought it was just a onetime thing, and it's only been a couple days but he's not supposed to be like this. Not with me."

"Keep your voice down." Claude told me.

"I know." I nodded. "Sorry. I'm just gonna go." I told her and walked away.

"Pen." She called after me. "Pen!"

"It's fine." I told her over my shoulder.

"Where are you going?" She asked.

"I have initiates to help train." I replied still walking away.

"I don't think that's a good idea!" She yelled after me.

I just waved my hand over my shoulder before I was out of sight. Going back to the training room, I was just in time to see Molly peeling herself off the floor, Edward standing at the opposite end of the arena. I watched Eric circle Edward's name on the board.

"Hey." I said to Four as I stepped next to him as he leaned against the doorframe.

"You pull yourself together?" He asked softly.

"About as together as I am gonna get today."

"What the hell?" He asked.

"I lost my temper. It happens. You of all people should know." I told him.

He nodded, gently nudging me, his subtle way of comforting me. Forcing a smile for him, we both looked at the arena. Tris is up next. She's set to fight Peter. Some cruel joke on Eric's part. Tris looked absolutely terrified and I couldn't blame her. Peter was going to wipe the floor with her, more than likely sweeping her own blood along with it. She was doomed. There was no way in hell she was going to be able to beat him.

She walked to the center of the arena just as Peter does, smiling at her. "You okay there, Stiff? You look like you're about to cry. I might go easy on you if you cry."

I clenched my jaw and for a moment met Four's eyes. Tris is looking at us, not sure if she's expecting us to tell them to start or what. Four and I are anxious while Eric stood tapping his foot with boredom as he waited for them to start. Peter seemed to sense it, bringing his hands up by his face, his elbows bent. Bending his knees, getting ready to spring.

"Come on, Stiff." He taunted, his eyes glinting. "Just one little tear. Maybe some begging."

His goading works, she attempted to kick him in the side only he caught her foot and yanked it forward, knocking her off-balance. She fell onto her back, pulling her foot free, scrambling to her feet.

"Stop playing with her." Eric snapped. "I don't have all day."

Peter loses his mischievous look and he quickly punched her in the face. Hard too, since Tris looked dazed. He kicks her hard in the stomach as she attempted to move away from him. She didn't have enough time to recover. I can imagine the air leaving her lungs before she falls to the floor. She attempted to pick herself up but Peter gripped her hair with one hand, punching her in the nose with the other. She slapped at his arms, fear taking her over, and he punched her again, this time in the ribs. This was brutal and hard to watch. Blood is running from her nose but I don't think she really gets what's happening. After those hits her vision is probably swimming and we'd be lucky if she knew where she was.

Peter shoved her down, her hands audibly scrapping on the ground. She coughed and dragged herself to her feet. She's trying so hard to put effort into it but she had lost the second she had faced him. He hits her again in the side and she nearly fell again. Shaking my head, I looked at Four. He's tense, the muscles in his arm flexed as if he wants to act. Rocking side to side, I look back at the initiates. Tris is on her feet, facing Peter, but I'm almost certain she's not seeing him anymore. She punches as hard as she can; hitting his arm but it was pointless. He smacks her ear with the flat of his palm, laughing under his breath.

Blood is covering her face now. "This needs to end." I told Four.

"I know."

"Then do something."

"What do you want me to do?" He shot at me.

"I don't know." I replied. He turned, pushing the door open and walking out. "But that wasn't what I meant." I watched Tris fall to her knees before she's on her stomach. Peter kicks her in her side. I couldn't take any more. "Enough!" I shouted as I rushed into the arena. "Back off." I said shoving Peter hard in the chest. He just grinned at me but did what he was told. "Al." I said motioning to him. "Get her to the infirmary. I won't be far behind you."

"Okay." He nodded and gently picked her up off the ground. She was out cold.

"Everyone, take a break." I told the other initiates. As soon as they were out of earshot, I stepped up to Eric. "Are you happy now? Two days in a row an initiate has gone to the infirmary. That isn't learning, Eric. It's torture."

"They'll learn just fine." He replied with a raised brow.

Looking at him sadly, I shook my head at him, "All I wanted was to see some good in you. I thought I had. But I was clearly mistaken."

"Clearly." He shot back.

"You're such a disappointment." I told him sadly, seeing just the slightest of flickers in his eyes.

Walking away from him, I caught up to Al, having him put Tris on the far bed for more privacy. I didn't need members coming to see how beat up the initiates were. They were already watching, a few lingering by the door. Pulling the curtain to make it as private as possible, I sent Al back to the training room. I was sure the fighting would continue, but I wasn't going to leave her. This was ridiculous, I was supposed to be helping train them but instead all I was doing was treating the wounds that they were forced to inflict on each other. I remembered the fighting, but this seemed far more brutal for some reason.

Wiping the blood from her face, bruising was already starting to seep across it and her ribs and abdomen. She was going to hurt like hell tomorrow. I could only imagine what she was going to have to endure. Though by the days end, Terra had also joined us, though she was conscious. Myra wasn't much of a fighter but anyone could beat Terra. She wasn't going to last long. Not unless she managed to turn it around somehow. Something that I thought would be nearly impossible. It still boggled my mind why she chose Dauntless.

"How you doing?" Henry asked, handing me a plate from dinner.

"I'm exhausted." I smiled.

"They've kept you busy." He stated as he leaned against the nursing station.

Claude was here as well, but she was busy flirting with Terra. It was adorable but I worried for her since Terra was not going to make it. But how was I going to tell Claude that? She wasn't going to listen to me.

"Hey." Henry said running his hand down my hair.

"I'm sorry." I told him. "I just really could use some sleep."

"Then go get some." He demanded. "You've done all you can."

Nodding, I stood, waving at Claude and kissing Henry's cheek before I left. Slowly making my way to my apartment, I passed Eric in the hall. It was as if we were both moving in slow motion, our eyes meeting, staring as we passed, our heads turning to make it last longer. My fingers unconsciously moved toward his hand. But his didn't reach for mine. As soon as he was out of sight, I let out the breath I had been holding, wanting my bed more than ever. Stepping through the door, Four was standing at the balcony, looking out over the city.

"You're home." He smiled.

"Busy day. You weren't around for much of it." I replied.

"I couldn't watch any more of it."

"You could have stopped it."

"How? Eric wasn't going to let me stop it."

Sighing, I nodded, "I know."

"Has he talked to you?"

"Nope."

"Do you want him to?"

"Not so much anymore." I replied honestly.

He smiled, taking my head in his hands and kissed my forehead. "Get some sleep. Take tomorrow off. We're just going to the fence and you don't need to go there." Nodding, I put my hand over his. "It's always harder when you see people you know."

"I think I'll take you up on that."

"Good." He said with raised brows. "And stay away from Eric."

Laughing lightly, I nodded, "No problem there."

Come morning, I didn't feel much like getting up. Four and the initiates were probably already gone and Dauntless seemed quiet. Sighing, I showered and made my way to the Parlor; if anything I could occupy myself with art. Veering off, I decided to check the infirmary to see if anyone had lingered. Tris nor Terra was there, no one else for that matter. I was about to leave when a half dozen of our soldiers appeared carrying three men. Turning to follow them, one more appeared. Eric. He was massaging his hand, blood covering it. There was a small cut to the side of his forehead, a slow drop of blood making its way down his temple. Frowning, I unconsciously reached my hand up, but stopped and turned away from him.

"What happened?" I asked the soldiers.

"There was a confrontation." One replied.

"Too bad we don't have any peace serum." I smirked at them.

They gave a short laugh and nodded. "Will you need us for anything?" Another asked.

"Is there any breaks or heavy bleeding? Any hits that might cause bleeding internally?"

"I don't think so." She replied. "Pretty sure it's all superficial."

"Then I should be good." I replied. "As long as they don't pitch a fit."

"We won't." One of the injured replied.

Getting to work, the soldier had been right. Their injuries only needed cleaning and a bandage or two. They'd be fine. When I asked what the confrontation was about they all told me it was nothing. Just a misunderstanding that got out of hand. Though I caught one or more of them shooting quick glances at Eric. It wasn't hard to figure out that all of this was done by his hands. He just couldn't help himself. He had to cause trouble. Why the hell couldn't he just learn that if he showed everyone his kinder side than his life would get better? If he could learn to just stop fighting it. I don't care what they want him to do, if he would just show a little kindness than things could be different. Dauntless are known for their vivaciousness and their ability to have fun. But Eric just showed us how hard and malicious we could be. Why couldn't he lighten up? More than that why couldn't he just be that way with me? This hardness was torture, especially after the gentleness and kindness he'd shown me already. To have him become the opposite was more painful that I ever thought it would be.

When all the others were tended to, Eric still lingered, blood still covering his hand and now his face. He was just standing there, watching me. Sighing, I motioned to a bed. He sat down, looking at his hand. Holding mine out to him, he met my eyes before slowly putting his into it. The touch of his skin made a shiver run through me. Sighing again, I started to gently clean the blood from his hand. Taking it in both of mine, I looked at the cuts, they were superficial and nothing that he wasn't used to. Moving to his face, I cleaned the trail of blood, dabbing at the cut. It had already stopped bleeding. He'd be fine, as usual.

Feeling a wave of disappointment when I was done, I met his eyes as I took his head in my hands. I could feel him tense. Looking at him sadly, I placed a long kiss against his forehead. "All better." I told him and walked away.

Taking a deep breath as soon as he was out of sight, I nodded to myself. It wasn't much but it was enough. Even if he didn't care anymore, I wanted him to know that I still did. Even though I knew that I shouldn't. But I wasn't going to let anyone make decisions for me. And if it was a mistake then it was mine to make and I would live with the consequences. Me. Not anyone else.

"Hey, no fieldtrip today?" Tori asked.

"No." I replied. "Four offered the opportunity to stay behind, so I did."

"Too close to home?"

I nodded, "And I needed the break. This group is different. The training procedure is different. I know we had to fight but I don't remember it being this brutal." I told her as I lounged in a chair. "Was it always this brutal?"

"No." She smiled. "It's been a slow day. I'm not sure what you wanna do. Is that blood?" She frowned seeing my hand.

"Right." I said washing them. "I was at the infirmary and a few people showed up."

"A few people?" She asked. "And you left with blood on our hands?"

"Eric was one of them."

"He okay?" She asked for my benefit.

"He's fine." I replied.

"Did he finally say something?"

"Not a word."

"Did you?"

"Nothing important."

"Pen."

"Tori." I frowned. "Nothing happened. I didn't jump him on a bed and have my way with him. I'm just as angry with him today as I was yesterday."

"And you're hurting because of it." She stated.

"That's none of your business." I shot at her. "You didn't want me involved as it is and now I'm not. You should be happy. I think I'd prefer you be honest about the situation instead of this fake empathy you've got going on. I'm fine. I'll be fine." I told her. "Without him."

"Why is it that you won't let anyone look out for you?" She frowned back. "I know that you care about him and that this is hard for you, but we're just trying to keep the damage to a minimum."

"Sorry." I told her, though she didn't look like she believed me. "I am, Tori. I am sorry. It's just – I've never felt like this about anyone and to have him dismiss me without cause is leaving me feeling sad and confused."

"It's not just sex anymore, is it?" She asked gently.

"No." I told her.

"Find Claude and Henry, go try and relax." She told me.

Nodding at her, I took a deep breath, "That would be nice but Henry is on the fieldtrip and Claude is busy in the control room."

"Go see her."

"Eric will be there." I stated.

"Maybe it's time you talk to him."

"I can't." I frowned. "If I try to all the feelings I have for him will rush back and I will want to be with him. Even if he hits me. And that's not normal. That's not right. He doesn't even seem sorry about what he did. He doesn't care what I think or what he's doing to me. But I want him, Tori. That's wrong and I know that but – it's even more than want – Tori, I _need_ him."

"Stop it." She said holding up her hands. "Just stop, I don't want to hear it. I get that you have feelings for him but it's over, it's done, let him go. Pen, you just have to let him go."

Nodding, I turned and left, not feeling like I needed to take a beating for being honest with her. She was one of the few people I was completely and totally honest with and all I wanted to do was talk to her. Why won't anyone talk to me? Feeling like I needed to breakdown, I went to the training room and started to punch the shit out of the bag, feeling my knuckles start to break open, my blood smearing across it. When the pain was enough that my fingers were starting to feel numb, I stopped, shaking them out, droplets of blood flying from them.

"Shit." I said making my way to the infirmary. Cleaning my hands, wrapping them, I sat on a bed, contemplating my life. "I don't care about him. I don't care about him. I don't, I don't, I don't. He's not worth it. He's not worth it. He's not, he's not, he's not."

"Hey." Tori said coming in.

"Are you going to argue with me again?" I shot at her. "Because I'm really not in the mood. I don't need you to tell me how stupid I am and how much better off I am without him. It's not up to you and I'm not stupid. I know better. I do. But you don't spend months with someone and then just forget them because some shit goes down. You do not get to judge me or look down on me or tell me something you think I need to hear. I don't need to hear it. I'm done hearing it."

"Don't be stubborn about this. And don't lose your temper. You wanted to talk to me and I blew you off. But I'm here to listen."

"I have nothing more to say to you." I told her. "I love you, Tori. You're family and you always will be, but I cannot keep going rounds with you. Not on this subject."

"That's why I brought back up." She said and Eric appeared behind her.

"What the hell, Tori?!" I yelled at her. "I'm confused enough and now you think you can just bring him to me and everything will be okay?! Both of you can go screw yourselves!"

"Stop." Eric frowned stepping toward me.

"No!" I shot at him. "You don't just get to come in here and tell me to stop! You have no power over me."

"Clearly." He frowned down at me. "Just like you have none over me."

"I'm yelling at you! Why the hell aren't you yelling back?!" I shot at him.

"I deserve to be yelled at." He nodded. "You don't."

"Damn right I don't!" I yelled and started to pace. "I didn't do a damn thing and then you fucking hit me! Treating me like I'm nothing! Making me _feel_ like nothing!" Pausing, I took a deep steadying breath, lowering my voice. "I don't deserve it, Eric. So why are you standing in front of me? I've been asking you to speak to me and you keep pushing me away. Are you going to speak to me now?"

"I hurt you." He nodded. "I get that. But you don't understand."

"You're right! I don't understand! You once called me confusing but you are the confusing one!" I told him, yelling again.

"Stop yelling at me!" He finally yelled back. "I have a lot I want to say."

Nodding, for a moment excitement filled me. I wanted to know what he had to say. I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted him to touch me. But then there was an overwhelming sense of anger. He shows up here and expected me to listen to him, fall into his arms, and go right back to being happy with him. Well, I wasn't going to do it. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction.

"You know what?" I smiled, throwing up my hands. "I don't even care anymore. I'm not going to feel like shit about myself because the guy I care about treats me that way. You hit me, Eric. And it wasn't a hit to teach me a lesson. It was a hit to cause me pain and it hurts. It hurts, Eric. And that's your fault. Everyone wanted me to see you for who you really are and I defended you. I defended you until I couldn't anymore. The moment I couldn't was when you hit me. How can I defend a man who hits me for just trying to be close to him?"

"Pen –"

"No, Eric!" I said stopping him. "I'm done. I don't want to beat myself up for wanting to be with you. You've done enough of that for the both of us." I told him and left.

"Pen!" Tori said following me. "I thought you wanted him to talk to you? It took a lot of talking to get him to come here. He thinks you despise him."

"Let him." I shot at her. "He's no longer my problem."

"So what was all that shit you were spewing earlier?" She shot at me. "You need him and yet now you won't talk to him."

Turning, I got into her face. "I need to work shit out and I wanted to talk to you about it. I needed to work it out, Tori. Not have him thrust into my face. I needed your help and you basically betrayed my trust by going to him."

"How did I betray you?" She frowned.

Shaking my head, "I don't know. But it feels like it all the same. You wanted me to let him go and then you brought him to me. Why?"

"For you." She told me sadly. "To work it through and to see where you both stand."

"I didn't say that I needed to see him to work it through. I needed you." I stated and turned away from her.

"Pen, you're being stupid if you just walk away." She shot at me.

Shooting her a glare, I was beginning to hate my world, "Then let me be."

Going to my apartment, I paced the length of it over and over and over again. My mind was reeling and felt like I needed to cry. Felt like crying would make me feel better. But the moment I decided to let them fall was the moment I realized that I had none to shed. My eyes were dry which made me feel worse. Just because I was strong enough to yell at him and tell him that I'm done…didn't make me want him any less. Thinking that I may have just ruined my chance to be with him, the tears finally started to brim. I wanted to feel better. I just wanted to feel better.


	12. Forgiveness

Having fallen asleep curled up on my bed, I woke to gentle shaking. Opening my eyes, Four was smiling at me. "Hey, I hear you've had a rough couple days."

"Hence the hiding I've been doing."

"Well knock it off." He told me matter-of-factly but still held the smile on his face.

"I should have just gone with you." I told him, taking his hand. "And now I feel like crap. A never ending moment of pain that just won't stop." I was just being honest with him but I knew he didn't want to hear how much Eric affected me.

"He's beaten you down. Now you have to pick yourself back up." He replied.

Knowing the tone of his voice, I smiled, "What did you have in mind?"

He grinned and yanked me off the bed. Before I knew it we were running for the tracks. Reaching them, Eric was standing next to a table of guns. Our eyes met and for a moment I held them, sorry for what I had said. I hadn't seen him since then, though it was barely two days. But it was enough to make me miss him and regret my words. He offered me the smallest of smiles, my breath catching. It took Four gripping my arm and pulling me away for my eyes to break from his.

"Thanks." I told him softly.

"You're withdrawing, I get it. But you need to remember what he did. You're not being weak by wanting him. But unless he gives you an amazing reason for hitting you, you don't care. Got it?"

Nodding, I looked at him, "He did try to talk to me and I shut him down."

"That's okay." He nodded. "That's okay, Pen. You're stronger than he is."

"Right." I nodded. "I'm strong."

The initiates started to arrive and they were given a gun and mages with neurostim darts that simulate the feeling of a gunshot. They were wicked. I'd seen them in action but had never felt it before. I'd felt my fair share of graze wounds but I'd never actually been shot. Something I wasn't intending to feel tonight. I was too competitive to go down, even if my team lost. But I would be with Four and he never lost. Joining the others, the initiates looked both terrified and excited.

"Time estimate?" Eric asked Four.

Four checked his watch. "Any minute now. How long is it going to take you to memorize the train schedule?"

"Why should I, when I have you to remind me of it?" Eric replied, shoving Four's shoulder.

A circle of light appeared, still far away. Feeling a wave of excitement as it grew larger, I looked at Four, only it was Eric's face that caught my eye, the glow of the train eliminating his face. He had a beautiful face.

As the train approached Four was the first to get on, running and grabbing the handle, swinging himself in. The rest of us are right behind him, I watched as Four held his hand down to Tris, pulling her into the car. It's all over both of their faces, a spark had been ignited and it was starting to burn. He had been lecturing me on letting go and yet here he was starting to hold on to something. He had been alone for so long and to see him starting to let himself go, even for a second, made me worry. It wasn't jealously. I was certain of that. But if he was going to worry about me than I sure had hell was going to worry about him.

Watching several initiates pull themselves in, then Eric, I grabbed the handle, pulling myself into the car with ease. I was still on the edge of the car when it jostled. I felt myself start to fall backward, only my waist was grabbed and I was pulled from the edge, hitting Eric's chest, his hand slowly sliding around me. Running my hand down his chest, I sighed.

"I want to explain." He told me.

"I don't want to hear." I replied, taking his hand from around me, squeezing it tightly before letting it go. Stepping to Four, he gave me a quick smile before returning to his stoic self, addressing the initiates.

"We'll be dividing into two teams to play capture the flag. Each team will have an even mix of members, Dauntless-born initiates, and transfers. One team will get off first and find a place to hide their flag. Then the second team will get off and do the same." The car sways, and Four grabbed the side of the doorway for balance, while I gripped his shoulder to steady myself, seeing a look from Tris. Smirking at her, she dropped her eyes, pretending to talk to Christina. "This is a Dauntless tradition, so I suggest you take it seriously."

"What do we get if we win?" Someone shouted.

"Sounds like the kind of question someone not from Dauntless would ask." Four stated, raising a brow. "You get to win, of course."

"Four and I will be your team captains." Eric tells them and looks at Four. "Let's divide up transfers first, shall we?"

Sighing, I crossed my arms and looked at Four. He just nods and smirked at me before looking at Four. "You go first."

Eric shrugged. "Edward."

Four leaned against the door frame and nods. He looks like he's about to win something. He scanned the group of transfers briefly, without calculation and says, "I want the Stiff."

"Four." I whisper to him. "I thought you wanted to win."

I'm not the only one who was surprised; a faint undercurrent of laughter filled the car. I couldn't help but join them. Tris was still a walking bruise; she was not going to be too helpful here. Christina wasn't much better. Henry appeared at my side, laughing into my shoulder. Nodding at him, I looked at Eric seeing a cocky expression on his face.

"Got something to prove?" He asked Four. "Or are you just picking the weak ones so that if you lose, you'll have someone to blame it on?"

Four shrugged, "Something like that. I'll take Terra as well."

"Fine by me." Eric replied.

There was no way he wanted her on his team anyway. And this way I could keep an eye on her. Looking at Tris she now looks pissed. For a moment she was going to be in awe of Four, only now she was questioning him, wondering what his strategy was.

"Your turn." Four states.

"Peter."

"Christina."

"Molly."

"Will." Four said, biting his thumbnail.

"Al."

"Drew."

"Last one left is Myra. So she's with me." Eric announces. "Dauntless-born initiates next."

"I see a pattern." Henry said looking at the teams.

"Hm?" I asked, finding myself staring at Eric.

"Look at Four's team. What do you see?" He asked.

Forcing my eyes from Eric, I looked at the group forming around Four. Nothing impressive. "I see a bunch of scrawny newbies."

"And Eric's?"

Looking, I paused, realizing where he was going with this. "Burly."

"Your deduction?"

"Four's team will be faster. Eric's holds all the strength but if it comes down to a race Four's has all the advantage. We're so gonna beat you." I grinned at him.

"Pen." Eric said, bringing me out of my moment with Henry.

"Sorry?" I frowned at him.

"I'll take Pen." Eric said slowly.

"Pen's with me like Henry is with Lauren. You've got Lauren therefore you get Henry. Pen stays with me."

"Why?" Eric asked.

"It's out of the question." Four told him, and I felt his brotherly protection flowing off of him in waves.

"Why not mix it up a little?"

"Eric." Four said on the verge of anger.

Putting my hand on his shoulder, I leaned close to him, "It's okay. It's not worth the fight."

"Pen." He said softly.

"Come on, it'll be fun to mix things up." Henry smiled at me.

"Henry." Four shot at him.

The moment was getting awkward and I wasn't going to make a scene in front of all these people. "It's fine." I told Four. "I can handle it."

"It's done then." Eric grinned.

Stepping up to him, I shot him a glare, "Don't gloat."

"We'll be together most of the night." He smiled down at me.

"Eric, please." I frowned at him. "Let's just play the game."

"Your team can get off second." He said to Four.

"Don't do me any favors." Four replied. He smiled a little. "You know I don't need them to win."

"No, I know that you'll lose no matter when you get off." Eric states raising a brow. "Take your scrawny team and get off first, then."

Everyone stood and got ready to make the jump. Looking at Al, he was looking at Tris with a forlorn expression, and she offered him the most reassuring smile she could muster. Stepping up to him, I put my hand on his shoulder, smiling at Tris with a nod.

"I've got your back." I told him. He nodded and smiled. "I'm serious, Al. Don't worry. After all, this is just a game."

"I've got your back too." He told me.

"And I appreciate that." I grinned. "But don't do me any favors because I'm helping to train you."

"You haven't been around much."

"That'll change." I nodded. Catching Four's eye, I stepped up to him. "Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I can handle him."

"I feel like I'm missing something." Henry stated with furrowed brows.

"That's because you are." Four shot at him.

"Don't take this out on him." I frowned. "Be mad at me if you want to be mad at somebody. I'm the instigator here. Henry just wants to have some fun. Show him some fun."

"While you go through an agonizing evening with the guy who hit you?" He asked me harshly.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Henry tense. "What?"

"It's fine, Eric." Both their jaws went tight. "Henry. I'm sorry. I know your name." Henry looked at Eric. "Don't."

"I'll kill him." Henry said.

"You're going to leave him alone. It's being handled." I shot at him. "It's time for you to jump."

"Pen." Henry said taking my hand.

"I'm okay." I smiled at him. "I love you. Now go beat us at capture the flag."

"If he so much as touches you…" Henry started.

Kissing him lightly to shut him up, I wrapped my arm around his neck. "Thank you for caring. Now go jump off this train."

He sighed, nodding at me before facing the door. Stepping back, Four and his team started to exit the train, disappearing into the night. They had barely left when Eric appeared at my side, looking down at me with a hard expression. Crossing my arms, I watched the scenery pass us by before I turned and attempted to move away from him, only to have him grab my arm.

"Let me go." I told him.

"Just tell me you'll hear me out."

Pulling from him, I looked out the car door. "It's time to jump."

He nodded and I watched him go to the door, leaping out of it. Taking a breath, I put my hand on Al's shoulder and led him to the door. Nodding at him, we both leapt out. I hit the ground running, keeping my balance. Turning, I watched Al roll onto his feet, brushing himself off and smiling at me. Laughing, we waited until everyone else was out before we grouped together.

"Alright, what are your thoughts on where to hide our flag?" I asked the initiates.

They started to spit out answers before a full out debate was going on. I imagined Four and the others were having about as much luck as we were having. They were young and they all thought that they knew what to do. The Dauntless-born especially. They were cocky like most Dauntless and were not thinking outside the box. The transfers were different, trying to work through the problem and yet they just got louder.

"Enough!" Eric yelled at them.

"Okay." I said moving to the center of the group. "So far I've only heard two plausible ideas. One mentioned a tree. There is a large tree by the pier that stands alone. If we plant a few of our team to guard it, it would be pretty easy to spot anyone approaching it. The flag itself omits enough light to see by if anyone gets close. I also heard the tower." I continued, turning in a circle to look at them. "There is a tower that would work nicely. They'd have to make it through a warehouse, to the roof, then to the tower and up it to get the flag. However there is plenty of cover so it would more than likely end up in a fire fight. So, I guess the real question is, do we pick them off like easy prey or do we blow them away on the rooftop? It's more risky but will be a hell of a lot more fun. Win or lose."

Continuing to turn, I watched them work it through, smiles appearing on nearly everyone's faces. Al looked like he was going to throw up. A very hard lesson needed to be learned or he was never going to make it.

"Well?" I finally asked.

Several nods were shared. "The tower." Someone replied with the majority of them agreeing to it.

"The tower it is." I smirked. "Alright, let's move."

Making our way through the park, we reached the warehouse in no time. All the while I was at Eric's side. It wasn't entirely intentional and yet every time space was put between us, I always seemed to migrate back toward him. He seemed to notice, smiling at me every now and again. Pausing outside the warehouse, Eric ordered two to put the flag in the tower, three to go scout out Four's team, and ordered the rest to disperse through the warehouse and the rooftop. Eric and I made our way to the roof as well, waiting for Four and his team to arrive or for our scouts to return with their flags location.

"When they get back with the flags location, did you want to lead ours to them or would you like me to?" I asked Eric.

"It doesn't matter." He told me. "Can we talk?"

"Not now, Eric." I told him. "It's not the time or the place."

"I can't seem to get you alone." He smirked.

"Don't, Eric." I shot at him. "You had me alone and you slammed me against a wall and then hit me. Both times all I asked was for you to talk to me."

His smile disappeared and for a long moment he just looked at me. "I hope you weren't lying when you said you can forgive." He told me with furrowed brows. "Because I'm hoping when you hear me out that you will forgive me."

Meeting his eyes, I furrowed my brows back at him, "Do you honestly think you deserve to be forgiven?"

"No." He said shaking his head. "But I hope for it all the same."

Holding his eyes, I sighed, wanting to say screw it and attack him right here and now, but I refrained. "Pay attention to the game."

He smirked at me, nodding. There were several minutes of awkward silence before we heard something. One of our scouts had returned to let us know that they'd found the opponents flag. Sending a small group to get it, Eric decided to have Lauren lead them. It appeared I wasn't to leave his side tonight. I was starting to not mind though. My resolve was breaking.

"Eric." I whispered as a sound reached my ears. "They're here."

He nodded, motioning me to follow him. Nodding, I stayed close behind him, making sure no one was following us. We heard the first shots fired, knowing that the game was officially in motion. Hiding behind one of the roof vents, we stayed low. Lifting myself up just enough to try and locate the other team, a gun was suddenly thrust into my face. In the last moment, I was pulled down and Eric shot whoever it was, catching them in the neck. There was a scream before they fell backward. We were under fire in a matter of seconds, racing around the end of the row of vents.

"Stay down." Eric told me.

"It's just a game, Eric." I replied. "They can't really shoot me."

"Stay down." He repeated.

He moved from behind the vent, shooting his way to the next one. Deciding not to listen to him, I moved back down the row, shooting my way along the opposite side of the vents. Hitting every person I came across, I was actually starting to believe that we stood a chance in this game. Then I saw Four and Eric standing off. I had intended to go after him, only a gun pressed into my back. Spinning, I dropped, shooting the person in the stomach. He yelled and fell back.

"Sorry." I told Henry apologetically.

"You shot me." He frowned.

Shrugging, I laughed at him, his laughter mixing with mine. Then there was a shot behind me, Eric's cry following. Turning, I watched Four move away from him, but at the same time someone else fired on him.

"He's too close to the edge." I said before I was on my feet. "Eric!" I yelled rushing forward as he fell back against the short wall of the roof, falling over the edge. "Eric!" Running as fast as I could, I slammed my knees into the wall, bracing myself as I reached over, gripping Eric's hand as it slipped from the edge. "Hold on." I told him meeting his eyes.

"Pen." He said meeting my eyes.

"Just hold on. I've got you." I told him, feeling my knees slightly slip. "Pull yourself up." He wasn't even trying. "Eric, grip my wrist."

"I'm sorry." He told me. "I never wanted to hurt you."

"We can talk about it later." I replied quickly, trying to keep my eyes on his and not the fall he would be taking. Damn heights. "Please, Eric. You've gotta help me out here. Grip my wrist." His hand was slowly slipping through mine. "Eric, please!"

"Pen, I am so sorry."

"You're slipping!" I stated as panic started to seep into me. "Eric!"

"I don't deserve –"

"Oh, shut the fuck up, Eric!" I frowned at him. "You are better than this. You don't feel sorry for yourself. So help me pull you up and we can do all the talking you want. I promise you."

He smiled, gripping my wrist. Frowning at him, I pulled him up until he was able to grip my shoulders. I hooked my arms around his, pulling him up and helping him over the edge. He was purposefully clumsy, falling against me, flattening me as he landed on top of me.

"I don't appreciate you manipulating me." I told him, though my hand moved to his face, relief filling me. "You're such an idiot."

"Shut up." He said before his lips were against mine.

Keeping one hand against his face, I wrapped the other around his neck. With my knee at his side, I kissed him back, hard and deep. Running my hand up and down his chest before wrapping it around him, I hugged his shoulder as I pressed myself closer against him. I couldn't help the shiver that ran through me. I felt like every cell of my being was on fire with wanting for him. Happiness was rushing through me, only to be cut short as Eric was torn off of me, a cry filling the air before I watched Henry hit him. Getting to my feet, Henry was already on top of him, beating him as hard as he could. His foot making purchase in his abdomen and face.

"Henry, stop!" I yelled gripping him. He turned and shoved me to the ground. Eric yelled out and swiped Henry's feet out from under him, grabbing his gun and shooting him twice in the chest. "Enough!" I yelled getting to my feet. A random gun lay nearby; Henry grabbed it, swinging it toward Eric. "Henry, don't!" I yelled rushing forward. Eric's hands gripped my arms as I fell into them, pain searing through my back, making me scream.

"Pen!" Henry called from behind me.

Meeting Eric's eyes, there was a look of panic, despite the knowledge that all the guns with us didn't hold real bullets. He wrapped his arm around me, letting out a feral yell as he raised the gun and shot Henry several times in the chest. When it was all said and done, the rooftop was quiet. Eric had lowered me to my knees, pulling the darts from my back.

"Holy shit." I told him, breathing hard. "If that's what getting shot really feels like I'd really like to avoid the real thing."

Eric laughed, wrapping his arms around me. Then we felt the eyes that were on us and we swiftly parted, getting to our feet. Helping Henry to his, he looked pissed. Wrapping my arm around him, he leaned into my side, his arm around my waist as he glared at Eric. Though Eric was glaring as well. The game was over. Four's team had won; Tris and Christina had captured our flag during all the commotion.

"Alright! Everyone back to the tracks!" Four called.

Everyone started to move from the warehouse, all except Eric and I, Henry lingered briefly before leaving as well. Seeing Four stop and turn to me, I nodded at him, offering him a small smile. He sighed, but nodded and kept moving. Sighing myself, I wrapped my arms around myself, and turned to look at Eric. He wasn't bleeding, which was surprising, Henry had a good punch.

"Are you okay?" I asked him.

He nodded, taking a step closer to me, tentatively putting his hand against my face. "Am I out of line?"

For a long moment I just looked at him. He looked almost anxious, waiting for me to decide if I was going to let him back in or push him away. His thumb moved back and forth across my cheek, leaving a trail of fire. Yeah. I was going to let him back in. He'd have to explain first, but I had already caved the moment he went over that ledge.

"Let's talk." I said putting my hands against his sides. "Take me to the Ferris Wheel."

He smiled, wrapping his arm around me as he led me from the warehouse. Everyone else was already out of sight, making me feel relaxed. Wrapping my arm around him, I leaned into his side; needing to feel him against me. It was just a game but a fall from that roof could have been the end of him. Even if nothing happened I would have reacted the same. It seemed the same could be said for him with me getting shot. I couldn't decide if that was a good or bad thing, or what it even meant.

When we reached the Ferris Wheel, it appeared to be functioning, but I wanted to sit on the top of it. Looking at Eric, I smiled before starting the climb. I hated heights but this would be worth it. I'd be less likely to pick a fight in a small box at a high height. We'd have to talk. If he was serious about wanting to explain, even if he didn't, it would still be time spent with him. After blowing him off, I was afraid this wouldn't happen again. Apparently neither of us was willing to give up just yet. Even though we should. We were good for each other. But it seemed to just complicate our lives.

We were about three quarters of the way up when I started to heavily second guess this decision. I couldn't take a breath without a shudder and my palms were so sweaty I thought I was going to slip. Taking a moment to calm myself, I felt Eric's hand against my waist. He stepped up until chest was pressed against my back.

"You're okay. Slow breaths. I'm right here." He told me softly. Nodding, I reached down and took his hand, wrapping his arm around me. "Come on, you can do it."

Taking a slow deep breath, I kept moving, using his shoulder for support until I dropped myself into the bucket. Shaking like a leaf, I lay in the bottom of it, staring at the stars. "Why the hell did I think this was a good idea?"

"Is it safe to come in?" Eric asked.

"Yeah." I told him.

He climbed in, crouching on the seat, looking down at me. "I take it you're afraid of heights." Nodding, I reached up, taking his hand. "It was very Dauntless of you to make the climb."

"It's all I've ever wanted to be." I told him. "I can't imagine being anywhere else."

"Get up here." He said offering me his other hand.

"Eric." I said taking it. "I made it up here. But I'm not sure I can move."

He just smirked and played with my fingers, "I'll kiss you if you get up here." I laughed, playing with his fingers in return. "Besides, I won't let anything happen to you."

My smile faltered and I pulled my hand from his. "You did though." His expression fell and he sighed, sitting on the seat with his feet on the other side of my body. I felt safer feeling caged in by his legs. "You happened to me."

"I know." He replied softly. "And I want to explain."

"Then explain." I frowned at him. "Because I have no idea what to think anymore. One minute you're sweet and thoughtful and making me feel…" I said trailing off.

"I know." He repeated.

"And then you were cold, calculated, and an asshole." I shot at him angrily.

"I know." He repeated again.

Now letting my anger steady me, I sat up, leaning my back against the railing, staring up at him. "I need more than that Eric. I need you to explain." He put his elbows on his knees, staring at his hands as he rubbed them together. "Please, baby."

Using the endearment seemed to trigger something in him. He froze, meeting my eyes, his brows slowly furrowed and he offered me his hand. Taking it, holding it tightly, I shifted just enough to slide into the seat. The bucket rocked, giving me a momentary panic attack, only relaxing as he put his arm around me, pulling me tight against his side. Putting my hand against his thigh, I gripped it, keeping my eyes to the sky and not the stretch of air beneath me.

"Look at me." He told me. Meeting his eyes, I felt a wave of emotion. "I'm sorry."

"You said that." I told him coldly.

"But you don't believe me." He frowned.

Scoffing, I put my feet up against the bar, feeling like it kept me in place better. "You haven't given me a good enough reason to believe you."

"Pen –"

"No, Eric." I shot at him. "You hit me. You hit me and don't seem sorry about it. You pushed me away, slammed me against a wall, and you don't seem sorry about it." I paused and just looked at him. "How am I supposed to forgive you when you don't even seem sorry about it? I am the only person who seems to give a shit about you and you don't care."

"I care, Pen. I care more than I should." He replied, putting his hand against my face, his expression sad. "And you're right, I didn't seem sorry. I'm hardly ever sorry for the things I've done." He said his brows furrowing further. "But I cannot express how sorry I am. Hurting you…saying the things I said…all of it was the hardest thing I think I've ever done. I regret everything."

"Everything?" I frowned.

"Not the being with you part." He smirked.

It was that stupid half smile that disarmed me fast than anything. God I loved his lips. I wanted to touch them so badly. "So why did you hit me? Why did you push me away?"

He met my eyes, pulling my face to his, pressing his forehead against mine. "To protect you."

Covering his hand with mine, I frowned, leaning away from him, "Protect me?"

"Yes." He nodded. "I need to protect you."

"I don't need your protection." I replied. "I can take care of myself."

"I know." He nodded again. "I know you can. But that's not going to stop me from trying whether you like it or not."

I sighed and shook my head, looking away from him. "Those damn fucking feelings." I said softly.

"I can't tell you what's happening, but what I'm being asked to do has never been harder for me than it is now." He explained.

"Because of me?" I asked, still confused and annoyed. Fear also crept into me. He was after people like me. But he didn't know. Not yet.

"I've never been with anyone, Pen. I know that's hard to believe, but it's true. I may lead girls on but I've never had a relationship with them. And my job keeps me busy nearly round the clock." He told me and paused. "But I've been with you. I've gotten to know you and I've let you in in ways I've never let anyone in before."

"And that terrifies you." I frowned at him.

"I don't rely on people, Pen. I never have." He frowned back. "But I started to rely on you. I started to expect you to just be there. Then shit started to go down and I can't have ties like that. I can't be distracted."

"Then what are we doing here?" I asked him. "If you can't have ties and be distracted, then what are we doing here?"

For a long moment we just stared at each other. Then he finally spoke, his voice soft, that chocolaty sound I adored. "I want you, Pen. I've never wanted anyone the way I want you. I didn't know what it would do to me. What it is still doing to me."

I wanted to melt into him, but he still hadn't given me what I wanted. We hadn't reached the part where he hit me for no reason. Protecting me wasn't a good enough reason. He didn't know what protecting me really meant.

"We're not really together though, Eric." I stated, my heart starting to race because of his words.

He nodded, "I know."

"But?"

"But I care about you. And that has never gone away."

"But?" I asked again. He sighed, now sounding annoyed but I was sure he wasn't used to all these questions and explaining. He was Eric. You don't ask him to explain himself. Well, if he wanted to attempt to make something of this then he would have to get used to it. I sure as hell wasn't going to just let him get away with everything. "Okay, so you can't tell me everything. But that doesn't explain you acting so cold to me. For you hitting me." I frowned at him. "I need an explanation."

Staring at him, he looked at the stars, a hard expression on his face. When he spoke it wasn't quite monotone but it were as if he was reciting something. "Plans are in motion. Things have been asked of me. You're a distraction and I've been told to stay away from you or they will force me to."

"Force you to?" I frowned. "So they're threatening me to keep you in line?" Did they know?

He nodded, meeting my eyes. "Basically."

"That would have to mean that this isn't just sex for you anymore. You say you want me, which means that I mean something to you." He didn't say anything. "Shit, Eric." I said putting my feet on the floor and angled my body toward him. "I never asked for you to take the fall for me. I would never ask that of you. I would never wish harm on you for caring about you."

"I know."

"How dare you put this on me." I shot at him. I was suddenly terrified that it would be me that got him hurt. He was so worried about keeping me safe, but it was me who needed to keep him safe. If they found out about what I was, they'd go after him for being with me. Now more than ever, I knew this wasn't a good idea.

"I don't mean to put anything on you." He frowned back. "Max sees that you're affecting me and he won't stand for it."

"Affecting you how?" He didn't say anything. "Eric, answer me."

"It's like I have feelings or something." He uttered as if it was a big revelation.

Laughing, I shook my head. "Who knew being less malicious was a bad thing." He nodded. "You know, honesty would have made this all a lot easier."

"Made what easier?" He frowned at me. "Staying away from each other?"

"If you had told me I wouldn't have been so cold. I wouldn't have picked all those fights with you. I would have just kept quiet and stayed away to keep you safe."

"I don't need you to keep me safe." He retorted.

"You do, you just don't know it yet." I shot back at him, getting a frown from him, making my stomach drop. I was giving too much away. "And after the past few months do you honestly think that will stop me?" I frowned at him.

For a moment I thought he was catching on, but then he smiled, meeting my eyes, brushing my bangs out of my eyes, "No."

"Good, because it won't." I stated, taking his hand. "I care about you too, Eric. More than I ever expected to." Too much to turn away from him. Even if it was a bad idea.

There was a long pause where he was looking at me expectantly. "You're not going to question what we need to keep safe from?" He asked.

"I trust you." I told him. "Whether I should or not. I trust you. I feel for you. All I've ever asked for is the same in return."

"I know." He said gently playing with my hair.

Defying the fear that coursed through me, I straddled his lap, taking his head in my hands. "I don't need to know what's going on." I already knew what was going on. But I wasn't about to let what I was get in the way of being with him. He cared about me. I believed that he would protect me. He was protecting me. He'd still protect me once he found out. "I just need to know that we are both in this. This thing that we've started. Because not being with you is impossible. I need you, Eric."

He took my face in his hands, "I need you too." Kissing me deeply, I wrapped my arms around his neck as his moved around me, holding me as if I were the most precious thing he had.


	13. Reconnected

When morning came, I was happily wrapped in Eric's arms. My head rested on his bicep and I couldn't stop smiling as I ran my fingers back and forth across his arm. He was still sleeping, having slept harder than I'd ever seen him. Slowly sitting up, I turned so I faced him, once again lying on his arm. Putting my hand against his face, I ran my thumb along his lips. Leaning in I kissed him gently. Running my hand to the back of his head, I couldn't help but stare at him.

After the excruciating climb down from the Ferris Wheel, we talked the entire way back to Dauntless and until the sun was barely a line on the horizon. He told me as much as he could, which wasn't a lot, and I believed him. I believed him when he said it was to protect me. I didn't think it beyond Dauntless - under Erudite manipulation - to use someone against another to yield the results they wished to see. If Eric had orders and I was getting in the way of that, I believed they'd come after me. So when he said it was to protect me, I believed him. Even though it was him who needed the protection from me. From what I was. But it wasn't going to stop me. Maybe that was my feelings for him getting in the way, I didn't really care, let them get in the way. I wasn't going to let him push me away again.

Running my hand down his chest, I kissed him again, "Eric." I said softly. He didn't move. "Eric." Nothing. Moving my hand to his side, I trailed my nails, slowly moving my hand lower. He twitched and his brows furrowed. Tracing circles against his skin he gripped my hand, bringing it up against his chest. "It's morning."

"I'm not ready yet." He told me. "And tickling me isn't fair."

"We'll be needed in the training room." I replied.

He sighed, pulling me against his chest, "I haven't slept this good since before I met with Max."

"Me neither." I told him. "I need you to sleep. As ridiculous as that is."

"It's not." He smiled. "I can't do a lot of things without you."

"What happened to not getting attached?" I asked him. "Are we going to make this thing official?"

"No." He frowned.

"No?" I frowned back.

"We can't. It's not a good idea. I shouldn't even be here right now. Enough people saw us last night who knows what'll happen today." He told me with genuine concern.

"I can handle it." I told him.

He nodded, "I know. You're the toughest woman I've ever met. But I'm not the toughest guy. I can't handle it."

"Handle what exactly?" I asked wrapping my arm around him. Kissing me deeply, he pressed his forehead against mine. "That's not an answer, Eric."

"Anything happening to you." He whispered. I wanted to say it back to him, I wanted to tell him that I felt the same way, but the words turned to ash in my mouth and I sat up, trying to hide my expression. He sat up and looked at me. "What is it?"

"I don't know." I frowned. "You saying that makes me feel very…anxious."

"Anxious?" He frowned back.

"I don't know. Maybe that's not the right word. But when I think about what's happened to me recently, all the bad has been done by your hands. And I understand why and I get that but if things are going down with the magnitude that you're eluding to, you can't stop it. Something is going to happen to me and to have that sort of pressure –"

"The pressure is on me not you." He frowned.

"Eric, I'm not trying to pick a fight here." I told him, turning and putting my hand against his face. "I just am suddenly extremely worried."

"About what?" He asked.

Kissing him, I rested my forehead against his, "You." I whispered. "And from the sound of it that's dangerous."

"I won't let anything happen to you." He replied meeting my eyes.

"And I won't let anything happen to you." I told him.

He sighed, smirking but I knew that he was on the verge of annoyance. "You don't sound so sure."

"I wasn't lying to you when I said I need you, Eric." I stated. "I don't want anything to happen to you. Outside of the occasional fight you like to get into." He nodded but still didn't seem convinced. Kissing him, pushing him back against the pillows, I straddled him. "I'll show you how much."

"Pen." He said clenching his jaw.

Sighing, I got off of him and rolled off the edge of the bed. "Okay, apparently I said the wrong thing." I told him. "Again."

"No, Pen, just wait a second." He said getting out as well.

Standing there in just a pair of sweats, he looked like a chiseled sculpture. "You don't wanna have sex with me. That kind of speaks volumes." I stated, staring at him.

"We can't fall back into that."

"So we made up last night, talked all night, had the best night's sleep in days, and now you're rejecting me." I frowned at him.

"I'm not rejecting you. But I still want to protect you. If we start sleeping with each other again all I'll want is you. All I'll be able to focus on is you. And I need to focus on the task I've been given. Otherwise it'll be both of us on trial."

"Trial." I frowned. "What? Eric."

"Figure of speech." He said holding up his hands. Sighing, I nodded, running my hands up and down his chest before wrapping my arms around him. Tilting my head back, he smiled and kissed me sweetly. "I need you to be safe."

"Then I will keep my distance from you, but as often as you can I need you to warm my bed." I told him.

His arms moved around me, warming me, making me feel safe and happy. "Done."

He left to get ready while I showered and went to the training room. Today they would be learning to throw knives. Everything was already set up when I arrived, telling me Four must have done it last night. Picking up several of the knives, I started to throw them, hitting the center of the target each time. It had taken me weeks to perfect it. During initiation I used to sleep only a few hours a night, spending the majority of the night throwing knives or sparing. Usually with Claude. I felt like I hadn't seen her in days.

"There you are." Claude said coming in.

"I was just thinking about you." I smiled at her.

"I brought you coffee." She told me. "I know you haven't been partaking in it lately but you look like you could use it. Plus you've had a rough week."

"It's getting better." I told her, taking the coffee, savoring the first taste. She sighed, telling me she already assumed what I was talking about. "Don't, Claude. I get it enough from Tori."

"I know." She nodded. "She talked to me."

"So what lecture are you going to give me now?"

"None." She replied. "What changed?"

"He apologized and told me that his behavior was to protect me." I replied. "He couldn't go into details but it sounds like Max has been riding him pretty hard."

She nodded, "He has been. But I thought it was over so I wasn't concerning myself with it."

"It's not back on." I stated. "We've made amends but our arrangement to keep distance hasn't changed. I just won't be beaten up all the time."

"Okay." She nodded.

"Okay?" I frowned.

"Just don't let him back in unless he deserves it." She told me. "Don't fall for him unless you're sure he's fallen for you. Don't be that girl."

"I won't be." I assured her.

"Morning." Four said coming in, looking happy yet exhausted.

"Morning." I smiled. "You look about as awake as I do."

"You didn't come back with us." He stated.

"Eric and I stayed back and talked."

"And?" He frowned.

Sighing, having just gone over this, I met his eyes with a hard look. "I'm not having sex with him." I stated. "We talked, he apologized, I accepted his apology but that doesn't mean everything goes back to the way it was. We're friends. We care about each other. But I'm not sleeping with the enemy anymore."

"The enemy?" Eric said coming in, his hard tone matching his expression.

"That's what you are." I smiled at him. "I'm the good girl and you're the bad boy who's corrupting me."

"Pen." Claude said with a harsh tone.

"It's fine." He said as a smile broke across his face. "I may be evil but I'm slowly being brought to the good side. I'm being reformed and I think you'll all find the results a much needed improvement."

The whole time his eyes were locked on mine. Grinning, for a moment he was all I could see. All I wanted to see. Then Claude shoved me and I jumped, turning to her. "What?"

She just frowned at me and stepped up to Eric. "You've already been in trouble with Max. Do not do anything that will jeopardize yourself, because if you do you'll bring her down with you. And if you bring her down with you, you will have to answer to me and we both know how I get when I'm angry."

"Don't threaten him." I frowned at her.

"No, please, continue." Four said with a small smirk. "Because I don't believe for a second you can change."

"Thank you." I shot at him.

Eric stepped up to him, "I'm still above you, and whether you believe it or not doesn't matter to me." His tone was hard and menacing.

"Just remember who won." Four smiled.

For a second Eric's jaw tightened, but then it smoothed out and he smiled back, "It depends on what we're talking about. Because I've won something too."

It was Four's turn to be pissed, he took a step forward and I quickly put myself in between them, my hand on Four's chest. "Stop." I told him. "Both of you." I added turning to Eric. Both just offered a small smile and stepped away from each other. Now I was feeling annoyed and worried about the day. Sighing again, I continued to throw knives. "Today is going to be oh so much fun."

As soon as the initiates started to arrive, Eric moved to the middle of the room, his posture rigid and he glared at them like the nothing they are to him. Four had hit a nerve. I hated their feud but there was nothing I could do about it. Ogling him, he was so fucking sexy, even when he was pissed off, I didn't know if I could make it through the day without throwing myself at him. If he didn't kiss me today I would have to break our little no sex thing. Because after last night all I wanted was to touch him, be close to him, make love to him to show him how much I needed him.

"Stop it." Claude told me.

"I'm sorry." I told her feeling a blush rise in my cheeks.

"Pull yourself together. I'm only staying to demonstrate and then I have to get back. Don't make me feel the need to watch you all day." She replied.

"I'll be good." I told her and giggled.

"Tomorrow will be the last day of stage one." Eric told them, making us shut up. "You will resume fighting then. Today, you'll be learning how to aim. Everyone pick up three knives. And pay attention while Four and Claude demonstrate the correct technique for throwing them."

At first no one moved. Catching Claude smirking at Terra, I elbowed her in the ribs, motioning for her to move. She cleared her throat and picked up three knives. No one else had yet to move.

"Now!" Eric yelled.

As soon as he raised his voice everyone scrambled for the daggers. All but Edward looked awkward with them in their hands. They watched as Four and Claude started to throw the knives, the bend of their arm and the way their bodies moved when they threw, their release of breath at the same time. Claude didn't hold back, making them fly so fast it were as if she had thrown all three in the same amount of time for Four to throw one.

As soon as Eric felt like they'd seen enough, he yelled at them again, "Line up!"

Pacing behind them with Eric and Four, Claude had already left and we were enduring the most horrible attempt at knife throwing I've ever seen. But I paused and stopped, watching as Tris practiced without a knife in hand while her fellow initiates flung theirs aimlessly at the targets.

Continuing to pace, Eric raised a brow at me but his fingers brushed my arm as we passed each other. Four raised a brow at me but I simply shrugged at him. Peter started to goad Tris on and it took all of me not to say something. But competitiveness was a part of Dauntless. She'd have to learn to deal with it and stand up for herself. She seemed apt at ignoring him, continuing to practice her throw and stance only now she held the knife but wasn't releasing it. She was smart. This was far smarter than I was giving her credit for. She was Divergent and it made me wonder which factions she had been fit with. After a few more practice swings she released the knife. It spun end over end and hit the target. It didn't stick but it was by far the best throw I'd seen so far.

Peter glared at her while she smiled at him. "Hey, Peter. Remember what a target is?"

Christina snorted before she too managed to hit the target. So there were a few that were starting to get the hang of it. Thank god. After another half hour, Al was the only initiate who hadn't managed to hit the target yet. His knives fall to the floor with a clatter or bounced off the wall. The others were constantly moving to and from their targets, retrieving their knives while he scoured the floor to find his, hardly even trying.

"You have to put some effort into this, Al." I told him softly so no one else could hear. "You're being watched and graded on this. You need to try harder or this is not going to go well for you."

He nodded, "Okay."

"Focus." I told him. "Visualize the knife hitting the target. You have the power to do this, Al. You just have to show me – show yourself – that you can do it."

"Okay." He said nodding again.

He kept throwing and he kept missing. Looking at Eric, he had had enough. I wanted to say something but it wasn't my place. Eric's tact may need work but he wasn't wrong. The next time Al tried and missed, Eric marched towards him and demanded, "How slow are you, Candor? Do you need glasses? Should I move the target closer to you?"

Al's face turned red. He threw another knife, and this one sails a few feet to the right of the target. It spins and hits the wall. I flinch and look at Four before Eric. I had a feeling that whatever was coming next was not going to be pretty.

"What was that, initiate?" Eric asked him quietly, leaning closer to Al.

"It—it slipped." Al told him.

"Well, I think you should go get it." Eric states. He scans the other initiates' faces, they've all stopped throwing and are watching the encounter. "Did I tell you to stop?"

Knives start to hit the boards again. I've seen his anger. I've felt it. But there's something in his tone that is putting me on edge. Something was going on and I had no idea what it was. He had been fine this morning, so was this just an act? Or was he truly pissed off at Al for not being able to throw a knife?

"Do I dare?" I asked Four.

"Just wait a second and see."

"He was fine this morning." I whispered to him.

He scoffed and looked at me. "And his temper is as short as yours. Are you telling me that Al isn't hitting a nerve? They are supposed to at least stand a chance. So far he's shown little promise in everything but to land a good punch and even that was by accident. So far he's not out of line."

"Alright." I told him. "Alright."

"Go get it." Eric tells him.

Al's eyes grow wide. "But everyone's still throwing."

"And?"

"And I don't want to get hit."

"I think you can trust your fellow initiates to aim better than you." Eric smiled a little, but his eyes stay cruel. "Go get your knife."

Al was obedient but even he had his limits. He set his jaw and met Eric's eyes. "No."

"Why not?" Eric asked with his eyes locked on Al's face. "Are you afraid?"

"Of getting stabbed by an airborne knife?" Al retorts. "Yes, I am!"

"Shit." I said as I watched Eric's expression turn dark. He went just a little too far. If he had simply admitted to being afraid, Eric might have responded differently. However his snarky comment was going to cost him. "How about now?"

"Everyone stop!" Eric shouted.

The knives stop, and so does all conversation. "Eric." I said firmly and yet kindly. He shot me a look. "Okay." I replied holding up my hand.

"Clear out of the ring." Eric looked at Al. "All except you."

The initiates move to the edge of the room, though all are eager to see what Eric was going to do. Narrowing my eyes at Tris I could see her wheels turning. I wanted to tell her not to do anything stupid but at the same time was willing to let her.

"Stand in front of the target." Eric told Al.

I watched as Al's big hands start to shake. He walks back to the target. "Eric, what are you doing?" I asked him.

"Hey, Four." Eric looks over his shoulder. "Give me a hand here, huh?"

I looked at Four who gave me a subtle shrug. He scratched his eyebrow with the tip of a knife, stepping forward to Eric.

"You're going to stand there as he throws those knives." Eric tells Al. "He'll throw them until you learn not to flinch."

"Is this really necessary?" Four asked. He sounded bored, but doesn't look it. His face and body are tense, alert. Dealing with Eric is an art form and right now was one of those moments you had to be careful with.

At first Eric stared at him in silence while Four stared back. "I have the authority here, remember?" Eric stated so quietly I can barely hear him. "Here, and everywhere else."

Color rushes into Four's face, though his expression stayed the same. I watched as his grip tightened on the knife, his knuckles turning white. I jerked my shoulder, ready to rush forward if I have to, but then Four turns toward Al.

Then, out of nowhere, Tris shouts, "Stop it."

We all turn to face her. Four's expression is hard. Harder than I'd seen in a while. He's trying to tell her something and I think she understood him. She was a fool. She should have just kept her mouth shut. That's twice that someone spoke up against him. She just made it worse by continuing.

"Any idiot can stand in front of a target." She told Eric. "It doesn't prove anything except that you're bullying us. Which, as I recall, is a sign of cowardice."

"Tris." I said in warning.

"Then it should be easy for you." Eric said. "If you're willing to take his place."

Laughing, sighing, I nodded at her. She was already making her way through the crowd, Peter shoving her shoulder. Saying something but I don't care what it is. My heart was starting to race. I thought she deserved to be taught a lesson but death isn't the answer. She walked toward Al, who nodded at her and she replaced him in front of the board. Stepping forward as well, I stood next to Eric, looking at Four. He held one in his right and two in his left. She had to endure three knives. Four was an excellent knife thrower. He could do this. But his expression was telling me something that made my stomach drop.

"If you flinch, Al takes your place. Understand?" Four told her slowly. She nodded in response.

His eyes are locked on hers when he lifted his hand, pulled his elbow back, and threw the knife. It's a blur before there is a thud, the knife buried in the board half a foot from her cheek.

"You about done, Stiff?" Four asked.

"No."

"Eyes open, then." He told her and taps the spot between his eyebrows.

Shaking my head, I looked up at Eric to see if he's seeing what I'm seeing. Four is helping her and I can't quite figure out why. He had been more diligent with her than I'd ever seen him with another initiate. Even when he was teaching me, we didn't become close until after I had made it into Dauntless. He had helped me, but not like this. I felt like something else was happening here. Eric met my eyes and something passed between us. Giving him a subtle nod we watched the second knife bury itself into the board above her head.

"Come on, Stiff, let someone else stand there and take it." He told her.

"Shut up, Four!"

She held her breath as she kept her eyes on his as he threw the final knife. It spun hitting the board right next to her head. She touched her ear and I knew that he had hit her. Smiling, shaking my head, I knew that he had done it on purpose. She stepped back across the room to us.

Eric put his hand on her shoulder, "I would love to stay and see if the rest of you are as daring as she is, but I think that's enough for today." His voice is now smooth again, a small smile on his face. "I should keep my eye on you." He added.

He walked from the room and I slowly followed him, as well as the other initiates who swiftly moved past us without looking at us. The only two that weren't with us were Four and Tris which only affirmed what I was already suspecting.

"Eric." I said softly.

"I saw." He nodded.

"And?"

He sighed, looking around us before pushing me into a hallway. His hands found my hips and he leaned against me. "And how would it be any different than what we're doing?" He asked. Opening my mouth to make a retort, I found that I didn't have an argument. "See?" He smirked.

"Don't do that." I frowned, smacking his chest as he brought his hand to my face. "I think it's a bad idea. He's her teacher and if he helps her get ahead of the others than that's favoritism and we shouldn't do that. It's not our choice."

"Isn't it though?" He asked. "I can tell you right now which ones I want as members."

"But you only have so much pull. We all do. I can help say – Terra and Al – but that doesn't mean they're going to make it."

"Those two are never going to make it. Never. They're already done."

"Terra can throw knives better than Al." I stated. "That's something."

"She doesn't stand a chance." He replied. "And if you want to worry about someone, worry about Claude."

"What do you mean?" I frowned.

"She's attached to the little carrot top. If she doesn't make it, Claude's not going to take it well."

"I hadn't thought she'd acted on that." I frowned crossing my arms.

"I caught her on the monitors." He told me.

"Great." I said and sighed, gently bouncing my back against the wall as I looked at my feet.

He lifted my chin with the side of his finger, "Hey, don't worry about them."

"I can't help it." I shrugged at him.

"You all are pretty good about looking out for each other." He stated with a sad edge to his tone.

"Hey, I look out for you too. Whether you like it or not." I told him pressing my hand against his chest.

"See? You have me. Four has Tris. Claude has Terra. All of us shouldn't be with any of the people we've chosen."

"I still lose." I told him with furrowed brows. "You're the bad guy and they aren't shy about telling me time and time again. They think I'm foolish and stupid for caring about you. They think you're using me and that I'll be the one hurt in the end." I explained. I hadn't told him any of that yet. "I swear if they keep giving me a hard time about you, when they're just as much in the wrong as me, they're going to see how like you I can be."

"No." He frowned taking my head in his hands. "You are better than me. Don't let me change you."

"Too late." I told him.

Kissing me, his tongue parted my lips, pressing his body against mine as he deepened it. When he leaned away from me, I felt like I couldn't breathe. Bringing my hands up to his face, I kissed him again, feeling more alive with my lips against his then any other moment.

"You are a good person, Pen. You need to stay that way." He told me gently.

"I will." I nodded at him. "But I also know when to be strong."

He smiled, "I know."

"I don't want them to hate you." I told him sadly. "Why can't you show them what you show me?"

"Because no one else brings that out of me. You're special."

Smiling, I kissed him again, "I appreciate that but it's hard to defend you when all they see is how malicious you can be." Sighing, he nodded. Frowning, I hit his chest, "And stop antagonizing Four. Do you really enjoy getting a rise out of him that much?"

"Yes." He smiled, kissing me again.

Sighing, I took his head in my hands, running my thumbs back and forth across his cheeks. "Why am I so addicted to you?" I whispered as I stared into his eyes.

"Because I'm so damn adorable." He smirked at me.

Laughing, I wrapped my arms around his neck, pressing myself against him as his arm moved around me to keep me in place. "If you don't fuck me soon I'm going to have to find a replacement."

"You like me too much for that." He replied matter-of-factly.

"Says you." I smirked back with furrowed brows.

He playfully bit at my neck, making me laugh and struggle against him. Then his lips were against mine, his playfulness making me laugh harder. Moving deeper into the hallway, he stifled my laughter with his lips as he continued to torture me by gripping all the right places to make me squirm.


	14. The Struggle is Real

It had been days since the fun knife throwing and I hadn't seen Eric for more than a few minutes. It was horribly annoying. I hadn't gotten a good night's sleep since he was last in my bed and training was getting frustrating. It seemed that no matter how much we tried to teach, they weren't catching on fast enough.

"I can't take much more of this." I told Four.

"They're learning just like you did." He replied.

"Then maybe it's time to change the curriculum. Maybe they need a demonstration. We've been throwing all the basics at them but maybe they need to see them in action to fully understand what we're trying to teach them."

"Like me and you?" He frowned.

"Why not?" I smirked at him.

He scoffed and shook his head at me. "The last time I fought you, you ended up in the infirmary with the threat of having to be taken to the city hospital to hopefully keep you from dying. I will not fight you again."

"That was my own damn fault." I told him. "I'm not looking for a real honest to god fight. It's a demonstration."

"Fine." He sighed. "Clear the arena!" He yelled at the initiates.

Grinning as I followed him, I made sure to wipe it form my face as I turned in a circle and addressed the initiates. "Have you been paying any attention at all to what we've been trying to teach you?!" I yelled at them. "Edward is the only one who's shown true promise! Peter behind him! The rest of you are trying but failing miserably. Al, you're not going to make it at this pace. Terra, you're doomed unless you can show some backbone. Molly, you're like a frumpy troll but with less coordination. You flail around just hoping to make contact. Tris, you've come a long way but we need to see more effort from even you." I paused, taking in their expressions. Most knew it was true and others look like I had offended them. Good. Let them be offended. Maybe then they would attempt to learn something and prove it to us. "With that said, watch and learn."

Four and I faced off and I could see their smiles as they formed a ring around us. Four gave me a look as he brought his arms up to protect his face. Doing the same, I rolled my shoulders, remembering the lessons my mentor had taught me. Now it was time to see if the student had surpassed the teacher.

"Four!" We both turned to see Eric standing there with a hard look. "Step out."

He stepped forward and entered the arena, tossing his jacket aside. "No." I frowned softly, now seeing fear cross the initiates' faces. They were still very much afraid of him.

"Yes." He told me.

"I'm not mad at you." I whispered. "I don't want to fight you."

In the next second he had thrown a punch. I ducked and spun away from him. There was an audible gasp in the air. Bouncing on my feet, I laughed, nodding at him. He lunged at me again, his knuckles grazing my cheek as I leaned away from the impact. Slamming my fist into his side, he spun and jabbed at my shoulder, making me fall to one knee. Swiftly getting up, we faced each other, throwing punches and dodging them.

For a while it didn't seem like he was purposely trying to hit me, but I could clearly see the moment when it got boring for him. Recognizing it, I feigned to the side, darting to the other and swiping his legs out from underneath him. Moving to kick him, he gripping my foot twisting it in a way that I spun and landed on my stomach. Scrambling away from him, I crossed my arms, blocking the kick aimed at my face. The force of it put me back onto my feet and I once again bounced away from him.

Rushing to him I leapt into his arms. He involuntarily caught me and I slammed my forehead into his, making him stagger backward as he let me go. Leaping into the air, I bent my knees, punching him hard across the face on the way down. He fell back, looking at me as he wiped blood from the corner of his mouth. It appeared that I had the upper hand. However, in the next second he had his arms around my middle and I was slammed into the ground, the air being knocked from my lungs. He kicked my abdomen, making me curl into a ball to protect myself. He wasn't going to stop until I made him. Uncurling, the next blow he attempted to lay into me, I wrapped my arm around his ankle in a vice grip, rolling away from him. He was thrown off balance, though it didn't work as well as I had hoped. He fell to his knee, gripping me and sliding me across the floor. Spinning onto my back he rushed forward, reaching out for me. Gripping his arm, I put my feet against his chest, using his momentum to throw him over my head. Flipping onto my stomach, he was already moving toward me. Getting to my feet, he launched a powerful blow to my stomach, another against my side, a third across my cheekbone. Stumbling to the side, I frowned at him, my hands on my knees as I breathed hard.

"Alright, I think they've seen enough." Four called to us.

"They're both still on their feet." Peter stated.

Straightening, I looked at Peter, "You wanna know why?" He just looked at me. "Because in skill we are basically a match. It'd take a lot longer to put one of us down without proper motivation. This was a learning experience. But will you not be happy until someone is on the ground?"

"It's the rules." He smirked.

Smiling at him, I punched him as hard as I could straight in his face. He fell to the floor, the sound of it echoing through the room. He was clearly dazed, holding his hands to his face, blood trickling through his fingers. He didn't get up. "There." I told him. "Someone's on the ground." Everyone started to laugh and I couldn't hide the smile on my face.

"You okay?" Four asked me softly.

"I'm good." I told him.

We both looked at Eric. He had a hard expression on his face, but as soon as all eyes were back on Four as he told them to take position, he winked at me. Smiling, I wanted him badly. He furrowed his brows at me, making me sigh and turn away from him. Stepping next to Four, I watched as the initiates tried again, seeing far more motivation in their movements then I had before. I didn't know if it would make much of a difference but it was nice to show them what they could accomplish if they just put their minds to it.

When Terra entered the arena, she was to face Myra. It made sense. Both were weak, though that was also surprising since Eric enjoyed seeing at least one good beating a day. Though I couldn't deny the proud feeling that filled me when Terra beat her. She was like a fox, swift and nimble, yet vicious when she struck. It was impressive. She may have just saved herself from being factionless. And the more I watched her the more I saw Claude in her movements. Something was going on. Frowning, I turned and left the room.

Making my way to the control room, I saw Claude talking to Nathan; it didn't appear that a lot was going on. Opening the door, she looked at me, her smile fell and she nodded at me. Staying in the hall, I paced as I waited for her to join me. She came out and immediately put her hands on my face, seeing the fresh marks.

"Stop." I frowned at her, taking her hands from my face.

"Eric?" She asked.

"We put on a demonstration for the initiates. It wasn't done in anger and we've made amends." I told her.

"Then what's with the face?" She frowned back.

"Terra." I told her flatly.

She immediately tensed, crossing her arms as she took a step away from me. "What about her?"

"It's my turn to ask what you're doing." I replied. "What are you doing, Claude?"

"It's not like I'm breaking some law or anything." She shot at me.

"She's only sixteen and is not going to make it." I stated bluntly. "She should never have chosen Dauntless and she will become factionless before initiation is over."

"You don't know that."

"I do." I nodded. "I do know that. I've been watching her throughout this entire process and she is weak."

"She's not weak!" She said raising her voice. Raising my brows at her she swiftly calmed herself. "I'm just saying: don't count her out yet."

"I know you've been working with her." I said softly. "You're helping her and she won today. But I just don't think that it'll be enough."

"Just be patient with her. She may do a lot better in stage two."

"You're getting attached, Claude." I stated sadly.

"So are you, Pen." She replied. "At least my person is more acceptable than yours."

My anger spiked but I swiftly calmed myself. I didn't want this to turn into a fight. I just wanted to express my concerns. For she had been doing the same since she found out about me and Eric. Taking a deep breath, I sighed and nodded, "I know. But that isn't going to stop me. Just like Terra's standing shouldn't stop you. Even if she doesn't make it. I just don't want to see you get hurt."

"Me neither." She said. "I don't want you to hurt either and you've been doing a lot of that lately."

"I'm fine." I smiled. "Better than fine."

A tired look crossed her face. "Are you sleeping with him again?"

"No." I said shaking my head. "Even though I'd be thrilled with that. You'd be amazed with what he can do with his –"

"Pen!" She yelled. "Gross."

Laughing, I wrapped my arms around her. "I love you, Claude."

"Love you too." She replied hugging me back.

"If she does become Factionless, I need you to promise me that you won't fall apart." I told her, making her meet my eyes. "You need to accept that it's a possibility and I need you to be okay with that."

"I will be. We've discussed it."

"And?"

"And we've been training at night and working to make her a better fighter. We're hoping that she can make it through stage two with flying colors to bring her rank up. It's still possible. People have done it before."

"Not many."

"Way to be positive." She frowned.

"I'm being realistic." I stated. "You should be too."

"You should probably get back." She nodded at me.

Nodding back at her, I offered a smile, "Keep doing what you're doing. I'll do my best to help her as well. I'd like to see you happy and if she makes you happy, I'll do what I can."

"Thanks." She replied, smiling before going back into the control room.

Sighing, dropping my head back against my shoulders, I took a deep breath before making my way back to the training room. Stepping inside, Tris and Molly were in the arena. Stepping next to Four, I gently nudged him.

"How's it going?" I asked. He just shook his head and judging by the look on Eric's face, they were anything but impressed. "That good huh?" He just raised a brow. "Al?" He shook his head. Sighing, I nodded.

"Was that a birthmark I saw on your left butt cheek?" Molly told Tris with a smirk. "God, you're pale, Stiff."

Not caring what she was referring to, I waited for her to make the first move. It was her style. She liked making the first move after a taunt or two. I just wanted her to get on with it. And she did, throwing her weight into a punch she threw at Tris' face. Tris ducked and drove her fist into Molly's stomach, right above the bellybutton. She's quick and she moved out of reach, bringing her hands up to protect herself from Molly's next attempt.

Molly's not smirking anymore. The fight is getting real and she needs to focus. She ran at Tris like she's about to tackle her but she darts out of the way. Tris blocks her next punch with her forearm. Molly tried a sloppy kick to Tris' side, which she dodged, rushing forward and forced her elbow up at her face. Molly pulled her head back just in time, narrowly missing the blow. Molly got a good hit to Tris' ribs and she stumbled to the side, recovering her breath. I can see Tris taking her in, looking for a weakness. Throughout the entire fight Molly has been quick to protect her face, leaving her stomach and ribs open to be hit. She's been told to keep her arms lower but she had yet to remember to do so.

I could see the moment when Tris realized it. She aimed an uppercut low, below Molly's bellybutton. Her fist sinks into her flesh, forcing a heavy breath from her mouth that you can hear. As she gasps, Tris sweep-kicked her legs out from under her, and Molly fell hard onto the ground, sending dust into the air. Tris pulled her foot back and kicked her as hard as she can at her ribs. She curled into a ball to protect her side, and Tris kicked again, this time hitting her in the stomach. Tris started to kick the shit out of her, blood springing from her nose and spreads over her face.

"Jesus." I frowned. "Four." I said looking at him.

He swiftly moved forward, gripping her arms, and pulling her away from Molly. Molly is clearly in a lot of pain, groaning, and you can hear a gurgling in her throat, blood trickling from her lips.

"You won." Four told Tris. "Stop." Tris looked at him, wiping sweat from her forehead. They're staring at each other. "I think you should leave." He finally told her. "Take a walk."

"I'm fine." She replied. "I'm fine now."

Sighing, it's my turn to step forward, stepping past Four and Tris to the still groaning Molly. Swiftly looking her over, I called to Edward and Al, asking for their help in getting her to the infirmary. Simmy was there to help me as we cleaned and tended to her wounds. It took a lot longer than I had thought it would. I was worried that she had internal bleeding, but when she stopped coughing blood and the bruising had stopped spreading, I knew that it was just a bad beating. She'd stay in the infirmary for the night but she'd live to fight another day. Tris had done a number on her, something that I didn't think I'd ever see from a Stiff. Though I did my fair share of handing out beatings and I was from Amity.

"Keep an eye on her." I told Simmy. "If her condition gets any worse, send for me and we'll have to get her to the city hospital."

"Okay." She smiled.

Starting to leave, I stopped and turned back to her, "Do you ever leave?"

"For a little while." She smiled, starting to write notes.

Smiling, I shook my head, making my way to the Dining Hall. Grabbing a leftover burger from dinner, I ate it as I made my way back to my apartment, ready to relax for the evening. Stepping through the door Eric was laying on the bed. He looked as if he had sat on the edge of it, laid back, and by the sound of him he had already fallen asleep. Smiling, I stepped up to him, unable to stop staring at him. He was bruised with small cuts but I looked the same. I liked sparing with him. He never held back which made me never hold back. I couldn't if I wanted to survive.

Crawling onto the bed, I wrapped myself around him, running my hand across his chest as I pressed a kiss against his temple. He was breathing so steadily, I didn't think I would be able to wake him. Running my hand down his arm, I laced my fingers with the hand that was on his stomach, resting my head on my arm as I shut my eyes and listened to him. Falling asleep, I woke to movement, being lifted off the bed.

"What's going on?" I asked groggily, keeping my eyes shut as I leaned into his chest.

"You're fine." Eric replied, his voice like chocolate. "Just making you more comfortable."

"I was comfy." I told him, wrapping my arms around his neck.

I heard his small laugh. He laid me back onto the bed, feeling my pillow under my head. Feeling his hands at my waist, he took off the pants I had been wearing. Then my shirt and bra. I should have asked what he was doing, but I knew exactly was he was doing. There was a pause and I felt his fingers run along my skin, gently touching my nipple before I was met with fabric. Opening my eyes, I assisted with the tank top, smiling at him affectionately. He was already in just his boxer-briefs. He met my eyes before he leaned over me, kissing me slow and deep, resting his weight on top of me. Wrapping my arms around him, I kissed him back, tasting his tongue as his breath filled my senses.

"You're right. This is much better." I whispered to him.

He laughed and buried his face in my neck, gently biting it before placing a long kiss. "I –" He started but stopped.

"You what?" I asked smiling at him.

"I agree." He replied but I had a feeling that that wasn't what was about to come out of his mouth.

"Good." I said kissing him repeatedly. "Are you still sure you want to stay out of my pants?" I asked with a whisper.

"Yes." He said kissing me again. "We both know it's for the best."

"You're still here, Eric. Why not give in to what we both want?"

"Because I'm not good for you and eventually you'll get bored and kick me out." He replied.

"I doubt that." I said quickly.

He smiled, running the back of his fingers across my cheek. "You don't think so?"

Running my hands up his back, I wrapped my arm around his neck, my hand against his face, whispering, "Never." Kissing him passionately, I hugged him to my chest as he laid his head against it. Trailing my fingers up and down his back, he relaxed against me, his arms underneath my shoulders. Sighing contentedly, I shut my eyes, drifting back to sleep with him on top of me.

When morning came, I woke to an empty bed. Hearing the shower, I got up, moving toward the sound, running my fingers through my hair as I walked with my eyes shut. Seeing Eric in the shower, I smiled, leaning against the doorframe, watching him. Then I quickly undressed and stepped in with him. He put his arm around me, turning me into the stream as he pressed a kiss against my neck. For a moment I gripped him, wrapping my arms around him as I pressed myself against his chest. This was a nice way to start the day. If only we could be together without ridicule and judgement.

"This is nice." He smiled wrapping his arms around me as well, lifting my chin so he could kiss me. "If only we could do this every morning."

"I was just thinking the same thing." I smiled up at him kissing him again.

Starting to wash, he finished and stepped out, drying and pulling on clean clothes. He'd been here enough to accumulate enough for a drawer. I was sure Claude would have something snarky to say about it. When I was done I did the same. He handed me my toothbrush, putting paste on it. It was so normal it felt like something were about to happen to ruin it. There was a fight or something on the horizon. We weren't allowed to feel so content without something to make it all come crashing down.

"Visiting Day." Henry sighed as he sat next to me at breakfast.

"I know. I like it about as much as you do." I told him.

"And you're a frickin transfer." He smirked at me.

Nodding, I looked at him. He hadn't been the same with me since capture the flag. He now knew my secret and I knew that he was itching to talk to me about it but he didn't want to hear what I had to say. He didn't want to know that I was with Eric. He didn't want to hear me tell him how I gave myself to him. He wanted me to want him. But we had tried that twice now. Eric was inside of me and there was no removing him. I was in this for the long haul. I was in it even if Eric wasn't anymore.

"You have every right to be mad at me." I told him softly, not wanting to ignore the elephant in the room.

"I don't want to talk about it, Pen." He told me. "It's your life. You can make your own decisions."

"You do want to talk about it." I smiled at him. "You do. I know you do because I know you."

He scoffed and nodded at me. "You do."

"So let's talk about it."

"How long?" He replied quickly.

"Few months." I replied averting my eyes. He laughed and shook his head, blatantly avoiding eye contact. "It wasn't planned and I've tried to end it. We both have. But it hasn't worked. Despite who he is, with me he's amazing and gentle and loving."

"Loving?" He shot at me, his muscles tense. "Does he love you?"

"No." I told him.

"Do you love him?"

"I'm starting to."

"Don't be an idiot, Pen." He said shaking his head. "He's not capable of love and if you think you love him then he has out done himself. He's manipulating you."

"To what end?" I asked with a frown. "What do you think he has to gain from manipulating me?"

"A friend. Someone he can keep close for his own personal gain. He doesn't have anybody and now he's made you think that you care about him. He already has what he wants and he's going to take you down with him."

"And where is he going?" I frowned. "What fall do you foresee in his future?" He didn't say anything. "This has nothing to do with you so you can stop whatever wheel you have turning inside your head or I'll stop it for you." I told him with malice.

"You're threatening me?" He smiled before laughing. "Oh, Pen. You know that I can take you. Besides, we can't hurt each other."

"Henry." I said with a hard tone. "He is not manipulating me. I am with him because I want to be. So mess with one of us and you mess with both of us."

He laughed again. "Do you really think he'll do anything to protect you? He beat you for Christ's sake. He's not going to interfere because he doesn't want anyone to know. He has a reputation to hold and that doesn't include going soft over an Amity transfer."

"What is the matter with you?" I shot at him.

"I'm just trying to make you see that this is a bad idea and it's only going to end in heartbreak." He replied.

"Do you want to know what breaks my heart?" I frowned at him. "You. Right now. In this moment. I don't need you to tell me the risks. But I thought a little support would be nice. You know my secrets. All I ask now is for you to keep your fucking mouth shut." I told him and quickly left.

It was always something. Why was it that the people I cared about the most were abandoning me at every turn? This wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want to fall for the most hated man in my faction. I didn't want to feel like I was all alone with no one to talk to. Every time I tried to confide in anyone all I got was a string of disappointed words and how I was going to fall for the feelings I was harboring. What happened to supporting your friends no matter the outcome of their decisions? If it goes well then support me and be happy for me. If it goes bad then be there to support me through my tears. I don't need them to tell me what I was risking or what the consequences were. All I wanted was a little god damn support.

"Hey, you okay?" Four asked as I made my way to the parlor.

"No." I frowned and moved faster.

"Hey." He said jogging to fall in step next to me again. "What's going on?"

Stopping, I turned and faced him. "Why can't you support me? Why can't Claude and Henry support me? Why can't Tori support me? You all are my family now and _none_ of you will support me. Why is that, Four?" I shot at him angrily. He just sighed and looked at me sadly. "Answer me!"

"What's going on?" Eric asked stepping up to us. "The families will be arriving soon."

Looking at him and then at Four, I suddenly felt an overwhelming desire to be alone. "I think I'm going to sit this day out." I told them and walked away.

"Pen." Eric said following me.

"Everything is fine, Eric." I told him and picked up my pace.

"Pen!" Claude said running toward me. "There you are."

"What's up?" I asked her.

"Terra wants me to meet her parents." She smiled.

"That's a big deal." I smiled back, supporting her even though I knew the girl she was falling for was never going to make it through initiation. "That's good, Claude. Maybe it's what she needs to get through initiation. You and a visit from her family. Hopefully they'll be supportive of her."

"I hope so too." She smiled and sighed. "I'm excited."

"Then go eat a little breakfast and try not to throw up on them."

"Psh, whatever." She said before hugging me tightly. "Is everything okay?" She asked.

"Yeah, why?" I replied.

"Because Eric is pacing behind you with what I can only assume is concern written across his face."

"Everything's fine." I told her.

"Are you fighting again?" She asked. "If he hurt you –"

"He hasn't hurt me, Claude!" I yelled at her. "Why does everyone assume that he's going to hurt me and ruin me and live up to all the low expectations you and everyone else has for him? Just leave him the hell alone. And if you can't do that then you better leave me alone because I'm not turning from him. I don't care what you think. Or Henry. Or Four. I just want to feel like you support me and so far all of you are falling short in that." Rushing around her, I ran back to my apartment.

"Pen." Eric said following me.

"I just need a few minutes alone." I told him.

"Hey." He said stepping up to me.

Turning to him, I held up my hand, "I need a few minutes, Eric."

"Why?" He frowned.

"Because I'm trying to figure out why everything falls apart the moment I feel the slightest bit happy." I replied.

"What happened?" He asked gently.

"Would you protect me in front of everyone if something happened and I needed you?" I asked him.

"What?"

"Would you?" I said raising my voice. "Would you claim me as your own for all to see because we're in this together?"

"Pen, just calm down." He said gently.

"You wouldn't, would you?" I frowned at him. Scoffing, I paced away from him. "What are we doing then? You want me but you don't want anyone to know that. The people I thought were my friends who have become family disapprove at every turn and they aren't afraid to tell me. They think they're doing me a service by telling me what they think. But they don't – not for one second – take my own feelings into consideration. They don't _care_ about what I think. They won't listen to me because they think they know what's best for me. So I guess what I want to know is who the hell do I have in my corner? Who is supporting me in what I want? Who supports my feelings and the decisions I've made? Who do I really have, Eric? Who?"

His brows were furrowed as he slowly stepped up to me. "Me." He said as his expression softened and he slowly lifted his hands to my arms. "You have me."

"Do I though?" I frowned at him even though I relaxed at his touch. "You don't want anyone to know about us. It's like I'm trying to live two lives and I'm stretched so thin between the two of them that I could snap at any moment."

He laughed and paced away from me. "How many times are we going to do this?" He asked meeting my eyes again. "How many times is someone going to get into one of our heads and make us second guess everything? Every time that happens we think the answer is to end our relationship. If that's what this is. What if we should be cutting ties with everyone else? Your friends. My leadership role."

"You wouldn't give up your leadership." I told him. "And they wouldn't let you."

"But you can cut ties with your friends. If they make you so miserable than why do you keep them around?" He asked. "I make you happy. We both know that. If they don't then that's their problem, not yours. Don't let them do this to you."

"If I cut ties with them, then what am I going to do? How do I go to work and not talk to Tori? How do I train and not talk to Four? How do I go to the training room and to the dining hall and not talk to Claude and Henry?"

"So the answer is to turn from me?" He frowned. "To just let go of all those feelings and put it behind us like it didn't happen?"

"I'm not saying that." I told him. "But I made the mistake of letting my friends figure out what's going on here and they've made me feel small and worthless. They make me feel like a piece of meat that I've been feeding to you. I thought I could handle how hard this is."

"But you can't?" He asked sadly.

Shaking my head, I stepped closer to him, "I want to, Eric. I want to be able to do this but I'm tired. It's exhausting to live two lives when I'm trying to keep one a secret. Because I really don't think you'll ever claim me." He just stood there. "Your silence is telling."

"It's for your protection." He told me.

"I know." I told him. "I really do. But let's go back to the old way of you protecting me."

"I'll never treat you like that again." He frowned at me.

"But you'll treat others that way. Why am I so special to see this side of you? I never asked for this, Eric. It was thrown at me and I want to embrace it but we can never truly be together. You're too hated and I'm far too watched. Even now I bet Four's upstairs listening to this."

"Don't be paranoid." He told me.

"I'm not. I'm just saying that now that they know they are watching me very closely. Any mood shift and they think you did something. They'll never accept you and that makes things hard."

"We knew it was going to be hard."

Looking at him, I kept his eyes, trying to decide if I was really ready yet or not. "I think I'm ready."

"Ready for what?" He shot at me.

"To let you go. I'm a distraction to you and your job. You're the cause of the rift between me and every other person I care about."

"Do I get a say?" He frowned.

"Not this time." I said shaking my head.

He sighed, pulling me against him, kissing me deeply. "Maybe third times the charm."

"Maybe." I smiled, kissing him again.

"Alright." He nodded and moved to the door. Smiling at him, he returned it before leaving.

Falling backward onto the bed, I was already sorry. But I was so tired of being pulled in two different directions. If I had to choose then I would be with Eric. I would always want him but he would never claim me as his. I would always be the mistress hidden away and only called upon when no one else was around.

Taking a long shower, I went to bed. It took forever to fall asleep and it felt like only minutes had passed when there was frantic pounding on my door. Shooting up, I swiftly moved to it, opening the door to see Simmy with blood on her hands.

"You need to come." She told me.


	15. It's Always Something

Leaving without hesitation, I slammed the door behind me. Running down the halls with bare feet, my first thought was of Eric. I didn't think he'd have gone and done anything stupid since he left but that didn't mean someone else didn't pick a fight with him. My second thought was Henry. He was pissed and when he was angry and if he decided to drink anything then he wouldn't hesitate to go after Eric. In his mind he was the reason I hadn't picked him. Then I thought of Four and then Claude. All of my worst case scenarios were running through my head.

I could hear the screaming long before we got to the infirmary. Rushing faster, when we finally got there, there was a moment's relief before the shock of what I was seeing started to set in. Edward lay on one of the beds, a butter knife sticking out of his eye. Rushing forward, I called for as much gauze as they could find, morphine, and to get a stretcher ready because we were going to have to move fast.

"Get a truck ready." I told Nathan who was helping to hold him down as I put pressure around the knife with the gauze. He met my eyes with concern. "We can't deal with this here. We're not doctors. We need to get him to a truck."

He nodded and swiftly ran off. The amount of blood that was covering him, spilling from his eye, his screams filling the room. He thrashed, blood flying, I could feel it hitting my face as I tried to hold him down. His screams were piercing and I wished he would just pass out.

"Edward! Hold still!" I tried to yell over his screams.

Taking the morphine from Simmy, my fingers had trouble gripping the bottle and syringe, blood making them slick. Finally getting a dose out of it, I administered it, hoping it would be enough until we got him to the hospital. I'd made the drive enough to know I could get us there.

"We should wait for the leaders." Margaret, one of the older nurses told me. She was hardly ever here. But she was older and there for wiser in her eyes.

"We don't have time." I told her. "Ed!" I yelled as he continued to writhe with pain. "Edward! I'm trying to help you!" Trying to pack the wound was difficult with all his movement. His heart was racing; I could feel it under my palm as I tried to hold him still. He wasn't giving my packing time to try and control his bleeding. "Ed!"

Then his screams started to slow. "Pen." He said turning his head toward me.

His blood spilled over the gauze I'd already placed, drenching my hands. "I'm here."

"Peter." He said putting his hand against my face. "Peter did this."

Meeting his eyes, I could see his terror. For a long moment I couldn't look away from him. Feeling tears, I took a deep breath, pushing them aside. "He'll get his comeuppance. I promise you he will."

"The pain is better." He said with a small smile, his hand still against my face.

"That's good, Ed." I smiled. "Try and hold still. I need to pack the wound and we're going to get you to the hospital."

"Okay." He said trailing his fingers down my neck and arm. I could feel the blood sliding with them.

He started to scream again as I packed the wound, taping it into place, making sure there was no room for the knife to move. Any movement at all could lead to permanent damage. I was sure he was already going to lose his eye; I'd make sure nothing else happened to him.

"I'll go with." Simmy told me.

"No." I told her. "I need you here." She nodded. Looking at the strangers that surrounded me, I nodded, "Let's move! On the count of three! One! Two! Three!" Hoisting Edward onto the stretcher, we were on the move, rushing through the halls to the garage. Loading him into the back of a truck, I swiftly got in with him, hitting the top of the truck. "Let's go." I told him.

"I don't know the way." Nathan told me with a panicked expression.

Getting out, I rushed to the driver's side, opening the door before pulling him from the cab. "Get in the back and keep him steady." I told him, pushing him toward the back.

He did as he was told. As soon as he told me he was good we were off. Hitting the gas, the truck lurched forward. In my panic it took me a while to remember what I was doing, my mind centered on the screaming boy in the back, making the first few minutes a bit rocky. Forcing myself to focus, I smoothed the truck out, my speed accelerating.

Charging through the streets, taking sharp turns, and blowing through debris in the road, I drove as fast as I could until the center of the city came into view. Edward's screaming had intensified, making my skin crawl with the sound. It was horrific. Skidding to a stop in front of the hospital, I got out and screamed for help. It didn't take long for nurses to appear and soon Edward was taken from the truck and out of sight.

Nathan stayed one step behind me as we went into the hospital. They asked me what had happened and I told them as much as I knew. I didn't know what had happened but I told them what I'd done for him. As soon as they had their information we were told that we could return to Dauntless. They would take it from here and would be in touch with his condition. Going back to the truck, looking at my hands, they were once again sticky with drying blood. Feeling myself start to shake, I looked at Nathan. For some reason I thought he'd offer me some sort of comfort. But he was paler than I was, his shaking more intense, and the blank stare on his face told me that I was in better condition than he was.

Wrapping my arm around him, I pulled him against my side, "It's okay, Nate. He'll be okay."

"All the blood..." He said as he looked at his hands.

"Will wash off." I told him, taking his hand in mine. "We did what we could and we got him here."

"Your face." He frowned at me. "Your shirt. Your hands."

"I know." I nodded at him. "Let's go home and we can clean up, okay?"

Getting back into the truck, the drive home was much slower than the drive there. All the while we both stared out the windshield, not wanting to talk about it and just looking at each other was too much. His blood was still on us and it made it surreal. Why had Peter done it? What would have motivated him to attack someone like that?

When I finally parked the truck, Nathan got out and rushed inside. I lingered, only looking up when I saw movement. Eric was standing there with a pained expression on his face. Swiftly getting out of the truck, I stepped up to him, tears in my eyes. I opened my mouth to say something but no sound came out. Shrugging, shaking my head, he didn't say anything; he simply wrapped me in his arms. Sobbing into him, I gripping him as tightly as I could, afraid of what I'd seen, sick and tired of having blood on my hands. Some was fine, but I felt like it was everywhere. Like I had bathed in it. Eric spoke soft words to me, calming me as best he could. When the tears finally slowed, he took my head in his hands, making me meet his eyes. He offered me a small smile, his lips parting to say something, only we were interrupted.

"Pen." My name was called from behind him.

Looking, Max was standing there. "Max." I said more air than sound.

"Will you come with me please? I'd like a report of what happened while it's still fresh."

Nodding, I looked up at Eric. His brows were furrowed, but he nodded at me. Gripping his hand, I felt his fingers run down my back as I moved to follow Max. We were quiet before going into his office. He motioned for me to sit, but I raised my hand and shook my head. "I don't want to get blood on anything."

"Sit, Pen." He told me. Sighing, I did as I was told, avoiding touching anything with my hands and arms. "What happened tonight was terrible. I'm sure it was hard for you."

"I've had a lot of blood on my hands the past few months."

"You have." He agreed. "More than you should have." I nodded. "How is he?"

"They took him away and as soon as they got our report they told us to leave. They'll be in touch with his condition." I told him.

He nodded and for a long moment he just looked at me. I felt like he was trying to figure something out. "How did you come to be there?"

"Simmy came to get me."

"Why?"

"Because I've taken the infirmary under my wing. I've been learning a lot and have been trying to help out there as much as possible." I told him.

"You tattoo, you work in the infirmary, and you sleep with one of your leaders. Seems like you've got your hand in just about everything." He stated nonchalantly.

Frowning at him, I leaned forward, putting my elbows on my knees. "I wouldn't call that everything."

"So you don't deny it?"

"Why would I deny what you already know? You already know I tattoo and you already know that I work in the infirmary so I can only assume that what you're referring to is the sleeping with one of my leader's thing. And I'm not." I replied. "So if you're going to accuse me of something then move it along. It's been a long night."

"You're not?" He said with raised brows, ignoring everything I'd said after that. "Then who was it who greeted you when you returned? Who is staring at you whenever you come into a room? Who seems to revolve around you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." I frowned at him. "Yes, he was waiting for me when I got back. He comforted me. But the rest of it?" I said shaking my head. "I don't know what you're talking about." I repeated as I annunciated every word to make sure he wasn't reading into anything. For another long moment he just looked at me. "So are you accusing me of something or what?"

He leaned forward, keeping his eyes trained on me. "Okay." He nodded. "Let me be frank with you. I appreciate the way you helped Edward tonight and everyone else. I've heard good things. I know you do good work in the Parlor."

"But?" I said rubbing my hands together, my skin sticking from the blood still on them.

He sighed, running his hand down his face, "Why are you making this hard?"

"I'm still trying to figure out what exactly you're trying to say to me." I shot at him. "I'm not sleeping with Eric. We've gotten close over the past few months. We're friends. All of this is something that you already know."

"So?"

"So make your point!" I yelled at him.

A smirk crossed his face. "You're going to yell at one of your leaders?"

"It hasn't stopped me in the past." I shot at him, bowing my head. "Now can we please get back to why I'm still sitting here?"

"Pen." He said firmly.

"What, Max? What are you going to tell me? Are you going to tell me to stay away from him? That he's not good for me?"

A hard expression crossed his face. "Stay away from him." He told me. "You're too good for him and you're changing him. He has work to do and he can't have you distracting him."

"How am I changing him?" I frowned, getting more annoyed by the minute.

"It doesn't matter, Pen. The fact is, is that the Eric we're relying on to do his job, hasn't been showing up. When you two are off, he does. I need you to stay away from him so he can focus on his work."

"What work?" I asked next.

"That's none of your business." He shot at me. "I don't want to make threats but the more time he spends with you the more change I see."

"And that's a bad thing?" I frowned.

"It is if he wants to finish the job he's been given." He nodded. "And we need him to do his job."

"You're awfully adamant about whatever job he's been given." I stated, narrowing my eyes at him.

"And you're too curious about it." He shot at me. "One might think you're hiding something."

It was time to back down. I was giving him too much to think about. Sighing, I nodded at him, "Okay, Max. You win. I won't see him anymore."

"Are you just telling me what I want to hear?" He frowned.

"No." I said shaking my head. "I understand your position and no one in my life approves of us. It'll be for the best."

"I'm glad we can see eye to eye on this." He smirked at me, giving me a sense of relief.

Nodding, wanting to argue more but was just too damn tired to, I stood, "Me too. Anything else?"

"Just one thing." He told me with furrowed brows. I looked at him expectantly. "You're a good kid, Pen. Why did you get mixed up with him to begin with?"

Cocking my head, I was slightly surprised by the question, "You know it just kind of…happened." I replied. "And even when it started I had no feelings for him."

"But you do now?" He asked.

I nodded, "Yeah, I do."

He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, "So does he."

Smiling softly at him, I nodded again, "I know."

He was big on the long stares tonight. Shifting my feet, I kept his eyes. "This is me asking you to please keep your word."

Now it was my turn to give him a long stare. "I'll keep my word as best I can."

"Pen." He frowned.

"It's the best I can do, Max." I told him, getting a heavy sigh in return. "Have you ever been in love?" He sighed again and nodded at me. "Then you can understand why it's the best I can do."

"You love him?" He asked.

"No." I replied. "But if we were completely accepted by our faction and my family, it wouldn't be much of a reach."

"I can understand that."

Smiling, I took a step toward his desk. "That's because you're a good guy." He smirked and nodded at me. "Have a good night, Max."

I was nearly to the door when he said my name, making me turn back to him. "I can see why he likes you."

Smirking, I narrowed my eyes at him, "I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing."

He gave a short laugh. "It's a good thing."

"So we're good?" I asked, suddenly needing to know if he was suspicious or not.

He nodded, "We're good, Pen. Sorry about tonight."

"You're doing what you have to do." I stated.

"And I need your help to do it." He replied matter-of-factly.

"I'll do the best I can."

He waved his hand, smirking again. Swiftly taking my leave, I took a deep breath as soon as I was away from his door. Feeling both better and worse about everything, I moved as fast as I could, not wanting to be seen with all this blood covering me. All I wanted was a long hot shower, to sit under the stream, and then cry out all the emotions that were moving through me. Only when I got there the door was cracked open and Eric's angry voice drifted out into the hall.

"I know that none of you like me. I could care less about that. But you are supposed to be her friends. The people she considers family. And where were you tonight? If you all know her so well then you would know that after what happened to Neely and to herself, what happened to Edward would rattle her. She needs the support of her _family_ and where were you? Where were you when she needed you?" He paused, being only met with silence. "She was there for you, Claude, when you wanted to talk about Terra. She looked out for you and she knew you weren't looking for her opinion but her support and she handed it over to you. And you, Four. Where were you? She was there for training to help you out and for whatever you've got started with the initiate. She's not blind. She sees more than you think she does. Not to mention all the other shit you've had going on lately. And Henry? Where were you when she supported you all through your training and through the relationship that she didn't want with you? She's always been there to talk and to help you forget whatever's bugging you. Where is your support when she needs it?" He was met with silence, but I knew that he was just getting wound up. "Do you want to know where I was?" He shot at them and paused. "I was at those doors waiting for her to come home. I was standing there waiting for her and when she got here the relief was clear on her face. It would have been there for any one of you but it was me who stood there." His voice was starting to sound too invested in my feelings. He was sounding like he cared too much. "I opened my arms to her and she embraced me, sobbing into my chest with Edward's blood still on her hands. And where were you?" He said waiting for a response. "None of you have anything to say?" Still nothing. "Well I can tell you right now that despite your feelings about me and what you think I'm doing to her, you're pushing her right into my arms with your lack of support. She no longer wants to talk to you, let alone spend time with you. She dreads seeing you because she's afraid of what you'll say next. Henry. You've been the biggest disappointment of all."

"Fuck you." He shot at him.

"Fuck me?" Eric said with a smirk, I could hear it in his voice. "Sorry, I don't swing that way. Pen can attest to that."

"You son of a bitch." Four said and I could hear him move.

"Maybe." Eric replied. "But I'm still the person she'd rather have around than any of you."

"We never meant to make her feel bad about herself." Claude said sadly.

"Didn't you?" Eric shot at her. "You know what, Claude. I have to say you've been the most supportive out of everyone." He told her. "But you have never been afraid to tell her exactly what you think. She already knows. All she wanted was to share something with you and you all shot her down every time. None of you are any better than me."

"Like hell we're not." Henry shot at him. "At least we love her. She's just an accessory to you."

"An accessory?" Eric said calmly. That was never good. "You're right, Henry. She's nothing but an accessory to me and that's why I'm standing here wondering why you all have abandoned her. I do that for all my accessories."

"We haven't abandoned her." Four said with a dangerous tone. "And I think you should leave before she gets here."

"She's already here." Eric told him, I could hear the smile in his voice. "She's been listening to this entire conversation."

"What?" Claude said with nervousness.

Pushing the door open, I stepped inside, wrapping my arms around myself. They all looked at me as if they were wounded. They stared at the blood more than they met my eyes. Eric had hit a nerve for all of them. "How did you know?" I smiled at him.

"I left it cracked for a reason." He told me.

He knew me better than I had thought. Something that excited me and depressed me all at the same time. "Thank you." I replied.

"Don't mention it." He said with his eyes still on my family. "Now it's your turn to add anything you've wanted to tell them."

Looking at them all, I had plenty of things come to mind. For a moment I was just going to let them off the hook. Opening my mouth to tell them to leave or that all was forgiven, but I stopped, taking a moment to think. Looking at Eric, he met my eyes. He nodded and sighed, offering me the faintest of smiles. It was all the reassurance I needed. Looking at them, I stepped forward, rubbing my arm.

"None of you have approved since the moment you found out. That's why I never said anything. Then one by one you found out the truth and have all told me exactly what you think about him and what you think is best for me. I have never felt more judged in my life. I have never felt so looked down upon. I have never been treated like the child you all take me for." I told them, my throat momentarily constricting. Swallowing, I scoffed, shaking my head at them. "I am tired of defending myself. I'm tired of defending Eric. I shouldn't have to work so hard for something that makes me happy. It has nothing to do with any of you. I am more myself with him than apart from him. I've tried to share that with you but all you do is tell me how wrong it is and how I'm the one who will get hurt. I'm already hurt. You all hurt me every time you give me that disapproving look. It's the only look I get anymore. I've supported you in everything you've done and the moment I need it you turn your backs."

"It's not like you've been around much." Henry stated.

"And that makes it okay?" I frowned at him. "I've been busy. Working mostly. I see Eric at night and periodically throughout the day and when have I ever shown affection toward him in public?"

"The night of capture the flag." He replied.

"Fine." I said waving my hand before dropping my arm to my side. "One moment in public otherwise you would have never known unless I'd already told you what was happening. You have no right to judge me when I'm not judging you. It's no longer just concern. You are all blatantly judging and belittling me. I am supposed to be your friend. Your family. And yet you treat me like I'm a child who's made a mistake and needs to be punished."

"You are making a mistake." Henry shot at me.

"And how many times do I have to say that it is mine to make? Is there nothing else going on that we need to focus on me and Eric? Four. You have Tris. Claude. You have Terra. Henry. Well…at this point I don't give much of a fuck what you do. Today you made it very clear where we stand. I don't even know why you're here."

"To protect you."

"I don't need your protection." I frowned harder at him. "I need your support."

"I don't have any to give!" He yelled, moving toward me.

"Watch yourself." Eric said holding out his hand, stepping closer to me.

"Or what?" He said getting in Eric's face. "You gonna hit me?"

Stepping to him, shoving Henry back, I took Eric's hand. "Stop it." He looked at my hand being encompassed with Eric's, scoffing as he stepped back. "I think it might be best if you all just go."

"Pen." Claude said sadly.

"I love you." I told her. "I love you and I hope Terra makes it through, and that meeting her parents went well, but I just…I don't want to be with you right now. Because as much as it pains me to say it, everything Eric has said is true."

"We came here to make sure you were okay." She said stepping toward me. "I know we weren't there when you came back but that's because we were here."

"I appreciate that." I told her.

"But?" Four said.

"But none of you have been there when I need you so I don't need you now." He nodded and moved toward the door. "Four."

"No, I get it." He said. "I understand and I'm not arguing. I just hoped you'd be able to see past all of it."

"Can you see past me being with Eric?" I asked him.

"No." He replied. "I can't, Opie. He may have won this round but it doesn't make me like him any more than I did ten minutes ago." Tears welled in my eyes and I saw his resolve weaken. Stepping up to me, he pressed a kiss against my forehead before leaving.

"I'm sorry, Pen." Claude said sadly.

"Me too." I nodded at her. "I'll see you later."

Then it was just Henry who stood in front of us. "He'll bring you down." He told me with a hard tone. "And I hope I'm there to see it."

"Get out." Eric shot at him.

"Then I'll be the white knight." He smirked and left.

As soon as they were gone the tears started to fall and I stepped away from Eric, sitting on the edge of the bed. "Thank you for what you said to them." He nodded. "You don't have to stay." I added. "I'll be okay. I'm just gonna shower and try and get some sleep."

"Let me hold you tonight." He stated softly. "Just for tonight."

"It's never just for tonight." I smirked at him.

He nodded, stepping up and wiping the tears from my cheeks before he kissed me sweetly. He didn't care that blood was being rubbed onto his hands in the process. "I still mean what I said. You've got me."

"I appreciate that and hearing you say it makes me extremely happy. But we both know it's for the best."

"Why didn't you tell them that you've decided not to see me anymore?"

"Because it would have given them too much satisfaction." I smiled at him. He nodded again. "This is too much work, Eric. Between them and Max and everything that the two of us have going on. It'll be easier. I didn't say it wouldn't be hard or that I stopped wanting you. I'm simply trying to keep the peace for all of us."

"There's that Amity again."

Smiling, I nodded at him, "I care about you a lot, Eric. I just don't see how we can keep going on like we have been. Secrets are lies and I'm sick of both."

"I understand, Pen. I do. I just got used to having you around and having you next to me at night."

"That'll be the hardest part. Not kissing you and not sleeping next to you." I grinned at him. "Two things I'm very fond of."

He laughed, kissing me again. "Me too." For a moment he just looked at me. Then he made his way to the door, gripping the knob before turning and looking at me. I smiled and nodded at him. "Okay." He said and left.

Going to the bathroom, I looked at my reflection, seeing more red than anything else. Shaking started to take over again and I started to rip the clothes off of my body, throwing them into the garbage before getting into the shower. Scrubbing my skin until it was blood free and yet nearly as red as it had been with it. I felt like I couldn't get clean enough. Tears seemed to stream from my eyes, thinking of all the people whose blood I have had on my hands. I'm not talking the minor wounds but the ones where blood spilled onto them.

When I finally got out, drying myself off, I went into the other room to see Claude sitting on the bed. She quickly stood up, looking at me sadly, "I couldn't just leave like that."

Smiling, I pulled on clothes and stepped up her, wrapping my arms around her. "Thank you for coming back."

"Talk to me, Pen." She told me.

Nodding, I crawled onto the bed, hugging a pillow to myself. She did the same, facing me. "I'm sick of blood being on my hands." She nodded sadly. "But then Max had the balls to pull me aside, asking me for my report of the night. But what he really wanted to do was tell me to stay away from Eric."

"He said that?" She frowned.

"He did." I replied. "He's been given a job to do and I am too much of a distraction and I've been ordered to stay away from him."

"Are you?"

"Yeah." I said sadly.

"Why?" She frowned. "You care about him. I'm pretty sure you love him. But you're gonna just give him up?"

"He puts too much pressure on my relationship with all of you. Not to mention the whole Max thing. It's better for both of us. Things can go back to the way they were. I don't need him to be happy."

"The look on your face tells me different."

"What am I supposed to do?" I asked her.

"Keep him." She told me. "Let it stay secret. I'll play along. I'll be your confidant and you can tell me anything."

"You don't approve." I frowned at her.

"Pen, I don't care who he is, as long as he makes you happy." She replied, tucking my hair behind my ear.

"After everything you've said you're just going to be okay with it now?" I asked, trying not to get annoyed with her.

"As much as it pains me to say it, Eric was right. We've been judgmental and unsupportive. I'm changing that right now. Four is supportive as well; he's just too stubborn to tell you. He sees how happy you are and he supports that. He just can't stand Eric."

"I know." I sighed.

"But he's growing on me." She smirked.

"You're not just saying that?" I asked her nervously.

She smiled putting her arm around me. "No. I'm completely serious."

Feeling tears, I wrapped my arm around her, hugging her tightly to me. "Thank you."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Now go to sleep. If you're gonna stop seeing him, then I'll be here to replace him."

"No, Claude." I told her. "You have your own shit to worry about. I'll be okay."

"Anytime – day or night – that you need anything you need to come to me. If you need a sleeping buddy, you tell me."

"What if we wake up spooning?" I asked teasingly.

"Then it'll have been a good night." She smirked.

Laughing, I felt ten times better than I had earlier. "Thank you." I told her again.

"There's nothing to thank me for. Now go to sleep." She told me again.

Shutting my eyes, dipping my chin against my chest, I fell asleep to her trailing her fingers up and down my back. I was truly grateful to her. We'd all been so preoccupied with our own lives and it took Eric to bring us back together. Maybe Max was right, maybe I was changing him more than I thought. Maybe he was turning into the good guy.


	16. Building Trust

After a few days it seemed like life had regained a little bit of normalcy. I'd managed to preoccupy myself with work in the parlor as well as redecorating my apartment a little. And by redecorating, I mean I added an upholstered bench at the end of my bed. I purchased it white and spent another few days tediously decorating it with markers. Paints weren't going to work as well and I knew it wouldn't be used for sitting as much as an extra spot to put shit. But it did the trick. I didn't think about Eric every second. It was more like every other second.

Claude was still nearly a constant shadow when she wasn't in the control room. Though I appreciated her job more knowing she could keep an eye on Eric. I knew he'd be fine but I still didn't want him to be completely alone. Henry was acting like nothing had happened and Four was being more than supportive of everything I did. He was doing it to annoy me but I still appreciated it.

"What are you going to do now that I don't need you anymore?" Four asked.

"Thanks." I frowned at him.

"Sorry." He smiled. "I just meant with training."

"How's stage two going?" I asked him.

He nodded, "It's going well."

"I hear Tris's times are unapproachable." I stated.

He nodded again before sighing, meeting my eyes. "And for the record. Nothing is happening between me and Tris. I know you think there is and Eric does as well. But nothing is happening."

"Not yet." I smiled at him. "I'm not stupid, Four. And I know you better than that. Nothing may have happened yet but it's going to. I know you."

He sighed, rubbing his hand as he met my eyes. "So, really, what are you going to do?"

"I'm not going to pine over Eric if that's what you mean." I told him.

"I don't believe you." He replied.

Laughing, I nodded. "Yeah, well…" I said and trailed off. "I guess I'll spend more time in the parlor and the infirmary."

He looked at me sadly. "Do you really wanna do that?" He asked.

"Yes." I frowned at him. He wouldn't meet my eyes and he had that stoic face that was telling me he'd done something. "What did you do?" I asked him.

"I filled Tori in on what went down at your place the other night."

Sighing, I nodded, "And?"

"And she feels more guilty than the rest of us." He replied. Grumbling, I stood up, grabbing an extra muffin. "Where are you going?"

"To talk to Tori." I told him blandly before walking off.

Going to the parlor, Bud was talking to a customer and Tori was nowhere in sight. Going to the back, she was standing there, drinking some coffee while looking through some sketches I had dropped off a few days ago. I'd left them when no one was here, not wanting to deal with anyone at the time. She did a double-take when she saw me, putting her cup down and stepping up to me, wrapping me in her arms.

"I'm fine. I'm not mad and I don't want you to feel guilty for anything." I told her.

"Even though I deserve it. We've gone rounds but I didn't realize that you were feeling so hurt by it."

"Well, now you know."

"I'm sorry, Pen." She told me sadly.

I nodded at her, "I know."

"I'm sorry about Eric too."

"What happened to Eric?" He said stepping in.

Looking at him, I felt a flutter in my stomach. "Hey." I told him.

"A word?" He said frowning at me.

Tori looked at me, offering a sympathetic smile, "I'll be up front. I'll make sure you get a few minutes of privacy."

"Thank you." I told her, crossing my arms. As soon as she was gone, I turned to Eric. "Eric –" I started but before I could say anything else his lips were against mine. Kissing him back, I wrapped my arms around him, feeling everything else fall away. But then I pushed him away from me. "Eric." I said sadly. "We can't."

"What did he say to you?" He frowned at me.

"To stay away from you. He seems to think I'm changing you and that is unacceptable for the job you've been given." I replied. "He's set on it. If we try and go against him, he will come back with something worse than words."

"He threatened you?" He frowned at me.

"No. Not really. There was definitely a threatening undertone but he didn't actually put it into words." He scoffed and started to pace in front of me. "Baby, stop." I said gripping his hand. "It's not worth it." I told him. He glared at me. "That's not what I meant. I'm just saying that there is far too much conflict surrounding us. It's not fair and I wish it was different but it's not and there are only so many places in Dauntless we can hide."

"I hate this." He said gently playing with my fingers.

Stepping closer to him, I put my hand against his face. "Do not let feelings get in the way. You don't feel for me. You don't care about me. I was a fling. You don't need me. You don't want me. I'm just one more girl you've had in your bed. Easily discarded."

"Pen." He frowned at me.

"Eric, that's the story. That's what you need to believe. That's what's going to happen. It's over. I'm sorry. God, I'm sorry. But it's over."

He nodded and moved toward the door. Stopping, he turned and looked at me, "For the record, you're the only girl I've ever had in my bed."

Smiling at him, I took a few steps toward him before stopping myself. "And you're the most amazing I'll ever have." I told him.

He took a step toward me and stopped. He smirked and shifted his feet, "You know this is never going to work, right?"

"We'll make it work." I told him.

He smiled at me, "You've been very unexpected, Penelope Farrier."

Then he was gone. Hearing him say my name made a shiver run up my spine. Being near him gave me warmth, now without him, the room felt cold. Taking a deep breath, I smiled at Tori as she came back in. "Hey."

"He didn't look very happy."

"Why should he be?" I replied now frowning. "We're being forced apart by everyone around us. That doesn't leave a lot of _happiness_ for us to feel." Slamming a tray down, I took a deep breath.

"Just be with him." Tori told me.

"No." I said shaking my head.

"You love him, Pen." She smiled sadly. "Torturing yourself isn't going to change that."

Looking at her, I nodded, picking up what I had dropped and started to get to work. There wasn't a lot going on so once the afternoon hit, I was sitting on one of the beds, sketching away. Tori and I were catching up while she sorted through a stack of papers on the counter, talking and laughing like we used to. It helped take my mind off of Eric. Since it was quiet, we both looked up when someone walked in.

"Hello, Tris." Tori told her, glancing at Bud before meeting my eyes. "Let's go in the back."

Tris followed her behind the curtain. Following, I looked at the few chairs and spare supplies and framed artwork. Tris already looked anxious. Tori pulled the curtain and sat on one of the chairs. Tris sat next to her, tapping her feet. She kept eyeing me, and I just smiled at her, waiting for her to say something.

"What's going on?" Tori asked her. "How are the simulations going?"

Tris looked at me before Tori. "I was hoping we could talk alone."

I laughed lightly, sitting on a chair. Tori shot me a warning look before she looked at Tris. "Anything you have to say can be said to Pen as well. You probably have more in common than you think."

"Fine." Tris stated.

"So how are they going?" I asked her.

"Really well." Tris nodded. "A little too well, I hear."

"Ah."

"Please help me understand." Tris said quietly. "What does it mean to be…?" She said and hesitated. I knew which word she was thinking of. One I remembered using with just as much hesitation in the past. "What the hell am I? What does it have to do with the simulations?"

Tori's demeanor changed and she leaned back, crossing her arms. I can tell she's trying to decide what to say and what not to. Deciding whether to tell her all she knew or if she should just send the girl away. Before she could say anything, I couldn't help but pipe up.

"You're special." I smiled at her.

"But what does that mean?" She asked.

Tori met my eyes and I smiled. She was good at dealing with the Divergent. "Among other things, you…you are someone who is aware, when they are in a simulation, that what they are experiencing is not real." She finally told her. "Someone who can then manipulate the simulation or even shut it down. And also…" She leaned forward and looked into her eyes. "Someone who, because you are also Dauntless…tends to die."

Smiling, I nodded, seeing the fear seep into Tris. I remember the tight feeling in my chest. She was processing and was either going to cry, scream, or…

"Yup, there it is." I smiled as she let out a harsh little laugh.

"So I'm going to die, then?" She said looking between us.

I shook my head at her, "No, Tris."

"Not necessarily." Tori told her after she glanced at me. "The Dauntless leaders don't know about you yet. I deleted your aptitude results from the system immediately and manually logged your result as Abnegation. But make no mistake—if they discover what you are, they will kill you."

Tris stared at her in silence. She's gaging whether we're out of our minds or not. Tori sounded completely serious, even with a hint of urgency. After what happened to George, she had done everything in her power to keep the rest of us safe.

"You're paranoid." Tris told her before looking at me. "The leaders of the Dauntless wouldn't kill me. People don't do that. Not anymore. That's the point of all this…all the factions."

"Oh, you think so?" Tori said planting her hands on her knees and stares at her, her features taut with sudden ferocity.

"Careful, Tris." I told her softly.

"They got my brother, why not you, huh? What makes you special?" Tori shot at her.

"Your brother?" Tris replied with furrowed brows.

"Yeah. My brother. He and I both transferred from Erudite, only his aptitude test was inconclusive. On the last day of simulations, they found his body in the Chasm. Said it was a suicide. Only my brother was doing well in training, he was dating another initiate, he was happy." She shook her head. "You have a brother, right? Don't you think you would know if he was suicidal?" Tris was clearly thinking about it. Tori lowered her voice. "In the second stage of training, Georgie got really good, really fast. He said the simulations weren't even scary to him…they were like a game. So the instructors took a special interest in him. Piled into the room when he went under, instead of just letting the instructor report his results. Whispered about him all the time. The last day of simulations, one of the Dauntless leaders came in to see it himself. And the next day, Georgie was gone."

"Is that all it is?" Tris asked. "Just changing the simulations?"

Tori looked at me, making Tris do the same. Sighing, I shook my head, "No."

"How many people know about this?" Tris asked. "About manipulating the simulations?"

"Two kinds of people." Tori told him. "People who want you dead. Or people who have experienced it themselves. Firsthand. Or secondhand, like me."

When Tris spoke again, it was slowly, "I don't understand why the Dauntless leaders care that I can manipulate the simulation."

"If I had it figured out, I would have told you by now." Tori told her, pressing her lips together. "The only thing I've come up with is that changing the simulation isn't what they care about; it's just a symptom of something else. Something they do care about." Tori took her hand and pressed it between her palms. "Think about this. These people taught you how to use a gun. They taught you how to fight. You think they're above hurting you? Above killing you?" She let her hand go and stood. "I have to go or Bud will ask questions. Be careful, Tris." Then she looked at me before our young friend. "And you might want to take a few minutes to talk to Pen."

"Why?" Tris frowned.

Tori just sighed and left, putting her hand on my shoulder on her way out. Smiling at Tris, we just looked at each other.

"Why should I talk to you?" She asked.

"Because for being as smart as you seem, you're being awfully dense here." I replied. She just frowned. "Look, why would Tori let me sit in on this little conversation if I didn't already know about Divergence?"

"What do you know?" She asked.

"I know that it doesn't just end at simulations. It's hard to really pinpoint what it is but it shows up all the time. Your mind works differently. You think differently and that scares people. You're dangerous because you think outside the box. You can't be contained like everyone else. It's safe to say you can work through more than just the simulation serum. It hasn't been tested but you more than likely react differently to all the serums that we have in each faction. You're special."

She looked at me for a long time. "Are you…?" She asked without saying the word.

"Am I Divergent?" I told her, unafraid of the word. "Yes, Tris. I am."

"And you knew that I was." She stated. I confirmed with a nod. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"Because Tori and I weren't sure if you'd figured it out or not. What being Divergent meant. But she told me about you. So we've been watching."

"You've been watching me train. So does that mean Four knows about me as well?"

Smiling, I rubbed my hands together as I shifted back and forth in the chair. "What Four does or doesn't know is between you and him. I will speak for myself and myself alone."

"How did you find out?" She asked.

"How I found out isn't important." I told her, wanting to protect Four. "But I didn't realize it as soon as you did. I didn't have someone like Tori to warn me after my test and to this day I still don't know which factions it said I fit into. But I knew that Amity wasn't my home. Dauntless is my home."

"When did you realize…?"

"The final day of simulations. I had been warned to watch how I reacted to the simulations. I was told they were watching and I had to remember what faction I had chosen." She frowned at me. "When I went into the simulation. The first few I went through just as any Dauntless would. Then my mind switched gears and I was putting too much thought into the simulation. When I realized I had changed it - thanking god it was subtle - I made sure to think as I knew a Dauntless would. After I had made it into Dauntless, Tori came to me. She had heard of my artistic talent and had come at Bud's request to see what I could do. But she had her own agenda. She had figured it out and gave me the same warning that she gave you. She wants you to talk to me because I know what it's like to live in Dauntless knowing that you are what they're looking for."

"Looking for?" She frowned.

"Do you think that it ended with Georgie?" I frowned. "Anyone proven to be Divergent, signs their own death warrant. You don't seem to be grasping how serious this is. You need to think like a Dauntless. You need to ignore your instincts and use your mind. You need to think like they do. Not like you normally would. You need to be careful during your simulations. Four is trustworthy, so if he's helping you then let him. Don't question him and listen to him."

"Is he…?"

"Stop." I frowned at her. "Even I don't have all the answers, Tris. I'm still learning about what we are and what we can do. I am not the all-knowing because I'm Divergent. But I do know the risks and I have been careful."

"Sleeping with Eric doesn't seem very careful." She said softly.

Anger immediately rose to the surface. "And what the hell do you think you know about Eric? Let alone me? You think you know something because I just opened up to you about something very private? Because what you think you know probably doesn't even touch what you don't. I suggest you be careful with your words. I will not tolerate you making assumptions about me or Eric or Four or anyone else. Do you understand me?"

"Yeah." She said nodding.

Scoffing, I shook my head at her. "Just when I think I want to like you, you have to say something to piss me off." It was clear on her face that she wanted to say something else. Stepping closer to her, stopping just a fraction of an inch from her, I met her eyes as I hovered. "This is what I'm talking about, Tris. You need to be careful with the way you talk to people and what you say. You don't know what will light a spark in someone's mind and you'll find yourself at the bottom of the Chasm." I let that sink in for a moment before I stepped back, "And if you continue to make assumptions about me and my life, I will not lift one finger to help you."

"I'm not asking for your help." She told me.

"I know." I nodded. "But one day you will. And when that day comes it'll be moments like this that I think about when I make the decision to help you or not." She looked at me and I could practically hear her stomach drop. "You can go now. We're done." She nodded and left. Taking a deep breath, I un-balled my fist, seeing the indent my nails had made in my palm. Rubbing them, Tori reappeared, looking at me questioningly. "I don't like her very much."

"She's one of you." Tori smiled. "It's hard dealing with someone with as much attitude and stubbornness as you do."

Laughing, I nodded, "Yeah, I guess that's true."

"They are notoriously difficult people to deal with." She smirked.

Laughing and nodding again, I wrapped my arm around her. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For being my family." I smiled.

She just rubbed my back and smiled back at me. "You don't have to thank me for that. Even when you hate me, I'm still your family."

Getting to work, despite how things were with Eric, I felt better about things. Even though Tris had hit a few nerves, I felt good about the conversation. One I would tell Four about later. He would need to know that she was looking into what she was. He had more one on one with her now. It was up to him to keep an eye on her. The physical stuff gave nothing away. But now that the simulations had started, she needed to be careful. And despite what I had told her, I would protect her from anything happening to her. As well as if anyone came for her. Tori was right, she was one of my kind. I would protect her and in doing so I would protect myself.


	17. Backslide

Half a week had gone by and life had returned to a more normal rhythm. Four was still busy with simulations while my other friends were still diligent as ever in making amends for their hard core judgments. I was still enjoying their presence. It was much needed now that I couldn't spend any time with Eric. I had hardly seen him and all I wanted was to meet his eyes and smile, letting him know that despite our circumstances, I still cared about him.

Not that he needed to see me to know that. I think it was me who needed it more than he did. After capture the flag I had started a collage of images behind the curtain next to the balcony doors. Pinning the curtain back, I smiled at the many faces of Eric. It was still a work in progress, but since the last time we'd spoke it felt like it was the only thing that was keeping me sane. He was constantly on my mind. His voice was in my head. I was probably walking a fine line between simply missing him and being obsessed with him. I hated to admit it but he had affected me far more than I thought. I felt stronger when I was with him. Just being near him made me feel invincible.

"Hey, what ch'ya doing?" Claude said coming in with a plate of chocolate cake.

"Feeding my obsession." I told her.

She looked at what I was doing, putting the cake on my nightstand. "You're not obsessed. You just miss him." She replied.

"Good." I grinned at her. "Because I thought I was starting to lose my mind a little."

"Take a break and eat your cake." She smiled at me.

Nodding, I put my brush now, holding my hand out for the cake. She just smirked and handed it to me. Eating it with my fingers, I looked at Eric, missing him more and more. Putting the plate in my lap, I was suddenly not in the mood for cake. Lowering my head, I looked at it, wanting it and yet my stomach told me not to do it.

"It's not like you'll never see him. Hell, you can even go back to him if you want. My offer still stands to be your secret keeper." She told me.

"I appreciate that." I said putting the plate on the floor and turning to look at her. "But we are both under a microscope and I don't want to make things worse."

She nodded and sighed. "I'm sorry, Pen."

"Me too, friend. Me too."

She smiled, pointing at the cake. "Finish it. It'll make you feel better."

Smiling, shaking my head, I did as I was told. After, we laid on my bed, talking and fooling around like we used to when we'd first arrived. Falling asleep facing each other, I slept like a baby, loving the sound of someone next to me. I wished Eric was here but Claude had been doing a bang up job of being his replacement.

Waking early, it was several hours before I needed to be anywhere. Leaving Claude in my bed, I went to the training room, giving myself a good workout to try and release some of my pent up emotion. For the most part it worked. Nathan showed up and we spared a few rounds. He was a fast son of a bitch, but I bested him two out of three. It was the final round that he beat the shit out of me. But there was little bloodshed and I didn't think I was going to bruise too badly.

"You're looking good." Four smirked as I stepped up to him outside the parlor with a cup of coffee. "I thought you weren't drinking coffee anymore?"

"I've been enjoying it more as of late." I told him, slightly scrunching my nose.

He nodded, sighing, "I know you miss him. But you seem happier."

"I've been enjoying my time with my family." I smiled at him.

He put his arm around my neck, pulling me to him, placing a kiss against my temple. "You do well at making people feel guilty." He smiled.

"People only feel guilty when they're guilty of something." I stated with a raised brow. "And I don't want to keep making you feel guilty. I feel guilty for making you all feel so guilty." I told him and sighed.

"Don't." He said shaking his head. "We deserve our guilt and we'll make amends for it."

"You have, Tobias. Please do not worry about me. I'm doing okay." I replied with a small smile.

"You'll be doing even better if you get in here and get to work." Bud said leaning out of the door, giving me a look before disappearing again.

Smiling at Four, he placed a kiss against my cheek before rushing off. Going in, I put my coffee down at my station, starting to organize it. It took only a few minutes for Tori to appear, a smile on her face. I opened my mouth to greet her but she held up her finger, making me frown at her. She motioned to the back and my mind immediately moved to Eric, smiling as I followed her. Moving the curtain, Eric was standing there, a smirk on his lips when he saw me. Grinning with happiness to just see him, I was about to move to him when Bud started to call my name. Turning, I moved from behind the curtain, making sure it had fallen back in place. Turning, I stopped as I came face to face with Max.

"Max." I said with surprise. I didn't feel much like seeing him and of course he'd show up right now when the usual subject of our conversations was only feet away.

"Pen." He said looking down on me.

"What do you want?" I asked him, crossing my arms.

He gave a short laugh, averting his eyes for a moment before meeting mine again. "I've noticed you seem a little happier these days." He stated.

"And?" I asked furrowing my brows.

"Have you started seeing him again?" He asked.

"No." I told him shortly. "I haven't."

"So this little turn of attitude is because of your friends then? They've been around more often than usual."

"Are you watching me?" I shot at him, my stomach turning.

I'd made it this long because I made sure I wasn't worth paying attention to. Now I was under the spotlight, my most prominent faction leader keeping a close watch on me. Thank god Divergence wasn't something you can see by just looking at someone. Even so, I felt incredibly uneasy about him being here.

"I watch everyone." He replied.

"But me more than others, right?" I frowned.

He stepped closer to me, looking down at me with heavy intimidation. "Stay clear of him. I'd hate to see something happen to you." He told me and left.

Hearing the violent jerk of the curtain, I turned, bracing myself as Eric attempted to rush past me. "No." I told him, my hands against his chest. The spark I had for him was immediately reignited by the mere touch of him. "It's not worth it."

"He threatened you. He blatantly threatened you." He shot at me.

"I know." I said running my hands down his chest and along his sides. "But it's fine."

"No." He frowned.

"Eric." I smiled, taking his hands. "This is why we stopped seeing each other. So what are you doing here?"

"He can't threaten you like that, Pen." He frowned and attempted to move around me again.

"Eric, don't. Just stop." I said pushing against him again. "Stop."

"Pen." He frowned down at me.

"I know." I told him with furrowed brows. "But there's nothing we can do except for what we're already doing. Stopping seeing each other. So what are you doing here?"

He sighed, his hand moving to my face, "I miss you."

My heart started to race and I swiftly leaned up and kissed him. "I miss you too." Putting my hand on the back of his head, I deepened the kiss, his arms moving around me as our tongues rubbed against each other. When I finally leaned away from him, I sighed, keeping my hand against his face. "But it's for the best."

"I'm sick of hearing that." He said and sighed.

"Guys." Tori said appearing. "Break it up."

Nodding at her, I met Eric's eyes. "You have to go." I told him.

"Pen." He said sadly.

"Baby, I know." I nodded at him. "Now go."

He leaned down to kiss me, only then we heard steps and Tori swiftly pulled me away from him. He left just as quickly, leaving me to be confused about what was going on. Max hadn't blatantly threatened me like that before. It was insinuated but now it was out there for all to see. If I distracted Eric from his job then something was bound to happen to me. However, I was starting to think that the consequences were worth it.

"What's going on?" Four asked appearing. "What was Eric doing here?"

"He came to see Pen." Tori told him.

He sighed and looked at me. Forcefully pushing past him, I started to move stuff around my work station with more force than was needed. "I don't want to hear it."

"It wasn't a sigh of disappointment or anti-support." He said stepping next to me. "It was more of a sympathetic sigh since it's clear that the two of you revolve around each other."

"I don't know what you're talking about." I told him, though Max's words popped into my head.

"You move, he moves. He moves, you move."

"Whatever, Tobias." I whispered harshly.

He stopped me from doing what I was doing, making me face him. "Isn't that what you want?"

"I'm not seeing him anymore." I told him.

"So what was he doing here?"

"Caving to the fact that we care about each other. Far more than we should."

"What happened?" He frowned.

Tori appeared next to us, glancing at Bud. "Max stopped by and threatened her to stay away from Eric or she'd suffer some sort of "accident". He was very clear."

Four looked at me and I was unable to meet his eyes. He turned and stormed out of the parlor. Now I was moving, swiftly following him, gripping his arm. He pulled away but I rushed in front of him, slamming my hands into his chest to make him stop.

"Don't." I told him. "It's not worth it and I'm going to stay away from him."

"How?" He asked. "It's obvious that he cares about you. Even I've been denying that but after Edward and the speech he made, I can't deny that he doesn't care about you. You mean something to him."

"Max said I'm changing him."

"And that's a good thing." He nodded.

"Not for the job they've given him."

He sighed again and nodded. "That means he's after you, you know. He's after us. What are you going to do when he finds out?"

"He's not going to find out." I frowned.

"What if he already suspects?"

"Then he truly does care about me because he hasn't pushed the subject in any way." I replied matter-of-factly.

"What else did Max say?"

"Just the usual. Stay away from him or else. He's just a pawn and now that he's starting to have his own thoughts they're getting pissed. He needs to keep an eye out for the Divergent and so far he's come up empty."

"The next stage may reveal them. And the final test will be a hit or miss."

"What are you going to do about Tris?" I asked him.

He locked his eyes on mine, more being said with a look than with words. "I don't know."

"Well figure it out." I told him. "Because she's struggling to figure out where she belongs."

"She belongs here." He replied quickly.

Nodding, it was my turn to sigh. "Some pair we are." I smiled at him.

He smirked and nodded. "Come on. Eric is going to give an update for stage two. You can stare at him while I do the same."

"Stare at Eric?" I grinned at him. He just shoved me, making me laugh at him. "I shouldn't. Bud will probably get mad if I leave. I haven't been as present as I should be."

"Bud!" He called. "I'm taking Pen for a while!"

"You got it!" Bud called back.

"See? Done. Let's go." He told me and led the way.

Laughing, I followed him, going to the initiates dormitory to see them all gathered. Eric was in front of them, a chalk board leaning against him. He looked at them, letting them wonder what their ranking was, loving to see them squirm. Hell, even I was enjoying seeing them squirm. Smiling at Eric, he winked at me, keeping his stoic expression before he picked up the board and hung it on the wall. My smile fell as I read the name at the top.

"Shit." I whispered.

"I'm on it." Four told me. Frowning, I met his eyes. "I am."

"Do you see the gap between her and Peter?" I shot at him in a quiet voice.

"Yes, Pen." He frowned back.

Turning, I stepped in front of him. "He's number two. That's almost a six minute difference. Even I wasn't stupid enough to put that far of a gap between me and the next. Neither were you and we both were number one in stage two."

"Pen." He frowned.

"What's going on?" Eric said stepping up to us.

Frowning up at him, he nodded, both of us looking at Four. Four in turn just raised a brow and looked back at both of us. Eric nodded again, gripping my elbow and pulling me from the room. Moving down the hall, he veered off into a side one, pacing in front of me.

"What do you know about Tris?" He asked.

"What do you mean?" I replied, my stomach dropping and I almost felt nauseous.

He frowned at me suspiciously. "Pen, what do you know? Why did she transfer? What's her personality like?"

"She's a pain in the ass." I told him. It was the truth.

"And?"

"And nothing. I don't talk to her often." I told him. "I enjoy yelling at her and putting the fear of god into her, but that's it. There's nothing I can tell you."

"I don't believe you." He frowned.

"Eric." I frowned back.

"You do this little thing with your eyes when you're lying." He stated, stopping and stepping closer to me.

"What?" I frowned.

"It's subtle but it's there. You're lying to me." He frowned harder.

"Eric." I said trying to think faster than him. It wasn't working.

"Tell me."

"There's nothing to tell."

I could see the anger move across his face. "Why are you protecting her?" He practically yelled at me.

"Okay, stop." I shot at him, holding up my hand. "You don't get to accuse me of lying to you and protecting her. I don't know anything, Eric."

"I know you, Pen. You're lying."

"Even if I am lying, what right do you have to question me about it?" I said angrily. "You have lied enough for the both of us. If there is something that I'm not willing to share with you doesn't mean you get to bully it out of me."

"Why are you protecting her?" He frowned but had lowered his voice.

Shaking my head, I took a deep breath, "I'm not at liberty to say."

"Then I can only assume that she's hiding something."

"Enough." I told him, letting my anger melt away. I offered him my hands, for a moment he just looked at them before sliding his into them. Lacing our fingers, I pulled him closer to me. "She is nothing, Eric. She's not hiding anything and she's not trying anything. Nothing other than to fit in here."

"How to do explain her low simulation times?" He asked.

"How do you explain it?" I countered.

"One word comes to mind." He replied softly, not meeting my eyes.

My stomach did another flip, but it seemed as if he was calming down. "Baby, don't worry about her." I said offering him a smile. "Four is looking out for her interests."

He smirked, his arms snaking around my waist. "Are you going to let me look after yours?"

Laughing, I ran my hands up his chest, wrapping my arms around his neck. "Don't tempt me or I'll let you do far more than that." I grinned, moving my face closer to his.

"Shut up and kiss me." He said before his lips were against mine.

Still laughing, I kissed him back, deepening it until we threatened to melt into each other. "Eric, I –" I started and stopped.

"You what?" He asked, a small smile on his face.

My stomach was flipping again but not in a negative way. I was about to tell him those three words that would change everything. And I wasn't ready for everything to change. It was still better to be apart than together. For both our sakes. For both our protection.

"Nothing." I smiled, kissing him again.

He smiled back, nodding, making me wonder if he knew what I was going to say. "Can I sleep with you tonight?"

Laughing again, I couldn't deny him. "Okay." I told him before holding up my finger. "But just for tonight."

He laughed and kissed me again, brushing his lips against my jawline before my neck, sending a shiver down my spine. "You know it's never for just one night." He whispered before pressing a slow kiss against my skin.

"God I hate you." I told him breathlessly, gripping his hair and jerking his head back so I could reach his lips. He pressed me against the wall, his body against mine, making my body heat rise to the point where I felt like I was going to burst into flame. "I'm going to make you feel so good tonight." I whispered in his ear. He fell against me, meeting my eyes with more lust than I'd ever seen. Bursting with laughter, I wrapped my arms around his waist. Kissing him passionately, I gently took his bottom lip between my teeth, pulling on it as I stepped away from him.

"You're gonna make me wait?" He said still leaning against the wall.

Turning to him, grinning as I gently bit my finger, I slowly walked backward away from him. "Don't worry, I'll make it worth the wait."

"Woman." He said shaking his head. "I hate you."

"I know you do, baby." I grinned.

He moved to rush toward me, making me rush backward, only to be run over by someone walking down the hall. Apologizing, I felt a heavy blush rise in my cheeks, seeing Eric laughing in the shadows of the hallway.

"Not funny." I whispered to him as I walked away.

Going back to the parlor, I worked a few more hours before anxiously rushing back to my apartment, attempting not to seem too eager. But it had been weeks since I'd had any sex and if I was going to have any then I wanted it to be Eric. Practically flying through the door, I didn't have time to shut it before Eric was against me. Without saying a word, there was the sound of ripping clothes and heavy breathing as we ravaged each other. Pulling me toward the bed, he threw me on top of it, laughter filling the space between us as the remainder of our clothes were lost before he was on top of me. Gripping him as if he would float away if I didn't, I never wanted my lips to be apart from his. When his pushed up inside of me, I felt like I couldn't breathe. He kissed me, his breath filling my mouth, making me take a breath as I took him in.

After a few consecutive rounds, we finally stopped, still breathing heavy as I lay on top of him. Resting my head against his chest, I shut my eyes, listening to the sound of his heart beating. Smiling, I ran my hands up and down his arms, loving the feeling of him. He ran his hands up and down my back, pressing a kiss into my hair.

"Shower sex?" He asked.

Lifting my head, I furrowed my brows at him before smiling, "Race you."

In the next second we were racing to the bathroom, stumbling into the shower. Turning the water on, we continued to enjoy ourselves, making up for lost time. By the time we were done we were dry, in bed, and I could hardly keep my eyes open.

"Sleep." He whispered.

"I don't wanna." I pouted. "That would mean tonight would be over."

He kissed me sweetly, whispering, "It doesn't have to be."

Rolling onto my side, I opened my eyes and met his, "What are we gonna do?"

"I don't know yet." He said trailing his fingers down my face and across my jaw. "Let's not worry about it tonight. Sleep. I'll be here. You have me, Pen."

"And you have me." I told him kissing him deeply, resting my forehead against his.

Shutting my eyes, I fell asleep to the sound of him breathing, the feeling of his hands against my skin, the scent of him right next to me. If there was anything I ever truly wanted, it was him, just like this.

Having fallen into a blissful sleep, I frowned when the bed shifted, my back cold as Eric slipped out of bed. Thinking he would come back, I heard the door click shut. Sitting up, I looked at it. Swiftly getting out of bed, I threw clothes on and went after him. Hearing him, I was going to say something but then I saw Max fall in step next to him. Staying silent, I moved forward, seeing them stop at the end of the hallway, Jeanine Matthews appearing with them. Crouching in the shadows, their voices drifted back to me.

"So far there haven't been any signs of it." Eric told her. I knew exactly what they were talking about. Part of me wondered if he was telling her the truth.

"Well, you wouldn't have seen much of it yet." Jeanine told him. "Combat training shows you nothing. The simulations, however, reveal who the Divergent Rebels are, if there are any, so we will have to examine the footage several times to be sure." Feeling a wave of dread, I had a horrible feeling that things were going to get far worse before it got better. "Don't forget the reason I had Max appoint you. Your first priority is always finding them. Always."

"I won't forget." He told her.

She seemed to enjoy reminding him of that. It would seem that Max wasn't the only one who thought he was distracted. All the more reason to stay away from him. And yet my only thought was how to help him get out of it.

Eric and Max moved down the hallway, leaving me to linger, wondering what I was going to do. Finally returning to my home, I stood facing the door, waiting for Eric to come back. When he did, he froze, seeing me standing there.

"Hey, you okay?" He asked.

"Yeah." I told him. "Just wondering where you went off to."

He furrowed his brows, "Were you trying to follow me?" I didn't say anything. "Pen, you can't do that."

"For my protection, right?" I asked.

"Yes." He said stepping up to me. "Especially after what Max told you. We need to be careful."

"I want to help you, Eric." I told him. "I don't want something to happen to you because of me."

"And I don't want something to happen to you because of me." He stated, taking my head in his hands. "Don't try to follow me again." He told me with a commanding tone, but I knew it was out of concern.

"Okay." I nodded. And I meant it. I was only asking for trouble by following him.

"I should go." He said and moved back toward the door.

"You're not going to stay?" I asked him sadly.

"I shouldn't." He replied shaking his head.

Frowning, I nodded. "Right. Yeah."

Stepping back up to me, he took my head in his hands again. "Thank you for tonight."

I couldn't stop myself from smiling at him, "You're thanking me for sex?"

"No." He said shaking his head. "For letting me be with you."

"Don't thank me for that." I told him, putting my hand over his. "Never for that."

He smiled and kissed me slow and deep. "I'll see you soon."

"I sure wish you'd stay." I smiled back.

"Pen." He said shaking his head.

Sighing, I nodded, "I know. It's for my protection."

"That's all I want." He told me. "To keep you safe."

Wrapping my arms around his neck, I buried my face there, breathing him in as I hugged him tightly. I didn't know how long I'd have to hold on to tonight before the next time. Maybe Jeanine finally made him realize that this was serious. More serious than I think both of us were taking it. This situation with the Divergent was going to get worse and our relationship would be ripped apart because of it. Forcing us apart because of something neither of us could control.


	18. Giving Up

For the remainder of the night, no matter how hard I tried, sleep wouldn't take me. When I couldn't stand lying in bed anymore, I made my way to the Dining Hall, it was still early but I was in desperate need of some breakfast and a nice big cup of coffee. But before I even reached the entrance, Simmy was moving toward me. Every time I saw her lately it was because something happened in the infirmary. Something that was too big for her to handle alone. She was getting pretty good but even she needed help every once in a while. Though this morning I wasn't much in the mood for dealing with the wounded.

"Hey." I smiled at her.

"I need your help." She told me.

Sighing, I nodded, "Okay."

"Unless you're busy." She added sensing my reluctance.

Shaking my head, I smiled at her, "Of course not. Infirmary?" She nodded. "Come on." I said leading the way. "Tell me what happened."

"Four showed up last night with three of the initiates." She told me in a soft voice.

Stopping, I looked at her for a moment before I was running. Rushing through the hallways, I darted toward the entrance to the infirmary. I was almost through the door when I slammed into a body, ricocheting and slamming into the floor.

"Al!" I said looking up at him. He had bruising on his face, as well as a look of fear. His eyes widened at the sight of me. Rushing around me, I scrambled back onto my feet before going after him. "Hey. Al." I said gripping his arm.

"I can't." He told me without meeting my eyes.

"You can't what?" I frowned at him. "What happened to you?"

"I can't." He repeated still not looking at me.

"Al, tell me what happened." I said jerking him so he faced me. He finally met my eyes, fear and guilt looking back at me. "Tell me."

"I can't." He said and rushed off.

Simmy was standing nearby, looking at me with a questioning look. "Who else was brought with him?" I asked her forcefully.

"Peter and Drew." She replied with furrowed brows. "Drew's the only one left and he's getting ready to go as we speak."

"So Peter wasn't injured?" I frowned.

"No. He and Al were minimal wounded. Some bruising but nothing too noticeable. Drew on the other hand is heavily bruised and is very sluggish."

"Did Four tell you what happened to them?"

"No." She said shaking her head.

"Thanks, Simmy." I told her before running off again. Slowing when I reached Four's door, I took a deep breath before letting myself into his apartment. He was standing there with Tris, his hand against her side, her hand over his. His hair was wet and her eyes were showing far too much emotion toward him. "What did you do?" I asked him.

"Pen." He said turning to me, holding up his hands.

"What happened?" I asked him moving forward.

"Is that really any of your –" Tris started.

"You do not want to finish that sentence." I shot at her.

Four turned to her, "It's okay."

"Four." I said to him.

He turned back to me, stepping closer, "They attacked her." He replied.

Looking at her, I took in the bruise against her cheek, the tender way she was holding her ribs. "And?"

"And I stopped them." He replied. "Plain and simple."

"What did they do?"

"They attacked her and attempted to throw her into the Chasm." He elaborated.

Nodding, understanding filled me, hoping to god that Eric didn't have anything to do with it. If he had caught on to Tris being Divergent then they were getting close. She knew about me and part of me felt like she wouldn't protect me if he confronted her about it. Meeting Four's eyes, he shook his head at me, making me let out a breath of relief.

"Are you sure?" I asked him, now calm.

"Sure of what?" Tris asked.

He nodded at me. "I'm sure."

"And you don't think…?" I started, knowing he knew what I was thinking.

He shook his head. "I don't think so."

"Then?" I frowned.

"Jealousy." He replied.

Nodding, I looked at Tris. "You okay?" I asked her.

"Yeah." She replied.

"Is she?" I asked Four.

"She'll be okay." He nodded.

I nodded again, "Good." Keeping Four's eyes, he offered a small smile, nodding at me again. "Okay." I told him.

"You good?" He asked me.

"Yeah." I nodded.

"What is it?" He asked, knowing I was lying.

Furrowing my brows, I crossed my arms, "How do you know that something is wrong?"

"You do this little thing with your eyes when you're lying." He replied matter-of-factly.

Glaring at him, I narrowed my eyes, "So when I told you that nothing happened between Eric and me…?" He gave a little shrug and smirked at me. Laughing, I nodded at him, "Fine."

"So?"

"I heard something last night." I told him.

"Should we go for a walk?" He asked.

"No." I replied. "She can hear this."

"What is it?" He asked.

"Jeanine made a visit to Dauntless last night. Eric and Max met up with her." I replied.

"I heard them." Tris said stepping to Four's side. "I was there."

Nodding, I sighed, "Is that when they attacked you?" She nodded. "So far they don't know anything." I said meeting Four's eyes again. "Not that their admitting to."

"How can you be with him when you know he's searching for you?" Tris asked.

Meeting her eyes, it took me a minute to decide whether to answer her or not. "Because sometimes the heart wants what it wants and we can't control it."

"What are you going to do when he finds out?" She asked.

"I'm going to pray to god that he cares about me enough that it doesn't matter." I replied.

"From the way they sounded last night, Jeanine is not going to let that happen."

"I know." I told her, my voice diminishing because I knew that she was right.

"So what are you going to do?" She asked.

"I don't really know, Tris." I told her. "I care too much about him to turn away. It doesn't matter what he does. I'm going to be there for him." I watched them exchange a look. "Something tells me that you can relate to that." Four met my eyes, giving me a warning look. Smiling, I leaned forward and kissed his cheek, enjoying the look that Tris gave me. "I'll see you guys later."

Turning, I left, walking to the Parlor hoping to see Tori. She needed to know what was going on. She was by far our biggest supporter because of what happened to George. Part of me wondered if she wasn't secretly Divergent, but so far she'd been adamant that she wasn't.

"Tris has a point." She told me when I was done. "What are you going to do?"

"Love him unconditionally until one of us is no longer breathing. If that's him then I'll never love anyone again." I told her with conviction.

"Wow." She said with an edge of worry.

I nodded. "Yeah, I'm still coming to terms with it too."

"You're getting in too deep." Tori told me.

Looking at her, I was inclined to agree, but before I could, someone else did for me. "Then we'll have her back." Claude said draping her arm around my shoulders.

"Thank you." I said hugging her tightly.

"Anytime." She said winking at me.

Hearing an exaggerated yawn, Bud stepped in, "Who's ready to work?" He grinned.

"Me." I smiled at him.

"Lunch?" Claude smiled. "Yeah." I smiled at her.

Working until then, my fingers were sore from an overly elaborate tiger I had done on an overly hairy back. It had taken from the moment Claude left until the moment I sat next to her in the Dining Hall. Henry slid into the seat next to me, full of things to say. Claude and I humored him, having our own conversation while he thought he held all our attention. Having used up all my time for lunch listening to him, I grinned at Claude before kissing Henry's cheek, making my way back to the parlor.

I spent another afternoon with another hairy back, only this time it was some sort of demon-like creature that apparently was going to give him strength. All the while Bud was watching me with a grin on his face. He was getting back at me for the days I'd missed or simply for being shown up by Four. Either way, he was enjoying this far too much. But I really didn't mind. Working late, I took my last client after everyone else was gone. It was an elaborate koi fish on a girl's forearm. It was actually quite beautiful. It made me want one. She was sweet and was good at small talk, despite the fact that I wished she'd shut up. She had transferred from Candor seven years ago, making her quite honest. Something that was a gift and a curse.

"So, I've told you about mine but what about yours?" She grinned.

"What?" I laughed, attempting to concentrate.

"Tell me about your guy." She replied.

"I don't have one." I replied with a raised brow.

She laughed. "Maybe not one you're admitting to but there is someone. I can tell."

Sighing, I leaned back, taking my foot off the pedal. "He is tall and well built. He has blue eyes that will send a shiver down your spine. He is an amazing kisser. I am addicted to his lips. And by addicted I mean _addicted_. I love them. A full bottom lip that is ever so bitable and fits perfectly with mine. Not to mention he makes me feel like I'm the only person in the world between the sheets." I told her, grinning by the time I was done.

"Damn. You got it bad." She told me with a happy shine to her eyes.

"Got what bad?" I countered, starting again.

"You're in love with him."

Stopping, I leaned back again. "But I shouldn't love him." I told her. "He isn't exactly a good guy. I shouldn't want to be with him."

"Love is an amazing thing." She grinned.

Smiling, I nodded, "It really is. And he's amazing with me. He just sucks with everyone else."

"All that matters is that he loves you too." She replied, making my smile fall. "Does he?"

I shrugged, "I'm not sure."

She sighed but nodded, "If he feels even remotely the same as you seem to than I'd say he does."

"Thanks." I smiled.

Finishing up, she left, leaving me to clean up in silence. Humming to myself, the solitude was welcoming. When I was done, I closed up shop, barely making it a few steps from the parlor when I heard a sniffling and shuffling steps. Turning toward them, curious, I slowly stepped forward. Soon the sounds of the Chasm overpowered the sound of whoever it was. But when it came into view, there was someone standing at the railing. I could tell that whoever it was, was shaking. Frowning, I stepped closer, recognizing them.

"Al?" I said stepping forward. "Al! What are you doing?" I called out to him, walking faster. He stepped over the railing. "Al, don't!" I yelled rushing forward. He looked at me before he threw himself away from the railing, disappearing in an instant. "AL!" I screamed, looking over the railing. Looking into blackness, the only sound was the rushing water. Running down the path leading to the bottom of the Chasm, I looked at the water. There was nothing there. "AL!" I screamed again, dropping to my knees, I couldn't help the shaking that took me over. Then something popped up. He was face down, floating at the surface. "Al." I said as tears slid down my cheeks.

Standing, I made my way back up the path, slowly making my way through the Pit to the living quarters. Moving down hallway after hallway, there was only one person I wanted to see. Opening the door, I could hear the sound of him breathing. Walking to the bed, he was lying on his stomach, hugging his pillow to himself. Sitting on the edge of it, I put my hand against his back. A sudden feeling of dread filled me, thinking that I shouldn't be here. But Al wasn't Divergent. It had nothing to do with the job he was given. Leaning down, I pressed a kiss between his shoulder blades.

"Eric." I said softly, my voice still shaky. He didn't move. "Baby."

"What is it, baby?" He said nonchalantly without opening his eyes. Then he seemed to realize that I was there. "Pen?" He said pushing himself up, turning to face me. I smiled at him as tears ran down my cheeks again. "What is it?" He asked sitting up, his hand finding my face.

Not able to respond to him, I wrapped my arms around his neck, crying into it. His arms wrapped around me, holding me tightly against him. He didn't know what happened but he still held me, even though I could feel his tenseness. He wasn't a fan of tears and neither was I. But witnessing that poor boy commit suicide felt like a good moment to be weak.

"Baby, what is it?" He asked.

"You need to come." I told him. "Get whoever you need. One of the initiates just jumped into the Chasm."

He quickly got out of bed and put on clothes. Standing, I wrapped my arms around myself, taking his hand after he offered it to me. Swiftly moving to the Chasm, we took the path down and I showed him Al still floating at its surface. Still gripping his hand, he tightened his hold on me as he stared at the body. Then he nodded, pulling me back up the path, moving through the halls until we were standing outside my apartment.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Stay put. I'll come back for you."

"Eric." I frowned at him.

He took my face in his hands, "You don't need to see us pull him out. Just wait here. I'll come back for you."

"Eric." I said my tone sad more than anything.

"I know." He said wrapping his arms around me. "I know."

He pressed his forehead against mine, his thumbs running across my cheeks before he kissed me and left the room. Pacing for what felt like hours, I finally went to the bed and sat down. Falling backward, I stared at the ceiling as tears ran from the corners of my eyes. At some point I fell asleep, waking to knocking on the door. Going to it, opening it, thinking I was going to see Eric, Claude was standing there.

"Hey." I told her.

She wrapped her arms around my neck, "I'm so sorry."

"Thank you." I replied more air than sound.

Releasing me, she gently played with my hair, "Eric told me what happened. He sent me to come get you."

"Al's out of the Chasm?" I asked. She nodded. Tears were immediately in my eyes. "Okay."

Taking her hand, we walked slowly back toward the Chasm. There was already a good crowd forming. We had barely made it to it when arms were around my neck. I started shaking, gripping Four's shoulders as tightly as I could. Trying not to cry again, I buried my face into his shoulder, taking a deep breath of him in an attempt to calm down.

"Are you okay?" He whispered in my ear.

"I don't know." I whispered back. "He was so scared. Then he threw himself off the bridge."

"I'm sorry you had to see it."

Tears started to stream, "I couldn't see him until he bobbed to the surface. Just floating there."

"Pen." He said moving his hand to the back of my neck, burying his face in my hair. "I'm so sorry."

"Here." Henry said appearing with a bottle.

Taking it, I still gripped Four's shoulder as I guzzled as much as I could handle from the bottle. They all looked at me with raised brows. Handing the bottle back, Henry shook his head, smiling at me as he gently cupped my face in his hand. Nodding, I took another swig of it, handing it to Claude who took a long drag before handing it back. Four wrapped his arm around my waist, keeping me steady as I kept drinking the bottle. My head was swiftly fogging over and I forced the bottle back into Henry's hands, thanking him, but knowing when I'd had too much. I didn't want to be drunk. Not like everyone else around us. They had taken Al away in a body bag – too small for the boy to fit in – and we were now awaiting the funeral. It never took long and it would have been pointless to wander off if we wanted to attend.

Looking for Eric, I didn't see him until he was stepping up onto a box by the ledge of the Chasm. "Quiet down, everyone!" He shouted. Someone hit what sounded like a gong, and the shouts gradually stopped, though muttering was still moving through the crowd. "Thank you. As you know, we're here because Albert, an initiate, jumped into the Chasm last night."

Now everyone went quiet and I couldn't help the tears that had returned. He did jump. He ended his life and now we were gathered to say goodbye before everything went back to normal. The rushing water of the Chasm was loud in my ears, making it difficult to focus on anything else.

"We do not know why," Eric continued, "and it would be easy to mourn the loss of him tonight. But we did not choose a life of ease when we became Dauntless. And the truth of it is…" He said and smiled. I wanted to believe that it was genuine but something told me he was putting on a good face for everyone else's benefit. "The truth is, Albert is now exploring an unknown, uncertain place. He leaped into vicious waters to get there. Who among us is brave enough to venture into that darkness without knowing what lies beyond it? Albert was not yet one of our members, but we can be assured that he was one of our bravest!"

A cry rose from the center of the crowd, and then a whoop. The Dauntless that surrounded us cheered at varying pitches, high and low, light and deep. Their roar mimics the roar of the water.

"We will celebrate him now, and remember him always!" Eric went on. Someone handed him a dark bottle, and he lifts it. "To Albert the Courageous!"

"To Albert!" The crowd started to shout. Arms lifted, most with bottles, as the Dauntless chanted his name. "Albert! Al-bert! Al-bert!" They chanted until his name no longer sounded like his name.

Not able to take anymore, I moved away from my friends, wanting to be somewhere quieter. I heard steps before Eric moved past me, turning his head and meeting my eyes. Following him to his room, I crossed my arms, feeling emotionally drained. He let out a heavy sigh, looking out the windows. Just watching him, he was tense, I didn't know what he was thinking and I was honestly afraid to ask. But this was a side of him I hadn't really seen. No one we mutually knew had died like this and even though he was just an initiate I felt like we had to talk about it. Mainly because I wanted to talk about it. I didn't handle death well. Never had.

"Did you mean what you said?" I asked him.

"Of course not." He shot back at me, turning and meeting my eyes. "Al took the easy way out. He knew he wasn't going to make it through initiation and he couldn't handle the thought of being factionless."

Feeling the sting of tears, I pushed them down, not wanting him to see me weak. It would appear he was not in the mood for comforting. "He was in pain." I frowned at him. "And it wasn't just that."

"Than what was it?" He frowned.

"He attacked Tris and he couldn't handle the guilt." I replied.

"Attacked her? Why?"

"Because she's doing well." I frowned. "She was competition."

"Wasn't she his friend?"

"Was."

He looked at me a moment, taking in the pain that I knew was written across my face. "It doesn't make him any less of a coward."

"I know." I told him. "But he was struggling. I was there Eric. If only he had let me talk to him."

Anger moved across his face again. "He wasn't brave enough to be Dauntless. He wasn't tough. Not like you." I furrowed my brows at him. "You belong here. You are brave, and smart, and tough as nails. No one messes with you. But it's moments like this, when your Amity is showing, that I wonder what you're doing here. You shouldn't be able to tap into it so easily. You're Dauntless. Amity should have been beaten out of you a long time ago."

"Like you tried to do?" I shot at him, anger boiling. "Just because we chose a different faction, it doesn't erase who we are. For sixteen years I was raised Amity. I knew I didn't belong there but that doesn't mean I forgot what they taught me. I have my own opinions and morals. I believe Al's death could have been avoided. Is that so wrong?"

"Yes." He told me matter-of-factly.

"Why?" I shot at him. "Why, Eric?"

"Because if you can't handle death then you aren't as Dauntless as I thought you were." He replied calmly.

"Where is this coming from?" I asked, stepping closer to him. "Why are you acting this way?"

"Because I don't have a choice."

"You do, Eric. You do have a choice." I said trying to calm down, knowing he was thinking about his superiors. "And you're choosing wrong." I added and left.

Going home, I took out a bottle of alcohol from the fridge. It was a concoction that Henry had put together so I had no idea what was in it. All I knew was that it burned on the way down and sent warmth running through me. Sitting against my mural, I sighed heavily, frustrated with Eric and yet actually taking into consideration that when it came to things like this I was more Amity than Dauntless. If that was the case I needed to change or I'd be found out and I'd never be able to see him again. If I was found out I'd be right where Al is. It didn't take long for the door to open. Henry sat on one side while Claude sat on the other. They didn't say anything; they simply took turns with the bottle before handing it back to me.

"Is it wrong that I don't like death?" I asked.

"No." Claude told me quickly.

"Dauntless deal with death differently." Henry stated. "If I wasn't born and raised here I probably wouldn't like death either. But here, the life is celebrated and then it's over."

"It's too fast." I frowned at him. "It leaves no time to grieve."

"Dauntless don't grieve. We accept and we move on."

Sighing, I met his eyes, "When my grandma passed away, I remember my mom sitting at the kitchen table for days, just staring at nothing, tears falling down her cheeks even though she appeared to never blink. We all were silent around her, knowing that she needed us there but didn't want to talk about it. Then Maggie told her a story about her that made her laugh. She laughed so hard and it seemed to take her out of her depression. We told stories about my grandma and slowly came to accept what happened. But it was slow. It was months before we were okay with it. Al has been dead less than a day and they expect us to simply move on. Neely's death was over and done with so fast that I couldn't process it."

"You processed by sleeping with Eric and look how that turned out." Henry commented with a hint of jealousy.

"We are not together in this." I told him. "He doesn't understand my need to talk it through and to mourn. To him Al was nothing. He was a coward that threw himself into the Chasm because he couldn't face failure and become factionless. But he also couldn't handle the guilt."

"Guilt?" Henry frowned.

"Have you seen Drew and Peter?" I asked. "And Tris?"

"What are you talking about?" Claude frowned.

"They attacked her. Four came to her rescue and put them all in the infirmary." I explained.

"And Tris?" Claude asked.

I sighed and met her eyes, "Four took care of her."

"Jesus." She said and sighed.

"Yup." I nodded. "But if he's happy, we're happy."

"I guess." Claude replied.

Henry leaned forward, frowning at her, "What do you have against her?"

"She's a pain in the ass. Plus whether she tries to or not, she comes off as high and mighty. She brings the other initiates down with her awesomeness and is starting to piss them off. Hence the actions taken against her."

"That doesn't mean she has to die." Henry stated.

"No, but she needs to change the way people view her." Claude replied.

"I agree with that." I nodded slowly. "Especially when she was part of the reason Al killed himself. She better feel damn guilty for that."

"You hardly knew him." Henry stated.

"Not the point." I shot back at him. "The fact is that he's dead and no one seems to care."

"Eric said some nice things." Claude stated.

"But he doesn't believe it." I shot back at her. "He thinks he deserved it for being weak and a coward."

"Well..." Henry started, shrugging.

"Seriously?" I shot at him. "He needed help and guidance. Not ridicule and disdain."

"You just have to come to terms with it, Pen. He got what he deserved."

Scoffing, I took a long swig off the bottle, about to get into with him, but then the door opened and Eric stepped in. He looked at me before raising his brow at the others. Claude nodded, putting her hand on my knee before she stood and moved toward the door. Henry didn't move and simply grinned at Eric. It was a taunt. He was asking Eric to make a move against him. Not happy with either of them, I just looked at him, waiting to see what he would do. It was Claude that finally sighed, stepping forward and gripped Henry's arm. She yanked him to his feet and shoved him toward the door, hitting the back of his head with her palm in the process. As soon as the door was closed, Eric slowly stepped forward until he was standing in front of me. We stared at each other, both of us wanting the other to break the silence first. I wanted it to be him but he'd done a lot of giving lately and it was my turn.

"You were right." I told him. "When it comes to death I am more Amity than Dauntless. But I haven't experienced enough death here to be okay with it. In Amity we mourn for however long we need to. We celebrate their life but we also mourn the person we've lost. I may not have known Al well but he deserves to be mourned. Even if he also deserved the end he met."

"In Erudite we don't mourn that way either so it didn't take much for me to mold to the Dauntless way of viewing death. Sometimes I forget how good of a person you are. You care deeply and once you've let someone in they never leave. I get it and I understand it. I simply don't always agree with it."

"And you don't have to." I replied shaking my head. "You just have to accept that that is part of who I am."

"I do." He nodded. "That's why I came here. I do accept it."

"Why do I feel like there's a 'but' coming?" I asked, feeling a wave of sadness.

"We can't keep doing this." He said shaking his head. "We can't and I know I've been the bigger instigator but I'm going to step up and just..." He said but trailed off as he watched tears slide down my cheeks.

"I'm sorry." I told him wiping them away.

"I can't keep you safe and after this..." He said trailing off again as he shook his head.

Laughing, I shook my head, wiping more tears away. "It's all about keeping me safe." I said and laughed again. "Well what about you, Eric? Who's keeping you safe?"

"I can take care of myself." He replied softly.

"I know you can. I do. But I care too much about you to just turn away from you."

"I'm doing the turning." He replied. "Let me be the bad guy."

"You are the bad guy." I shot at him far more harshly than I had intended. But now I was just getting pissed. I hated this constant back and forth. I was just as guilty as he was but it didn't make me feel any better. Scoffing, I shook my head at him. "That's fine, Eric. I can't do it anymore either."

"I want to be with you, Pen. I do. It's just..."

"I get it, Eric." I told him, meeting his eyes as another tear rolled off my eyelashes.

"Please don't." He said shaking his head.

"What? Cry? Sorry, Eric. I'm a girl and I do have real emotions. No one has ever made me cry as much as you. I can't decide if that is a good or bad sign."

"Baby, please." He said moving toward me.

"If this is really over than you don't get to call me that anymore." I shot at him.

"I don't want this to end badly. I don't want you to hate me."

"Don't you?" I glared up at him. "Isn't it easier to hate you? Isn't that what you told me before when you were hitting me?"

"I didn't expect to care about you as much as I do. I've never cared about anyone as much as I care about you and that is terrifying."

"I'm just a girl, Eric." I smiled at him.

"One that has changed me." He shot back.

Nodding, I sighed, "Just like Max said I was. Only you're a better man because of it."

"And being a better man may cost me my life!" He yelled.

"How selfish of me to want to keep you then." I told him with a soft voice.

He shut his eyes; dipping his chin so far I thought it was going to dig into his chest. When he looked at me again, his eyes were full of such pain, I felt another wave of tears start to build up. I wanted to tell him that I loved him and that I was Divergent and that I couldn't lie to him anymore. But then I knew he'd take me and turn me in to Max and I'd be dead, sent off to my parents to forever be known as a failure.

Getting to my feet, I slowly stepped up to him, leaving barely an inch between us. Meeting his eyes, I held them; staring into them in hopes that he would see the devotion I had for him. The love that I was unwilling to admit to and yet filled me more than anything. I hated him and yet the moment he took it back I'd once again return to his arms. It didn't matter what he did, I would never turn from him. No matter the distance between us.

Taking his head in my hands, I kissed him slowly, deepening it as I wrapped my arm around his neck, the other remaining against his face. His hands moved to my sides, sliding around them until they were against my back, pressing me tightly against him. Breathing him in - tasting him - I never wanted the moment to end. No matter what anyone said, we were perfect for each other, the light and the dark.

When our lips finally slowed, we still gripped each other, our lips touching as we breathed heavily. Meeting his eyes again, I tried to hold back the tears but I felt a glistening enter them. He saw it, kissing me again, whispering that it was going to be okay. Shaking my head, I knew that it wasn't. I'd have to harden myself to not show the pain I'd be in every single day.

"If you're sure about this than you need to leave." I whispered to him.

He pressed his forehead against mine, taking a slow deep breath, holding it in. "Then you should probably let me go." He smirked at me. Unable to suppress a laugh, I released him, the tears returning to my eyes. "You don't need me. I mean nothing to you. You don't feel anything for me." He told me, repeating the same words I'd told him.

Laughing again, I nodded, "I hate you." I told him, feeling like when we said it we really meant the opposite.

"I hate you too." He said taking my head in his hands, once again pressing his forehead against mine.

"This feels real this time." I whispered to him, gripping his shirt.

"Yeah it does." He replied.

Leaning away so I could meet his eyes, a tear slowly slid down my cheek. "I don't want it to be real."

In the next moment he was shoving me against the wall, his hands finding mine, our fingers laced as he pinned them against the wall. Kissing me passionately, his tongue running the length of mine, deepening it until I couldn't breathe. But as quick as it had started, he pulled away from me and was out of the room before I could do anything to stop him. Sliding back down the wall, I covered my mouth as I started to sob. Everything felt like it had come crashing down, even though nothing bad had happened to me. Not yet. For now I was safe. I was safe because he was leaving me. I was safe because he didn't know that I was Divergent. I was safe because I had made him a better man. The old Eric would have simply forced himself upon me and left. This Eric was protective and possessive. Two things I had grown to love about him. He made me feel like I was special. Now I felt like I was hollow. I hated him.


	19. Giving In

Depression.

Something that seemed to have permanently settled upon me.

Something I never thought that Eric would be the cause of.

Since he'd left, I hadn't bothered to leave my room. Locking all doors, I didn't want to be interrupted and I didn't want to hear the positive words that my friends and family would tell me. I just wanted to drown in my pain. It would pass, I knew it would, but right now I wanted to embrace it. Claude had come and talked to me through the door but she was the only one. Which I could care less about. Part of me thought she had made sure no one else bothered me. Henry would just rub it in my face and Four...well...from the sound of it he was busy with Tris. Claude had used the information about the pair of them as a lure but it hadn't worked. If anything it made me want to stay in bed even more. It would be a slap in the face to see them happily together when I was so miserable alone.

Sitting on the floor with the curtains drawn, I looked at the many faces of Eric, remembering the good moments as well as the bad. Remembering how much I hated him and then the small things about him that I fell in love with. The expressions he made when he slept. The feeling of his fingers trailing across my skin. The euphoria that he brought on by the touch of his lips. I truly adored him and I hated that he had to be the practical one. I knew what we were risking, what I was risking, but it didn't matter to me. I still wanted to be with him. I would accept the consequences.

"Pen!" Claude bellowed through the door. "Enough! Get your ass out here right now!"

Smiling, I looked at the door. "And if I don't?!" I yelled back.

"Then-!" She started but stopped. When she spoke her voice was lowered, "Hey, you responded."

"I'm not dead." I stated.

"Then what the hell happened? Let me in."

Sighing, I got up and went to the door, unlocking it and stepped away, returning to my spot on the floor. She let herself in, closing and locking it again before coming and sitting next to me. For a long moment she just stared, occasionally looking at the wall before me again. I was staring as well, dry-eyed and calm. It was starting to pass.

"It's been three days, Pen. What the hell happened?" She asked softly.

"He officially ended it." I replied.

"You guys always say that and then one of you always breaks."

I shook my head, meeting her eyes, "This was different, Claude. It's over. The dangers of our relationship would eventually show themselves and one or both of us would get hurt. He's protecting me. And himself. And I know that it's for the best but it really hurts. Hurts way more than I thought it would."

"You love him."

Tears immediately filled my eyes, "I don't wanna love him anymore."

"Too bad. You don't get a choice." I covered my mouth as she pulled me against her, letting me cry into her. "See, this is why I like girls." She told me. Laughing, I leaned away from her, wiping the tears from my cheeks. "No more of that." She demanded. "You'll give everyone too much satisfaction if they see you crying over him. He's not worth it."

"He is." I smiled. "He's worth everything." Taking a deep breath, I let it out slowly. "But you're right. No more tears."

"Good."

"Have you seen him?"

"I saw him today." She smiled. "He'd been showing up late and staying all night verses during the day. He reviews all the footage for whatever it is he's looking for."

"The Divergent." I told her.

"What?" She frowned.

"He's looking for the Divergent."

"What does that have to do with keeping you safe?" She frowned. I just looked at her. "Pen, you're not – are you?" She said.

"Yeah, Claude. I am." I replied.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She frowned.

"Because I was told to keep it secret. It's not something one aspires to be. The fewer people who know the safer I am."

"Who else knows?" She frowned.

"Tori and Four. Well, and Tris. Four is Divergent as well. Along with Tris." I replied. She nodded but was clearly upset about it. "I would have told you eventually but now that things are heating up, you should know."

"Why risk being with Eric then?" She frowned.

"Because I had convinced myself that it didn't matter. That he would never know and that I could get away with everything. But I can't. He is going to find out and I don't know what he's going to do."

"It's a good thing that he was the one to end it then. No suspicions are on you."

"No." I said shaking my head. "When this all started, knowing that he's going after people like me made me want to be close to him, to keep tabs on what he knew. It's so much more than that now. I want to be with him. I don't care about the risk to me, but he's still after the Divergent. Tris is Divergent and he was hot on her trail because of her simulation times." I could hear her breath slightly catch. "I managed to steer him away from the idea but if he figures out about her I don't think she'll keep it to herself if she thinks she can use me against him to protect herself."

"What about Four?"

"I don't think Tris even knows about him."

"That's good." She nodded.

"But it's going to come out. Something is going to happen and we are all going to be exposed."

"No, nothing's gonna happen." She replied matter-of-factly.

"You don't know that." I replied. "I feel like we're hitting a breaking point and something has gotta give. I'm just afraid the Divergent are going to pay the price for it."

"You're going to be fine." She told me. "Nothing is going to happen to you. And despite what Eric has said, done, or not done, he will not let anything happen to you. He loves you."

"I like to think that he does." I nodded.

"He does, Pen. I know he does. After what you told me Max said, I've been watching, and he was right. Eric revolves around you whether he realizes it or not. He loves you, Pen."

"Thank you." I told her, resting my head against her shoulder.

Spending just a few more minutes there, she forced me to shower, brush my teeth and make myself look halfway presentable. Then we went and got our hair dyed. I had mine cut first, leaving it just a few inches below my shoulders, re-layering it. Then we re-dyed, covering up the roots that were getting quite noticeable being darker than the colors that were in it. Though I did go a little darker, less yellow and the orange and red were a little dark, blending well with the brown. Claude trimmed the blue off the end of her hair before dying them purple, Terra's favorite color, still pulling it up into a messy bun.

Then we were moving again, going to the Tattoo Parlor to see Tori. She gave me a small guilt trip, wondering how I could show up randomly but not for work and without an explanation. I tried to explain but Bud interrupted, giving me a lecture, telling me that if I missed one more day that he'd report me to Max, washing his hands of me. I managed to talk him down, promising to be in tomorrow if he gave me the rest of today with Claude. He agreed without needing convincing and went about his work. Besides, he liked me too much to turn me into Max. Not only that but he would lose a lot of customers if he took me away.

Tori looked at Bud before moving to the opposite side of the room. "Okay, spill."

Looking at Claude, I nodded, taking a deep breath as I sat in one of the chairs before telling her what happened. She sanitized supplies while I talked, Claude adding things here and there. Most of it was nothing new or surprising, which didn't bother me, but when she finally replied, I had expected a little sympathy even though I didn't want it. I was going to be stubborn about it but I knew that part of me needed it.

"You two are the most confusing couple I've ever met." Tori stated sounding annoyed.

"Ex-couple." I stated with sadness.

She shook her head, "It'll never last."

"What if it does?" I asked.

"Then it's for the best. You don't need the trouble he'll bring down on your head."

Sighing, I nodded, "I know."

She sighed as well, "You know what he's after. Just stay away from him. Let him be the bad guy. Let him protect you even if he doesn't know how much he really is."

Feeling emotional, Claude stood and wrapped her arm around me, looking at Tori, "No matter what she decides we'll have her back. We'll support her. It might be for the best but if they want to be together then we'll look out for her."

"I've been looking out for her since the second I knew what she was." Tori shot at her, stepping toward her. "So don't tell me that we'll look out for her. Telling her to stay away from Eric is me looking out for her. He will be the end of her, Claude. You have to see that."

"Don't argue." I frowned at them as I got to my feet.

"I do see that." Claude replied. "But it's not about Eric. It's about Pen and what she wants."

"I want you both to stop fighting!" I yelled.

Tori and Claude looked at each other before nodding. Tori stepped up to me, brushing my bangs out of my eyes. "I'm sorry."

Nodding, I wrapped my arms around her neck, "This sucks, Tori. I know it's for the best but I just…" I said trailing off.

"I know. I'm sorry." She repeated, hugging me tightly. "I am so sorry, Pen. I know what he means to you."

Letting her go, I shrugged, "Yeah, well, something had to give."

"You'll be okay. You're tough." She smiled.

"As nails." I smirked. "Or so I've been told."

She chuckled and shook her head at me. "You've got us, Pen. Just remember that and everything will work out."

"I know." I smiled.

"We should get some food into you." Claude said brushing my hair over my shoulder.

Nodding, we made our way to the door. We had barely taken two steps outside the parlor when I froze, seeing Eric. He did the same, offering me a small smile. Nodding, my entire demeanor deflated and I was suddenly slipping right back into a state of depression.

"I'm not very hungry anymore." I told Claude and veered off back toward my home.

"Pen." Claude said sadly.

"It's fine, Claude." I told her without looking back. "I just need to go…die or something."

Going back to my apartment, I crawled onto the bed, looking at my wall of Eric. Tears filled my eyes and I tried to not be this pathetic. He was just a guy and I shouldn't be letting him have this much control over me. Only that made it just that much more obvious that what I felt for him was far stronger than him just being a guy. He was my guy.

Come morning I felt like crap. I hadn't slept all night and I was in no mood to deal with Dauntless and tattooing and Bud and Tori and everyone else who'd be coming through the door. Initiation day was just a few days away and all the excitement and drinking and carrying on was starting to make me angry; making me want to hurt something, though someone would have been more fun.

Since sleep wasn't an option, I went to the training room and tried to beat a hole in one of the punching bags. Sweat was soaking the back of my shirt, dripping down my face before dripping onto the floor. When my fingers were numb, I finally stopped, looking at my hands. I had bandaged them to hopefully keep them intake, but I could see red starting to soak through. Sighing, I went back home to shower, cleaning up my hands before getting ready for the day. Dressing casual with just a V-neck and cargo pants along with my boots, I finally made my way to the Parlor, keeping my word to Bud.

"Well don't you just look like a ray of sunshine." Tori smiled at me. I shot her a look and she quickly deflated. "Sorry."

"If I hadn't told Bud I'd come in today than I would still be in my bed, drowning in the pitifulness that has become my life." I shot at her.

"Am I still being supportive if I tell you not to let him have so much control over you?"

"I don't know." I said sitting in a chair and looking away from her.

"Wow." She said sadly sitting next to me. "This is really eating you up."

Meeting her eyes, I nodded, "I just don't feel like doing anything."

Hearing a bunch of ruckus outside, she sighed and looked at me, "Maybe you should go have some fun."

Frowning, I shook my head, "No."

"Pen, you can't sulk around. Go have fun."

"I don't feel like having fun, Tori." I told her sadly.

She sighed, tucking my hair behind my ear, "You'll be miserable here all day and unless someone wants the most depressing tattoo on the face of the earth, you'd do more good out there taking care of you."

"You sure?" I asked with furrowed brows.

"Find Four or Claude or Henry and get a drink. Get drunk even and loosen up a little."

"Bud will kill me." I told her.

"Where do you think he is?" She smiled.

Not feeling like attempting to have fun, I didn't feel much like being here either. Nodding, I did as I was told, grabbing a drink and looking for my family. When none of them seemed to be around, I made the best of it. I danced with Nathan and his girlfriend Kendra until Simmy arrived. Dancing with her, drinking a decent amount, she randomly stopped and disappeared into the crowd. She was odd. When dancing alone started to get to me, I moved to the side of the Pit, finding a cold piece of wall to stand against. I was perfectly happy standing alone, wallowing with drink in hand, when a guy approached me. He was tall and lanky, with just enough muscle to be attractive. He was attractive, but I was not remotely interested in anything he had to offer.

"Come on. Let's find a private place to talk." The first sentence out of his mouth.

"What makes you think I want to talk to you?" I smiled.

"Have you seen me? Have you seen you?" He grinned back at me.

Leaning my face closer to his, I let my lips hover over his before I gripped his chin in my hand. "You have nothing I want."

He put his hand on my hip, pressing himself against me. I could feel his erection through his pants. "How about now?" He said softly in my ear.

Releasing him, putting my hand against his face, I finished my drink, throwing the bottle to the ground. He grinned, rubbing against me. Smiling, I pressed my lips to his ear. "Your tiny cock does nothing for me. Walk the fuck away or I will show you the meaning of pain."

"I like it kinky." He replied.

Grinning, for a moment he thought he was going to get lucky. He was sadly mistaken. Gripping the hand on my hip, I twisted it so he spun and fell to his knees. Pushing him down to all fours, I kicked his balls from behind, making him scream with pain. Simple but effective. Others were looking now but they are were either smiling or laughing. Smirking at them all, I stepped over him and made my way back to the parlor.

I had just stepped into the back when I was grabbed, being spun round, coming face to face with Eric. He snaked one arm around me, the other moving to my face, kissing me deeply. Kissing him back, I wrapped my arm around his neck, pressing myself against him. With one swipe, the table was cleared and he picked me up, slamming me down on top of it. His hand found my neck, his lips against my ear whispering "You're mine" into it. Feeling a jolt of pleasure, I took his head in my hands, running my tongue along his bottom lip before kissing him passionately. Pulling my pants down just far enough, he moved my underwear aside and thrust inside of me. He was more vigorous then he'd ever been. He made me orgasm within minutes, making my head swim and I couldn't touch him enough. He looked down at me, a serious expression on his face. I smiled, keeping his eyes as I kissed him. He placed his forehead against mine, his brows furrowed, taking a slow deep breath. Taking his head in my hands, I placed a long kiss against his forehead. Then he got off of me, disappearing from sight.

I had barely righted myself when Tori appeared. "Everything okay?" She asked with concern.

"Yeah." I replied, but wasn't sure what had happened. Every time we tried to stay apart something brought us back together.

That night, lying in bed, I couldn't sleep. All I could think of was Eric. If he wanted to lay claim to me, than he shouldn't have broken up with me, even though we technically weren't even together. Frustrated to all hell, I growled as I got out of bed. Hoping to glean some insight to my own mind, I made my way to the Fear Landscape, wanting to know if anything had changed.

Injecting the serum, I laid down, shutting my eyes as it took effect. Opening my eyes, I was standing on top of the Hancock Building. The zip line was there, taunting me. I never had the guts to go down it. Heights scared the shit out of me. Hooking myself up to it, I slid down it, letting the fear turn into exhilaration.

The scene changed and I was falling, landing in a circular room. In the distance I could hear water running. Knowing what was coming, I was already panicking. Then the water was flowing in, swiftly rising up the walls, forcing me to tread water. I never found a truly Dauntless way to save myself. Focusing on the wall, it exploded, sending me through the hole and onto dry land. A barren land, the earth cracked, skeleton trees and tumbleweeds drifting as the wind blew.

Breathing hard on my hands and knees, I felt something crawl across my hand, looking down to see a spider. Shaking it off, I could hear them coming, sprouting out of the cracks in the ground. Getting to my feet, I attempted to move away from them but they were coming from every direction, their size growing with each passing moment. Scrambling to the closest tree, I climbed it, but they only followed me. Feeling their legs touching me, hearing their pinchers, I attempted to escape them, knowing the only way to move on was to destroy them. Staring into the beady eyes of one attempting to bite my foot, I finally found my courage; I dropped from the tree, feeling their simple skeletons break beneath my feet. Killing as many as I could, the biggest I've seen broke through the ground, and rushed toward me. A knife appeared at my thigh and I swiftly took it out of its sheath, running toward the massive beast. Stabbing it in the eye, it struggled, its large leg hitting me aside before it died.

God I hated spiders.

Hearing my name, I looked up to see my family, all huddled together with Dauntless soldiers surrounding them. They all had their guns aimed at my family. The first time I'd gone through this, I'd watched them get shot and the panic would take me over. Four knew what I was when I had made the entire scene explode, waking me from the simulation. At the time, if they were going to die, then so was I. Now, I didn't hesitate to move. Darting forward, I snapped the neck of one, grabbing their gun as they crumpled to the ground, shooting two before the gun was knocked from my hand. Blocking a kick, I blocked two punches before I punched their jaw, feeling and hearing it crack from the force of it. Two were left, working together to beat me before I managed to grip the balls of one, making them fall to their knees. Head-butting him as hard as I could, I gripped his dagger before throwing it behind me, hitting the last square in the chest. Looking at my family, I'd saved them. I never wanted anything to happen to them. But I also didn't need them in the same way I used to.

Turning, I walked away from them, finding myself in the fields of Amity. Ahead of me was a large tree, their branches full of ravens. Nodding to myself, I stepped forward. As soon as my foot left the ground, they all started to cry, erupting as one into the sky. They circled above me before they made their descent. Running to the tree, I broke a branch off of it, holding it at the ready to defend myself. Swinging, for every one that I hit, I'd feel the beaks of two more jabbing into my skin. Just when I thought I had fought them off, one single raven would attack, erupting in flame before it slammed against me. The others did the same, fire lapping at my flesh as their beaks dug into me. Screaming, my flesh burning, falling onto my back, they retreated just long enough to form one single entity. Getting to my feet, I watched it circle me before it tucked its wings, falling toward me as fast as it could. Standing tall, I opened my arms and tilted my head back, letting it devour me. Death. I was afraid of death yet no longer in this moment. Let it take me.

Before now my landscape always ended here. The ravens were always last. Only I didn't come out of it. Instead I was faced with another. A new fear. The answer I was looking for. Eric stood in front of me. We were standing in a square room, white paneling covering every surface, making it bright, too bright. He had a gentle smile on his face, like the one he gets before he falls asleep. Slowly walking to him, smiling, he reached out for me. Feeling a wave of relief and happiness, I wanted to rush to him and yet at the same time all I wanted to do was stare. In the next second there was a gunshot and he fell to the ground, a hole in his back. Rushing to him, I rolled him into my arms, cradling him tightly as blood spilled from his mouth. The red was overpowering. Telling him he'd be okay, he met my eyes, his body tensing before he started to relax, his eyes remaining only half lidded as he died in my arms.

"Pen." Eric's voice said from behind me.

Jerking my head toward the sound of his voice, he was standing there with a confused look on his face. "Eric." I said gently lowering the Eric I held to the ground.

Getting to my feet, I rushed to him, only to have another gunshot ring in my ears. He fell forward into my arms, taking us both to the floor.

"Eric." I said once again cradling him in my arms. "Please. Stay with me."

Forced to once again watch him die, anger started to build up inside of me, but then another shot rang and Eric once again fell dead next to me. It happened over and over and over again until I sat in the center of bodies, all their empty gazes centered on me. Then fear started to win out. My breath came in shutters, shaking as I still gripped Eric tightly in my arms.

"This isn't real." I told myself as tears streamed down my face, staring into Eric's dead eyes. I couldn't take it. "This isn't real. This isn't real!" Snapping my head back I screamed my agony and terror, bodies still dropping all around me.

Jerking up in the chair, I didn't know how I had gotten myself out of the simulation. I'd never done it like that before. Falling to the side, landing on my hands and knees, I vomited onto the floor as shudders moved through me. Sitting on my heels, I wiped my mouth before burying my face in my hands. I had not expected that. I was shaking horribly, tears streaming as I attempted to quiet the sobs with my hands. Taking several deep breaths, I finally got up, swiftly leaving the room, wiping the tears from my cheeks.

Breaking into a run, I didn't slow for anything, barreling through people if they didn't get out of my way. Stopping in front of Eric's apartment, I paced, catching my breath as I waited for the heat in my cheeks to go down. Finally gripping the knob, finding it unlocked, I opened it just enough for me to slip inside. Trying to think of what to say to him, it didn't matter. The first thing I saw was Eric. He was completely naked, sitting on the edge of his bed, his legs spread. He had been looking down, only now he was looking at me, a pained expression on his face. Unable to keep my eyes off of him, I slowly moved forward, my eyes moving to his penis. Only it was red and enflamed. He sighed as he looked at it as well.

"Oh, baby." I said softly, kneeling in front of him, running my hands up and down his thighs. "This is what happens when you take me by surprise and have your way with me so quickly." I teased him.

He gave me a small smile, his hand running down my hair. Gently lifting his penis, I placed a comforting kiss against it. Meeting his eyes, he was smiling wider at me, and I could swear there was a blush in his cheeks. Straightening, I put my hand against his face, bringing him to me so I could kiss him. Slowly moving my lips against his, parting his with my tongue, I wanted to really taste him. I wanted to memorize every inch of him. His fingers ran through my hair, gripping it to keep me from going anywhere. Slowly standing, I straddled his lap as I leaned against him, making him lay back. All the while I was kissing him, my lips moving across his face, down his neck, and along his shoulders. Running my hands through his hair, trailing them down his neck and chest, I could feel him quiver with pleasure. Only then he sucked air through his teeth painfully and sighed as he ran his hands up and down my arms.

"Sorry." I told him rolling off of him but stayed against his side, my hand against his chest.

"I really was going to try and give you up. Let it end and not think about you anymore. But I couldn't. I can't. And I was jealous." He told me. "Like the shaking, want to kill the guy kind of jealous."

"What?" I frowned at him.

"I saw you." He frowned back, making me look at him with confusion. "With that guy."

Thinking, for a long moment I had no idea what he was talking about. Then the creep came to mind. "Oh, Eric, no." I told him. "That guy was being gross and inappropriate. If you saw me with him then you missed the part where I put him on the ground and walked away. That wasn't anything you need to worry about."

"I wasn't worried." He frowned.

"Just jealous?" I smirked at him.

He turned his head and met my eyes with a fierce gaze. "You're mine." He told me.

For a long moment I just stared at him, then I nodded, "I'm yours."

He rolled over and wrapped his arms around me, pressing his face against my chest. Doing the same, I buried my face in his neck, placing gentle kisses until his grip on me loosened and he leaned away from me. He still had a pained expression on his face. I could only imagine the discomfort he was feeling.

"You gonna be okay?" I asked him sweetly.

"Yeah." He replied, his hand moving to my back, gently trailing his fingers across it. Though he was once again staring at the ceiling.

"Hey." I said leaning over him to meet his eyes. "I'm right here. Be with me. Or tell me where you're going."

He smiled, kissing me sweetly, "I'm just thinking."

"About what?" I asked resting my chin on top of my hand on his chest.

"How much it's gonna suck not having sex with you until I heal." He smirked.

Laughing, I kissed him again, "We'll manage. And you can still do things for me." I grinned. He laughed and stared at the ceiling again. "Eric." I frowned.

"I'm with you." He said and pulled me tighter against his side.

Resting my head against his chest, I took in his home. I loved that it felt like the opposite of mine. His was full of words and dark colors where mine was brighter with nothing but pictures. We were complete and total opposites and yet couldn't be more drawn to each other. There was no explanation for it. But I was never happier than I was in his arms. Even when we hated each other, I still cared about him more than anyone else.

The silence between us gave me far too much time to remember my fear. His fingers continued to trail up and down my back. The sound of his heartbeat and his breathing was enough to lull me to sleep, since I hadn't had any for days. Only the second I closed my eyes, I saw him dead again. Feeling the sting of tears, I nestled closer against his side.

"Hey." He said lifting my chin with the side of his finger. "You okay?"

"Yeah." I nodded, leaning up and kissing him. "I am now."

He smiled, kissing me again. "I can't stay away from you." He whispered.

"Don't break up with again, okay? Not ever." I told him.

He smiled at me affectionately. "Are you calling me your boyfriend?"

"You're mine." I whispered before kissing him again.

He laughed, pressing his forehead against mine. "And you're mine."

"We're just asking for trouble." I smiled.

"I am the bad guy."

Smiling, I took his face in my hand, kissing him deeply, "You're my guy."

He chuckled, running his fingers through my hair, "I never thought I'd ever be in a position like this."

"Lying in bed with a beautiful woman?" I grinned at him.

He laughed, pulling my face to him for another kiss. "No, feeling the way I do."

"And how do you feel?" I asked him.

"Amazing." He replied softly.

Smiling, I slowly ran my fingers through his hair, "It's moments like this when I never want to leave. It seems things get ruined every time we try and rejoin our faction." He made a noise in agreement. "Everyone thinks you're this evil person. Now that I know otherwise, I hate being with them."

He scoffed. "I'm not as evil as everyone thinks I am. At least, I don't try to be."

"You succeed at it brilliantly though." I told him as I propped myself up on my elbow. "I mean, you killed Neely. You nearly threw Christina into the Chasm. You had the initiates beat the shit out of each other. You hit and belittled me. And you did all of that without even blinking. You have rightfully earned everyone's depiction of you." By the end my anger was flaring and I sat up, crossing my legs and staring at my hands. "I don't even know why I care about you so damn much." I shot at him, meeting his eyes. "But I know you feel guilt and pain. I know you can be sweet and caring. There is so much potential in you, yet I fear that I will never see all of you and that's what I really want, Eric. I want to know you. All of you."

For a moment he just frowned at me. Then he got up, slowly putting on a pair of boxer briefs and then pants and a shirt. "Come with me." He said offering me his hand.

Not hesitating to take it, we left the room hand in hand, making our way to the Pit and then up the narrow path to the Fear Landscape. Letting us into the room, he started to play with serum and the leads needed to connect me to him. I knew what he was doing, but I didn't know how I felt about it. It was a big deal to let someone into your mind like this. Your fears could be used against you. They were personal and yet he was willingly allowing me to see his. I couldn't deny that I wasn't curious, because I was. I was extremely curious to know what he was afraid of. But this would also be the biggest step he'd taken for our relationship.

"Are you sure?" I asked him.

He kissed me hard as he injected me with the serum. Lying down, he put the leads on me before lying next to me. Taking my hand, he let out a shuddering breath before we were thrust into his fears.

The first was something we had in common. We were in a concrete room with water starting to be pumped inside of it. There were windows along one wall, a table and chair the only items in the room. He took the chair and slammed it against the glass, breaking it only to have more water flood in. Taking my hand, we waited until the room filled before we swam out the window and to the clear blue sky above. Swimming to shore, we were now in the woods. Moving through them, there was a hissing sound and Eric leapt aside as a snake moved past his foot.

"Snakes?" I smiled as I picked one up.

"Don't." He frowned as he reached out for me but was afraid to come closer.

Then a snake fell from the trees, wrapping around his neck. He panicked, falling to his knees. He was making it worse, making me rush to him, swiftly taking the reptile from his neck.

"You're okay." I told him, running my hand across his hair before helping him to his feet.

He picked up a large stick, taking slow steadying breaths as he looked around him. Then a snake launched itself from a tree. He held tight to the stick, hitting it as hard as he could, then another and another. Then he gripped my hand and we made a run for it. The forest gave way and we were in the factionless sector of the city. Everyone was sneering at him, laughing at him. He squeezed my hand tightly as they started to surround us. Finding ourselves dressed like the factionless, it was acceptance that moved us forward.

As the crowd dispersed, we found ourselves in Erudite. I could see their headquarters out the window of the home we were in. Then steps came and I turned to see a middle aged couple. I could see Eric in both of them. His parents. Looking up at Eric, he had a hard expression but his eyes were screaming with fear.

"Worthless. You're as worthless as the day you were born." His mother shot at him.

"Go to your room!" His father bellowed, raising his hand to strike him. I moved to protect Eric but he stopped me, taking the blow from his father, falling to his knees.

"I should never have had you." His mother shot at him. "You'll never amount to anything. You're a dumb little boy. I'll be stuck with you for the rest of my miserable life."

"No." Eric said.

"Be quiet!" His father yelled and attempted to hit him again.

Having heard enough, I stepped in between them, punching his father and back handing his mother. The scene shifted and we were once again in Dauntless. Max and a group of well-known members stood in a circle around us. Even Four was there.

"We took pity on you."

"You're only as good as the fear you instill in others."

"You are a sorry excuse for a human being."

"Unworthy of any amount of happiness."

"Pathetic."

"No one wants you."

"You are a nobody, with no one, and will forever be alone."

"You didn't earn your leadership."

"We were forced to give you the position."

"Pointless."

"Nothing."

"Not worth our time."

"Just do your job and shut up."

Eric's face told me he believed what they were telling him. "Don't listen to them." I told him. "You are worthy, Eric. You're far more worthy than I thought you were. Don't believe them."

"It's hard not to when you've been hearing it all your life." He replied.

Four stepped up to him, an evil smirk on his face. "You'll always be second best. You're nothing special. You have to be as horrible as you are otherwise everyone will forget you. You are forgettable."

Taking Eric's hand, I put my other on his face, making him look at me. "Stop. Forget him. Forget all of them. I'm here. I am right here in front of you. I will never be able to forget you. Not ever. You are beautiful and smart and worthy of being wanted. I want you, Eric. I need you." He met my eyes, pulling me against him, kissing me deeply.

He must have believed me since the scene fell away and we were in my apartment. Looking at him confusedly, he sighed, "One more."

Following his line of sight, I was walking toward us.

Watching myself step up to him, I kissed him deeply, feeling my passion for him radiate off of me. Only we weren't alone. Jeanine stepped from the corner, holding out a handgun to him.

"Kill her." She told him.

"Eric." I whispered.

"She's a distraction and will only make you weak." Jeanine told him. "Kill her. Kill her now."

"I can't." Eric told her.

"Eric, I command you to kill her. You cannot refuse me." She told him commandingly.

He took the gun from her, looking at simulation me. I stood there with a loving smile on my face. He took a deep breath before putting the gun to his head. "No."

He pulled the trigger, the bang ringing in our ears as we shot awake from the simulation. Jumping out of the chair, I pulled the leads from myself, breathing hard. Turning back to Eric, he sat hunched over, he was shaking slightly and a glean of sweat covered his body.

He finally raised his head and met my eyes. "Now you know more about me than anyone else."

Stepping up to him, I took his head in my hands, pressing a long kiss against his forehead. He wrapped his arms around me, burying his face in my center. Hugging his head, I trailed my nails up and down his back, feeling him start to relax.

"I'm here." I told him. "And I won't let anything happen to you." He hugged me tighter. "You've become one of my fears as well." He looked up at me questioningly. Running my fingers through his hair, I offered him a small smile. "Before I came to see you, I was here. I wanted to know. All my fears were the same, only I've added one. You." Kissing him deeply, I felt the onset of tears thinking about it. "You were killed in front of me. Over and over and over again. The loss and pain I felt more powerful than anything I've ever felt before."

He stood, pushing me against the wall as he started to kiss me passionately. "I am yours." He told me. "I will always be yours."

"Just as I am yours."

He kissed me again before enveloping me in his arms. I felt safe. Safer than I'd ever felt before. "You will never lose me."

A tear fell, soaking into his shirt. "I can't stand the thought."

Pulling me away from him, he took my head in his hands, smiling at me sweetly. "And to think you used to loathe the very thought of me."

Laughing lightly, I wrapped my arms around his neck. "And now you're all I can think about."


	20. I Will Not Turn From Him

He was finally asleep, even though he looked like he wasn't resting very peacefully. Trailing my fingers across the tattoo on his back, I leaned down and pressed a long kiss against his skin, seeing his expression soften. Resting my head on the pillow next to his, I ran my fingers down his arm before rubbing his cheek with the back of my finger. He was beautiful and gentle and loved me. He hadn't said it yet but I loved him. It wouldn't be a stretch to know that he loved me as well, even if he hadn't told me. At least that's what I kept telling myself.

"I love you." I whispered to him. "One day I'll tell you." Shutting my eyes, I moved against him, falling asleep with my arm wrapped around him.

Waking to his lips against mine, I couldn't help the smile that crossed my face, taking in the taste of him. Opening my eyes, they met the blue of his, a soft smile on his lips. Lifting my hand, I ran my fingers across his lips before my thumb, which he took in his mouth, gently sucking it. Gripping his jaw, I brought his face to mine, moving my hand so I could kiss him deeply. He smiled as he ran his fingers through my hair, his lips moving to my jaw and down my neck.

"I could wake up like this every day." I told him.

"That's my plan." He smiled looking down at me.

Staring at him, resting my hand against his face, he looked happier than I had ever seen him. I felt a sense of pride since it was all because of me. Kissing him sweetly, I ran my hands up and down his arms, unable to stop smiling at him.

"I love your hair." He told me, taking a strand and rubbed it between in fingers.

"It's a little different." I stated.

He smiled and ran his fingers through it, "I still love it."

"Perhaps I'll just grow it out my natural color." I replied looking at it.

"That's not very Dauntless of you." He smiled and kissed me passionately. "What do you think will happen if we just don't show up where we're supposed to?" He asked rubbing my cheek with the back of his fingers.

"Well, I know at least two or three people that will come looking for me." I replied. "And one will come for you and he'll be pissed if he knows you're with me."

He sighed, burying his face between my breasts, groaning, the sound of it reverberating through me. Laughing, I hugged him to me. "I don't care anymore." He told me after lifting his head.

"Eric." I said gently. "If everyone finds out we are both going to be crucified."

"Why does it matter?" He frowned.

"I don't know." I replied. "But it does. Max has already told you to stay away from me. Hell, he told me to stay away from you. And he's past idle threats. Whatever you have going on with him, it's nothing he wants me involved with."

"I don't want you involved either." He said sadly.

I knew they were after the Divergent. I didn't know what their plan was and part of me didn't want to know. But if he told me then maybe I could get him out of it. Maybe if I told him that I was Divergent, we could just leave. But I couldn't leave Four and he sure as hell wasn't going to leave Tris. I couldn't leave Claude and Henry and Tori. So I kept my mouth shut. Even though once we both knew absolutely everything about each other, words would have to be had, and I didn't think he'd be to open to what I was.

He kissed me passionately, chasing away all my thoughts, making me instantly wet with wanting for him, only to have him move off of me. "Where are you going?" I asked, frowning at him.

"We need to get moving." He replied making his way to the bathroom. Ogling his nakedness, he disappeared around the corner, making me sigh. Then he popped his head back into view. "Are you coming or what?"

Grinning, I shot out of bed, running to him, launching myself into his arms with a giddy shriek. He ignored his pain as we made love in the shower, his hands touching all the right places with the perfect amount of pressure, I thought I was going to die of happiness right there. Doing the same for him, when we finally moved from it, we both were grinning, laughing lightly at each other as we passed by, grazing flesh every time.

Jumping onto his back, he carried me from the room and down the hall, dropping me as the commotion of people started to get louder. Pulling me against him, he kissed me deeply before speedily walking away. Pacing for a few minutes, my fingers moving across the places his had been. The spot against my neck where the feeling of his lips still lingered making me grin like a child. Jumping up and down, trying to wear some of it off, when I finally made my way from the hallway, I broke into a run, racing to the Dining Hall and sliding into the empty space next to Claude.

"Hi." I grinned at her.

"Hi?" She grinned in return with furrowed brows.

Something was different. She looked different. Too much empty skin. "Where are all your chains?" I asked her.

"I made a necklace out of them and gave them to Terra." She said matter-of-factly.

Resting my head on my hands, I looked up at her, "Are you happy?"

Just then Terra came flying into view, wrapping her arms around Claude's neck and kissing her deeply. Grinning, I just watched them, knowing exactly what they were feeling.

"Blissfully." Claude finally replied, her eyes locked on Terra.

Standing, I grabbed a muffin, "I know the feeling."

"You do?" Claude said once again training her eyes on me.

"I do." I grinned and moved away from her. Going to the parlor, Tori was there with a serious look on her face. "Wanna share my muffin?" I asked her. She paused and looked up at me, a smile crossing her face. I just grinned back at her. "What's with the serious face?"

"What's with the look of happiness?"

"I'm just…happy." I told her.

"Why?" She asked. I could feel a blush in my cheeks and words wouldn't form in my throat. But her smile fell and she looked at me with that serious look again. "See? I told you the two of you couldn't stay away from each other." She stated with a shake of her head.

"I know." I smiled. "He makes me happy."

For a moment I thought she was going to say something negative, but she just smiled at me, "I'm happy for you."

"Thank you." I nodded at her.

"Hey, you know, there's nothing going on here. If you want to go check up on Simmy, I can handle it."

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yeah. She nodded. You haven't spent too much time there. I know she enjoys your help.

"Okay." I smiled. Leaving, I made my way to the infirmary, following a groaning Dauntless into the doors.

"Thank God!" Simmy exclaimed.

"What've you got?"

"Broken leg." A Dauntless member told me.

Looking, the bone was protruding from the leg. Smiling, I looked at Simmy, "It's gonna be a good day."

Taking far too much pleasure in resetting the leg, the screams erupting from the Dauntless as I did so made me smile. Wrapping it, they were taken to the train, being taken to the Hub to the hospital. For all I knew I hadn't reset the bone properly, not to mention we didn't have x-ray or casting supplies. They were stable, now they just had to get to the city hospital and they'd be right as rain.

I was grateful that the infirmary was nearly full by lunch. Everyone was gearing up for Initiation Day and the fighting had broken out early. Not that I blamed them. We were Dauntless after all. The more ruckuses we caused the more fun we were having. I had three burns, one broken wrist, two stab wounds, and some idiot thought bullet wounds were a form of art. I had chosen Dauntless and had become Dauntless in nearly every way, but I was not about to shoot myself and call it art.

By the end of the day I was exhausted, dragging myself down to the Dining Hall for dinner, sliding in next to Claude. Looking around, my eyes met Eric's and I couldn't help but grin at him. He just winked, keeping the stoic expression on his face, though when he looked down, I could have sworn it was to hide a smile on his face. Laughing with giddiness, he met my eyes once more before a frown set upon it. Giving him a quizzical look, in the next second Henry was sliding in next to me, wrapping his arm around my neck as he buried a kiss in my hair.

"Hey, baby." He smiled.

"Hey." I grinned at him, taking pleasure in knowing that Eric was probably fuming with jealousy.

"Burgers again, I see." He said kissing my hair once more before straightening himself on the bench.

"Meat is good." I told him. "I love Dauntless food."

"I forget you haven't eaten it as long as I have." He smirked, leaning against me as he grabbed the peas.

Shoving him out of my bubble, I grabbed food, happily eating, wanting to replenish my energy before going home for the night. I was sure Eric would want to have some fun and I was more than happy to oblige him. Feeling just as happy as I had this morning, I was excited to go home, swiftly making my way there, when my arm was grabbed and I turned to see Tori with her serious look.

"What is it?" I asked her, my stomach slightly turning.

"Can we talk?" She asked.

"Of course." I said following her back to the parlor. As soon as we were in the back, she stood with a hard stance, crossing her arms as she stared at me. "What's going on?"

"How serious is it with Eric?"

"Very." I frowned at her, crossing my arms. "Why?"

"There are whispers about their searching for the Divergent."

"We already knew that." I stated.

"But the whispers are getting more frequent. Whatever's going to happen, it's going to happen soon." She went on. "If you were ever going to protect yourself now would be the time."

"I'm not turning from him." I told her. "I appreciate your concern but I'm not going to turn from him. Never again. He's shared everything with me. Shown me who he is. I couldn't turn from him even if I wanted to. It's just not happening."

"What did he show you?" She asked.

"He took me through his fear landscape with him. There are legitimate reasons for why he is the way he is."

"And Jeanine's involvement with his leadership position?"

"To find the Divergent. You know that."

"And you think it's a good idea to go to bed with him? If he finds out do you honestly think he'll protect you?"

"Yes." I told her with certainty. "I'm not the only one in love here."

"I'm worried." She told me.

Smiling, I took her head in my hands. "I'm not."

Moving away from her, I ran to my apartment, opening the door to see Eric sitting on the edge of it. Grinning, shrieking like a child, I ran to him, launching myself into his arms, flattening him against the bed. Resting myself on top of him, I silenced his laughter as I kissed him deeply, tasting him, breathing him in. I didn't care what anyone else said, I loved him and was going to be with him for as long as he would have me. Even if that was the end of my life. Another revelation. Sitting back, I frowned down at him.

"What is it?" He asked running his hands up and down my thighs.

"I was just thinking and..." I told him, trailing off.

"And what?" He asked gripping my ass.

"Well, I think I'm completely crazy about you and I suddenly don't give a shit who knows or what they think." I replied.

Rolling me underneath him, he smirked down at me, "Careful. I might just let the word slip myself."

"Do it. I don't care anymore. I'm with you, Eric. I'm yours. Let everyone know. If they have a problem with it then that's their problem. But I am not ashamed and I will not deny you." He just smiled and kissed me passionately, his hand slipping under my shirt. "Make love to me, Eric." Grinning, he did as he was told, making me feel like electricity was flowing between us.

Breathing hard, he lay on top of me, hugging my shoulders as I ran my nails up and down his back, feeling him shudder slightly. Smiling, I pressed a kiss into his hair, taking a deep contented breath. For a moment everything was bliss, then he rolled off of me, making me whine with disappointment. He propped himself up on his elbow, drawing shapes against my stomach with his finger before pressing a long kiss against it.

"We shouldn't say anything." He told me.

"What?" I frowned. "You're always the one who says you don't care."

"That's because you always are the one who says no."

Propping myself up, I mirrored him, "So now we switch roles or what?"

"I just think it's for the best."

"For who? You?" He just looked at me. "Sorry, that's unfair. But are you saying this to protect you or me?"

"You, Pen." He frowned. "I'm not worried about me."

"Is something going on that you're not telling me? I know you don't tell me much about your job but I want to think that you'd tell me if something bad was going to go down."

He met my eyes just long enough to tell me that something was going on. "Everything is fine, baby." He said and kissed me sweetly. "You don't need to worry. Nothing'll happen to you."

I believed him. I knew he would protect me. But while he was doing that who was looking after him. "Or to you, right?" I asked resting my hand against his chest.

He smiled, putting his hand against my face. "I've never had anyone care about me like you do."

"Eric, nothing will happen to you either, right? Because I do care about you and if something happens to you they'll see a whole different side of me that they've never seen before."

He just smiled and kissed me, "Thank you."

"Don't thank me." I told him with furrowed brows, wrapping my arm around him. "Just tell me that you'll be okay. Because I know something is going on. I'm not stupid and I know when you're holding back. I'm not asking you to tell me what it is, I just want you to tell me that you'll be okay."

"No need to be anxious." He told me. "I will be just fine."

Nodding, I took a deep breath. "Sorry, I didn't know I was going to get all worked up."

"Those feelings for me are kicking your ass." He smirked.

Meeting his eyes, I was still attempting to calm down. "They really are."

Laughing, he rolled on top of me, continuously kissing me as I wrapped my arms around him, never wanting to let go.

Before I knew it the remainder of the week was behind us and Initiation day was tomorrow. Emotions were running high, and the initiates were starting to freak out. Making them easy targets for everyone else. Pushing their buttons gave much pleasure to their future faction members and if there was ever a time to get a rise out of them it would be now.

"You think I'll make it?" Christina asked as we trained that night.

"I do." I told her. "You've got a lot of strength and I think they've noticed that."

She sighed with relief, "Thanks."

"Welcome."

"Will Eric be the one telling us?"

"Yeah." I told her.

"He's such an asshole." A passerby stated as he eavesdropped on his way by. He was a large burly man who clearly thought he was hot shit. He glanced at us with a raised brow as he and two of his comrades started to train a few bags down. "He was given that position, he never earned it."

I glared at them, feeling adrenaline start to flow as my anger spiked. Averting my eyes, I attempted to stay focused on Christina. "Don't lower your shoulder when you punch, it lets them know it's coming." I coached. She nodded, continuing to punch the bag.

"He attempts to lead but we all know what his purpose is."

"Keeping an eye out for those freaks."

They were pushing my buttons. _Just shut up._ I thought as I looked at them.

Christina had stopped and was looking at me. "Do you know what they're talking about?" She asked softly.

"Yeah." I replied.

"He's about as useful as the idiot who drowned in the Chasm."

They all laughed. Now it wasn't just me who they were pissing off. "They didn't...?"

"Oh, they did." I replied. Nodding at her, I stepped around the bag. "Now, the right thing to do in a situation like this would be to walk away." I told her, rubbing my knuckles.

"But you're not walking away, are you?" She smiled.

Shaking my head, I met her eyes. "Wanna put your fighting skills to the test?"

"Against them?" She asked. "They're huge."

I raised a brow at her. "Are you afraid?"

She raised herself to her full height. "No, ma'am."

"Never call me that again." I told her and started toward them. "What were you saying about the boy who drowned?"

"He was a pussy." One shot at me.

"And Eric?" I asked next.

"A useless piece of dog meat that should've been thrown into the Chasm years ago." The biggest replied towering over me.

"I'd watch what you say. He could easily kick your ass. He is pretty damn ruthless after all."

"He's a spoiled child. Unworthy of the leadership he possesses. He couldn't lead the blind down a straight hall." He stated, spitting at me.

They were talking like Eric's fear landscape, making fire run in my veins. It wasn't my business and he didn't need me to defend him, but that wasn't going to stop me. "He's more of a man then you'll ever be." I stated with conviction. "You are from a time where they let everyone in. You'd never make it now. And by the looks of you, you've probably got, what, maybe ten years before they force you into the Chasm? Who'll be the pussy then?"

Christina gave me a nervous look, right before I ducked and she dodged the arms of two men. Gripping the man's arm, I buried my knee into his stomach before elbowing him on the back of his shoulder. He went down, though a fist from another sent me stumbling backward as it collided with my face. Christina was in the hands of the third, making me ignore being hit, kicking the back of the guys knees so he would release her. She took several steps back as I used his shoulders to stabilize myself as I leapt and kicked the big one in the chest with both my feet, then I spun and slammed my hands against the ears of the one who was down, making him cry in pain. Then the third was next to me, sending a blow deep into my side, air rushing from my lungs. Then there was a blow to my other side, my hair was grabbed and I was lifted from the ground. Spitting in the face of the big one, he took my throat, licking my cheek.

"You smell pretty."

"And you can go to hell." I said kicking him in the groin. He released me and I turned, punching one across the jaw.

Only then I was grabbed and thrown. I rolled and slammed into the wall, the back of my head colliding with it. I hadn't righted my vision before I was hit across the cheekbone. A foot slammed into my abdomen. Curling into the fetal position, I attempted to block my head and stomach, feeling blows against my legs and arms. But then there was commotion and the beating stopped. Rolling out of my ball, I jumped to my feet, watching as Eric, Four, and Henry took on each one, beating them into submission. It was amazing to watch. As soon as they were gone, they all were looking at me like I was about to get a beating all over again.

Before anyone could say anything, Eric gripped my arm and started to pull me from the room. Not fighting him, he pulled me through the halls. We were heading to my apartment and I could feel his anger in the way he painfully gripped my arm. Not saying anything, I let him push me through the door, finally releasing me.

"Eric." I said holding up my hands to calm him.

"What the hell was that?" He practically yelled at me. "Three to one is not how I want to see you go down. And you already know I want to go first."

"I'm sorry." I told him. "They were being callous toward Al and -"

"Al was weak!" He yelled before lowering his voice. "And he's also dead, Pen. Nothing they say will hurt him."

"They were also talking shit about you, Eric." I shot back at him. "And I lost my temper."

"A lot of people talk shit about me. Are you gonna beat everyone up?"

"They sounded like your fear landscape and after everything you've shared with me, I just wanted to protect you."

"I don't need you to protect me." He frowned.

"Well too damn bad. Because I will protect you from everything I can. And if you don't like that, you might as well throw me in the Chasm because death is the only thing that will stop me from protecting you." I shot back at him in one breath, making me pant when I was done.

In the next moment he was kissing me, calming me and exciting me all at the same time. Throwing me onto the bed, I pulled my shirt over my head as he pulled down my pants. Kicking them to the floor, he ripped my underwear off before pulling me against his chest, one handedly unhooking my bra. Pulling his shirt off as he pushed down his pants, I arched against him, eager to feel his flesh against mine. Kissing him deeply, he gripped my thigh, bringing my leg right against his side as he pushed inside of me. After all this time, I'd never fit so perfectly with him. We were finally one and I didn't want it any other way.


	21. And So It Begins

Come morning we had slept little, still held firmly in each other's arms. It had been the perfect night and any morning where I woke up next to him was the perfect start to the day. Though it quickly ended when he realized the time.

"Shit." He said moving off of me and swiftly pulled clothes on.

"What?" I asked sitting up. He turned and looked at me with a smile on his face. Leaning back, letting the sheet fall down, I gave him my best seductive smile. "I'm not done with you yet."

He slowly crawled onto the bed, snaking his arm around me, pulling me against his still bare chest. I thought he was going to kiss me, but instead he yanked me from the bed, still holding me against him. "Save it for later. I have to get to the Fear Landscape. The final test is starting like now." He said before kissing me deeply.

"I sure wish you would stay." I said gently taking his bottom lip between my teeth.

He put me down, slapping my ass, "Get dressed."

"Or what?" I asked, stretching my arms above my head as I moved onto my toes.

He rushed me, making me shriek playfully as he threw me over his shoulder, spinning me before launching me onto the bed. Laughing, he threw himself on top of me, gripping my sides and behind my knees, making me squeal and squirm against him.

"Okay! Okay, okay, okay." I said laughing; only stopping when his lips met mine.

For a moment I just looked at him, running my thumbs back and forth across his cheeks. I wanted to tell him I loved him. That I'd always love him. But I didn't want to ruin the moment. He kissed me once more before pulling me back off the bed.

"I have to go." He told me.

Taking his head in my hands, I kissed him again. "I won't be far behind you."

"Alright, baby." He said kissing me once more before pulling on his shirt, smiling at me as he left.

Grinning, biting my lower lip, I pulled on clothes before leaving as well, going to the Parlor to find Tori. It was alive with activity, everyone needing a new tattoo while everyone was drunk. "Hey!" I hollered over the noise.

"Thank god!" She hollered back.

"Where the hell have you been?" Bud shot at me.

"Sorry!" I replied. "Where to first?" He pointed toward a group of waiting people. "Alright then." I said and set to work.

Before I knew it several hours were gone and the party outside the door was just getting stronger. This day was always one that was eagerly awaited and this year wasn't any different. Nor did it disappoint. We had our own bottle we were passing around, though I partook in the bare minimum. I didn't like working under the influence and I didn't think the people I was permanently tattooing liked it much either.

I didn't think anything was amiss until Dauntless soldiers started to filter through the crowd, injecting people. Frowning, I watched, waiting for them to come my way. Sure enough, they came in announcing that it was a tracking serum in case we ever went missing and would only be activated if such a time occurred. Not thinking much of it, I was surprised when Max himself stepped up to me, an evil grin on his face.

"Injecting me yourself? Should I feel honored?" I said with a raised brow.

He just laughed and injected me. I didn't give him the satisfaction of flinching or making any movement at all. The look he was giving me almost made me feel like I should watch my back tonight. I had no idea what he was thinking and the more I thought about it the more I didn't want to know. And the more I thought about it the more I thought he should be watching the final test.

You could hear when the initiates were done; the cries and cheers from our members filled the Pit and the rest of Dauntless. Soon the crowd thinned and I slipped away, wanting to find Eric. I knew there was a couple hours until the banquet started and if I could get him back to my place for the duration I'd be pretty happy. I felt far too restricted in these clothes and far too empty downstairs. Giggling to myself when I spotted him, he was talking to Jeanine and Max. My stomach dropped at the serious expression on his face. Something was happening. No one else was around and I felt like I was too close even from where I was. I couldn't hear anything but still felt like I'd be executed on the spot.

Turning away from them, I was attempting to rush off when I heard my name. A woman's voice. Turning, Jeanine was stepping toward me. "Hello, Penelope."

"Pen." I stated, glancing at Eric.

"Eavesdropping?" Max asked with a raised brow.

"No." I replied swiftly. "I was simply attempting to escape some of the noise."

Jeanine gave me a small smile. "Not fond of the Dauntless party habits?"

"I am." I nodded. "Just not when it comes to Initiation Day. We all get out of hand too easily. I should probably go check in at the Infirmary. It's been over crowded this week."

"I hear you've done well in the Infirmary." Jeanine stated. "As well as a most skilled tattooist."

Furrowing my brows at her, I couldn't help my next question from spilling from my mouth, "Why are you talking about me at all?"

She just smiled and walked away. Max stepped up to me, hovering briefly. He put his hand on my shoulder, squeezing it before he followed her. Eric stepped up to me, watching them walk away.

"Everything okay?" I asked him, taking his hand.

"Yeah." He smiled, bringing his hand to my face, kissing me sweetly.

"Can you get away or do you need to follow them?" I asked.

He smiled before leading me down the halls and to my apartment. Going in, I half expected him to take me then and there, but he didn't. He kept my hand and led me to the bed, sitting on the edge of it.

"Are we going to have a serious talk?" I asked. He nodded. "Am I going to get mad at you?" He shrugged and nodded. "Do you have to say it?" He nodded again. Sighing, I stood and went to my side of the bed, lying down. "Come here." I told him. He smiled, crawling up to me, resting his head against my chest. Trailing my fingers up and down his back, I pressed a kiss into his hair. "Okay, tell me what's going on."

"They've once again told me to stay away from you." He stated. I tensed but didn't say anything. "I told them that I wouldn't."

"Eric." I frowned.

His grip on me tightened, "It's okay, Pen. They've accepted it."

"Really?" I frowned starting to rub his back again.

"Yeah."

"Is that what was going to make me mad?" I asked.

"No." He said lifting his head and met my eyes. "I'm going to be vague about something and you're going to get highly annoyed with me."

"Okay." I frowned.

"Something's going to go down and I don't want you to hate me when it's over."

"What's going down? Why would I hate you?" I asked him.

"I can't tell you any more than that."

"Eric." I said moving out from underneath him and standing, pacing next to the bed.

He sat up and moved to the edge of it, sighing as he watched me. "Everything is going to be fine. We just have to wait it out. When it's all over we won't have to keep secrets anymore."

Pacing in front of him, I knew that he was talking about whatever move they were going to make against the Divergent. Against me. Pacing, looking around as I processed the fact that time was up, I felt the need to run. To find Four and Tris and everyone else I knew to be Divergent. We needed to get out of here. Then my eyes met his and I knew that I couldn't. He looked worried and yet was trying to hide it. Poorly. Sighing, I stepped up to him, straddling his lap.

"What does this all mean for you?" I asked him.

"What do you mean?" He replied, his arms moving around me.

Kissing him slowly, I ran my hand across his hair, resting it against his neck. "Are you in any danger?"

"No." He replied softly. "At least I don't think I am." Wrapping my arms around his neck, I hugged him tightly. "I'm gonna be okay."

Pressing a kiss against his neck, I took his head in my hands. "If you're not, I'm going to be very angry with you."

He smiled, kissing me passionately. "Thank you."

Smiling, I shook my head at him, "Stop thanking me."

"I'm so in –" He started before stopping.

"You're so what?" I grinned at him.

"Just kiss me already. We don't have much time before the banquet." He replied. Laughing, I did as I was told, making the most of the short time we had.

When the time came and we had to leave again, Eric held tight to my hand. We walked as far as we could together before he branched off. I knew that he had things he had to do before the time came to make the announcements. He had to meet up with Max and get the final briefing. He should have been there the whole time but he had spent half the time he had with me. Not that I was complaining. Going to the Pit to find Claude and Henry, I found them in the crowd, the congregation was thick as we all waited to see who our new members were.

Covering my ears as a microphone squealed, I looked across the room to see Eric, beaming at the sight of him. He stood on one of the tables with microphone in hand, tapping it with his fingers. After the tapping was done, the crowd of Dauntless grew quiet. Eric looked so hard as he stood there, making me all tingly knowing what he was like when we were alone. Giggling to myself, Claude scared the shit out of me as she bellowed and whooped when she caught sight of Terra. Both looked confident and I truly was surprised – shocked really – that she had made it this far. But I also felt like she was not out of the woods. Just because she had taken her final test, that didn't mean she was in. She could still be cut. I silently prayed that that wasn't the case. Claude needed her and I needed Claude to be Claude otherwise me and everyone else would suffer. An unhappy Claude would be disastrous to the point where I thought she might just make herself factionless just to be with her. The thought turned my stomach and sobered me to the point where I was no longer giddy at the sight of Eric. It wasn't his choice but he was the figurehead. I didn't want Claude hating him simply for being the messenger. Keeping my eyes on her, I didn't look away until Eric cleared this throat. So it begins.

"We aren't big on speeches here. Eloquence is for Erudite." He told us. Making me raise a brow since that was where he came from and was currently getting his orders from. Though that was just me, the rest of the crowd laughed. "So I'm going to keep this short. It's a new year, and we have a new pack of initiates. And a slightly smaller pack of new members. We offer them our congratulations." At the word "congratulations" the room erupted, not into applause, but into the pounding of fists on tabletops. The three of us louder than those around us, for this was us five years ago. "We believe in bravery. We believe in taking action. We believe in freedom from fear and in acquiring the skills to force the bad out of our world so that the good can prosper and thrive. If you also believe in those things, we welcome you."

He might have been spewing a lot of crap for our benefit but I knew that he also believed it. A cheesy grin moved across my face again, unable to stop staring at him now. He was mine and even though it wasn't known, I couldn't have been more proud of him.

"Tomorrow, in their first act as members, our top ten initiates will choose their professions, in the order of how they are ranked." Eric called. "The rankings, I know, are what everyone is really waiting for. They are determined by a combination of three scores—the first, from the combat stage of training; the second, from the simulation stage; and the third, from the final examination, the Fear Landscape. The rankings will appear on the screen behind me."

As soon as the word "me" leaves his mouth, the initiates' names appear on the screen, which is almost as large as the wall itself. For a second my smile disappeared. I don't know why, but it does. Next to the number one is "Tris".

"What the fuck?" Claude said and looked at me. I shrugged and looked for her in the crowd. She looked pleased, and for some reason I just want to slap her. "How can he like that little shit?"

"I don't know." I replied.

Then we looked at the rest of the rankings.

1\. Tris

2\. Uriah

3\. Lynn

4\. Marlene

5\. Peter

6\. Will

7\. Christina

Eight, nine, and ten are Dauntless-born whose names we don't even recognize. Then eleven and twelve are Molly and Drew. Scoffing, I nodded. Then my eyes fell on the last name. Terra. They would all be cut. Looking at Claude, the color had drained from her face and she met my eyes. I opened my mouth to say something but she was already moving. Calling after her, I knew there was no stopping her and I couldn't imagine what was going through her head.

"What are we gonna do?" Henry asked, worry written across his face.

"I don't know." I replied. "Come on."

Moving through the crowd in the direction she had gone, we saw her in the hallway with Terra, arguing with two of our soldiers. Terra was sobbing and gripping onto Claude as if her life depended on it. For all we knew it did. But they would never let her stay. It was done, she was cut. She'd have to pack the few belongings she had and she'd be sent to the Factionless sector. Henry and I looked at each other before moving toward them, breaking into a run as one raised their arm to hit her.

"Hey!" I yelled rushing forward, gripping their arm and forcing them back. "That's enough."

"Get back." The other said shoving me.

"Touch me again and you'll regret it." I threatened. One moved to grip me, only to have me twist his wrist and break his elbow. He cried out, falling to his knees. The other moved toward me, but I'd already gripped the gun he had been carrying and aimed it at him. "You can't say I didn't warn you." I smiled at him. Looking around, I found myself alone. "Seriously?" I said frowning at the fact that I had been abandoned. Sighing, I swung the gun, hitting the second soldier across the face before tossing the gun at their feet. "Stay the hell away from us." I told them before rushing off down the hall. Turning a corner, I saw Henry attempting to avoid Claude's flailing arms. "Hey!" I yelled running forward and pulling her away from him. "What the hell, Claude?!" I yelled at her.

"They can't take her." Claude said stepping in front of Terra protectively. Terra gripped her arm. "They can't take her, Pen."

"You don't have a choice." I shot at her.

"She was going to take her and make a run for it." Henry stated, rubbing his wrist.

"What?" I said frowned at my friend. "That won't solve anything."

Claude got in my face faster than I thought she would, though I remained firm in front of her, not reacting to her sudden proximity. "At least I'll be with her."

"And what are you going to do for her? Be Factionless as well? Abandon your faction and your family?"

"She is my family!" She hollered at me.

"And you're mine!" I hollered back, challenging her proximity. "I'm not going to let you throw everything away for her!"

"I love her!"

Calming, I straightened and took a step back, "I know you do, sweetie. But you can't help her anymore."

"I'm going with her." She told me and stormed off.

"Claude!" I called after her.

"Don't do anything stupid!" Henry called as well. "Claude!"

"Let her go." I told him. "She needs time to think. To process."

"And then what?" Henry frowned.

"And then we be there for her." I replied meeting his eyes. "No matter what decision she makes."

He sighed, wrapping his arm around me. Turning into him, I rested my head against his chest, watching where Claude and Terra had disappeared. Wanting to give her space, we attempted to stay away but that only lasted a few minutes. Going after her, we paced outside her apartment, listening to the fighting that was going on inside. Terra was trying to reason with her. She wanted to be with Claude but by the sound of it she wasn't willing to let Claude make such a big sacrifice for her. Claude fought against her but it sounded like Terra was winning. I was both grateful and depressed about it.

Henry left to get us something to drink, knowing that Claude would want to get wasted when Terra was taken away with the others. They were to pack, say their goodbyes, and be at the train. It was more depressing than I had thought it would be. I had never really cared who stayed and went, but this sucked.

Hearing steps, I thought it was Henry, doing a double-take as Eric stepped up to me. "Hey." I smiled, immediately moving to his side, wrapping my arms around him. "Mm, you feel good." I said as I pressed against him.

"You okay?" He asked.

"Yeah." I told him. "I'm just worried about Claude."

"I actually feel a bit sorry for her myself." He smirked down at me.

Laughing, I looked up at him, smiling wider as his lips met mine. _I love you_. I thought to him, kissing him deeper.

"We should be celebrating." He told him, pressing his lips against my neck.

Feeling a shiver run down my spine, I smiled as I ran my hands up his arms to his neck, once again finding his lips with mine. "We will, baby. I just have to take care of Claude first."

"Promise?" He smiled.

"Promise." I said kissing him again.

Hearing steps again, we parted, only to see Henry reappear. "I got the…good stuff." He said looking at Eric. "What are you doing here?"

"Came to see Claude." He replied crossing his arms.

"Now's not a time for a pissing contest." I stated, taking the bottle and downing as much as my throat would allow.

Henry did the same. "I wasn't going to start anything."

Eric was next, letting a good portion of the bottle flow down his throat. "Me neither."

"Slow down." I whispered for his ears only. He raised a brow before the door opened and we all looked up at it. Terra froze, looking at us, before she rushed off. Stepping inside, Claude was sitting on the edge of the bed. Her face and eyes were dry but I knew that Terra had ended it. It was written all over her face. "Here." I said handing her the bottle.

"You're not going to ask any questions or lay into me like I did with you and Eric, are you?" She asked before her eyes moved to Eric who was standing next to me. "Hey." He nodded at her.

"We've got your back, friend." Henry told her, dropping roughly onto the bed next to her.

"Thanks." She replied. "But I'd really like to be alone right now."

"Okay." I nodded. "You know where to find us."

She smirked at me. "I'll wait until tomorrow so you and Eric can have your fun."

Laughing lightly, I nodded, looking up at Eric. He winked at me, briefly putting his hand against her shoulder before leaving. "Henry?" I said looking at him.

"I'm gonna hang out for just a little bit longer." He stated.

"No." Claude told him.

"Yes." He said with a hard tone.

"Henry, I swear to god…" She said shaking her head.

"I –" He started before Eric gripped his arm, leading him to the door, and threw him out, closing the door in his face.

Claude laughed, "Thank you." Eric simply nodded at her. "Not much of a talker is he." She stated.

"I think he's nervous." I smirked at her, getting a raised brow from him.

She laughed, getting to her feet and wrapped her arms around me. "Thank you."

"I love you." I told her wholeheartedly.

"I love you too." She replied. "Now go take care of your man."

We both looked at Eric and I swore I could see a blush rise in his cheeks. "I'll see you in the morning." I told her putting the bottle in her hands. "Try and get some sleep." She nodded. "We'll get away to see her as soon as we can." She nodded again. "I love you." She smiled before pushing me toward Eric. "If you need anything, anything at all –"

"Pen!" She said with a smile. "I know. You've got my back. But don't let me ruin your night. Go be with Eric. Let him make you happy."

"Thank you." I said hugging her again.

"You're my best friend." She whispered in my ear. "I love you."

Letting her go, I turned and looked at Eric, he seemed to read my thoughts and I could see his expression deflate. Looking back at Claude I furrowed my brows. "Maybe I should stay with you tonight."

"Are you crazy?" She asked, looking at me with mock shock, her tone playful. "Have you seen that boy who's waiting for you? If you haven't then you need to look again. Penelope Farrier has tamed the mighty Eric and now you want to spend the night with me? I don't think so."

"I'll feel bad if I leave you." I stated.

"Don't." She told me with seriousness. "I'm gonna be okay. And I'll feel better if you're with him and not causing trouble in the Pit." Sighing, I nodded. "Go be happy." She added with a smile, gently brushing my cheek with her thumb.

Smiling, I kissed her cheek before stepping backward until I felt Eric's hand in mine. Looking up at him, his eyes were on Claude. "Thank you." He told her sweetly.

She smiled at him, "Be good to her."

"I will." He replied matter-of-factly, his arm moving around my waist. "I promise you."

Smiling up at him, I wave of passion for him rose up inside of me, feeling it radiate toward him. "Yeah, we gotta go." I told her opening the door.

Eric was leading me, excitement making my heart race, grinning with eagerness for what tonight might bring. Only in the next second we turned down a different hallway that led away from my apartment. Looking up at him, he gave nothing away.

"Um. Baby?" I said hugging his arm to me. "Where are we going?"

"You'll see." He replied.

Furrowing my brows, I let him lead me. When I finally figured out where we were going, for a moment my chest clenched and it took all of me not to cry. He knew me better than I thought he did. Better than I'd ever imagined.

"Thank you." I whispered to him.

"Don't thank me yet." He told me with a raised brow.

Letting go of my hand, he wrapped his arm around me, pulling me tightly against his side. Wrapping my arm around his shoulder, I rested my head against his chest. Slowing, I looked into the initiate dormitory. Terra was the only one there, slowly putting her things in a bag, processing the fact that she had failed initiation and was going to spend the rest of her life Factionless. Feeling tears well in my eyes again, I gripped Eric's jacket, not sure I could go in. Eric turned me toward him, taking my face gently in his hands.

"I'll wait out here." He said kissing me softly.

He tasted amazing.

"Go." He smiled gently pushing me through the doorway.

Slowly stepping forward, I tried to hold back the tears that were threatening to stream from my eyes. This was depressing. If this were me I'd be a complete and total mess. But from where I was standing, she was calm and collected. Her red hair braided on one side, make-up accentuating the features of her young face. I forget sometimes how young we truly are when we make a decision that changes our entire life.

She's being brave and to me she has never looked more Dauntless. She's no longer that small girl who shot me the first day of training. She's no longer timid. She's gained so much strength and to watch her be forced out seemed horribly unfair. If it weren't for Claude, I wouldn't care. But this small thing had stolen the heart of one of our most prominent Dauntless members from the past five years. She was lucky. Just not lucky enough.

"Terra." I said with more air than sound. She looked up at me and for a moment fear filled her eyes. "I'm so sorry." I told her with a small shudder in my breath. "I really wanted you to make it." She nodded. "I am so very sorry."

She relaxed a little, nodding again. "How is she?"

"The same as you if not worse." I replied.

"I'm okay." She told me.

Furrowing my brows I shook my head, "You don't have to be."

"Should I break down and cry and fight the inevitable?" She frowned at me. "Should I let Claude become Factionless with me just to stay together? Should I hide here in Dauntless while she feeds and supports me from the shadows? I don't have a lot of options here, Pen!" She yelled at me.

"I know." I told her softly. "And I wish there was an easy answer. But there isn't. I wish there was a way for you to stay. I wish that Claude could keep you. I wish there was another way."

"I know." She nodded, her hand moving to the necklace around her neck. "But there isn't. So why are you really here?"

"I just wanted to see if you were okay. Okay enough to take the next step." I told her. "And to see if there was anything, _anything_ that you need."

"I need to be a member of Dauntless." She whispered before tears filled her eyes.

Pulling her into a hug, I held her tightly as she sobbed into me, my own tears falling as I attempted to comfort her. But there was no comfort for her. I couldn't imagine what she and Claude were actually feeling. I didn't want to. Just the thought of losing Eric turned my stomach. Knowing that Claude was losing Terra made me just as sick. I wanted to think of some way to make this better. But there wasn't a way to make it better. There was only dealing with it. Accepting it.

"Terra." A soldier said from the door. "It's time."

She let go of me, nodding. "Thank you for coming." She smiled up at me.

"Please take care of yourself." I told her with a smile, wiping the tears from my cheeks.

As soon as she was gone, the tears started again. Wrapping one arm around myself, I rested the elbow of the other on top of it, putting my head in my hand. Crying, I was alone for only a moment before Eric's arms were around me. They didn't last long, Eric's presence more comforting than anything else could have been.

"Sorry. I know you don't like tears." I told him.

"I'll allow them for exactly five more minutes before I leave you to deal with them yourself." He told me but I could hear the humor in his voice.

Laughing, I let him go, letting him help me wipe the tears from my cheeks. "No more tears. I promise."

"Unless sex with me brings it on." He smirked and kissed me deeply.

Melting against him, I met his eyes, putting my hand against his face, "Can we go home now so you can take care of me?"

"I'm pretty sure Claude told you to take care of me." He stated, gripping my ass.

Smiling, I leaned up and took his bottom lip between my teeth, gently pulling on it as my tongue darted across it. "I think I'm okay with that." Sweeping my legs out from underneath me, he held me tightly against him. "What's with the special treatment?" I smiled, gently playing with the hair at the base of his neck. "What if someone sees?"

"Fuck 'em." He said taking my mouth in his, his taste and smell filling me.

"Put me down." I told him.

"Why?" He frowned.

Kissing him again, I smirked at him, "Because we need to run."

Rushing down the halls, I thought the door was going to break as we practically fell through it. Slamming it behind us, our clothes slipped from our bodies and he threw me onto the bed, throwing himself on top of me. Laughing, I took his head in my hands, running my tongue along his lip before taking his mouth in mine. Feeling him hard against me, he reached his hand down, rubbing me until I was dripping with wanting for him. Moving his hand, he pushed up inside of me, making me groan and arch against him. Falling more and more in love with him, everything but him fell away, nothing else mattering except him.

Afterward, he sat looking at my mural. Trailing my fingers back and forth across his back, I couldn't help but smile. He made me feel amazing. The things he could do. The places he found that made me feel things I never thought possible. He moved his hand to my inner thigh, gently running his fingers back and forth across the length of it, making me immediately wet again, ready for another round. Sitting up, I wrapped one arm around his shoulder, the other around his waist, trailing long gentle kisses up the tattoo. Biting his earlobe before sucking it, I pressed a long kiss against his neck. The grip on my thigh tightened and he turned his head, meeting my lips with his. Putting my hand against his face, he rolled on top of me, once again laying me against the pillows.

Kissing me long and deep, his lips moved to my cleavage, sucking the imbedded barbell before licking his way back to my lips. His tongue met mine, brushing against each other as he ran his hand the length of my body. Bringing my knee up to his side, I wrapped my arm around his neck, deepening the kiss until we threatened to melt into each other. Giving me a quick kiss, he buried his face in my neck, his whole weight on top of me. Closing my eyes, I'd never felt happier or safer than I did in this moment. I loved him. More than I've ever loved anything. I never wanted to feel for him. All I wanted was sex only now all I wanted was him. With him everything else fell away. When we were alone it didn't matter who he was or what he had done. I realized that it didn't even matter whether we were alone or not. I was in love with him. Nothing else mattered and nothing would ever make me feel differently about him. I would never turn from him, no matter what he did or what went down. He was stuck with me. For life.

Running my hand across the back of his head, I gently trailed my nails up and down his back, just the way he liked it. His arms were wrapped around me, their grip slowly loosening as he fell asleep against me. Perfectly content, I continued to trail my fingers, placing sweet kisses against his shoulder, neck, and jawline. Feeling his breath against my own, the rise and fall of his chest against mine, his smell and his weight on top of me all lulled me to sleep, never wanting to let him go.

Waking to gentle kisses against the back of my neck and along my shoulder, I found myself wrapped in his arms. He gently played with my hair, putting his chin over my shoulder, pressing a kiss against my cheek. Rolling, I met his blue eyes in the night, smiling at him as I trailed my finger across his lips and cheek.

"I didn't mean to wake you." He told me softly.

"I'm not complaining." I smiled back at him. Putting his hand against my face, he kissed me deeply, pulling me against his chest. His hands moved up and down my back, tenseness in his touch that I hadn't felt before. "Are you okay?" I asked him, wrapping my arm around him comfortingly, my fingers trailing up and down his back.

His brows furrowed and for a moment he just looked at me. Then he finally nodded. "Yeah."

Kissing him, I rested my forehead against his, my hand against his face. "I know you better than that."

"I don't want you to worry." He replied.

"Who said I was worried?" I smiled playfully.

He returned it, kissing me, "I know you better than that." Laughing lightly, I kissed him again. "Go back to sleep." He told me as he placed a kiss against my forehead.

"Will you still be here when I wake up?" I asked him, pressing my face against his chest.

"Always." He whispered so softly that I didn't think I was meant to hear it. "Sleep."

Nestling against his side, I knew that he was still awake. Even the sound of him breathing seemed tense. I wasn't sure if I should be worried or not. But now that I fully realized how much I loved him, I didn't want to be apart from him. Despite everything he had done. I could forgive him. I could trust him. I'd do anything for him. Feeling myself tense as I realized all of this, he felt it, his grip tightening around me. Feeling his lips against my forehead, I shut my eyes, moving closer against his side. Running my hand up his chest, I rested it against his neck, running my thumb back and forth against his jaw, waiting for either sleep to take me or for whatever he was worried about to happen.


	22. Now He Knows

When I woke next, I reached behind me for Eric only to find the bed empty. Sitting up, I looked around the room. "Eric?" Nothing. "Baby?" Still nothing. Then I heard the familiar drop on the balcony. Getting up, wrapping the sheet around me, I opened the balcony door, "Four?"

He put his finger to his lips, whispering, "Something is happening."

"What are you talking about?" I frowned at him.

"Quiet." He said in a harsh whisper. "Get dressed." He commanded.

The expression on his face and the tone of his voice made me start to feel panicked. Quickly pulling on clothes, I tied on my boots, watching him closely. He was by the door listening intently.

"Four."

"Come on." He said taking my hand. "Just act like everyone else. Don't react."

"React to what?" I frowned harder.

He turned and took my head in his hands, his eyes more serious than I'd ever seen them. "Opie, for once, just listen to me, and don't ask questions. We need to move." He said pulling me to the door.

Opening it, we slipped out into the dark. Following the hallways toward the Pit, we joined our faction members. They walked in rhythm with each other, blank expressions across their faces. Frowning, I watched as they all lined up, being given weapons from tables ahead of us. Looking at Four, he raised a brow as we got into line next to each other, falling in step with the others. Fear was starting to creep into me, making it difficult to keep the blank expression the others had on my face.

We were halfway through the line when I saw Eric up ahead. He was apart from the rows of our peers. He was talking to Max. I wanted to call out to him but I knew that it would be too dangerous. I was different. So was Four. Turned out there was more Divergent among us then we thought.

"What are we doing? What's wrong with you guys?" Looking toward the sound of the voice, it's some guy I didn't know, moving back and forth between the lines.

Max looked at Eric who stepped up to the guy, "Hey. Hey, it's okay." Eric told him.

Then he brought up his gun, shooting him point blank in the head. He went down with an audible thud and I had to stifle a scream. Eric had just killed someone. Someone Divergent. Straightening in line, I fought to smooth my face, wanting to react to what I'd just seen. Keeping tears at bay, I didn't want to believe that Eric would do such a thing, but I'd just witnessed it. I knew he was capable of killing. He'd killed the man who had hurt me in the med area. I knew he was capable, but seeing it and hearing it was different.

Hearing steps, I swiftly righted myself, now terrified to be discovered. Feeling my wrist grabbed, I was pulled from the line. Keeping a blank expression on my face, staring into nothing, Eric stood in front of me with his hands on my arms. It took all of me not to respond to him. He looked at me with a pained expression. Putting his hand on the side of my head, he kissed me several times and I wasn't able to respond to him. Staring straight ahead was torture. Then he simply stared at me, running his fingers through my hair before trailing his thumb across my lips.

"I'm so sorry, baby." He told me sadly, running his hand down my hair. "I tried."

"Eric!" Max yelled at him.

Putting his forehead against mine, he let out a shuddering breath. "I love you, Pen." He whispered. "I hope one day you can forgive me so I can tell you that I love you and you won't hate me for it." Kissing me once more, he returned me to the line and rejoined Max.

Keeping a stoic expression, my eyes filled with tears and they slowly slid down my cheeks. Nearing the table of weapons, I quickly wiped them away before a weapon was pushed into my hands. Holding it, we were marched to the train and loaded on. As soon as we were underway, I looked around me to see row after row of expressionless Dauntless. Seeing no one not in the simulation, I bowed my head, letting tear after tear slide and drip down and from my cheeks. Shaking uncontrollably, I jumped when a hand touched my shoulder. Turning, Four gave me an apologetic look, Tris at his side. Nodding at him, I cleared my eyes, squeezing his hand tightly as he slid it into mine.

When the train slowed, the doors opened to reveal Abnegation. Right before we jumped down from the car, I see Tobias turn his head toward Tris, telling her to run. I nodded but she was clearly not going to listen to him.

"My family." She told him.

Clenching my jaw, we look straight ahead, jumping down when it's our turn. Four is in front of Tris with me behind her. I focus on the back of Four's head, using my peripheral vision to see around me. It's too quiet. All the buildings are dark and empty while the roads are packed with Dauntless soldiers, all marching at the same rhythm. All except the officers, who stand every few hundred yards, watching us walk by, or gathering in clusters to discuss something. No one seems to be doing anything. So why the hell were we here? Was war really about to be brought down on them?

Keeping in pace with the others, a popping sound started to fill the air. Clenching my jaw, I didn't need to be closer or to see it in order to know what was happening. Gunshots. Many of them. Ahead of us, I see Tori. Not reacting, I watched as she pushed a gray-clothed man to his knees. She took her gun from her holster and, with sightless eyes, fired a bullet into the back of the man's skull.

My whole body tensed but I knew that I couldn't react. Shutting my eyes as we passed her, I couldn't handle looking at her. If only she knew what was going on. I felt bile rising in my throat, swallowing it down the best I could as we kept moving.

Feeling Four's hand on my back, we moved forward, following the others. "What are we doing here?"

"They're taking over Abnegation." He replied softly.

Jerking my head so fast it hurt, my eyes started to scan for Eric. I needed to see him, I needed to make sure he was okay.

"I need to find my parents." Tris stated.

"Where's your house?" Four asked.

"I need to find Eric." I told Four.

"No." He said forcefully gripping my wrist.

"Four."

"He's a part of this, Opie. You need to stay away from him." He told me with all the seriousness he could muster.

"Four, I -"

"I know." He stated. "But right now we have to get out of this. We need Tris's parents. They will be able to help us." Nodding, he kept tight to my wrist as we moved out.

Moving through the streets, there was now screaming and yelling everywhere. It was true. The Dauntless were taking over Abnegation. But why? And why was everyone in a simulation? Touching my neck, I remembered the serum they injected us all with on initiation day. We were being used. Used to meet someone else's end game. Feeling my jaw tighten, I remembered the moments I had caught Eric and Max talking to Jeanine. Erudite. They were finally making their move. I wanted to be furious at Eric for it, but all I could feel was worry. He needed to be okay. I needed him to be okay.

As we moved, I couldn't help but keep looking for him, wanting just a glance to make sure he was safe. We made it to Tris's without incident, only her parents weren't there. She looked around at everything she knew, all of it about to disappear.

"Where would they go?" Four asked her, finally letting go of my wrist.

She shook her head, "I don't know."

"Four." I said looking at him.

"No." He said pointing his finger at me. "He doesn't know about us. He doesn't know about you. He's after us, Pen. You cannot go to him. He'll know what you are and he'll take you to Jeanine."

"What does she want?" I asked him.

"I don't know." He replied putting his hand against my face. "But we need to stick together."

Nodding, I took a deep breath. I understood what he was saying. I simply wished to believe that Eric wouldn't hurt me.

Needing to keep moving, we attempted to stay at the outskirts of the city, not wanting to be seen. Unfortunately, we weren't that lucky, despite the beat my heart skipped when Eric appeared. I was still hidden behind a wall, peering as Eric stepped in front of Four and Tris, Max and a few others with him.

"This is insane." I hear Eric say.

"They really can't see us? Or hear us?" A female voice asked.

"Oh, they can see and hear. They just aren't processing what they see and hear the same way." Eric explained. "They receive commands from our computers in the transmitters we injected them with and carry them out seamlessly."

"Don't do anything stupid." I whispered, feeling lucky that no one had seen me yet.

"Now, this is a happy sight." I heard him say. Peeking around the corner, he was standing in front of Four. "The legendary Four. No one's going to remember that I came in second now, are they? No one's going to ask me, 'What was it like to train with the guy who has only four fears?'" He drew his gun and pointed it at Tobias's right temple. My heart started to race and yet I stayed where I was. "Think anyone would notice if he accidentally got shot?"

"Go ahead." The woman said, sounding bored. She must be a Dauntless leader if she can give Eric permission. "He's nothing now."

"Too bad you didn't just take Max up on his offer, Four. Well, too bad for you, anyway." Eric told him quietly. Always a fucking competition. I listened as he clicked the bullet into its chamber, bringing it to Four's head.

In the next second, Tris' gun is already pressed against Eric's forehead. His eyes momentarily grow wide, shock setting in before he could hide it. Her finger is hovering over the trigger. My heart starts to race faster and for a long moment I couldn't breathe. If I was going to make a move than I needed to make it soon.

"Get your gun away from his head." She told him.

"You won't shoot me." Eric told her.

"Interesting theory." Tris told him. I could tell by the look on her face that she didn't have the guts to kill him.

"Wait." I said coming from round the corner. My weapon was lowered but a Dauntless gun was immediately trained on me. Eric's head whipped around and he met my eyes, anger, pain, and confusion written across his face. "I'm sorry." I told him. "Tris."

"Stay out of it, Opie." Four told me. "You're too close to this."

"Please." I told Tris slowly stepping in front of Eric. My hand moved to his arm but he jerked it away from me. My heart broke a little in that moment. "Let's just get out of here. No one needs to get hurt."

"It's not that simple." Eric said behind me.

Turning, I met his eyes, "Baby, please." I whispered.

His expression was pained but in the next second he hit me, sending me to the ground. There was a flurry of activity, shots ringing, before my waist was grabbed and we were running. Looking over my shoulder, I saw Eric on the ground, holding his leg. "Eric!" I screamed, Four keeping me moving even though I attempted to dart back to him.

Then we were under fire. Bullets whizzed past us. I heard Eric yell for them to stop firing. Then pain seared in my left side and I went down, rolling and springing back onto my feet. Only then I saw Tris go down, her shoulder bloody. Four stopped to help her despite her yelling for him to run. I should have. I should have run and attempted to figure out my next move. Only I found myself stopping, blood moving through my fingers as I covered my side. In seconds we were surrounded, a soldier shoving me closer to Four and Tris. She was obviously having trouble with being shot but it was nothing I hadn't felt before. Only this time it was real. This wasn't a dart in my back. This was happening. I couldn't wake up from the nightmare this was becoming.

"Divergent Rebels." Eric said standing on one foot. He's pale. It took all of me not to go to him. "Surrender your weapons."

"Eric." I said dropping my weapon immediately.

"Don't." He said softly as he met my eyes. "I trusted you."

"I never wanted to hurt you." I told him as tears filled my eyes. "I –" I started before being hit across the face. "Max." I glared at him.

"Pen." He frowned. "How very disappointing. I wouldn't have thought you were one of them." I believe him. I can't tell if the news makes him happy or sad. "Eric, take them to Jeanine." He commanded.

Eric nodded, motioning to the other Dauntless, who quickly grabbed us, shoving us forward. Unable to take my eyes off of Eric, I attempted to concentrate on my breathing. Blood was still spilling from both the front and back of my wound. I was happy that it was through and through but I had not anticipated the constant pain every time I breathed or moved. The gun barrel pressed into my kidney was hardly noticeable from the pain that kept moving through my side. We were led through the front doors of Abnegation headquarters, a plain gray building, two stories high.

We're pushed toward a door guarded by two Dauntless soldiers. Four, Tris, and I walk through and enter a plain office that contains just a desk, a computer, and two empty chairs. Jeanine sits behind the desk, a phone against her ear.

"Well, send some of them back on the train, then," She speaks into the phone. "It needs to be well guarded, it's the most important part—I'm not talk—I have to go." She snaps the phone shut and focuses her gray eyes on Tris.

"Divergent Rebels." One of the Dauntless told her. He must be a Dauntless leader—or maybe a recruit who was removed from the simulation.

"Yes, I can see that." She stated, taking her glasses off, folding them, and setting them on the desk.

"You," she said, pointing at Tris, "I expected. All the trouble with your aptitude test results made me suspicious from the beginning. But you…" She shakes her head as she shifts her eyes to Tobias. "You, Tobias—or should I call you Four?—managed to elude me," she says quietly. "Everything about you checked out: test results, initiation simulations, everything. But here you are nonetheless." She folded her hands and sets her chin on top of them. "Perhaps you could explain to me how that is?"

"You're the genius," he replied coolly. "Why don't you tell me?"

Her mouth curls into a smile. "My theory is that you really do belong in Abnegation. That your Divergence is weaker." I laughed and then her eyes were on me. "Ah, yes. Penelope Farrier – Pen – you as well are a surprise. Your aptitude screamed Dauntless, as well as your simulations, only now you stand before me as Divergent as the rest." She smiles wider. Like she's amused.

"Your powers of deductive reasoning are stunning," spit Four. "Consider me awed."

I laughed again, nodding as I grinned at her. "I too am quite impressed. Thank god the Dauntless traitors have someone like you to lead them."

"Now that your intelligence has been verified, you might want to get on with killing us." Four closed his eyes. "You have a lot of Abnegation leaders to murder, after all."

Watching Jeanine, she doesn't seem to be bothered by what we've said. She kept smiling and stood smoothly. She's wearing a blue dress that hugs her body from shoulder to knee, revealing a layer of pudge around her middle. For some reason that makes me smile. She's not as perfect as she'd like to think she is.

"Don't be silly. There is no rush." She replied. "You three are here for an extremely important purpose. You see, it perplexed me that the Divergent were immune to the serum that I developed, so I have been working to remedy that. I thought I might have, with the last batch, but as you know, I was wrong. Luckily I have another batch to test."

"Why bother?" Tris asked, getting a smirk from Jeanine.

"I have had a question since I began the Dauntless project, and it is this." She sidestepped her desk, skimming the surface with her finger. "Why are most of the Divergent weak-willed, God-fearing nobodies from Abnegation, of all factions?"

"Weak-willed." Four scoffed. "It requires a strong will to manipulate a simulation, last time I checked. Weak-willed is mind-controlling an army because it's too hard for you to train one yourself."

"Well put, brother." I smirked at him. Then I turned to her, "And I'm from Amity."

"I am not a fool." Jeanine stated. "A faction of intellectuals is no army. We are tired of being dominated by a bunch of self-righteous idiots who reject wealth and advancement, but we couldn't do this on our own. And your Dauntless leaders were all too happy to oblige me if I guaranteed them a place in our new, improved government."

"Improved." Four said, snorting.

"Yes, improved." She repeated. "Improved, and working toward a world in which people will live in wealth, comfort, and prosperity."

"At whose expense?" Tris asked, her voice thick and sluggish. She's looks worse off than me. "All that wealth…doesn't come from nowhere."

"Currently, the factionless are a drain on our resources." Jeanine replied. "As is Abnegation. I am sure that once the remains of your old faction are absorbed into the Dauntless army, Candor will cooperate and we will finally be able to get on with things."

"You're out of your fucking mind." I shot at her. "You can't kill all those people if they don't follow you. Or control them. You don't have the right."

"The right?" She smiled at me. "I have far more right than you do."

"Get on with things." Four repeated bitterly. He raises his voice. "Make no mistake. You will be dead before the day is out, you—"

"Perhaps if you could control your temper," Jeanine said, her words cutting cleanly across Tobias's, "you would not be in this situation to begin with, Tobias."

"I'm in this situation because you put me here." He snapped. "The second you orchestrated an attack against innocent people."

"Innocent people." Jeanine laughed. "I find that a little funny, coming from you. I would expect Marcus's son to understand that not all those people are innocent." She perched on the edge of the desk, her skirt pulling away from her knees, which are crossed with stretch marks. Another imperfection. "Can you tell me honestly that you wouldn't be happy to discover that your father was killed in the attack?"

"No." Four replied through gritted teeth. "But at least his evil didn't involve the widespread manipulation of an entire faction and the systematic murder of every political leader we have."

For a long moment they stared at each other. It was like a standoff and neither of them wanted to blink first. Four was ruthless but I had a feeling that Jeanine was even more so. My eyes moved toward Eric who was staring at Jeanine, his brows furrowed to the point where they were becoming one. I opened my mouth to talk to him when Jeanine started speaking again.

"What I was going to say," she says, "is that soon, dozens of the Abnegation and their young children will be my responsibility to keep in order, and it does not bode well for me that a large number of them may be Divergent like yourselves, incapable of being controlled by the simulations. Therefore, it was necessary that I develop a new form of simulation to which they are not immune. I have been forced to reassess my own assumptions. That is where you come in." She paces a few steps to the right. "You are correct to say that you are strong-willed. I cannot control your will. But there are a few things I can control."

She stopped and turned to face us. Blood was still running through my fingers as I attempted to stand tall. It still throbbed but it was nothing I couldn't handle. And I wasn't about to show her any weakness. Not if I could help it. The worst part was how calm she was. She wasn't feeling anything that we were. She didn't care. All she cared about was her serums and controlling everyone around her. She wanted all the power she could get and was going to use us or kill us in order to get it. Destroy any faction that even considered standing against her. Abnegation wouldn't follow and they were destroyed. She needed an army so she infiltrated Dauntless. She knew she would need to control large groups of people in order to stay secure, so she developed a way to do it with serums and transmitters. Divergence is just another problem for her to solve, and that is what made her so terrifying— she is smart enough to solve the problems of her world, even the problem of our existence.

"I can control what you see and hear." She stated. "So I created a new serum that will adjust your surroundings to manipulate your will. Those who refuse to accept our leadership must be closely monitored." She paused and looked at Four. "You will be the first test subject, Tobias. Beatrice and Penelope, however…" She smiled. "You are too injured to be of much use to me, so your execution will occur at the conclusion of this meeting."

Scoffing, nodding, I already knew that I wasn't going to live through this. I guess somewhere deep down I thought Eric might say something. But I now feared that he was too shocked or too pissed to care about what happened to me. Only then he turned his head and looked at me. The fear in his eyes told me that even if he was angry, he still loved me. He told me he did and I saw it in his eyes right now.

"I'm sorry." I told him more air then sound.

"Yes. Eric. I almost forgot you were standing there." Jeanine said stepping closer to us. "She is the woman you've been seeing is she not?"

"Yes." He replied.

"And how are you dealing with the shock?" She asked.

"I don't think I am." He told her.

Still looking at him, all my cockiness disappeared and all I wanted to do was to hold him and tell him how sorry I was. How I never meant to hurt him. How he meant everything to me and all I needed was him.

"She's a Divergent Rebel."

"I know." He replied. "It makes me sick." He spat toward me.

"Would you kill her if I asked you to?"

"What?" He frowned, swiftly meeting her eyes. Fear entered his voice even though he tried to hide it.

"Where is that even coming from?" I asked knowing that he wouldn't. He wouldn't shoot me. Not even for her.

"She's a traitor. If I asked you to shoot her, would you?"

"No." He frowned.

"No?" She asked raising her brows.

"I can't. I won't." He stated. Both Four and Tis looked at him. The struggle was clear on his face.

"It's a simple order. You've already killed several Divergent. How is she any different?"

For a long moment he just looked at her. "I care about her. It's too soon."

"Cared." She stated.

"What?" He frowned harder.

"Cared for her. Past tense. She's going to die either way." She told him nonchalantly.

Feeling the sting of tears, I dipped my chin, nodding before lifting my eyes to meet Eric's. "It's okay." I told him. He clenched his jaw and remained silent.

"You'll do what you must." He told Jeanine. His voice strong and yet underneath I knew he was struggling.

"You son of a bitch." Four shot at him. "She's going to kill her, Eric. Tris as well. And you're just going to stand there and let her?"

"He knows his place." Jeanine smiled with confidence.

"You don't know shit about him." I shot at her, my head jerking toward her, anger boiling.

"I've known him a lot longer than you." She stated.

"It doesn't matter." I stated.

"You're going to die, you realize that don't you?"

"It doesn't matter." I repeated.

"And how do you feel about that, Eric?" She asked.

"Stop asking him shit like that!" I yelled at her.

"Stop." He told me. "Just stop."

"No." I shot back at him. "She does not get to twist the knife now that it's in your back."

"The knife that you put there!" He yelled.

Breathing hard, I wanted to cry, "I wanted to tell you, Eric. Every day."

"Then why didn't you? And save me the pain of realizing that I've been sleeping with the enemy."

"I'm not the enemy, Eric. _She_ is. You must see that." He just looked at me with a deep-set frown. "Come with me." I whispered. "Let's shoot our way out and disappear." Something flickered in his eyes and I realized he'd already thought of that. He'd considered it.

"Did you know that he attempted to keep you simulation free?" Jeanine grinned as if she'd won something. "He fought hard for you to remain at his side and remain awake for today's events. He said you could be trusted." She looked pleased when pain crossed my face. "But I knew it was a bad idea. Though it would have saved you."

Looking at Eric, he was staring straight ahead, attempting not to show anything. "Thank you." I told him, giving him a small smile when he slowly turned his head and met my eyes. "Thank you for trying."

Keeping his eyes, I adored him just as much now as I did last night when I fell asleep in his arms. I loved him. I loved him more than anything and it didn't matter if he was rejecting me now. He couldn't save me even if he wanted to. He'd already tried. Knowing that he tried meant more to me than anyone could imagine. Eric, the evil Eric that everyone loathed, had attempted to barter for my life. That was everything. He was a changed man. Even if I did die today, I'd be happy knowing that I'd earned his love. His respect. That I'd made him a better man, despite what he was doing now. Jeanine had more power over him than I realized. But I could see the struggle. He'd be with me if he could. He loved me.

"It's okay." I told him again.

"Eric." Jeanine said attempting to get his attention.

He was still staring into my eyes, "I understand, Eric." I told him softly. "You did what you could. Now you will do what you must to survive. You need to survive."

"Eric." Jeanine said again.

"You'll be okay without me." I smiled. "You can be a good man. A better man."

"Eric!" She yelled, making him look at her. "Say goodbye." I watched as his face grew paler, if that were possible, his mouth falling open. Jeanine nodded at a guard.

"No." Four said lunging before two guards had him by the arms. "Opie."

A soldier stepped forward, pressing the barrel of his gun against my forehead.

"Jeanine." Eric said turning toward the soldier, gripping his arm.

"Hold him." Jeanine told two others. They stepped forward and pulled his arms behind his back. "He needs to see this. After, there will be nothing holding him back."

"Pen." He said, fighting against them. "Pen." My name had never been filled with such pain. "Jeanine." He said looking at her.

"Do it." She told them.

Eric met my eyes, "Pen."

"It's okay." I told him breathlessly, still smiling.

All the while I was still looking at Eric. He struggled against the soldiers, their grip tightening against him until all he could do was stare at me, shaking, knowing what was about to happen. This would destroy him. He would be nothing after this. An empty shell that would do her bidding blindly because she'd taken the one thing he'd ever truly cared about. Smiling at him as reassuringly as I could muster, I waited for the bang. Waited for everything to fall away. But it didn't.

"See?" Jeanine smiled proudly. "It's obvious that he cares for her and yet still will not stop her from being executed."

"That doesn't prove anything." I stated, even though her saying it stung. I knew he didn't want me to die, but he hadn't done as much as he could have. "That doesn't prove anything."

"Doesn't it?" She smiled with furrowed brows. "It tells me that he's more loyal to me than he is to you."

Laughing, my side seared with the movement, but I didn't care. "You think you've won something. That you've proven him loyal when he obeys because you've beaten him into submission. It's survival 101. Not loyalty. And I'd rather he let me die than get both of us killed."

"Ever the martyr." She grinned.

"You know shit about me." I shot at her, shaking my head. "You know shit about him and the relationship that we have."

"Had." She stated.

Laughing again, I took a step toward her, "If you think this is over than you really have no idea what we're capable of. But trust me when I say that you're going to find out."

"Is that a threat?" She smiled. "I'm not afraid of your threats, Penelope. They hold no weight."

"We'll see, Jeanine. We'll see."

She just smiled at me, moving back around the desk. Without warning, Four pulled away from the soldiers, taking Tris' face in his hands and roughly kissed her. Then he released her and she leaned against the wall for support. With no more warning than the tightening of his muscles, Four lunged across the desk and wrapped his hands around Jeanine's throat. The Dauntless guards by the door leapt at him, their guns held ready, and Tris screamed.

My arm was grabbed and I was spun round, slamming into Eric's chest. His hand moved to my side, taking it back to see my blood covering it. Taking his head in my hands, I moved to kiss him only to be pulled away from him. Now I was screaming as well, attempting to hold on to him. He gripped my arms, smearing my blood down it as I was forcefully pulled away from him. I needed him. More than that, he needed me.

Finding myself on my knees next to Four, who's pinned to the ground, a guard's knee on his shoulder and his hands on his head, pressing his face to the carpet. Eric was telling them to stop while Tris attempted to help her boyfriend, but she was grabbed and thrown against the wall. She was weak from blood loss and is just too small to be of use right now.

Jeanine stood bracing herself against the desk, spluttering and gasping. She rubbed her throat, which is bright red with Four's fingerprints. There are tears in her eyes as she takes a box from her desk drawer and opens it, revealing a needle and syringe.

"What is that?" I asked her, unable to hide the panic in my voice as she carried it toward Four. "Jeanine, what is that?" I asked louder. "Four." I said meeting his eyes, struggling against those who held me. "Jeanine, please. Leave him alone." The guard holding me hit me hard across the cheek before digging their thumb into my side wound. I screamed in pain, and out of the corner of my eye, I see Eric once again restrained. Then I watch the guard holding Four hit him, holding his head down so Jeanine could stick the needle into his neck. He went limp. "No!" I screamed before I'm pushed to my stomach. "Four." I called to him but he wouldn't meet my eyes. "Tobias!"

"Let him up." Jeanine commanded, her voice scratchy.

The guard got up, and so did Four. He doesn't look like the sleepwalking Dauntless soldiers; his eyes are alert. He looks around for a few seconds as if confused by what he sees.

"Tobias." Tris cried. "Tobias!"

"He doesn't know you." Jeanine told her.

"Tobias!" I called to him as I was yanked back onto my feet. "Look at me!"

He didn't. Instead, he looked over his shoulder at Tris. His eyes narrowed and he started toward her, fast. Before the guards could stop him, he closed his hand around her throat, squeezing it with his fingertips. Her face went red.

"Stop this." I called struggling. "Stop! Four! _Please!_ "

"The simulation manipulates him." Jeanine said. "By altering what he sees—making him confuse enemy with friend."

A guard pulled Four off of her. She gasped, drawing a rattling breath into her lungs. "Tris!" I said pulling free and rushed to her, supporting her. "Tris." I could see the pain in her eyes as she kept them on Four.

"The advantage to this version of the simulation," she said, her eyes alight, "is that he can act independently, and is therefore far more effective than a mindless soldier." She looked at the guards who were holding Four back. He struggled against them, his muscles taut, his eyes focused on Tris, but he didn't see her, not like he used to. "Send him to the control room. We'll want a sentient being there to monitor things and, as I understand it, he used to work there."

Jeanine pressed her palms together in front of her. "And take them to room B13."

"What's in room B13?" I asked her.

She flaps her hand to dismiss us. That flapping hand just commanded our execution, but to her it was just crossing off an item from a list of tasks, the only logical progression of the particular path that she is on. She surveyed us without feeling as four Dauntless soldiers pull us out of the room. As I passed Eric, I gripped his shirt, screaming as the soldiers who held me wrenched me away from him. He was still being held but he fought against them, trying to free his arm. All I wanted was one more touch. I just wanted to kiss him once more before I died.

Before I'm out of sight, I met Eric's eyes, two soldiers holding him back. "Pen." He called. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too. But I forgive you." I told him, tears running.

"Don't. I'm not asking you to."

"I forgive you." I repeated.

"Pen. Please." He said with a glistening in his eyes, still attempting to break free. "Let me go! Pen!"

"I forgive you, Eric. I –" Then I'm being dragged down the hallway, struggling and screaming, blood trailing behind me from my still active wound. It's bleeding now more than ever as I struggled and thrashed around, my adrenaline pumping. "Eric!" I yelled, hearing him call my name in response before hearing him yell. I watched as Tris struggled as well, biting a hand that held her only to be hit, falling unconscious between them. Fear was starting to win. I needed Eric. I needed the man I loved. "ERIC!"


	23. Fight

Sitting in the corner next to Tris, the blue bulb above me flickered. Even when it was on it was dim, barely giving off enough light to see by. It was starting to drive me crazy. The room we're in is small, with concrete walls and no windows. Only we're sitting in a glass tank within said room. The floor of it smooth and cold. There is a small video camera attached to the wall next to us. Having tended to Tris as best I could, her head was still bleeding but at least not as bad. Shifting, I cringed, my own wounds still bleeding as well. Touching my side, I felt out the hole in the front of back of me. Sticking my finger into the hole, it easily slipped in to the first knuckle.

"That is so wrong." I whispered to myself.

Forcing myself to leave them alone, I wrapped my arms around my bent knees, my eyes once again moving to the small opening at Tris's feet. There's a tube connected to it and in the corner of the room is a huge tank. I'd already deduced what was going to happen to us. Something I was not looking forward to. Looking at my reflection in the glass across from us, it's shadowed but still noticeable. We look like crap. Our men are out there doing Jeanine's bidding and we're going to drown in a fucking tank.

Feeling a shudder next to me, I looked at Tris, seeing her awake. She's already discovered the blood on her head, and quickly realized where we are and what it meant. "It's okay." I told her, putting my arm around her. She practically melted into my side, fear taking her over. "I know. But it's okay."

She got to her feet, and I slowly followed, both of us seeing the pools of blood we'd left behind. I was officially weak and nauseous with blood loss. The way she was holding her arm told me she wasn't feeling quite right either. She looked at me before pressing her forehead to the glass, laughing at first before it turned into a sob. Gripping her good shoulder, I turned her into me. She wrapped her arm around me, crying into mine.

"I know, Tris." I told her softly. I'd already shed all the tears I was willing to, knowing we were being watched. "I know, sweetie."

"We're going to die in here." She stated pulling away from me.

"Probably." I nodded, smirking at her.

She laughed lightly, only in the next second she's screaming, slamming her heel into the wall behind her. It bounces off so she tried again, clearly causing herself pain. She kicked it again and again and again, then she threw her left shoulder into it, the impact making the wound in her right pain and she yelled out.

"It's no use." I told her.

"Have you tried?" She shot at me.

"No. But if we are going to stand any chance than we can't use up all our energy on trying to break out. We need to find another way." I replied.

"I'm afraid of drowning." She told me as if that were a big secret.

"So am I." I nodded at her. "So much so that if I don't remain calm you'll be stuck in here with a crazy person."

"Is it your worst fear?" She asked.

"No." I stated as water started to trickle in at the bottom of the tank. "My worst fear is Eric dying. Something I don't want to experience outside of a simulation."

We both were staring at the water when she met my eyes. "I don't think you're going to have to. It'll be the opposite."

"Me dying is his worst fear." I told her.

"How do you know?" She frowned.

"Because he took me into his fear landscape and showed me." I replied and started to look for a way out, even though I knew there wasn't one.

"He let you in." She stated with a sense of awe in her voice.

"In every way possible." I replied.

The moment of awe was over, "Gross."

Shooting her a glare, she just shrugged. Sighing, we both looked at the camera. Someone was watching us. Studying us.

"They want to know what we'll do." Tris stated.

"I am aware." I replied still looking around the tank in hopes of something sparking a plan in my head.

"I'm not a coward." Tris whispered from next to me. "I am not a coward."

She stared at the camera, focusing on her breathing. I wished I could do the same. But as much as I wanted to try and calm myself down, there was no doubt in my mind that we were going to die in this tank. The water is already at our ankles, then our calves, then our thighs. Both of us have our arms at our sides, the water reaching our fingertips. Taking deep breaths, I take them in and let them out slowly. Tris is still staring at the camera while I can't help but stare at my reflection. Trying to make myself look brave in the face of death. But I was failing.

"I'm sorry, Eric." I whispered to myself, shutting my eyes and bringing his smiling face forward in my mind. "I'm so sorry."

As the water reached my side, the water was cool and comforting, giving me the first moment of relief since it happened. Opening my eyes, I saw Tris watching me, giving me a look of sympathy I never thought she would. I returned it, nodding at her, knowing she was feeling the same way.

Our bodies rose with the water. Keeping my head above it, I watched as Tris sunk to the bottom. "Tris!" I yelled, feeling a sense of panic. "Tris!" Bubbles appeared at the surface.

Diving under the water, I reached for her. But instead of her letting me pull her up, she held me down, making panic start to set in. Struggling against her, she took my head in her hands, making me look at her. She looked calm. She looked like she was at peace with our death. Only I wasn't as calm. Eric filled my mind and all I wanted was him.

Only then she turned to the glass, forcing me to as well. A dark figure is standing in front of us. For a moment I thought it was him. He'd come to save me. But then I realize it's a woman who's looking at us. My lungs were burning, demanding that I take a breath. I wasn't going to make it much longer. Then there was a bang, and the glass cracked. Calming as I realized we were being rescued. Not by Eric, but rescued nonetheless. Water sprayed out a hole near the top of the tank, and the pane cracks in half. Then it stopped. Putting my fist in my hand, I slammed my elbow into it. Once. Twice. After the third, there was an audible crack.

Tris and I turned away as the glass shattered, the force of the water throwing our bodies to the ground. Gasping, coughing water up from my lungs, gasping and coughing again. Then I see a woman grab Tris's arms. She has dark hair, pale green eyes, and Tris shares a striking resemblance to her.

"Beatrice." She said with urgency. Even her voice is like Tris's. "Beatrice, we have to run."

"Who are you?" I asked as I got to my feet, my hand once again on my wounded side. Though I thought I already knew.

"We don't have time." She told me. "Come on." Putting her hand on my shoulder, we started to move.

She's holding a gun, looking quite familiar with it, a determined look in her eyes. Taking a deep breath, I kept an eye behind us while she kept her eyes ahead. Going through the door, Dauntless guards lay dead next to it. Slipping and sliding on the tile as we walked, I felt like I could fall over, gripping Tris around the waist as she lurched to the side.

"I can do it." She told me.

"Stop." I replied. "You need help. Just let me."

Turning round the corner, the woman fired at the two guards standing by the door at the end. The bullets hit them both in the head, and they slump to the floor. Pushing us against the wall, she took off the grey jacket she was wearing. She's wearing a sleeveless shirt, and when she lifts her arm you can see the corner of a tattoo under her armpit.

"Mom." Tris said her voice strained. "You were Dauntless."

I couldn't help the smile that crossed my face, "Awesome."

"Yes." She smiled at her daughter. She quickly made her jacket into a sling for Tris's arm, tying the sleeves around her neck. "And it has served me well today. Your father and Caleb and some others are hiding in a basement at the intersection of North and Fairfield. We have to go get them."

Tris is staring at her as if she had never seen this woman before. I'm sure she sees her mother as the woman who raised her. The woman who made breakfast, and cut her hair, and held her when she was sick. For sixteen years she knew her mother and yet was now realizing that she may not have known her as well as she thought she did.

"There will be time for questions." She said looking at her daughter. Lifting her shirt, she slipped a gun from under her waistband, offering it to Tris. Then she touched her cheek. "Now we must go."

Bending down, I grabbed the gun from the dead Dauntless before running after them as they moved down the hallway.

We're in the basement of Abnegation headquarters. It seemed her mom knew where she was going, running without worry down dark hallways, up a dank staircase, and into daylight without interference. She knew it well.

"How did you know to find me?" Tris asked.

"I've been watching the trains since the attacks started." She replied, glancing over her shoulder. "I didn't know what I would do when I found you. But it was always my intention to save you."

"But I betrayed you. I left you." Tris replied.

"You're my daughter. I don't care about the factions." She said shaking her head. "Look where they got us. Human beings as a whole cannot be good for long before the bad creeps back in and poisons us again."

"Can we do this later?" I asked as we stopped where the alley intersected with the road.

"Mom, this is Pen."

"Nice to meet you." She smiled at me.

"You too." I nodded. "Thank you for saving us."

"Of course." She told me as if it had never been a question. "Where did you transfer from?"

"Amity." I told her.

"Who are your parents?" She asked.

"Patrick and Lilian Farrier." I replied. She smiled and nodded at me.

"Mom, how do you know about Divergence?" Tris asked. "What is it? Why…"

She pushed the bullet chamber open and peered inside. Seeing how many bullets she had left. Taking some out of her pocket, she reloaded. "I know about them because I am one." She replied, shoving a bullet in place. "I was only safe because my mother was a Dauntless leader. On Choosing Day, she told me to leave my faction and find a safer one. I chose Abnegation." She put an extra bullet in her pocket and stood up straighter. "But I wanted you to make the choice on your own."

"I don't understand why we're such a threat to the leaders."

"Every faction conditions its members to think and act a certain way. And most people do it. For most people, it's not hard to learn, to find a pattern of thought that works and stay that way." She touched Tris's uninjured shoulder and smiles. "But our minds move in a dozen different directions. We can't be confined to one way of thinking, and that terrifies our leaders. It means we can't be controlled. And it means that no matter what they do, we will always cause trouble for them."

"It's nice to know one of us has lived so long." I smiled at her, feeling less alone.

She just smiled at me. But then she grew serious. "Here they come." She said, looking around the corner. Moving just far enough to see over her shoulder, Tris and I took in a few Dauntless with guns, moving to the same beat, heading toward us. Looking back the way we'd come, another group of Dauntless run down the alley toward us, moving in time with one another.

Keeping my eyes on the approaching Dauntless, Tris's mom grabbed her hands and looked her in the eye. "Go to your father and brother." She told her before grabbing my wrist. "Listen to what I'm saying." I nodded at her. "The alley on the right, down to the basement. Knock twice, then three times, then six times." She cupped Tris's cheeks in her hands. "I'm going to distract them. You have to run as fast as you can." She said before meeting my eyes. "Both of you."

"Promise." I told her.

"No." Tris said shaking her head. "I'm not going anywhere without you."

She smiled. "Be brave, Beatrice. I love you."

"I'll keep her safe." I told her, nodding.

She smiled at me, putting her hand against my cheek, making me miss my mother terribly. "Thank you."

She placed a kiss against Tris's forehead and then turned and ran into the middle of the street. Holding her gun above her head, she fired three times into the air. The Dauntless start running.

Gripping Tris's wrist, we sprinted across the street and into the alley. Feeling myself practically dragging her, looking over my shoulder, she's doing the same. Her eyes are locked on her mother. She fired into the crowd of guards, and they are too focused on her to notice us. When they started to return fire, I felt Tris pull on my hand, being jerked to a halt as she stopped. Gripping her arms, I looked at her mother.

We watched as she stiffened, her back arching. Blood surged from a wound in her abdomen, dyeing her shirt crimson. A patch of blood spreads over her shoulder. Feeling Tris shaking beneath my hands, I pulled her against me. Her mother fell to her knees, her hands limp at her sides. Then she fell to the pavement, slumping to the side like a rag doll. She's dead.

"We have to move." I whispered to her. "Tris. Please."

She clamped her hand over her mouth, screaming into her palm. There was no time for this. Tears are streaming down her face, and for a moment she struggled against me, wanting to be with her. Then the Dauntless turned as if moved by the same mind.

"It's time to be brave, Tris." I told her softly.

Then we were running. Bravery winning out above everything else that has happened.

Three Dauntless soldiers follow us. They run in unison, their steps echoing in the alley. One lets off a shot, making me crouch but still scrambled forward. Tris dove, scraping her palms against the ground. The bullet hit to the right, making brick spray everywhere. Gripping her, we rounded the corner and we both click a bullet into the chamber of our guns.

"Are you ready for this?" I asked her.

"I'll do what I have to." She told me.

Nodding, I took a deep breath, readying myself for whatever was going to happen next. They had killed her mother. I wasn't questioning her ability to do what she had to. She pointed her gun around the corner and fired blindly. We both knew it wasn't really them, but it didn't matter. It was still going to be them or us. If we didn't act then they would and they'd do it without realizing it. Erudite had turned innocent people into murderers.

She had stopped firing and we listened, hearing only one set of footsteps now. Looking at each other, we nodded, stepping to the end of the alley. Both our guns are raised and ready for the soldier to come into view. The solider appeared, running toward us, only when he got closer I felt myself falter at the shaggy-haired boy with a crease between his eyebrows.

"Will?" I said looking at him. "Jesus."

It is Will. Dull-eyed and mindless, but still Will. He stopped running and mirrored us, his feet planted and his gun up. He's ready to shoot. He doesn't know what he's doing and he can't help himself. But thinking of having to shoot him turned my stomach. I wasn't sure I could. Trying to think of a way out, hitting him in his shoulder, maybe his leg, it might buy us enough time to escape him.

Only before I can think of a better way, a gun fired. I watched as a bullet hit Will in the head. He crumpled to the ground. Shock set in and I looked at Tris. She was already turning and stumbling away from the alley.

"What did you do?" I shot at her as I followed. There was nothing I could do for Will. He was gone. She didn't say anything, she just kept moving. "There could have been another way."

"What way?" She shot back at me.

"Shoot his hand, his leg, his shoulder." I replied. "Not the head."

She looked up at the street sign, but I can see that the shock of what she did is starting to settle on her as well. We were close to her family. Just a few yards now. Hating her and yet not able to leave her, I watched as she knelt next to the door, pressing her forehead against the wall and screamed. After a few seconds she clamped her hand over her mouth to muffle the sound and screamed again. Only then she started to sob. Her gun clattered to the ground.

"I killed him." She sobbed.

Suddenly feeling guilty, I dropped to my knees at her side, pulling her against me. "I know."

"I killed Will."

"I know. But we can't dwell on that right now. We gotta go." I told her. "Come on, get up."

Getting her up, we moved to the door. Supporting Tris against my side, I pounded on the door – twice, then three times, then six times, as her mother had told us. Wiping the tears from her face, she prepared herself to face her family, knowing that her mother had saved her and died for her.

"Be brave." I whispered. "You didn't have a choice. Nothing that has happened today is your fault."

"You were just blaming me for Will's death."

"I know." I nodded more air than sound. "And I'm sorry. I didn't have the strength to do what you did." I told her, meeting her eyes. "Anyone else, maybe. But it was Will. Even if I didn't know him well, I couldn't shoot him. But you could."

She offered a small smile. Returning it, we looked at the door as it opened. A boy stands in front of us, dark-haired, greed eyed, with dimpled cheeks. He was Tris's brother, without a doubt. He stared at his sister before he threw his arms around her. I frowned as I watched him press against her shoulder wound. She groaned and he quickly let her go.

"Beatrice. Oh God, are you shot?" He asked.

"Let's go inside." She replied weakly.

"Who's this?" He asked.

Gripping his shoulder, I pushed him back, once again supporting Tris as we stepped inside, the door fell shut behind us. "Questions better saved for later."

The room is dimly lit, but filled with people. I assumed Tris knew some if not all of them. These had been her people for sixteen years and she hadn't been gone very long. She picked a hell of a time to transfer to Dauntless. But her eyes fall on one man who's in the center of the room. He has the same dark hair and hooked nose as his son. Tris's father. He's staring at her like he'd never seen her before.

"How did you know about this place?" Her brother asked. "Did Mom find you?"

Tris nodded and for a moment I thought she was going to explain to her family what had happened, but all she says is, "My shoulder."

Looking at her, she's clearly feeling the effects of the gunshot. She's clearly in pain. Holding her tightly as she started to fall to her knees, I followed her down, my adrenaline still pumping while all these Abnegation stare at us. Water is still dripping from our clothes, able to hear the sound of it hitting the concrete floor. She looks like she's going to sob again, but managed to hold it back.

A woman rolled out a pallet while another carried a lamp from one corner to the other so we'll have light. Tris's brother brought out a first-aid kit, and a young woman brought us a bottle of water. Letting Tris drink her fill, I finished it off, thanking her. The one good thing about being in a room with Abnegation is that they would be more than willing to help us.

Her father reached for her but I swiftly jerked us both to our feet, nodding at him. "I've got her."

"Who are you?" Her brother asked.

"Who are you?" I countered with venom. I didn't trust anyone. Not after today.

He frowned at me, "I'm her brother. Caleb."

"Pen." I replied.

"How are you awake?" Her father asked.

Looking at him, I smiled, "I think you already know the answer to that question."

He smiled and nodded. "Are you injured?"

"Yes." I said as we slowly moved forward.

"Why are you wet?" Caleb asked.

"They tried to drown us." Tris answered. "Why are you here?"

"Where is he supposed to be?" I frowned.

"Erudite." Tris replied. In a second I had my gun aimed at him, a bullet in the chamber. Everyone gasped, a few even screamed, and Caleb cried. "Don't." Tris told me. "Please, Pen."

Knowing she had already lost her mother, I didn't want to be the cause of her brother's death. Lowering the gun, I put the safety on, once against helping Tris forward. Her father attempted to help again but I shot him a look that made him refrain.

"I did what you said—what Mom said." Caleb explained after he got himself under control again. "I researched the simulation serum and found out that Jeanine was working to develop long-range transmitters for the serum so its signal could stretch farther, which led me to information about Erudite and Dauntless…anyway, I dropped out of initiation when I figured out what was happening. I would have warned you, but it was too late." He explained. "I'm factionless now."

"No, you aren't." Their father told him sternly. "You're with us."

Helping Tris kneel on the pallet, Caleb cut a piece of her shirt away from her shoulder with a pair of medical scissors. Staying at her side, I watched him peel the fabric away, revealing her Abnegation tattoo and then the three birds on her collarbone. Her family looks shocked that she's already tattooed herself. Tucking hair behind her ear, I laid on my stomach as she did the same, keeping her eyes as I took her hand.

"You're gonna be okay." I told her. "This is no big deal." Out of the corner of my eye I see her father pull the antiseptic from the first aid kit. "But it's going to hurt." I smiled at her. She gave a light laugh. "But it won't hurt nearly as much as what Peter did to you. You are strong, Tris. You can do this."

"Thank you." She told me.

This was the closest moment we'd ever had and I felt like it would be the only one we'd ever have. Surprised when I wished that it wasn't. We both didn't care much for the other and yet – in a time of need – we'd ban together for support. Faction before blood. It was our faction's words and yet it was Eric's voice in my head. Only in this moment I believed it with all of me. He was my faction. Tris was my faction. Faction before blood.

"Have you ever taken a bullet out of someone before?" She asked her father, a shaky laugh in her voice.

"The things I know how to do might surprise you." He replied. She bit her lip. "This will hurt." He asked.

"You can do this." I told her gently. "Just look at me."

She did, staring into my eyes. Her father brought a knife to the wound, Tris screaming through gritted teeth as he pushed it into her. Her hand is a vice around mine, but that's okay. I can handle pain. Her father told her to relax her back. Tears are running from the corner of her eyes, my own filling mine as she looked at me. Smiling, I put my free hand against her hair, nodding reassuringly. She relaxed and I can feel her pain and exhaustion. She started screaming again as the knife once again started to move under her skin.

Just when I thought she was going to pass out, he said he got it, dropping the bullet to the floor with a ding. "Good job." I smiled at Tris. "You did so good. It's over. It's out." Caleb started to laugh, making me smile up at him.

"What's so funny?" Tris asked, sniffling.

"I never thought I would see us together again." He replied.

Her father cleaned the skin around the wound with something cold. "Stitching time." He told her. She nodded, watching as he thread the needle like he'd done it a thousand times.

"This will be easy after the last part." I smiled at her.

"I'm glad you're here." She whispered.

Smiling, I once again tucked her hair behind her ear, "Me too."

"One," her father started, "two…three."

Tris clenched her jaw but stayed quiet, the rest of her pain worse than this. After everything that had happened in the span of one day, this was cake. Her father finished stitching, tied off the thread, and covered it with a bandage. Helping her sit up, Caleb took off the long-sleeved shirt from over his t-shirt and offered it to her. Helping her into it, I can feel all their eyes on us. It's baggy but smelled fresh. As the scent hit her nose I can see her taking it in. It smells like her brother. Like home.

Part of me wanted to feel what she was feeling. But more than that, I wanted to smell Eric. He may have not been able to save me, but I was alive. He needed me now more than ever. And I needed him more than I'd ever needed anything. Seeing Tris smelling that shirt made me want him so badly. To take him in my arms and breathe him in, smelling the cologne he'd started to wear more often since we'd been together.

Where was he? What was happening to him?

Staring at nothing, I brought my hand to my wounded side, pressing just hard enough for pain to start to pulse, using it to try not to let my emotions show. This wasn't over. I silently vowed to stay strong until the moment I was returned to his arms. I'd stay strong for him whether he was with me or not.

"So." Her father said quietly, bringing me out of my own mind. "Where is your mother?"

Tris looked down. She didn't want to tell them what happened. She shouldn't have had to go through was she did. Putting my arm around her, meeting her eyes, she nodded at me with tears in her eyes.

Clearing my throat, I met her father's eyes. "She's gone. She was shot to death saving our lives."

Caleb closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Her father looked momentarily stricken and then recovered, averting his glistening eyes and nodded. "That's good." He said, sounding strained. "A good death."

Tris nodded. Holding her against my side, she rested her head against me. If I were her I wouldn't be able to keep it together like she was. I'd be a mess right now. It had been a good death. Her mom had been brave. Not everyone can give their life for another. Not like she did. She was the definition of brave. Tris had been brave when she had killed Will. Bravery was in her blood. Now she had to be brave and together we had to save them. Save them from what Jeanine had started.

A man stood, tall and slim, his hair close shaven, and his eyes a familiar dark blue. "Is that who I think it is?" I asked Tris.

"Yes." She replied.

Without warning, I stepped forward, punching him hard across his face, making him fall to one knee. Everyone gasped and Tris's dad gripped my arm. "Let me go." I said meeting his eyes. He nodded and took a step back. Looking at the man I hit, knowing exactly who he was, I pointed my finger at him, "I swear to god, Marcus Eaton, if you do anything out of line I will kill you."

"You just got here." Caleb stated. "We haven't done anything yet."

Marcus got to his feet, glaring at me before addressing the others as if nothing had happened. "The Dauntless are dangerous. We are only safe here for so long. We need to get out of the city. Our best option is to go to the Amity compound in the hope that they'll take us in. Do you know anything about the Dauntless strategy, Beatrice? Will they stop fighting at night?" He asked.

"It's not the Dauntless." I shot at him.

Tris put her hand on my arm. "It's not Dauntless strategy." She told them. "This whole thing is masterminded by the Erudite. And it's not like they're giving orders."

"Not giving orders." Her father frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I mean," she said, "ninety percent of the Dauntless are sleepwalking right now. They're in a simulation and they don't know what they're doing. The only reason I'm not just like them is that I'm…" She said and hesitated. "The mind control doesn't affect me. Us."

"Mind control? So they don't know that they're killing people right now?" Her father asked, his eyes wide.

"No."

"That's…awful." Marcus shook his head. His sympathetic tone sounds manufactured, making me want to hit him again. "Waking up and realizing what you've done…"

The room went quiet; probably as they all imagined themselves in the place of the Dauntless, ever the selfless ones. Already empathizing with them.

"We have to stop it." I said looking at Tris.

"We have to wake them up." She nodded.

Smiling, I nodded with her. "Damn frickin right we do."

"What?" Marcus said.

"If we wake the Dauntless up, they will probably revolt when they realize what's going on." Tris explained.

"You don't mess with Dauntless." I interjected.

"The Erudite won't have an army. The Abnegation will stop dying. This will be over."

"It won't be that simple." Her father stated. "Even without the Dauntless helping them, the Erudite will find another way to—"

"And how are we supposed to wake them up?" Marcus asked almost sounding annoyed.

"We find the computers that control the simulation and destroy the data." Tris told him. "The program. Everything."

"We can't let them get away with this. And we sure as hell can't let them do this again." I added.

"Easier said than done." Caleb said. "It could be anywhere. We can't just appear at the Erudite compound and start poking around."

"It's not at the Erudite compound." I told them. Tris even frowned at me. "Think about it." I told her. "Think about what she said."

"What who said?" Marcus asked.

"Shut up." I shot at him quickly. "You may be Abnegation and welcome amongst your faction, however, you are not welcome with us. If I thought it possible, I'd kill you right now and never think about you again."

"Do you know her?" A woman asked.

"No." Marcus frowned.

"And you don't want to." I stated with venom.

"Pen." Tris said gently.

"He doesn't deserve –"

"I know." She nodded. "I know. But we can't worry about that right now."

"Fine." I said looking at Marcus as I crossed my arms.

"And I get it." Tris told me. Meeting her eyes, I nodded. "It's at Dauntless headquarters. It makes sense. That's where all the data about the Dauntless is stored, so why not control them from there?"

"Exactly." I smiled at her. Then I see something cross her face. "It's home, Tris." She just looked at me. "We're going home."

"What is home?" She whispered. "You're not any more Dauntless than I am."

Pushing her out of earshot, I frowned at her. "What are you talking about?"

"We're not Dauntless, Pen. We're Divergent. We have no home. We're on our own."

Anger started to boil. "I know what I am. What _we_ are. But Dauntless is my home."

"Why?" She asked.

"What?"

"Why is Dauntless home to you?" She asked. Only one thing came to mind. Eric. She seemed to read my mind. "See? It's not about where we call home. It's who. And both of our homes are inside Dauntless."

Nodding, I calmed myself. "Then let's go home."

"Are you sure about this?" Her father asked as we stepped back towards them.

"It's an informed guess." She replied. "And it's the best theory I have."

"It's better than a guess. I'm nearly positive that it's there." I told them.

"Then we'll have to decide who goes and who continues on to Amity." He told her. "What kind of help do you need, Beatrice?"

We all looked at her. She was the one they knew and trusted. And the way he's talking to her is unexpected and new for her. She has become their equal if not their superior. In this she knows more. In this she is a leader. Only I wasn't about to let her lead them alone. I knew Dauntless better than she did. I just became her most valuable ally.

Tris met my eyes and I nodded at her. "Anyone who can and will fire a gun." She told them. "And isn't afraid of heights."

Smiling, I let out a short laugh. "This is going to be fun."

"You should go on with the others to Amity." Tris told me.

"What?" I shot at her. "I don't think so."

"It used to be home."

" _Used_ to be." I replied. "I'm going with you, Tris. I need to go for the same reasons you do."

"You're Amity?" Marcus frowned at me. "I find that hard to believe."

"Why? Because I'm not afraid to hit you and put you in your place?" I shot at him. "What I am is none of your concern and where I call home is none of your damn business."

"What did I do to you?" He frowned harder, his tone becoming angry.

"Me? Nothing. But we have someone in common and I'm pretty sure you don't want me to elaborate on that." I told him. He backed down immediately and lowered his eyes from mine. Turning back to Tris, I met her eyes with determination. "I will go back to Dauntless with you. I am the best shot amongst us and I know it better than you do. I've lived there longer. Do I want to go to Amity? Yes. But we can follow them after we get the people we love. Okay?"

She smiled and nodded at me, "Okay."

"You're hurt." Caleb pointed out.

"I'm fine." I shot at him.

Their father stepped toward me, making me swiftly move from his reach. "I will not hurt you." He said holding up his hands. "Please, let me see."

"Pen, it's okay." Tris nodded.

Sighing, I lifted my shirt as he stepped closer to me. He gently touched both wounds. The bleeding had basically stopped but it was still extremely tender to the touch. I had gotten so used to the pain that I had almost forgotten about it. I was far more concerned about everything else going on around me to worry about myself.

"Caleb." He said and his son quickly handed him a cloth and the antiseptic. "This is going to hurt."

"I'm not afraid of pain." I told him, lifting my shirt further up.

He swiftly set to the task of cleaning the blood from my skin, and pouring a decent amount into the wound. There was a weird feeling as the liquid slowly made its way from one side of my body to the other. It was a through-and-through, and wasn't remotely life-threatening, but hurt like hell. Other than the occasional tensing, I stood without making a sound. Staring off at nothing, I thought about Eric, knowing that I'd have to be strong for him. Thinking of Four, afraid for what they were making him do. Both could be forced to do Jeanine's bidding and she had to be stopped. I needed Eric. Tris needed Four. There was so much at stake that the cleaning of my wound was the least of my worries.

"I didn't know you had this." Tris said with a slight breathlessness, her fingers running across the tattoo that was across my ribcage.

"Yeah, well…" I said and shrugged.

"Be Brave." She whispered, running her fingers across it again.

She met my eyes, a glistening in them, and I knew what she was thinking. "I know." I nodded at her, taking her hand. "I know."

Everyone exchanged a look but no one said anything. As soon as it was cleaned, a thick piece of gauze was put against both wounds and then it was wrapped tightly and tied off. The tightness was nearly uncomfortable but I knew that it was needed. And nothing was going to distract me from what we were going to do. I would not let myself feel the pain of my wound when the people I loved were in danger. For as much as I wanted to get to Eric, and Tris to Four, there were so many others that needed to be saved. I needed to get to Claude and to Henry. There was Tori and Bud. Tris had Christina to worry about. There were so many people that we needed to save from the simulation that, to me, it wasn't a question about what to do next.

Pulling down my shirt, I took a deep breath, meeting Tris's eyes as I smiled, "Alright, let's do this."


	24. Small Victories

Abnegation was still under attack, making it the main focus for Erudite and Dauntless. Our plan was too leave, the road nearly completely open as we moved away from Abnegation. Tris' father, I now knew to be Andrew, had asked Tris what she needed. Who she needed. But she never got to decide. Caleb was Erudite, he would be of value. Marcus had insisted despite Tris' protests and my threats. Her father automatically assumed he would be going as well.

It was a small group, but all we needed, watching as the others ran in the opposite direction before we moved out. They were headed toward Amity. My former home. If that was where we went to join the others, I was okay with that. I'd be able to see my family again. For a moment I thought about going with them. But there was no way in hell I was going to abandon Eric. I couldn't abandon Four, or Tris, or anyone else I cared about. Looking at our little group - despite my wounds - I'd have to be the muscle. Tris was injured in a way that lessened her ability to fight. And the others were just plain inexperienced. I'd be there for them. I was anything but a coward. Knowing Tris wasn't one either, it was just a matter of keeping the others out of our way and making sure they listened to our every word.

"You good?" I asked Tris, checking the clip of my gun.

She nodded, "Are you?"

"Yeah." I nodded as well, slamming the clip back into place. Then I smiled at her, "Let's go."

Leading them all to the tracks, we stood there, waiting for the train. The train that would carry us into danger. Into the war that was unfolding all around us. Taking a deep breathe, I let it out slowly, last night replaying in my mind. Remembering the feeling of Eric's hands on me. His body moving with mine. The touch of his lips. His lips. Shutting my eyes, I brought my finger tips to my mouth, feeling warmth fill me, almost able to feel him.

"What time is it?" Tris asked Caleb, making me start, blinking repeatedly, before I looked at her.

He checked his watch. "Three twelve."

"Should be here any second." She replied.

"Yup." I nodded and sighed, looking in the direction it would be coming from.

"Will it stop?" He asked.

Unable to suppress a laugh, I shook my head, looking at Tris. She just gave me a look. "Sorry." I said softly.

She shook her head at him. "It goes slowly through the city. We'll run next to the car for a few feet and then climb inside."

Taking a deep breath, my muscles were already on fire with anticipation for the train's arrival. I can tell Tris is as well. Jumping onto trains was like second nature now. The others wouldn't have as easy a time, but between the two of us we'd manage. Even though it'd already crossed my mind to leave Marcus behind. Looking at him then at Tris, she sighed, knowing what I was thinking, but shook her head. Four would probably be pissed if we were the cause of his demise. But it didn't stop me from enjoying thinking about it.

Tris and I were both looking over our left shoulders, seeing the headlights burning gold against the gray buildings. She started to bounce on the balls of her feet while I rolled my shoulders, the lights growing larger and larger. Then the front of the train glides past as we both start jogging. We don't even bother to see if everyone else is behind us. They would follow us to whatever end now. Seeing an open car, Tris picked up her pace to keep stride with it, grabbed the handle, and pulled herself in with her good arm. Looking over my shoulder, I gripped Caleb's pushing him forward, keeping my hand against his back until he jumped into the car. Marcus was next, but I didn't bother helping him, leaving that to Caleb who quickly turned to aid him. Motioning for Andrew to pick it up, he did, launching himself into the car and away from the door. Keeping an easy pace with the car, it felt like nothing to grip the handle, and step on the small metal step and move into it. For a moment I caught Caleb looking at me with awe.

"What?" I shot at him.

"That was the most graceful thing I've ever seen." He replied.

Rolling my eyes at him, I moved to the door of the car, my toes over the edge as I looked toward the city. Tris was with me and I could tell she was anxious. She was worried about what we were going to find and how we were going to accomplish what we needed to. At least I hoped that was what she was thinking because that's all I was thinking about. My stomach a tangled mess of knots trying to avoid jumping to worst-case scenarios.

"Are you really going to try and get Eric out of there?" She asked, breaking the silence.

"Yes." I nodded. "I know you don't care for him in the slightest but he's the man I love."

"I know." She stated but didn't sound happy about it.

Looking at her, she met my eyes, "Before I do that, I'm going to get Four back to you. I promise. He's under a simulation. He's in more danger than Eric. One at a time and yours is first."

"Thank you." She told me. "And despite how not close we are, I really am happy you're here."

"I am too." I replied. "And maybe after this we'll be closer."

"Maybe." She smirked at me.

Laughing, the feeling amazing, I nodded at her, "Four would be happy if we'd become all buddy-buddy."

"Not happening." She frowned.

Taking a deep breath, letting it out slowly, I nodded at her, "I know. But somethings gotta give." She just nodded in response. "Anyway, I was thinking we should use the back entrance." I told her. "I'm assuming the majority of the soldiers are at the main entrance above the Pit."

"I think you're right." She nodded.

Looking at those who were following us, I sighed, "Do you think they'll be able to handle it?"

"They will or they'll die." She replied.

I frowned at her, "That is your family you're talking about."

"I wasn't so much talking about them. They can handle it. Marcus though…"

"Don't even get me started on Marcus." I shot at her.

She nodded, her hand on my shoulder, "I know, Pen. Believe me, I know."

I frowned at her before a smile crossed my face. "He took you through his fear landscape." She nodded. "Good." I nodded. "He told me his fears but I'm happy he shared them with you. You're good for him, Tris. You're the reason he stayed."

"What do you mean?" She frowned.

Sighing, I felt tears in my eyes. "He was considering leaving Dauntless and becoming Factionless. He didn't say he was leaving, but he did say he had thought about it. Something has been off for a long time now. I knew he was on the edge. But then you showed up and changed his world."

"He loves you." She frowned.

"Not enough to stay in a place that he hates." I smiled at her. "So, thank you for choosing Dauntless."

She smiled and nodded. There was a long pause before she spoke again. "And you're good for Eric." She stated, making me look at her. "I never would have thought he was capable of caring about anyone. But he refused to shoot you. He defied Jeanine. And the sound of him yelling…" She paused as she took in my pained expression. "That says a lot about him." She went on. "Maybe he has changed."

"For the better." I told her softly. He didn't want me dead but I still ended up in a tank. He could have tried harder. Not that I was going to hold it against him, but there was still something about it that made me wonder if he really could see past my Divergence.

"Doesn't mean I like him any more than I did before." She stated, making me smirk at her. "But I believe that with you he can be a better man. I'm just terrified of what he'll become without you."

Meeting her eyes, my brows started to furrow. "Let's not find out." I stated with determination before looking out the car again. "I'm coming, baby." I whispered into the air, silently praying that I could get him out of this.

"I assume you now regret choosing Dauntless." Marcus told us.

Looking at him, it took all of me not to hit him again. Tris shook her head, while I replied, "Not for one second."

"Not even after your faction's leaders decided to join in a plot to overthrow the government?" Marcus spit back.

"There were some things I needed to learn." Tris replied.

"How to be brave?" Andrew said quietly.

"How to be selfless." Tris replied. "Often they're the same thing."

"Is that why you got Abnegation's symbol tattooed on your shoulder?" Caleb asked.

Noticing a faint smile on her father's face, she smiled the same way and nodded, "And Dauntless on the other." Smiling at her, I nodded, suddenly proud of sharing a faction with her.

"And why wouldn't you return to your family at the first opportunity?" Marcus asked me.

"Because I chose Dauntless." I replied without looking at him. "I love my family and miss them terribly. But I have a family in Dauntless. One that I will protect with all of me. One that I will not abandon."

When we finally neared Dauntless, the glass building above the Pit reflected sunlight into our eyes. Standing, I moved to where Tris was standing next to the door. We were almost there. Then we'd leap from the train and launch ourselves into Dauntless.

"When I tell you to jump," Tris told the others, "you jump, as far as you can."

"Jump?" Caleb asked. "We're seven stories up, Tris."

"Onto a roof." I stated. "We're jumping onto a roof."

"That's why they call it a test of bravery." Tris added.

Half of bravery is perspective. Remembering the first time I jumped, I had been terrified, never able to do it first. Same went for the net. I didn't have the guts to jump first. I'd made it third though. Something I was still proud of. I'd done many hard things since joining Dauntless, but I felt that what we were about to do now was going to top all of that. And if we succeeded many more hard things would be in our future. We'd all be factionless with no idea what to do next.

"Dad, you go." Tris told him, taking my wrist and moving back so he can stand by the edge.

It was all about timing. I knew what she was doing, which made me slightly nervous. Yes, they were older, but we were wounded. Giving them the shorter distance was smart but I was afraid we weren't going to make the distance if we waited too long.

The train tracks curved, and when they line up with the edge of the roof, Tris shouted, "Jump!"

Andrew bent his knees and launched himself out of the car. Before we can see if he made it, I yelled at Marcus to jump. He did. Tris pushed Caleb in front of her, standing on the edge of the train car and jumped without being told to. Seeing Tris looking at me, I looked back, taking a deep breath before we both ran, launching ourselves out of the car.

Hitting the cement running, I was breathing heavily as I turned to see Tris breathing hard as well, sitting down to catch her breath. My side was screaming with pain, making it hard to catch my own. Seeing Andrew and Caleb at the edge of the roof, I realize that Marcus isn't on top of it, but being held by the other two men as he dangled between life and death.

"Let him fall." I told Tris.

She looked at me, and I knew that part of her was thinking the same thing. But he didn't. Andrew and Caleb managed to haul him into the roof. Helping Tris to her feet, she brushed the gravel off of her pants. Turning and going to the edge of the hole, I looked into it. Without waiting for anyone else, I double-checked that the safety was secure on my gun, before launching myself into the hole. I hated heights and wanted to spend as little time at the top than I had to. Tris could handle getting them down the hole.

The breeze was appreciated, bouncing once I hit the net, the impact making me cry out. Rolling to the edge of it, I fell from it, landing hard on my hands and knees. Putting my hand against my side, I took it back to see red. Swearing under my breath, I got to my feet, pulling my gun back out and flipping off the safety, holding it up, making sure no one was waiting for us in the shadows.

Finding myself alone, I returned to the net and waited for everyone else to get their asses down here. Tris is the first and I swiftly tilted the net toward me, helping her down from it. Her shoulder feels hot and I knew that she was probably in as much pain, if not more, than I was. She nodded at me, tears in her eyes, before she looked back up the hole. Caleb is next, following the same routine with him and their father, who threw up over the side of the platform. But when it came time for Marcus, both Tris and I stepped away, moving down the stairs. We honestly didn't care what happened to him. He thought we needed him here because he knew something about computers. Well, we didn't. We'd figure it out for ourselves.

The cavern is empty and the hallways stretch into darkness. Jeanine had made it sound like no one was left in Dauntless except the soldiers she sent back to guard the computers. If we can find the soldiers, we can find the computers. We both looked over our shoulders to see Marcus on the platform, pale but unharmed.

"So this is the Dauntless compound." Marcus stated.

"Yes." We said together.

"And?" Tris added.

"And I never thought I would get to see it." He replied, his hand skimming the wall. "No need to be so defensive, Beatrice. And Pen." He added looking at me.

"I don't like you." I told him with disdain.

"Do you two have a plan?" Andrew asked.

"Yes."

"Yeah." I added. "Wait. We do?" I said looking at her.

She nodded, "Yeah."

"Are you gonna fill me in?" I asked as we started down the hallway towards the Pit. "The only plan I have is to get to the control room."

She just nodded. There's light every ten feet as we walk down, when we walk into the first patch of light, there's a gunshot and we drop to the ground. Crawling into the next dark patch, someone must have seen us, the spark from the gun flashed across the room by the door that leads to the Pit.

"Everyone okay?" Tris asked.

"Yes." Andrew replied.

"Stay here, then." She replied. "Come on." She said looking at me.

Running to the side of the room, the lights protrude from the wall, so directly beneath each one is a slit of shadow. Tris is small, able to hide in the shadows if she turned to the side. She could creep along the edge of the room and surprise whatever guard is shooting at us before they get the chance to fire a bullet into our brains. Maybe.

"Just go." I whispered to her. "I'll make a distraction if necessary."

"Don't get yourself killed." She shot at me.

Getting a glare in return I told her, "I'm Dauntless."

"So am I." She frowned. "And Dauntless has prepared us for this."

Sighing, I nodded, "Yeah, yeah, eliminating fear, blah, blah."

"Are you saying they haven't taught you that?" She frowned.

"Do we really have time to argue about this right now?" I shot at her.

She didn't have time to respond as another shot rang over our heads. Tris and I exchanged a glare and started to move through the shadows.

"Whoever's there," a voice shouts, "surrender your weapons and put your hands up!"

"No fucking way." I whispered to myself. Another shot rang.

The darkness is silent. Part of me wanted to call out for Tris but knew that if it was quiet that the plan was working. I recognized the sound of the voice of the soldier in the darkness. By now I was sure Tris knew who it was as well. I silently told Tris to shoot him. He deserved it. If anyone did, he did.

There was still silence until I heard flesh against flesh and there's a shout in the dark. Rushing forward, I found Tris with a gun pressed against the top of his head. Peter. He was on his knees, clutching his face.

"How are you awake?" Tris demanded.

He lifted his head, and Tris clicked a bullet into its chamber, raising an eyebrow at him. My gun is already trained on him, ready to shoot him at a moment's notice.

"The Dauntless leaders…they evaluated my records and removed me from the simulation." He replied.

"Because they figured out that you already have murderous tendencies and wouldn't mind killing a few hundred people while conscious." Tris stated. "Makes sense."

"I'm not…murderous!"

"Which leaders?" I demanded.

"What? Worried that your lover-boy might have had something to do with it?" He retorted with a smirk.

"You son of a bitch." I said through clenched teeth as I stepped toward him.

"I never knew a Candor who was such a liar." Tris commented, tapping the gun against his skull. "Where are the computers that control the simulation, Peter?"

"You won't shoot me."

"People tend to overestimate my character." She replied quietly. "They think that because I'm small, or a girl, or a Stiff, I can't possibly be cruel. But they're wrong."

She shifted the gun three inches to the left and fired at his arm. His scream filled the hallway, blood spurting from the wound. He screamed again, pressing his forehead to the ground. I looked at him with an evil smirk as Tris shifted the gun back up to his head.

"Now that you realize your mistake," Tris stated, "I will give you another chance to tell me what I need to know before I shoot you somewhere worse."

"If she won't, I will." I stated, pointing my gun at his head as well. He's isn't selfless enough to keep quiet.

He met my eyes before turning and looking at Tris. His breath is shaking as he considers his options. "They're listening." He spit. "If you don't kill me, they will. The only way I'll tell you is if you get me out of here."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I shot at him.

"What?" Tris frowned.

"Take me…ahh…with you." He said wincing.

"You want us to take you, the person who tried to kill me…with us?"

"I do." He groaned. "If you expect to find out what you need to know."

"Tris." I said with disdain. She's considering it. "Tris!" I shot at her.

"Fine." Tris told him, almost choking on the word. "Fine."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I shot at her.

"We don't have time to argue about this." She shot back.

Knowing she was right, I clenched my teeth, stepping forward and pressing my gun against Peter's forehead. How badly I wanted to shoot him. Tris swiftly gripped my wrist, meeting my eyes. Feeling the sting of tears, knowing what he'd done and what he would do, it took all of me not to pull the trigger.

"Fine." I said still holding my gun at the ready.

Hearing footsteps, both of us still holding our stance, the others walked toward us. Andrew took off his long-sleeved shirt. He's wearing a gray T-shirt beneath it. He crouched next to Peter and looped the fabric around his arm, tying it tightly.

As he pressed the fabric to the blood running down Peter's arm, he looked up at Tris, "Was it really necessary to shoot him?"

"Yes." I replied when Tris didn't answer.

"Sometimes pain is for the greater good." Marcus stated calmly.

"We don't need your help." I said turning my gun toward him. "You lousy sack of shit."

"Let's go." Tris said. "Get up, Peter."

"You want him to walk?" Caleb demanded. "Are you insane?"

"Did I shoot him in the leg?" Tris replied. "No. He walks. Where do we go, Peter?"

Caleb helped Peter to his feet. Now my gun is toward Caleb, "Don't."

"Is she stable enough for this?" Marcus asked.

Hitting him again, I looked at Tris. "I'm sorry." I said moving closer to her. "I'll behave."

"No you won't." She grinned at me. "Now where?" Tris demanded.

"The glass building." He told us, wincing. "Eighth floor."

Tris looked at me. Nodding, I moved to the lead, quietly moving through the halls. Peter is right behind me, then Tris, followed by the others. Walking into the roar of the river and the blue glow of the Pit, it's empty. Scanning the walls for signs of life, there is no movement and no figures standing in darkness. Not taking any chances, I kept steady as we moved to the path leading up to the glass ceiling. It's too quiet. Too empty. Feeling a shudder, I took a steadying breath, continuing to move forward. Only then the silence was broken.

"What makes you think you have the right to shoot someone?" Andrew asked.

I couldn't help but slow as we passed the Parlor. It was as much home to me as the rest of Dauntless. My heart ached for Tori, wondering where she was. Where everyone I cared about was. Would Eric be in the control room? Would Claude? Where were they?

"Now isn't the time for debates about ethics." Tris replied to her father.

"Now is the perfect time," he told her, "because you will soon get the opportunity to shoot someone again, and if you don't realize—"

"Realize what?" Tris said without turning around. "That every second I waste means another Abnegation dead and another Dauntless made into a murderer? I've realized that. Now it's your turn."

"There is a right way to do things."

"What makes you so sure that you know what it is?" She shot at him.

"Please stop fighting." Caleb interrupted, his voice chiding. "We have more important things to do right now."

Glancing over my shoulder, I'm unafraid as we kept moving. Meeting Tris' eyes, I knew that she loved her family, and was thrilled to see them again. But her mother was dead, Four was under a simulation, and her father was chastising her for doing what was right. He didn't know Peter or what he had done. If he knew what Peter had done to his daughter, he would have shot him himself. She was not the same girl she was just weeks ago. She'd learned so much since she made her choice. I suddenly felt like I knew her better than her own family. I knew the Dauntless Tris. They knew the Abnegation Beatrice. The girl that felt like she was out of place. She had found her place, changed her name, and had become the person she always wanted to be. She was Dauntless. More than that, she was Divergent.

"Everyone needs to shut up." I ordered from the lead.

The silence felt weighted but it was better than all the bantering that was going on behind me. If anyone was close they would know exactly where we were. We couldn't afford to be surprised.

"Pen." Tris said softly as we reached the base of the metal stairs that will carry us to the glass ceiling.

Turning, I can hear the huffing and puffing. I forgot that they were older and not used to this type of activity. I suddenly can relate better to the Dauntless way of dealing with the elderly. I couldn't imagine climbing these stairs when I got old. Though part of me knew that I was more than likely not going to be alive long enough to find out. I'd probably die today. Which I was fine with, if I got to see Eric at least once more, and as long as we were able to save Four.

Looking up, I watched the light cast on the Pit walls by the sun. Seeing a shadow, Tris moved next to me, watching as well, waiting for another shadow to appear. The guards made their rounds every minute and a half, stand for twenty seconds, and then move on.

"There are men with guns up there. When they see me, they will kill me, if they can." Tris told her father quietly, looking up at him. "Should I let them?"

He stared at her for a few seconds before replying, "Go, and God help you."

Frowning at him, I put my hand on her good shoulder. "I've got your back." I told her, frowning at her father. "Are you ready?"

She nodded, "Yeah."

Climbing the stairs carefully, stopping just before our heads emerge. Waiting, watching the shadows move, when one of them stopped, I stepped up, pointed my gun, and shot. He crumbled to the floor. Another shot rang as Tris shot a second guard, hitting his arm. She had hit his shooting arm, his gun falling and sliding across the floor. Darting through the hole, I picked it up, feeling a bullet whiz past my head. Shooting the already injured guard, Tris twisted, flinging her right arm over her shoulder, and fired three times. She managed to hit one, only when I looked at her she had tears running down her cheeks. Pulling her down, we dropped to our stomachs, our guns aimed at him. Only his gun is already in Tris' face, but he didn't shoot. He jerked his chin to the side. He must have been Divergent.

I nodded at him, watching as he slipped into the fear landscape room, and he's gone. Looking at Tris, I could feel her relief and I was sure my own was obvious on my face. "Whew."

She smiled and nodded. Then she shouted, "All clear!"

"Shoulder?" I asked her.

"Yeah." She replied.

Getting to my feet, my hand against my side, I helped her up. She held her right arm against her chest. She's in a lot of pain. I can relate. Tipping my hand away from my side, I see fresh blood. Nodding, knowing there was nothing I could do about it right now, I looked at Tris. She looked at the second gun, jerking her head toward Caleb. Frowning, she nodded at me. Sighing, I checked the clip and everything before offering him the extra gun. He took it nodding at me but was clearly uncomfortable about it. His grip alone told me he'd probably never held a gun before in his life.

"Can you handle it?" I asked him.

He looked at me for a long moment before he nodded vigorously, too vigorously, "Yeah."

"I think you and Marcus should stay here with him." Tris told her brother, jerking her head toward Peter. "He'll just slow us down. Make sure no one comes after us."

Taking a deep breath, I know she's doing this to protect him. He may be willing to go into battle with her but she doesn't want him to any more than he actually wishes to go. We'd already come to terms with the fact that once we go up into the building, we weren't coming back down. For the first time Tris and I are in agreement. As long as we can stop the simulation before we're killed, our time here wouldn't be wasted. The feeling was both freeing and heavy. Only then Eric filled my mind and I realized that I wasn't going to die. I couldn't. Not here. Not now.

"I'm surviving this." I told Tris softly. "Please tell me you're going to as well." She didn't reply.

"I can't stay here while you go up there and risk your life." Caleb replied.

"I need you to." Tris told him.

Peter sank to his knees. His face glistened with sweat. I don't feel sorry for him. He deserved so much worse than what he'd gotten. He deserved death. He had done so much wrong that there was no coming back from it. He was as evil as Jeanine. As…I didn't want to think it let alone say it, because it wasn't true. It wasn't true. Not anymore.

While Tris dealt with her family, I stripped the guards of their weapons and ammo. We'd need all the help we could get. When Caleb finally agreed, Tris and I made our way to the elevators on the right side of the room. Level eight.

Once the elevator doors close, Tris leaned the side of her head against the glass and listened to the beeps. Andrew is with us as well. The silence is awkward as I hand her father a gun and ammo. I felt like someone should say something, but what were any of us going to say that didn't sound like a goodbye? There wasn't enough time to say as much as any of us would want to say.

"Thank you. For protecting Caleb." Andrew told his daughter. "Beatrice, I—"

Only before he can finish, the elevator reached the eighth floor and the doors open. Two guards stand ready with guns in hand, their faces blank. Before they can shoot, I'd already fired, both slumping to the floor. Looking behind me, both of them are on their stomachs. They nodded at me and get to their feet. Guards run down the hallway on the left. They sound too alike for them to be awake. Watching Tris drop to the floor, Andrew looked at me, a long moment passing between us before I nodded back. I knew what we had to do. In the next moment, he took off down the hall while I quickly looked at Tris.

"Save him." I told her. "And if you see Eric, tell him that I love him. I love him more than anything. Tell him that I'm sorry."

Then I'm running. I have no idea what I'm running into but I would give her the time to reach Four and pull him out of the simulation. She was the only one who could. She was the final hope of our little mission. I caught up to Andrew, hearing the Dauntless guards pursuing us. Stopping, I turned and shot at them, hitting two. Keeping running, Andrew attempted to do the same, only then I heard the groan, turning to see red moving from his gut. He's still firing as I turned and shot at the guards. My body jerked as bullets blazed through my skin, one grazing my arm. Reaching him, he leaned against me as we both slammed into the wall. Still shooting at them, I felt another bullet before the final guard fell.

"Dad. Pen." Tris said barely audible.

Andrew slumped to the ground, looking at his daughter. My hands were against his shoulders, keeping him steady. He opened his mouth like he's about to say something, but then his chin dropped to his chest and his body relaxed. Putting my fingers against his neck, I sighed, looking at an already traumatized Tris.

"I'm sorry." I told her. "Go." Then everything started to fall away and I fell backward, my head slamming against the floor. There is a long moment before I hear her retreating steps. "Go, Tris. Save them." I said aloud before everything went black.

" _Pen."_

_My name is softly called._

" _Pen, wake up."_

_Opening my eyes, Eric is looking down at me. We were in the hall I'd collapsed in. Smiling, I put my hand against his face, staring into his eyes. "Are we dead?" I asked him._

" _No." He smiled. "Not yet."_

" _Am I going to die?" I frowned at him. "Because that would really suck."_

_He laughed lightly. "No, baby, you're not going to die. If you do I'll have to kill you."_

" _Are you okay?" I frowned, gripping his head in my hands._

_He nodded, kissing me deeply. "As long as you're alive, I will be okay."_

" _I will find you, baby. I will find you and we will be together."_

_Then his face turned into a frown. "Run."_

" _What?"_

" _Wake up. You have to get up and run."_

" _Eric."_

" _Run, Pen!" He yelled sounding distant. "Wake up! Run!"_

_Getting to my feet, I looked around for him. "Eric!"_

" _RUN!" He screamed and it felt like he was inside my head._

My eyes shot open, and I once again stared at the ceiling of Dauntless. Coughing, I swiveled my head, trying to get my bearings again. Feeling my legs draped over something, I looked up to see Andrew's body, just the way it had been. Tears brimmed and I attempted to sit up, only to be met with pain, making a scream erupt from my throat before I could stop it. Sobbing for a few minutes, I finally forced myself up, moving myself to the other side of the hall and away from all the bodies that were there. Seeing the pool of blood where I had just been, following me with a long smear, I looked at my left arm to see blood running down it. But it was just a graze wound. Another graze across the top of my right shoulder. There was a hole in my right ribcage, blood spilling down my side. Touching it, it felt like the bullet had ricocheted off my rib. It hurt like hell. Scoffing, laughing lightly, I had been lucky. Pure luck that I hadn't been as seriously injured as Andrew. My eyes fell upon him again, unable to stop myself. My laughs turned to sobs. God how I wished Eric would appear and sweep me off my feet. Even now, he was the first person that came to my mind. I needed him.

"Please." I sobbed, still looking at Andrew. "Please, Eric."

Letting them take me over, I sobbed uncontrollably, feeling that the force of them would break my ribs. When my mind un-fogged enough for me to think clearly, I knew I had to get up. I had to move. I had to get up and move. Moving to my hands and knees, I used the wall for support as I attempted to get to my feet. I made it halfway up before I fell again, the hallway spinning as pain erupted through my body. Trying again, I got to my feet, making my way back toward the elevators.

Once I was up and moving, my heart started to race, starting to dump adrenaline back into my system. Gun in hand, I staggered to the elevator doors, pushing the button. Touching my various wounds, finding another graze against my thigh, tears once again filled my eyes. Then I heard footsteps running in my direction. Dropping to the floor, I pressed my back against the elevator, my knee bent, my arms resting on top of it as I gripped my gun, steadying my aim in the direction they were coming from.

When the figures appeared, the tears took me over again, my gun falling to the floor as Four slid to his knees in front of me. I was in his arms a second later, pressing myself as close to him as I could get. Tris was leaning against the wall, throwing up at the sight of her father. I couldn't imagine what she was feeling, but in this moment there was so much relief that Four was okay that I couldn't bring myself to care. He was awake and okay and I felt like we may actually get out of this alive.

"Can you stand?" He asked.

"Yeah." I nodded. Helping me to my feet, he took my head in his hands and pressed a kiss against my forehead. "I love you." I told him. "I'm glad you're okay."

"I love you too." He smiled before taking Tris' waist, the elevator doors opening, leading her into them. "How badly are you hurt?" He asked me on the way down.

"I'm gonna be okay." I replied. "What happened in the control room?"

"The simulation is over. Everyone is awake and we have the drive with the data on it."

"Good." I nodded. "That's good."

"How are you holding up?"

"Have you seen Eric?" I countered.

"No." He replied. "Pen, tell me how you are."

"I'm fine, Four." I shot at him a little too harshly. He looked at me sadly. Sighing, I shook my head, "I don't know how else to be right now. So, I'm fine."

Then the doors were open and there is a frenzy of activity. There is a shouting crowd of Dauntless soldiers dressed in black. I search the crowd for Eric but I knew that he wasn't here. If everyone was awake then they would have retreated back to Erudite. But I was still holding onto my hope of seeing him.

Going outside, Caleb rushed toward us, Tris falling against him. He immediately asked about their father. I turned away, not wanting to hear. I was there. I had been touching him when he died. It wasn't fair. She had lost both her parents in just a matter of hours. It just wasn't fair.

Turning to Four, he stopped mid-step, his entire body going rigid as he laid eyes on his father. It's obvious that Tris hadn't told him that his father had come with us. Marcus walked up to him, wrapping his arms around his son. Four remained frozen, his arms at his sides and his face blank.

"Son." Marcus sighed.

Four winced. In the next second I pulled Four back as I shoved Marcus in the chest, moving him away from his son. Tris was there in the next moment, stepping in front of her man.

"Stay away from him." I shot at Marcus. "He is none of your concern."

"Stay away." Tris hissed.

"Beatrice, what are you doing?" Caleb asked.

"Tris." Four replied.

Marcus gave us a scandalized look, his eyes are too wide and his mouth is too open. All I wanted to do was smack it off his face, I can tell Tris was thinking the same thing.

"Not all those Erudite articles were full of lies." Tris said, narrowing her eyes at him.

"What are you talking about?" Marcus said quietly. "I don't know what you've been told, Beatrice, but—"

"The only reason I haven't shot you yet is because he's the one who should get to do it." She told him. "Stay away from him or I'll decide I no longer care."

Four put his hands on Tris' arms, squeezing them. Marcus looked at them for a few seconds before finally looking away. Scanning the space around us, I looked for anyone I knew. I needed my family and as far as I could tell they were nowhere, making me think the worst had happened to them.

"We have to go." Four told us unsteadily. "The train should be here any second."

"Four." I told him with heavily furrowed brows. "I can't leave yet. I need to find Eric. I need to find Claude and Henry and Tori. I can't go."

He gripped my arm tightly, making the graze wound sting, "You can't stay here and I'm not leaving you behind. Eric is the bad guy in this, Pen. I know he refused to kill you, I'm proud of him for that, but he is still working for Jeanine. As for the others?" He sighed, shrugging as he shook his head. "We don't have any idea what they are thinking or feeling or where they are. We can deal with it later. For now, we have to go. I need to you come with me, Pen."

Tears were in my eyes as I just looked at him. I wanted to tell him no and that I would accept the consequences of me going off on my own. But in the end I nodded. I couldn't break from him. Not yet. I needed Eric but couldn't deny that he had a point. Eric wasn't the bad guy, but he was working for Jeanine. I wouldn't be doing anyone any favors by staying. Not even to those I so desperately wanted to find.

For a few agonizing minutes, Four held tight to my arm as we walked over unyielding ground toward the train tracks. I wasn't going anywhere. When he finally released me, he seemed tenser than ever. His jaw was clenched and he was staring straight ahead. It was Marcus's fault. Having him with us was probably one of the hardest things he'd done since he transferred. He loathed his father and to have him suddenly appear, embrace him as if nothing happened, and then follow him…I didn't know how I would react. Tris should have let him deal with his father his own way. But something told me he was grateful for her taking charge. He didn't want to confront his father, not really. All he wanted was for him to be gone.

"Sorry." I hear Tris mutter.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." He replied, taking her hand.

"If we take the train in the opposite direction, out of the city instead of in, we can get to Amity headquarters." She stated. "That's where the others went."

"What about Candor?" Caleb asked. "What do you think they'll do?"

"Who knows?" I replied under my breath. "Who cares?"

"How you holding up?" Four asked me. Meeting his eyes, I clenched my jaw, shaking my head. "It's gonna be okay." He told me gently.

"Did you see Eric at all?" I asked him. "Do you know if he's okay?"

I watched him clench his jaw, seeing the hate in his eyes, but he pushed it all aside and shook his head, "I'm sorry, Pen. I don't know what happened to him."

Nodding, tears were in my eyes, remaining until we reached the tracks. Tris looked like she was going to fall over, prompting Four to lift her into his arms. She leaned her head against his shoulder. Looking at our small party, I thought I'd feel safer now that the simulation was over. But other than Four and Tris, I felt less safe with Marcus and Peter amongst us. Caleb was basically useless but he needed to be here for Tris. She'd lost nearly everyone she ever cared about. Things were going to get worse before they got better.

Only it wasn't just us I was worried about. My family was more than likely waking up from the simulation, realizing that they had been made murderers and factionless all in one day. If they weren't going to join Jeanine then they sure as hell couldn't go home. Where the hell were they? What were they doing? Or thinking? Would they know what they've done? Then Eric entered my mind, wondering what Jeanine did to him once I was pulled from his sight.

The tears returned with a vengeance as I stood there, silently crying as I waited for a train that could take me to safety or to my death. If we made it to Amity, I knew I could find a measure of peace. My family would take me back. They would open their arms to me and I would once again be there daughter. But I knew that it would only be temporary. Amity was the immediate solution though it wasn't permanent. We'd have to move on and I would move on with them. I was Dauntless. Divergent. I didn't belong anywhere anymore. Neither did Four or Tris.

When the train came, Four put Tris down so she can jump on. Jogging a few steps next to the open car, I watched Tris get herself inside, followed by Caleb and Four. Then it's my turn. Feeling every wound on my body open as I got myself inside the car, I moved to the back wall, laying down and staring at the car ceiling. Then Marcus and Peter get themselves inside. Four and Tris are sitting at my head, everyone quiet.

Now that we had a destination, and that destination was my former home, I let a small wave of relief fill me. But it would only be a matter of time before Erudite and the corrupt Dauntless leaders looked for us, and we will have to move on. But that was tomorrow's problem, right now we just had to get there.

"My parents." I heard Tris say to Four. "They died today. They died for me." She told him and paused, looking down at me. "For me and Pen."

"They loved you." He told her. "To them there was no better way to show you." She nodded as she stared at him. "You nearly died today." He stated. "I almost shot you. Why didn't you shoot me, Tris?"

"I couldn't do that." She told him. "It would have been like shooting myself."

Listening to them made tears fill my eyes again. I wished for nothing more than to share such sentimental words with Eric. I would have died for him. I would have done anything for him. I wished I knew what was happening to him or what Jeanine was saying to him. Would she make him believe something that wasn't true? What would he be or do the next time I saw him? Would I ever see him again? I was in agony without him. I needed him. Not only that but to have to watch the pain and death that Tris had to endure, feeling the life leave her father, it was all too much. My body hurt and I was exhausted yet too afraid to sleep. Everything was lost.

Four and Tris started whispering to each other, the sound oddly comforting. When the talking died down, Four put his hand against my shoulder, gently moving his thumb back and forth. Relaxing at his touch, I shut my eyes, focusing on my breathing, picturing Eric in my mind; I felt sleep start to take me, trying not to think about what happened today.

Abnegation and Dauntless are both broken, their members scattered. We are as good as factionless now. I don't know what the future holds. All I know was that I had to keep fighting. I had to keep moving forward as long as there was hope to find those that I loved. I'd find Claude and Henry. I'd find Tori. More than anything, I would find Eric. I would save him from Jeanine and be with him. I had a path to follow and I would follow it until the end. I would fight and not stop fighting until we won the war or died in the process. This wasn't over. But I would see it through until the end. Despite everything that had happened, we would fight for what was right. Someone had to. If that had to be us than so be it. We'd already lost more than anyone should. There was no going back. Tomorrow I'd be reunited with my parents and my sisters. Tomorrow my old faction would decide our fate. Tomorrow…at least we were alive to find out what tomorrow would bring. Something I both dreaded and was eager for. Either way, we couldn't stop tomorrow from coming. It was going to happen whether we were prepared for it or not. All we had to do was face it head on, and be brave.

THE END


End file.
